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Horrible mistake


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 16th November 2017, 1:19 PM   #61
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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
Well she should advertise that she is a genius... and that she is able to help with infidelity.

But seriously, why do so many counselors subscribe to that like of thinking that we see all the time? Can she answer that?
Her words:

"Because the person feels a sort of satisfaction that since they got it off their chest with them, a bond is formed. Which in turn brings them back. Rarely do people return when they hear things they do not want to hear. Which is Ironic as they usually come back around after the relationship has failed...".

Interesting stuff.
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Old 16th November 2017, 1:27 PM   #62
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Originally Posted by TheWoman View Post
Post natal depression is dangerous. People have done terrible things under its influence. Advising OP to take care of it and herself first, before unleashing a whole world more of stress and pain, is sensible and careful. There is no possible healing for anyone anyway until that is resolved. I have not met her and neither have you, but other professionals have - I would not be comfortable undermining that.
I agree to an extent. Nobody is telling her to undermine anything (I'm certainly not). What I am saying is that burying what happened is only going to cause more problems. Big ones. The fact that she is here goes to show that she is having a hard time. She does get some sympathy from me as she has done the right thing in removing the contact with the other guy. Very, very good of her.

If I were her, my questions to a counselor would be "I want to fix this, how can I".

Please don't think that the roughness or the real talk is sinister. It really is not. It is the reality being put forth without trying to gloss things over.

The OP has a lot going for her and I'm willing to bet that she is a good person. In the end no matter how it is put to her, we all want her relationship to succeed.
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Old 16th November 2017, 1:34 PM   #63
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Just playing devil's advocate here, but there was a recent male poster who shared his story of his life/marriage. He was still angry/broken up/resentful after MANY years of marriage because his wife had admitted to prior infidelity. Am I remembering this right? Anyone else know what thread I am talking about? This poster's point was that he really wished his wife had never told him because it ruined his life.
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Old 16th November 2017, 1:45 PM   #64
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Yeah it was Rog..Hope I didn't offend. But yeah, older gentleman with a old hippie wife from the sixties. Her excuse was that sex is like a handshake. I think the disconnect is different than here though. If my wife gave me another guys kid, and said well, the sex is just a handshake...I wouldn't have waited 30 years to boot her.lol

"Oh, but I love you and was honest about everything else..." Can only go so far.
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Old 16th November 2017, 2:49 PM   #65
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You keep repeating that you love your BF very much. However when you feel you weren’t being supported enough you go and have sex with another man and then call it a mistake after you realize how your CHOICES may have devestating consequences with regards to you relashionship with your BF. You need to tell him so that he can make his CHOICE as to whether or not he will continue with you.
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Old 16th November 2017, 3:30 PM   #66
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Originally Posted by HCEC View Post
Just a little update. I spoke to two counsellors today. One for post natal depression and a relationship one who both said

“Telling him isn’t the best thing to do. I should just forgive myself and devote myself to him.”

I haven’t changed my mind about telling him just thought it was interesting that professionals had a different view
Back in the old days it was the party line to never confess.

Though what has been discovered is that the truth all to often
has a way to come out. Now with the computer age, the true
tends to get discovered more.

What has also been discovered is that when the WW confesses
the chances of staying married are higher then when the BH
finds out even years after the PA was over.

Then the addictive nature of affairs is what causes many affairs
to restart, even after many years. With the BH left in the dark
the BH does not know to look out for their WS cheating again.

It has also been shown that when a WW does not have to face
the consequences of being caught having an affair they are
more likely to have another affair again in the future.
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Old 16th November 2017, 3:49 PM   #67
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OP, your fiance loves the relationship he believes you two have, and the person he believes you are.

The problem is that his perceptions do not line up with the truth.
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Old 16th November 2017, 5:43 PM   #68
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You are totally focused on your cheating as the "single big mistake you made". But I think that you made a much bigger mistake. This is when you start talking about getting back together, before your last IVF that brought your child.

One night stand while being drunk is something that can be forgiven. But taking a decision to get back to him, to have an IVF treatment with him, and to have his child, all these when you're still lying and hiding the cheating... Well, this is no "one mistake". This is more like a character trait than a mistake.

I strongly believe that this kind of character is expressed in other parts of the relationship. You probably turn to omit other things that are uncomfortable to confront, you probably shape and fix the reality here and there, in order to avoid conflicts that aren't for your best interest at certain moments.

So, if that is what your fiance loves, I wouldn't tell him. If you didn't tell him the truth when you should have, telling him now is not even close to "doing the right thing". Telling him now might ruin his life.

