Cheated on in the past - how did you find out?

[Shanex]

Simple question.

 

In a previous relationship or what I thought what a nice healthy relationship anyway, a woman I was mostly seeing at her place ( well for doing the deed anyway) had a condom wrapper under her bed (I wasnt fishing for clues it was random). I asked her jokingly ''how many guys are you seeing beside me''. She wasnt upset but explained herself it was ''old and she was messy''. Meh, I am not that gullible and had been in her room plenty of time in the previous months and never found it.

 

When confronted, cheaters react differently. My ex wasnt passive agressive but played it the clever way or so she thought... ''I am sad you think this etc''.

 

What are your stories when you confronted a cheater to his or her lies?

[road]

Her, are you dating anyone else

Me, no

Me, are you

Her, no

 

I, believed her back then.

Makes me want to ask her now if she believed me back

then. What she thought about my answer. Did she think

she pulled one over on me.

[Space Ritual]

Walked in on them having sex in my bed in my house.

 

I beat the crap out of both of them

 

I went to jail for a long time

 

End of story.

[Shanex]

Walked in on them having sex in my bed in my house.

 

I beat the crap out of both of them

 

I went to jail for a long time

 

End of story.

 

Pretty hard to find a worse story than that. Sorry.

 

Cheaters do realise the consequences of their action? It makes me wonder...

 

I hope I never find myself in such a situation. Not sure if Id react violently or just walk away, pathetically.

[carhill]

Maybe a bit graphic but guys who enjoy cunnilingus probably have a smell and taste library of a long-time partner/spouse and how things are and instinctively feel when something is off.

 

I'll leave it at that, and that I had some lousy programming when young to instinctively trust in and believe women. I should have changed my middle name to clueless. Something interesting I've noted over the decades is that lying and lack of respect seem to go hand in hand in a lot of areas. I haven't yet figured out which impels which but they seem to be a pretty intimate couple.

[Space Ritual]

Pretty hard to find a worse story than that. Sorry.

 

Cheaters do realise the consequences of their action? It makes me wonder...

 

I hope I never find myself in such a situation. Not sure if Id react violently or just walk away, pathetically.

 

There would have been nothing wrong or pathetic for walking away.

 

In fact, I should have

 

But I can't unsee what I saw and I can't take back what I did. I learned a very hard lesson that day. And that lesson was that as opposed to everything I grew up thinking was perfectly normal, that violence is not always the best dispute resolution.

 

I cannot blame any mitigating factors for what I did. I can only blame myself. I usually only talk about this as a cautionary tale when people come here or other places and post about confronting the OM/OW and kicking their asses. I never want to see anyone else ruin their entire future by doing what I did.

 

The beating provided a very temporary sense of vindication and/or justice.

 

What came after it (prison for 4 years, the lawsuits, the difficulty getting employment or a place to live due to having a violent record, the loss of friends who knew what what going on...among a few examples) was not worth one second of what happened that day. not one second.

 

That is why I try to advise as much as possible when these situations happen to just remember the words of the Lord Humongous in The Road Warrior:

 

"Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror...Just walk away"

[Zahara]

Caught them in the act.

 

His response, "It's not what you think it is.

 

I walked away.

[grays]

I found out in sort of a slow burn over a oeriod of months. The first hint really should have been enough but in 25 years with him I'd never had any reason to believe he'd stray and we weren't having problems at the time.

 

He had gone out with a group of friends at 4 pm. They were going to have an early dinner and then see a movie. He told me he was looking forward to watching the next episode of Mad Men with me when he got home. He had never in all those years not been where he said he was gonna be or not appropriately updated me. So around 2 am I called highway patrol and they assured me he wasn't dead. When he walked in at 5 am I was just happy af that he was alive. He said he turned his ringer off for the movie and never thought to look at it or turn it on during the hours and hours that he and Rebecca (then longtime friend of both of ours, now his partner) were sitting in the car talking. He claimed it was a long serious talk about a bunch of political stuff going on at work and I believed him. I kinda think you only trust like that once.

