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best friend has a crush on my girlfriend


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 31st January 2018, 10:11 PM   #1
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best friend has a crush on my girlfriend

Hey all. I haven't used loveshack in a long time but am back for more of your great and insightful advice on a new situation emerging in my life. I will try to make this short and concise.

I have a best friend, let's call him J, and a girlfriend I have been with just a few months, let's call her R. R and I are both gay (i think) females, and J is a male.

The other night I was talking to J about R, and expressing my concern for her loose boundaries with men, for example being more touchy than I would expect and ending up in odd scenarios, for example hanging w a friends ex alone and drinking. During this conversation, J told me that he thought R was "really pretty" and that he had always thought so. He also told me "I would do R", and later said (referencing her perhaps strange boundaries) "maybe she'll dump you and do me". I got really upset at the time and he assured me he wouldn't do anything. Initially I had notice R had a special affection for J, although she seems to be totally in love w me and hasn't said anything really about him in weeks. I think she intuited he had a crush on her and enjoyed it somewhat or found it funny.

I haven't talked to either of them about this and I don't know if I want to talk to R about it at all because i don't feel she's done anything shady and seems to be totally into me.

So my birthday is coming up. I feel really uncomfortable about having J around R since he said what he did, and i really just want to have a good night. Should i not invite him? Should i talk to him? It really enrages me what he said and to think about watching them interact and flirt (playful on her end and maybe serious on his end). Any takes on this situation? Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much guys.
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Old 1st February 2018, 12:07 AM   #2
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As long as you're certain that R is gay, rather than bi, then I don't see what you have to worry about. On the other hand, if J was genuinely accepting of R's sexual preference then he may joke around with her, but he wouldn't be flirting with her to the extent that it's making you feel insecure. I'm not sure what you mean by 'loose boundaries with men'. Do you mean that you suspect that she's actually bi? If that's the case then perhaps you need to just ask her if she's attracted to J, because if you feel threatened by his presence then perhaps you already know the answer.
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Old 1st February 2018, 12:24 AM   #3
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Thank you for your response. I do suspect that R may be bisexual at times, but she claims she is gay, so I really have to take her word, but do you think it would be different if she werent?
By loose boundaries I mean that she is touchy with men (and perhaps women too) in ways that I would consider flirting w the lines between platonic/non platonic, for example kissing men on the cheeks, sitting in their laps, sleeping in same beds, junping on them and wrapping her legs around them, etc (these are all examples from stories she has told me or actual experience).
I am more concerned with Js attraction toward her, and i feel disrespected in his expression of interest in someone i am already dating.
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Old 1st February 2018, 12:27 AM   #4
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Yeah, don't let him around her and don't tell her. Just don't invite him to the same birthday thing. Invite him to lunch or dinner when she won't be attending. Keep him away.
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Old 1st February 2018, 2:32 AM   #5
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Yeah, don't let him around her and don't tell her. Just don't invite him to the same birthday thing. Invite him to lunch or dinner when she won't be attending. Keep him away.
This is basically what i'm planning on doing. Since writing this I talked to him about how inappropriate I felt his comments were and how I would be more comfortable hanging out with him on another day. He acted like I was blowing things out of proportion, acting like I was being over insecure, but agreed to hang out another day instead. I'm not planning on necessarily talking to R about all this. I hope I did the right thing. I still feel kind of sick over all this.
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Old 1st February 2018, 4:29 AM   #6
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My experience with gay men and women has been that some of them tend to be VERY flirty toward the opposite sex.
I don't know why but there's usually nothing to it. If it bothers you talk to her about it.

Your friend obviously wanted to get a rise out of you. I wouldn't tell him anything about your relationship anymore.

Last edited by 2much4; 1st February 2018 at 4:32 AM..
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Old 1st February 2018, 11:30 AM   #7
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Take away the gay reference:

When the BF/GF is overly flirtatious with your friend.
Your friend said; they would do your BF/GF.

What time is it?

Well when is the time to go to the dentist?

When your tooth:hurty (two:thirty, goes the old joke)

When is it time to dump this friend?

Yesterday is not soon enough. For it is time to mate guard.
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Old 1st February 2018, 1:05 PM   #8
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'I am more concerned with J's attraction toward her and I feel disrespected in his expression of interest in someone I am already dating.'

