LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Dating > Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

Should I tell?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

Like Tree38Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 18th October 2017, 5:49 PM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 7
Should I tell?

I cheated on the best thing that has ever happened to me, my boyfriend of 8 years. Despite my awful actions, I truly am in love with him. I am completely remorseful and do not know what to do. I cannot lose him, and we are planning to get engaged soon (within a year).

The story: I am a graduate student, in a rigorous 2 year program. I spend most of my time at school and with my classmates. It began slowly... months past of studying with my guy friend (who has a girlfriend) and we began to spend too much time together outside of school. First a kiss one night, another kiss a few weeks later....then sex. We have had sex about 5 times in the last 5 months. There is no relational component. It is mostly physical. Neither of us wanted to be together and knew it was stupid.

Now that the cheating has ended, I am torn on whether or not I should keep this from my boyfriend, or tell him before he buys a ring. I care about him more than myself, and truly want the best for him.

Other factors: I have 7 months left of school with the same guy, then I will likely never see him again. I still see the guy every day at school. My boyfriend knows exactly who the guy is, and the two of them have even hung out together in group settings.

Please feel free to speak your mind, bluntly. All criticism and advice is welcome.
Silver10 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th October 2017, 5:54 PM   #2
S2B
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3,324
So the "friendship" ended? If so, who ended it and why?


I have concerns - because you state that you love your soon to be fiancé dearly - but there is a serious disconnect between loving him and having sex with another man 5 (count then 5) times!

Yes, get honest about your ability to cheat while loving him - he deserves to know what your brand of "love" looks like - then he can make an informed decision about a future with you based on facts and honesty.
S2B is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th October 2017, 7:51 PM   #3
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 7
The "friendship" ending is not as clear as I would like. Due to the school schedule, there was a period of 9 weeks where we did not speak or see each other, and that is what ended it. We have been in school for a month now, and we no longer spend time together outside school. However, no clear boundary has been set.

Your concerns are my concerns as well. My actions do not reflect my words, and that is troubling to me. Also how is my soon to be fiancé supposed to believe that I love him, when this has happened? I am terrified to tell him. It will destroy him.

We are each others' first and only. Our families are friends, and everyone is expecting the engagement soon. We have been the "perfect couple" for so long. It is highly unsuspected that I would cheat.
Silver10 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th October 2017, 8:24 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 5,917
silver, the right thing to do is you must
confess to your BF.

If he wants to stay with you, you must
be prepared to change schools so you will
be able to guarantee no contact, NC, with
the OM.

If not possible to change schools then you
must take time off from the school till the
OM graduates so there is NC.

Mandatory IC so you learn how to have
boundaries and cheat no more.

Do marry this young man if you can not
tell him the truth.
road is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th October 2017, 8:35 PM   #5
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 7
I want to tell my BF, but don't know how or when.
I graduate in May-- and want to finish school. Nothing is ideal, but if it were, I would wait until May to tell, but fear the engagement will happen before then. The guilt is wearing on me.
Silver10 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th October 2017, 9:13 PM   #6
S2B
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3,324
Do you support yourself?

Do you live on your own?

I appreciate your candor.
S2B is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th October 2017, 10:14 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 71
You should tell him.

If your BF is worth his salt, he will leave you for good. (And he should, in my opinion.)

A one-time cheat is one matter, but cheating over the course of several months is another. You let the emotional cheating develop into physical/sexual cheating.

That's not love.
JEG88 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th October 2017, 10:20 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Depends on the day
Posts: 765
Quote:
Originally Posted by Silver10 View Post
I cheated on the best thing that has ever happened to me, my boyfriend of 8 years. Despite my awful actions, I truly am in love with him. I am completely remorseful and do not know what to do. I cannot lose him, and we are planning to get engaged soon (within a year).

The story: I am a graduate student, in a rigorous 2 year program. I spend most of my time at school and with my classmates. It began slowly... months past of studying with my guy friend (who has a girlfriend) and we began to spend too much time together outside of school. First a kiss one night, another kiss a few weeks later....then sex. We have had sex about 5 times in the last 5 months. There is no relational component. It is mostly physical. Neither of us wanted to be together and knew it was stupid.

Now that the cheating has ended, I am torn on whether or not I should keep this from my boyfriend, or tell him before he buys a ring. I care about him more than myself, and truly want the best for him.

Other factors: I have 7 months left of school with the same guy, then I will likely never see him again. I still see the guy every day at school. My boyfriend knows exactly who the guy is, and the two of them have even hung out together in group settings.

Please feel free to speak your mind, bluntly. All criticism and advice is welcome.
You had your bf hanging out with the guy you were cheating with?

Damn that’s cold.

I believe you should tell your bf. Give him a chance at least.
usa1ah is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th October 2017, 10:47 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Space Ritual's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Chicago
Posts: 2,379
Quote:
Originally Posted by Silver10 View Post
I truly am in love with him. I am completely remorseful and do not know what to do. I cannot lose him, and we are planning to get engaged soon (within a year).
No you don't love him and no you are not Remorseful.

