what the heck

[healthyhopes]

This guy who I work with appeared to become interested in me. He asked me to hang out, and I said sure. Two of my other friends ended up flaking, so it was just me and him. He then insisted on paying for my food when I went out. I had no intention of dating him at this time-- I just saw him as a friend.

 

But ok, I bit the hook. He was really nice and funny and it appeared that he really liked talking to me too. We hung out more. We spent an entire weekend together (and had some heavy makeout sessions) and things seemed to be going great. We hung out at work often. I thought things were going somewhere but felt it was waaaaaaaaaay too early to have any sort of conversation on the matter.

But, it did seem like he was interested in me. He would ask me to hang out, offer to buy my food and coffee (and buy it!), spend long stretches of time with me. Normal stuff like that. Keep in mind-- he initiated EVERYTHING.

 

He took a trip for work and I felt like some things were off. We don't communicate much through texting, but I was certain he had mentioned that he's just not a great texter. Still, I had a bad feeling about him that I couldn't put my finger on.

 

When he came back (it was just a few days), I asked him if he would wanna go to a certain museum sometime with me. Suddenly, he said he was way too busy for a relationship and asked if I would be interested in only hooking up with him. I told him I didn't know him nearly enough for a relationship, but that I didn't want to aimlessly hook up with someone, and felt offended that he would ask such a thing. He kept reaffirming that he liked me but that he couldn't offer x amount of time to see me each week, and I said that I wasn't even demanding that he give up his precious time to see me. I kept refusing to hook up with him, as I had learned my lesson in a previous friends with benefits relationship, and he finally said that he would be fine seeing me only for things like coffee or hanging out. I agreed and said that was fine, but still felt offended.

 

I completely ignored his presence at work. The next day, I messaged him, asking him if he legitimately liked me. I wanted to clarify that I wasn't looking for a relationship yet, but that I just wanted to see where things are going because I wasn't sure how much i knew him/liked him either. He said that me ignoring him made him feel extremely sad, and then busted out that he has major commitment issues and that he will never be able to have a relationship in his entire life. (??) I told him that if that's the case, it isn't my problem, and that I wouldn't ask him to hang out anymore and that he should decide what he wants from me himself.

 

 

I then changed my mind and messaged him earlier today telling him that I think we should just be friends, that I don't like him enough for anything big, and that I have attachment issues too (I think I have a fearful-avoidant attachment type), understand where he is coming from, and am trying to be healthier + shouldn't engage in stuff like this. He said he's ok with being friends.

 

 

And I STILL feel clingy!!!!!! And I am not a clingy person! I have no idea what just happened!! I literally only knew him on this level for like 3 weeks!

[sdraw108]

I wouldn't waste your time on this. 3 weeks is a short enough time that you'll get over him quickly if you start doing it now. If you allow yourself to get sucked in, then your feelings will only get more developed and confused, and you will be worse off for it later (since we already know this isn't going to end well).

 

Disconnect from him and move on with your life.

[smackie9]

It's the old "to be desirable is to be undesirable..." By being less available to you physically and emotionally, made him more desirable...like "we want more what we can't have". Players use this method called the "push and pull". This is what he is doing. He got you all hooked, then pulled back hoping this will work in his favor when offering a FWB. By you putting on he brakes, his plan was crushed, he gets pissed about it.

 

Whatever came out of his mouth after that is complete BS. He tried to play you....you are much smarter than that, thank god.

[healthyhopes]

I wouldn't waste your time on this. 3 weeks is a short enough time that you'll get over him quickly if you start doing it now. If you allow yourself to get sucked in, then your feelings will only get more developed and confused, and you will be worse off for it later (since we already know this isn't going to end well).

 

Disconnect from him and move on with your life.

 

Thanks, I fully intend on doing so. I have some issues with overthinking but I think I'll be over this soon.

[healthyhopes]

It's the old "to be desirable is to be undesirable..." By being less available to you physically and emotionally, made him more desirable...like "we want more what we can't have". Players use this method called the "push and pull". This is what he is doing. He got you all hooked, then pulled back hoping this will work in his favor when offering a FWB. By you putting on he brakes, his plan was crushed, he gets pissed about it.

