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What was more painful?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 30th October 2017, 9:01 PM   #1
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What was more painful?

For those who have been betrayed and cheated on, what was more painful, knowing that your significant other cheated on you, or knowing that he or she no longer loved you?
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Old 31st October 2017, 12:29 PM   #2
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For those who have been betrayed and cheated on, what was more painful, knowing that your significant other cheated on you, or knowing that he or she no longer loved you?
Depended on the time of day, ambient temperature, lat and long position, astrological position, and clothes I was wearing.

What I'm getting at, is that the destruction done by being cheated on causes such a roller coaster of emotions, that they all equal out in the end.

It's been a few years since it was done to me and if I think back what hurts the most is not the act or the lost love, it's the lost feeling I had of being able to fully trust another human being.
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Old 31st October 2017, 1:38 PM   #3
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For those who have been betrayed and cheated on, what was more painful, knowing that your significant other cheated on you, or knowing that he or she no longer loved you?

I was betrayed by my fiancee and my best friend since childhood. I caught them in my bed.

For me the most painful thing was that many people knew what was going on and could have spared me a lot of pain by informing me of what was going on.

My life would have been far different than it became.

In my reading here for almost 10 years, I have found that for the most part, regardless of gender, that it is the lies associated with the cheating that hurts most. Because while it is going on, most people are gaslighted...made to feel like they are crazy or paranoid, when in fact their gut is spot on the whole time. Frankly, that left the largest scar that 30 years hence, I've still never fully gotten past. As a result, I find it hard to take people at their word and it has pretty much affected every platonic and romantic relationship I've had ever since. I learned to not trust anyone but myself.

I learned to close myself off in order to prevent myself from getting my heart broken. I've never fully gotten past it. My inability to do so is a large reason why I am so unforgiving on cheaters when I provide advice to arrivals here.
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Old 31st October 2017, 3:27 PM   #4
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For those who have been betrayed and cheated on, what was more painful, knowing that your significant other cheated on you, or knowing that he or she no longer loved you?
It was the lies that did my head in. I just wanted her to admit the truth, but even when I proved they were in a hotel together she claimed they were just talking. Forcing me to play detective was painful.

I didn't care that she banged another man. I didn't care if she loved me or not. At that point I hated her guts and wanted out... I just needed proof so I could leave without my family getting upset.

Cheating is psychological abuse on the same level as physically beating a spouse!
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Old 31st October 2017, 3:33 PM   #5
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The most distressing part was being uncertain of my future.

I knew he still loved me, I know he still loves me (that was about 7 years ago - we are still very much together).

I know I am a weirdo, the cheating didn't bother me so much (it was a short term thing), again, it was what it meant for our future that worried me.
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Old 31st October 2017, 3:48 PM   #6
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The disrespect - by committing the infidelity in the first place, and by assuming I was oblivious when he lied directly to my face about it.
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Old 31st October 2017, 8:04 PM   #7
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I don't have experience in this realm but I'm pretty sure they can still 'love' you.

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Old 1st November 2017, 12:00 AM   #8
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I don't have experience in this realm but I'm pretty sure they can still 'love' you.
I can understand that to some degree.Cheaters are able to Compartmentalize their actions far better than most.

They can say "Well I wasn't going to leave my partner or Spouse, I just had some needs that were unfulfilled. It was all unintentional...it just happened..I didn't mean to hurt anyone, I love him/her."

What they usually fail to recognize is that all that cheating/lying/sneaking around/hookups, etc. That takes a LOT of work. So they fully intend to keep it compartmentalized by putting a LOT of thought into it.

The only thing that they did not have any intention of was most of the time their SO or spouse finding out ,unless it was an exit affair.
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Old 1st November 2017, 1:55 AM   #9
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The lies, the skepticism in trusting people and their actions or at least take them at face value.......yes.....all those ring true. I've also become more attuned to bs and lies. Never again will anyone pull the wool over my eyes by charming or faking their way to my heart.

For me, at least immediately after the breakup, it was the lies. Later on, I started wondering what part of the relationship was real and what part wasn't. I needed to know what parts where real and what parts weren't.

Now, when I think back, it was a good lesson; it taught me to never put up with red flags, it taught me to be more careful and vigilant. It also taught me to be more compassionate toward myself, more selfish, to tend to my needs first. At the same time, I feel it has robbed me of that beautiful feeling, that magic and anticipation one feels when they're in the first stages of courtship. The excitement is not the same. Perhaps I just haven't met the right person since then. Not that my ex was right for me.