[Alamo657]

A cheater will NEVER admit to cheating unless caught in the act.

 

As for myself... nothing gruesome, but very early one morning, before the usual "wake up time" (and yes i was spying) i found the car of my then girlfriend in front of the building of a guy i was sure she was cheating on me with, but couldn't prove it until then.

 

I never actually confronted her about it, because i was a whimp back then. Eventually she "broke up", not to be with that guy, but with another i had absolutely no clue about.

 

She was a serial nymphomaniac narcissistic woman with very heavy daddy issues (the man was related with shady financial dealings, and abandoned her and mother at 6), is what i concluded after all the dust had settled down in my head. Of course to the outside world she was a pretty and funny single mom...

Edited December 7, 2017 by Alamo657

[Danika]

Both times I found out after we'd broken up, through people telling me they heard through the grapevine.

[RecentChange]

A cheater will NEVER admit to cheating unless caught in the act.

 

How do you define "caught in the act"?

 

My husband found a package of unopened condoms.

 

He confronted me about it and I confessed. ALL of it. There was a lot he had absolutely no evidence about, and likely would have never discovered, but by that time I had learned enough about trickle truth and spilled the beans. The whole ugly thing.

 

Maybe you consider that caught in the act. I probably could have tried to come up with some lame excuse - but the jig was up, and it seemed best to just confess.

 

As for how I discovered when he cheated? I noticed texts to a women I hadn't heard of. I questioned him, he said it was a "work contact". The correspondence continued, I pressed "who is this that you are talking to?". He kept denying.

 

One morning I woke up and had a feeling to check his phone again, that chick had sent him a picture of her tits.

 

I went to him "a work contact huh?" Can't say he confessed right away, but he did eventually, I got the OW to confess to me as well - and let her in on all of the lies he had told her once he confessed to me (supposedly we we're divorced and living together - some people will believe anything)

[Shanex]

By caught in the act, alamo probably meant the same story as Space Ritual above. You cannot deny anything when you are banging some other dude.

 

Recent change, I don't hang out much in this subforum but I find it very respectable that you and your hubby have stayed together despite having cheaten on each other. If you had registered on LS when this happened and shared this story, probably you would have been told to divorce or break up. Interesting perspective for a change.

 

Id guess I could also forgive, but really impose stronger boundaries, for that reason, I don't believe in the ''once a cheater, always a cheater'' adage.

[browzer]

Walked in on them having sex in my bed in my house.

 

I beat the crap out of both of them

 

I went to jail for a long time

 

End of story.

 

Hope it was worth it for the brief gratification you received.

 

You could have simply walked away and out of their lives forever rather than rotting in a jail cell for years and messing up your own life because of your uncontrollable response to their actions.

[Space Ritual]

Hope it was worth it for the brief gratification you received.

 

You could have simply walked away and out of their lives forever rather than rotting in a jail cell for years and messing up your own life because of your uncontrollable response to their actions.

 

LOL...yeah I guess you have not read much of what I have written in the past about it.

 

Believe me, I sailed on that ship of taking responsibility a long time ago. You are about 30 years too late

[carhill]

^^^When I read your post upthread I was reminded of the girlfriend/lover scene at the beginning of American Sniper where Chris Kyle popped the lover a few times on his way out the door. He didn't pop his girlfriend though, at least in the movie.

 

Back when your deal happened, male on male violence was a lot more common IME and if the popped lover complained to the cop, the cop was likely to opine well you shouldn't have been boinking his wife or girlfriend. Different times.

 

The odd thing was, growing up in those times, all I ever heard about and was programmed for was male infidelity. The wandering male eye and the traveling salesman, etc, etc. Women were pure as the driven snow and had to deal with these philandering males who they were either married to or pushing away. Little did I know, heh....