 

Whatever came out of his mouth after that is complete BS. He tried to play you....you are much smarter than that, thank god.

 

 

Hmmm, interesting. So you think that he did all of this purposefully? I really don't understand any of this, it all just seems like an enormous waste of time to me. It honestly makes me feel so gross. I have no idea why someone would do this to me. I'm also second guessing my own actions when I asked him to just be friends, as this seems clingy, but my intention is to make the workplace less hostile, because while I'm not paying any attention to him, it seems like he's really making moves to hide from me (I have no idea why).

 

I'm glad I didn't fall for it either! I surely would have in the past. The only thing I'm worried about is that he is FOR SURE gossiping about this with two of his (dramatic, gossipy) best friends who also work here, which won't do well in my favor considering I just reapplied for my job (we have to reapply each semester) and they have higher ranking than I currently do. I have no idea what he's telling them and I really didn't want to be drawn into any of this drama.

[smackie9]

Hmmm, interesting. So you think that he did all of this purposefully? I really don't understand any of this, it all just seems like an enormous waste of time to me. It honestly makes me feel so gross. I have no idea why someone would do this to me. I'm also second guessing my own actions when I asked him to just be friends, as this seems clingy, but my intention is to make the workplace less hostile, because while I'm not paying any attention to him, it seems like he's really making moves to hide from me (I have no idea why).

 

I'm glad I didn't fall for it either! I surely would have in the past. The only thing I'm worried about is that he is FOR SURE gossiping about this with two of his (dramatic, gossipy) best friends who also work here, which won't do well in my favor considering I just reapplied for my job (we have to reapply each semester) and they have higher ranking than I currently do. I have no idea what he's telling them and I really didn't want to be drawn into any of this drama.

So let this be a lesson not to ever date a coworker.

[usa1ah]

Love potion #9 maybe?

[ExpatInItaly]

Maybe he's been dating someone else and is afraid she will find out about you.

[Darren Steez]

This guy who I work with appeared to become interested in me. He asked me to hang out, and I said sure. Two of my other friends ended up flaking, so it was just me and him. He then insisted on paying for my food when I went out. I had no intention of dating him at this time-- I just saw him as a friend.

 

But ok, I bit the hook. He was really nice and funny and it appeared that he really liked talking to me too. We hung out more. We spent an entire weekend together (and had some heavy makeout sessions) and things seemed to be going great. We hung out at work often. I thought things were going somewhere but felt it was waaaaaaaaaay too early to have any sort of conversation on the matter.

But, it did seem like he was interested in me. He would ask me to hang out, offer to buy my food and coffee (and buy it!), spend long stretches of time with me. Normal stuff like that. Keep in mind-- he initiated EVERYTHING.

 

He took a trip for work and I felt like some things were off. We don't communicate much through texting, but I was certain he had mentioned that he's just not a great texter. Still, I had a bad feeling about him that I couldn't put my finger on.

 

When he came back (it was just a few days), I asked him if he would wanna go to a certain museum sometime with me. Suddenly, he said he was way too busy for a relationship and asked if I would be interested in only hooking up with him. I told him I didn't know him nearly enough for a relationship, but that I didn't want to aimlessly hook up with someone, and felt offended that he would ask such a thing. He kept reaffirming that he liked me but that he couldn't offer x amount of time to see me each week, and I said that I wasn't even demanding that he give up his precious time to see me. I kept refusing to hook up with him, as I had learned my lesson in a previous friends with benefits relationship, and he finally said that he would be fine seeing me only for things like coffee or hanging out. I agreed and said that was fine, but still felt offended.

 

I completely ignored his presence at work. The next day, I messaged him, asking him if he legitimately liked me. I wanted to clarify that I wasn't looking for a relationship yet, but that I just wanted to see where things are going because I wasn't sure how much i knew him/liked him either. He said that me ignoring him made him feel extremely sad, and then busted out that he has major commitment issues and that he will never be able to have a relationship in his entire life. (??) I told him that if that's the case, it isn't my problem, and that I wouldn't ask him to hang out anymore and that he should decide what he wants from me himself.