So now, whenever I'm blindsided by memories of the breakup, I think of how I felt compared to the first few days when we first met. The contrast was saddening. Worse yet, I could no longer recognize that person. Who was she? So cold-hearted, so calculating, so secretive and deceitful, so resentful and contemptible all at the same time.

I didn't want any part of it. I wanted to be as far away as possible. I still mourned the happy memories and experiences we had, and what could have been. "If only she'd stayed the same," I kept telling myself.
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Old 1st November 2017, 10:43 AM   #10
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I don't have experience in this realm but I'm pretty sure they can still 'love' you.
Love is a choice Cookies. You have to wake up every morning, look at the man laying next to you and choose to love him. In the beginning that choice is always easy, but it gets harder over time.

You can have romantic feelings for two people simultaneously, but you can only choose one.
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Old 1st November 2017, 3:23 PM   #11
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For a lot of women (not all) can look past the infidelity if they are heavily invested. Not just emotionally, but financially, friends, family, children, futures. Just because one has cheated doesn't mean there is no more love. Sometimes it gets misplaced or clouded over. Some can work through it, and get past it, even build a stronger bond and improved relationship/marriage. There is hope and choice to stay together.

IMO being told they no longer love me would be most devastating thing. You loose everything and more. It's completely over.
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Old 1st November 2017, 4:13 PM   #12
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IMO being told they no longer love me would be most devastating thing. You loose everything and more. It's completely over.
I can understand that too, especially if you have invested really heavily into a relationship.

I know a familiar refrain here is that the Cheaters are broken people...it's them, not you..etc. I am guilty of saying it often here

Knowing that deep down never made me feel any better about what happened to me. I doubt whenever I have actually dispensed advice like that the person I was as trying to help took it as anything but patronizing. So I have attempted to stop the "glass half full" as I realize new arrivals are not ready to hear that.

For them the pain is so intense and there is no way they can come to terms without second guessing their entire relationship until they get some clarity from us. Even then it can be a crapshoot, as you well know.


So i am going back to "Burn The Witches" and I am going to jettison extenuating circumstances for awhile and see how that pans out with the Moderators
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Old 1st November 2017, 4:39 PM   #13
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IMO being told they no longer love me would be most devastating thing. You loose everything and more. It's completely over.
That was the hurtful part. It was as though she was an automaton with no feelings. Granted, she was a narcissist, so in hindsight itís not surprising. She always loved herself and even that is a stretch because she had so many insecurities. She was spiteful, too. I donít know if anyone like that can actually experience love or know what it means to love.
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Old 1st November 2017, 6:10 PM   #14
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For those who have been betrayed and cheated on, what was more painful, knowing that your significant other cheated on you, or knowing that he or she no longer loved you?
The fact that my now ex-H cheated on me with one of my closest friends was what was the most painful. She went to my wedding. I even watched her kids for her for years when she underwent a mental breakdown after having postnatal depression before they diagnosed her as bi-polar. One never expects their friend to actively be so sly & go behind your back pursuing the H. He turned out to be a weak man falling for her sob stories that she just needed someone to talk to about her bad marriage. While she purposely presented multiple sexual opportunities to him, using what she had learned from me about him over the years from me to manipulate him. But, at the end of the day the choice of whether or not he strayed was up to him. He could have said no, and he didn't.

If you're going to cheat, don't do it with someone who your other partner is close to, knows, & don't do it if it might have a workplace affect, either. My ex H did both. I did love him once, however after that, I lost all respect for him.
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Old 11th November 2017, 10:17 PM   #15
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Every cheater has the choice be with the other person "legitimately" instead of cheating. As soon as their feelings for you are no longer the same, they can break up, before they have become emotionally or physically involved with the other person.

But doing so comes with a heavy cost to them: they must give up the stable relationship (and endure the feelings of loss that follow a break up) without having the comfort of the other to sustain them.

So instead they pass that cost on to you, by living a double life and stringing you along. Eventually you find out, or they dump you, and what's easy for them (because they've had time to move on) is a nightmare for you because it came out of the blue.

It's a horrendous shock to realise that someone who previously claimed to care about you deeply, was able to do something so awful and callous.
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