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Uncomfortable about gf texting/meeting old ex/fwb


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 20th December 2017, 10:27 AM   #16
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Thank you all for the replies. Valid points. A small update: i did talk with her again and said "i just want to make it clear we're on the same page with boundaries. Im not cool with you having any relationship with Steve given your history. What makes me comfortable is if you go NC with him. Would that be a problem?" And without hesitation she smiled and said it wouldn't be a problem and shes go NC with him. And she reitterated that she was happy i let her know what bothers me as i come first etc.. So it went well.
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Old 20th December 2017, 6:02 PM   #17
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Thank you all for the replies. Valid points. A small update: i did talk with her again and said "i just want to make it clear we're on the same page with boundaries. Im not cool with you having any relationship with Steve given your history. What makes me comfortable is if you go NC with him. Would that be a problem?" And without hesitation she smiled and said it wouldn't be a problem and shes go NC with him. And she reitterated that she was happy i let her know what bothers me as i come first etc.. So it went well.
Thumbs Up.

Good for you for bringing it up...good on her for being so matter of fact and eager to move forward.

However....

Just remember words are cheap Only through her actions will you be able to truly know her sincerity. I just want to warn you that since this is an ex whom she feels some attachment towards(after all, why would she have been texting an ex when she has a boyfriend?), so do not be surprised if it takes more than one time to actually go NC with this guy. Usually in situations like this at your young ages that seems to be a hard thing to do at first attempt.

I was never a fan of Reagan,(when he died I had a Dance Party that night). but one thing he said in a rhetorical fashion always stuck with me:

Trust but Verify
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Old 20th December 2017, 7:20 PM   #18
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Lol

Remember her "abusive" ex husband? She hid it from him. She's good at this. She's also good at lying. Remember this guy has outlasted her husband. It's good you had a chat but be vigilant.
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Old 20th December 2017, 10:03 PM   #19
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Thumbs Up.

Good for you for bringing it up...good on her for being so matter of fact and eager to move forward.

However....

Just remember words are cheap Only through her actions will you be able to truly know her sincerity. I just want to warn you that since this is an ex whom she feels some attachment towards(after all, why would she have been texting an ex when she has a boyfriend?), so do not be surprised if it takes more than one time to actually go NC with this guy. Usually in situations like this at your young ages that seems to be a hard thing to do at first attempt.

I was never a fan of Reagan,(when he died I had a Dance Party that night). but one thing he said in a rhetorical fashion always stuck with me:

Trust but Verify
Very true. Verifying on something like this could be tricky without doing the whole snooping- looking through phones things.. i could just ask in month's time "hey, so has Steve ever texted you?" *shrugs*
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Old 20th December 2017, 10:39 PM   #20
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Lol

Remember her "abusive" ex husband? She hid it from him. She's good at this. She's also good at lying. Remember this guy has outlasted her husband. It's good you had a chat but be vigilant.
Well, while the abusive ex husband cheated on her, stole her family heirloom jewelry and sold it for drugs, destroyed my gf's property out of soite when they argued, called her "worthless" and every other thing.. the guy was/is complete scum. Im not saying that that justifies lying to him about talking to an ex, though my gf says initially he knew she talked to Steve though as time went on the exhusband stifled her to a point he didnt even want her to have a car anymore so she couldnt leave the house. He met her when he was 33, fresh out of prison, and she was a young 18 (niave and with a troubles family upbringing). Throughout thier toxic relationship he did one horrible thing or another (i find out new ones everyday lol) and manipulated the hell out of her to the point she felt emotional abuse was normal. Does that stuff make it ok for her to jave texted Steve? No, and she even admits that.

Now also. In my younger days ive dated some.. unsavory girls lol. A bipolar borderline.. others that would lie about inconsequential things.. and i work in mental health. I feel i have developed a pretty good bs detector over time.. I truly feel my gf has been upfront and honest about everything when i talk to her. Ive found that her stories ALWAYS match up. Shes so blunt about everything (almost to a fault) and has no filter lol. I actually think its a cool quality. And maybe she feels more comfortable with me than previous relationships because im so the opposite of guys shes dated. Im veeery non judgemental, im positive, supportive... I think i make her feel at ease.

She actually brought this up on her own, "i hope you dont think ill lie to you because of how i did to Bob. I promise i wont do that to you. Im usually never like that." I actually believe her when she says this.

And also - they very few times weve ever had discussions about things and i told her something bothered me (and i dont have unreasonable demands) - BOOM shes always resolved it for me in a milisecond. And stuck to it. So going by her past actions, i do feel i can trust her some in that regard. Not that i will, but im pretty sure shed allow me to look theough her phone if i ever asked. Shes just that open all the time with me.

I think her and Steves texting were down to fairly infrequently as of late anyways. I dont think its going to be too hard for her to stop because the emotional connection isnt as strong as before. Im confident shes into me more than Steve. I actually think that Steve (while being my friend though still a little slimey) probably saw her dating me (ill try and be humble but i have a lot of things/attributes going for me) and it prob lit a little jealous desire in him causing him to reach out to her. I think me being around worries him, in some weird and twisted way.. Because hes the one that proposed meeting up in the first place. And again, if my gf was so hung up on him she wouldnt have ignored him that day and left him hanging to instead see me.

So i know.. its hard to capture someones intricacies through a message board.. but like luke to vader, i feel theres good in her. Shes made a bunch of horrible decesions earlier in life (which she admits to) though i think shes learned from them. While i do feel she is a bit naive and off with boundary issues, i think its something we can work on and shes already seemed receptive and supportive so far with it.