 

 

I then changed my mind and messaged him earlier today telling him that I think we should just be friends, that I don't like him enough for anything big, and that I have attachment issues too (I think I have a fearful-avoidant attachment type), understand where he is coming from, and am trying to be healthier + shouldn't engage in stuff like this. He said he's ok with being friends.

 

 

And I STILL feel clingy!!!!!! And I am not a clingy person! I have no idea what just happened!! I literally only knew him on this level for like 3 weeks!

 

Well done and welcome to dating.

 

This is dating. This is what it's meant for.

 

Imagine if you will be so kind, that you walked into a car dealership just to browse then you saw a nice little number that was right up your alley.

 

Fantastic!

 

Now you take the car out for a test drive, everything is running smooth, handles like a dream and in your heart you're already getting ready to eat pot noodles for the next couple of months because you want it.

Then a wheel falls off. Cool, just pop that sucker back on and you're on your way.

Then the engine starts smoking, exhaust pipe falls off and the roof peels off and flies onto the street.

 

You still going to buy the car as it is? Probably not.

 

You got played. Dude sprung for food and gave you the time (and charm) because he thought he was getting booty, all the while probably grooming some other lady somewhere whom he eventually went to see.

 

You already knew something was up and like most human beings you made an attachment and subconsciously want to claim what's yours. Conversely this dude probably got laid on his trip so his interest level isn't high anymore so he dispenses with the fakery and comes out and just asks you if you want to bang.

 

Best not to pursue this any further and get caught up with this guy. You test drove him and this is what he's like.

[healthyhopes]

Thanks for your insights!!! This is one of the weirdest things that has happened to me and I find it easy to blame myself for whatever happens-dating wise, but I'll just limit all interactions with him

[road]

So let this be a lesson not to ever date a coworker.

 

I know lots of people that married co-workers and

have great marriages.

 

There are two types of dating:

 

To get laid.

 

To date them because you see someone special and

feel the potential for them to become a spouse.

 

I see no problems when the intentions are honorable.

[Space Ritual]

This guy who I work with appeared to become interested in me. He asked me to hang out, and I said sure. Two of my other friends ended up flaking, so it was just me and him. He then insisted on paying for my food when I went out. I had no intention of dating him at this time-- I just saw him as a friend.

 

But ok, I bit the hook.<snip>

 

Please take this as a lesson as to why most people will not encourage you to pursue romantic interests at work. Some have done it successfully but they are in a vast minority.

 

Now it will always be uncomfortable at work around him until one of you is at a different job.

Edited November 13, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[smackie9]

I know lots of people that married co-workers and

have great marriages.

 

There are two types of dating:

 

To get laid.

 

To date them because you see someone special and

feel the potential for them to become a spouse.

 

I see no problems when the intentions are honorable.

I know plenty who have too! BUT You have to keep in mind the majority of relationships at work don't end in marriages.

[stillafool]

 

The only thing I'm worried about is that he is FOR SURE gossiping about this with two of his (dramatic, gossipy) best friends who also work here, which won't do well in my favor considering I just reapplied for my job (we have to reapply each semester) and they have higher ranking than I currently do. I have no idea what he's telling them and I really didn't want to be drawn into any of this drama.

 

This is why it is a bad idea to get involved with people you work with. You don't need your coworkers gossiping about you. Also after he told you the first time he didn't want a relationship but a hook up I don't know why you contacted him for further verification.

[stillafool]

I know lots of people that married co-workers and

have great marriages.

 

There are two types of dating:

 

To get laid.

 

To date them because you see someone special and

feel the potential for them to become a spouse.

 

I see no problems when the intentions are honorable.

 

Yeah, well this may have been back in the good old days but now there's an entirely different atmosphere in getting involved with a coworker. Like lawsuits and job loss.

[mrs rubble]

Maybe he's been dating someone else and is afraid she will find out about you.

 

I think this might be the case too.