I have a better offer for you - Don't tell him, but always!! Always try to remember what you did, and be nicer to him when hard times come. Be a better wife, love him more, and forgive him for mistakes he will make in the future. So, in this equation he doesn't get the perfect honesty, but he gets a better wife that can forgive and to treat him better in the future. This is a much better deal for him than the deal of "telling him now for clearing your guilt".

Don't tell him!!!

Last edited by lolablue17; 16th November 2017 at 5:49 PM..
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Old 16th November 2017, 5:56 PM   #69
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This is ridiculous. They are not going to waste an embryo implanting into an already pregnant woman! They test and control hormone levels constantly. If she had already had implantation it would show in the tests and they would not have done the transfer.

She would have had to sleep with the other man within... 12 hours or so of the embryo transfer. That is a narrow window and kind of silly to even suggest.

99.99999% chance that OP's baby is fathered by the sperm donor to the IVF procedure. It's beside the point anyway.
Nope, she already said an IVF procedure failed and she went and got drunk, then did the deed...

https://www.kindara.com/blog/how-man...-a-womans-body
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Old 16th November 2017, 6:38 PM   #70
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Not telling him = no repercussions.

No repercussions = likely to cheat again, bc hey, why not,nobody got hurt by it the last time.
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Old 16th November 2017, 8:25 PM   #71
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You do not have to tell him. But the trade off is that you should not marry him. Maybe it is best to do as some would suggest...Live with your guilt...but as a single mother.

Anyone that suggest that you carry the deceit in to marriage, is truly heartless or paid to make you feel good.

I do not think you can do that.. I think you do love this man and do wish to marry. You know what you must do and that is why you post. Prepare yourself and do what you must do. Do the research on how to survive a affair, not how to lie about the affair. Work this out BEFORE marriage.

FWIW, I will marry next year.

Last edited by Cullenbohannon; 16th November 2017 at 8:28 PM..
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Old 16th November 2017, 9:43 PM   #72
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Plain and simple - if you don't plan to get honest then don't plan to marry him.
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Old 16th November 2017, 10:21 PM   #73
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Originally Posted by HCEC View Post
This will be a long post, apologies in advance

A couple of years ago I was going through IvF with my partner and it failed. I was depressed, our relationship wasn’t fun and all I did was think about not being able to have children. Sex stopped unless it was timed to try and get pregnant.

I started talking to a friend who I knew loved me but I felt nothing for. Before I knew it we were flirting over text etc. He kept asking me to meet which we did but nothing happened.

I had a cycle of IVF that failed and felt very unsupported by my partner. So I got very drunk and slept with the other guy.

I broke things off with my partner but never told him. We worked through our communication problems, got back together and now are engaged with a 6 month old baby

I am very sleep deprived and maybe postnatally depressed but all I can think of is the guilt from my one night mistake

If I tell my partner it would shatter his happiness. He is completely the man I want to be with.

Will my guilt ease in time? I think it is so strong at the moment because I don’t have much else to think about. It makes me cry daily and I spend hours googling should I tell me partner

I have being given anti depressants by my doctor as suffered anxiety about my baby’s health before this guilt surfaced. Is it just linked to my depression?

What should I do?
Do the right thing.

How hard is this really. “His the guy of my dreams” “I love him so much”. But all I have to do is get drunk and I sleep with another guy.

Having poor communication skills is not going to cause you to sleep with someone else.

Having an down and out fight won’t cause you to sleep with someone else.

Your lack of caring for and not loving the poor guy your are with will.

Tell the truth and give him a real chance at happiness in the future. Your guilt will eat you up. If he finds out on his own, it’s over and done.

Yes the stress will effect the baby and it is not healthy for you being pregnant.
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Old 16th November 2017, 10:26 PM   #74
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Originally Posted by smackie9 View Post
I suggest you go talk to a therapist FIRST that specializes in prenatal depression/ relationships.

Then when you have your emotions settled and are of more clearer thinking, then decide if you want to tell him or not.

It's not a crime to not tell him or not tell him at this time, because it is your life, your conscience you are dealing with and it's no one elses business to tell you otherwise.

Sometimes telling the truth is worse than just forgetting it ever happened and moving on from it.

If you do tell him, the both of you seek out couples counseling...I feel it's not worth tossing all of what you have away over this one time indiscretion.
I believe this is the first time I have totally disagreed with one of your post. Deceit is always the best way to start a family.
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Old 16th November 2017, 10:27 PM   #75
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Originally Posted by BarbedFenceRider View Post
Nope, she already said an IVF procedure failed and she went and got drunk, then did the deed...

https://www.kindara.com/blog/how-man...-a-womans-body
Please, let's put the baby daddy issue to rest! Anybody who has brain cells knows that if she cheated in June and did IVF in September, the affair partner is not the daddy. Let's move on.
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