And yes, i will not be so niave as to stop vigilence, of course �� Ive always ascribed to "Judge people by what they do, not what they say."

Last edited by mani81; 20th December 2017 at 10:42 PM..
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Old 21st December 2017, 4:43 AM   #21
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it doesn't matter that her ex was a jerk and a thief, it's her actions and moral compass you should be questioning. So what if her ex was a jerk, the other buddy still has a wife and they are not friends, they are f*ck buddies.

Being a f*ck buddy requires little maintenance, only the tacit understanding of the contract between the two parties. The fact this dude messed her about and she still wants to "catch up" and was in communication is a red flag.

Like someone said, 4 months on she shouldn't be able to keep her hands off you, this should be new and exciting. The fact she wanted to meet and catch up should be worrying but good luck to you anyway.
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Old 21st December 2017, 5:09 AM   #22
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I'd keep an eye on things too, OP.

Yes, she says she'll give this up. But her history indicates that transparency and honesty is not her strong suit.
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Old 21st December 2017, 8:29 AM   #23
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it doesn't matter that her ex was a jerk and a thief, it's her actions and moral compass you should be questioning. So what if her ex was a jerk, the other buddy still has a wife and they are not friends, they are f*ck buddies.

Being a f*ck buddy requires little maintenance, only the tacit understanding of the contract between the two parties. The fact this dude messed her about and she still wants to "catch up" and was in communication is a red flag.

Like someone said, 4 months on she shouldn't be able to keep her hands off you, this should be new and exciting. The fact she wanted to meet and catch up should be worrying but good luck to you anyway.
Well again, she didnt hide it from me and didnt meet him when she could have. I can just hope shes leanres from this but we'll see. But yes, i agree - the situation overall is a red flag. Ill keep my eyes open.
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Old 21st December 2017, 8:59 AM   #24
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The puckish side of me thinks it would be funny to write on Steve's fbook wall, " Hey man! Heard you and *my gfs name* were gonna grab lunch the other day but that it didnt work out! Maybe we can set something up to where we all hang out and you bring *steves wifes name*!! ☺" lol posting this would appear innocent but would throw steve under the bus with his wife. And no, im not immature enough to do this 😇
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Old 21st December 2017, 11:14 AM   #25
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There's a much easier fix to all of this. You know Steve. You are FB friends. Just tag along when they meet to catch up. Bring Steve's new wife along. If it's all above board there should be no problem. If anybody balks, then you dig deeper. If Steve's wife balks just let her be the heavy.
Better yet dump her. Maybe she never cheated on her husband.
Then maybe she did, and maybe others.

What we do know is that she was willing to be the OW for Steve's
affair/s. This shows lack of being able to maintain proper boundaries
and having low morals.

Further she does not at 10 plus years later realize that Steve has low
morals. Remember he was/is a cheater. She thinks he is still a great
guy after all these years. This shows that she has had no personal
growth after all this time.

Time to dump her.
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Old 21st December 2017, 11:14 AM   #26
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Verifying on something like this could be tricky
...
she didnt hide it from me
Right. It's pretty unlikely that she would cut contact with someone she obviously has some kind of feelings for, so easily and without even a bit of a fight. And now you've tipped her off that if she wants to carry on a relationship with you, she WILL have to hide it from you. Verifying that she has NC'd him or not will be very tricky indeed. Even if you snoop it's likely she will be covering her tracks, deleting messages, etc.

Of course maybe she really has cut off contact. But it will be very difficult to know for sure. You may have put yourself into a difficult position here...
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Old 21st December 2017, 11:43 AM   #27
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Simply, you don't have to go all super sleuth on her. But read up on this site for the "red flags" and use simple "man math". She does seem to be compatible with you, and that is good. But in 4 months, you are right to question where this relationship is going. If she wants to keep it light and fun, you know what you have to do. If she wants to go serious and focus all her intimate energy into you guys as a couple, then making plans and step process is a good way to start as well.
Just guard your heart. With her penchant of going from relationship to relationship, I sense plan B action. She craves the attention from dangerous types, but got burned real bad from being dumped as a sex object and abused as a wife....These things don't go away easily. You are the "safe" type that she lays her foundation upon. But she still will have her other needs as well. ie.."steve".
If she does keep texting, assume they are "seeing" each other, or other parties involved... No biggie, you have your validation and move towards FWB with no commitment. Don't be capt. save-a-ho, just enjoy your "friendship" and look towards making LTR material elsewhere.
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Old 21st December 2017, 12:39 PM   #28
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Yall make good points and again thanks for the replies. Again, I will keep my guard up. Its a tricky situation. (For a risk taker; safe bet would be walk away)
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Old 21st December 2017, 1:17 PM   #29
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Troubled family upbringing, a seven year abusive relationship which she has only recently ended and her "best friend" is some guy who used her as a side chick and basically just "abused" her in a different way.

YOU are the knight in shining armour trying to save this fair damsel and you are now also putting yourself in competition with these "lesser men", you NEED to win and that I guess will be your downfall.

You say you work in mental health and I guess you have just bagged yourself a very interesting case study...
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Old 21st December 2017, 1:40 PM   #30
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Troubled family upbringing, a seven year abusive relationship which she has only recently ended and her "best friend" is some guy who used her as a side chick and basically just "abused" her in a different way.

YOU are the knight in shining armour trying to save this fair damsel and you are now also putting yourself in competition with these "lesser men", you NEED to win and that I guess will be your downfall.

You say you work in mental health and I guess you have just bagged yourself a very interesting case study...
Lol nice! Very true
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