I have observed over the years, that lots of men do not take lesbian relationships seriously.
Particularly if engaging in similar behavior as:

'By loose boundaries I mean that she is touchy with men (and perhaps women too) in ways that I would consider flirting w the lines between platonic/non platonic, for example kissing men on the cheeks, sitting in their laps, sleeping in same beds, junping on them and wrapping her legs around them, etc (these are all examples from stories she has told me or actual experience).'

Maybe they both need a conversation but for different reasons.
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Last edited by Timshel; 1st February 2018 at 1:08 PM..
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Old 1st February 2018, 3:00 PM   #9
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Thank you for your response. I do suspect that R may be bisexual at times, but she claims she is gay, so I really have to take her word, but do you think it would be different if she werent?
By loose boundaries I mean that she is touchy with men (and perhaps women too) in ways that I would consider flirting w the lines between platonic/non platonic, for example kissing men on the cheeks, sitting in their laps, sleeping in same beds, junping on them and wrapping her legs around them, etc (these are all examples from stories she has told me or actual experience).
I am more concerned with Js attraction toward her, and i feel disrespected in his expression of interest in someone i am already dating.
You know he was honest and upfront with you about this. He couldíve kept it to himself.
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Old 1st February 2018, 3:14 PM   #10
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Your girlfriend is the one acting like she’s not in a relationship. So it doesn’t matter if J is there or not she’s going to act inappropriately with whoever is there.
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Old 1st February 2018, 3:56 PM   #11
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So you say R has loose boundaries and is showing extra attention to J. You can complain about it all you want....there is only on way to resolve this....dump R!
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Old 1st February 2018, 4:11 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by seeker1123 View Post

So my birthday is coming up. I feel really uncomfortable about having J around R since he said what he did, and i really just want to have a good night. Should i not invite him? Should i talk to him? It really enrages me what he said and to think about watching them interact and flirt (playful on her end and maybe serious on his end). Any takes on this situation? Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much guys.
No, Make sure J is there. It will be difficult, especially on your birthday ...but hear me out.

After J has said this to you, what BETTER way to get an answer to your conundrum in real time?

It will mightily suck if they do something at your birthday party or something happens when alcohol is involved. Again however, if you want a real answer, then keep your lip zipped about it and try to act like you have not a care in the world.

Because if you let on, J makes a course correction and then you'll never know.

So just sit back and observe them as much as possible. If they think you are clueless it will be easier for them to let their guard down, and when they let their guard down, you'll have your answer either way.

It ill be very hard, but stick to your guns.

Look at it this way: If indeed something will go on, then you'll not have to waste anther Birthday with either of them.
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Old 1st February 2018, 5:11 PM   #13
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No, Make sure J is there. It will be difficult, especially on your birthday ...but hear me out.

After J has said this to you, what BETTER way to get an answer to your conundrum in real time?

It will mightily suck if they do something at your birthday party or something happens when alcohol is involved. Again however, if you want a real answer, then keep your lip zipped about it and try to act like you have not a care in the world.

Because if you let on, J makes a course correction and then you'll never know.

So just sit back and observe them as much as possible. If they think you are clueless it will be easier for them to let their guard down, and when they let their guard down, you'll have your answer either way.

It ill be very hard, but stick to your guns.

Look at it this way: If indeed something will go on, then you'll not have to waste anther Birthday with either of them.
This was my thought for a long while, that i'd use their interactions as a test of sorts to see each of their true colors, and I deeply respect this persective. Honestly though, if R is the type of girl to do something, then I will sit back and it will materialize eventually with another person, but I'd rather it not be with a close friend, and on my birthday night. In regards to J, whether or not he would do anything, in my mind he crossed a line already just making the comments he did. I will keep an eye on him as well, but I'm not ready to discard him completely. If he is attracted to R and makes a correction to his own behavior though, that's good enough for me.
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Old 1st February 2018, 5:14 PM   #14
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Thank you all so much for your responses. I am open to any additonal input as well, or criticisms of the way i am handling things. Much appreciated
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Old 1st February 2018, 6:00 PM   #15
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Thank you all so much for your responses. I am open to any additonal input as well, or criticisms of the way i am handling things. Much appreciated
Having a crush on someone isnít the problem acting on it is. Looking at it from my point of view J did right by by letting you know. Just think about it.

What if you were to question what was going on between them with out knowing what J had told you. Know you know he has a crush, big deal.
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