It does not take a Graduate Level Course to know the difference between Remorse and regret. If you were remorseful you would throw all caution to the wind, Come to him with your admissions, take ownership at the outset. Offer to get to your Whys. And Most important of all, you would continue to work on yourself, regardless of whether or not your BF took you back. And you would be accepting of his decision without protest.

You thus far have none of that.

What you DO have, however after a 5 time E ticket experience with a Classmate/Bang Buddy is"

A Very mild case of regret

And a Terminal Case of Cover Your Ass

Your post demonstrates perfectly where you are. And that is in the Land of Looking Out for Number 1, no matter the cost.

The Test came back. You got an F.

Seriously just come clean with the poor kid, and do him a favor and allow him to be loved by someone who wont cheat on him 5 times and only then have a small pang of regret by releasing him to his Destiny....

Which probably won't be with you..

Blunt Enough?

Jesus Lady, I've seen some real winners come through these subforums, but having them hang out? A couple of other ones recently did the same thing. Like them,you are redlining on the Cruelty Gauge.

That's about as bad as it gets
__________________
The measure of a person is not based upon the words that they speak, but upon the choices that they make.
If they keep stabbing you in the back, then quit handing them the knife.
Space Ritual is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th October 2017, 10:51 PM   #10
Established Member
 
CautiouslyOptimistic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 1,870
Tell your boyfriend before he proposes (he deserves to know how committed to fidelity the love of his life is, so he can make the decision best for him).

Express honestly whatever remorse you do or do not feel.

Do not leave your academic program/school. That would be stupid.

Trust that whatever happens (whatever decision he makes and you make) is for the best and you WILL be ok no matter what.
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th October 2017, 11:05 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4,110
One of my biggest hang ups with my wife's affair was her saying "I've always loved you more than anything"...WELL, that isn't true. Nor is it true when you stated "I love him more than myself".

If it were true you would have little concern about how the truth would impact you, yet it's all you spoke about.

Keep in mind, confession isn't going to hurt him, you having a F-buddy is what's going to hurt him.

He deserves to know NOW. You have no right to unilaterally decide what kind of woman and relationship he is willing to have/be a part of.

On a more selfish note, don't you want a man who will be in love with you and not the watered down version of yourself you have been showing him?

Give him the choice he deserves to make his decision.

Life happens, and there will always be a reason not to tell....or I graduate, or we're getting married, or our child is due soon.
harrybrown and S2B like this.
DKT3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th October 2017, 11:36 PM   #12
S2B
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3,324
Tell him now!

I get the feeling you want to wait until you graduate because he may be supporting you - while you're in school.

There's not one single reason to wait even one more day!

He owes you nothing and you owe him your truth.

These are consequences to bad behavior - things change forever because you ruined the trust.


Get counseling to understand why you cheated when you had a good relationship. Work on yourself. This was no accident - you were purposeful and calculated in ruining what was good in your life. You can't undo this.

Also, the other mans girlfriend deserves to know as well.


And I agree with the others - love doesn't look like this, please stop saying you love him more than yourself - the evidence shows you don't. Nor do you respect or honor him - so at this point marriage should be completely off the table knowing your currently unable to know what love looks like and what being faithful should look like.

But first get completely honest - that's key.
S2B is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th October 2017, 12:02 AM   #13
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 7
Thank you for your honest responses. I greatly appreciate all of your words.

I have a lot to learn about love, and about myself. I feel immature, selfish, entitled, and disgusted. There are no excuses. He deserves to know. He deserves better. He deserves to decide his future.

If y'all knew my BF, you would really despise me. He is an angel. I needed the blunt responses. What I did is unacceptable.

I will no longer say I love him more than myself....that ship has sailed...I think what I was meaning is that I want to do whatever is best for him, at this point.

Next step is to arrange a time to tell him.
usa1ah likes this.
Silver10 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th October 2017, 12:12 AM   #14
S2B
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3,324
Quote:
Originally Posted by Silver10 View Post
Thank you for your honest responses. I greatly appreciate all of your words.

I have a lot to learn about love, and about myself. I feel immature, selfish, entitled, and disgusted. There are no excuses. He deserves to know. He deserves better. He deserves to decide his future.

If y'all knew my BF, you would really despise me. He is an angel. I needed the blunt responses. What I did is unacceptable.

I will no longer say I love him more than myself....that ship has sailed...I think what I was meaning is that I want to do whatever is best for him, at this point.

Next step is to arrange a time to tell him.
When will you see him next?
S2B is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th October 2017, 12:54 AM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by Silver10 View Post
Thank you for your honest responses. I greatly appreciate all of your words.

I have a lot to learn about love, and about myself. I feel immature, selfish, entitled, and disgusted. There are no excuses. He deserves to know. He deserves better. He deserves to decide his future.

If y'all knew my BF, you would really despise me. He is an angel. I needed the blunt responses. What I did is unacceptable.

I will no longer say I love him more than myself....that ship has sailed...I think what I was meaning is that I want to do whatever is best for him, at this point.

Next step is to arrange a time to tell him.
Good choice. You will come to see it is the right choice for you too. Not telling him could mean he proposes to you because of who he THINKS you are, not who you really are. Staying with him may sound like what you want right now, but truth is that it will sit heavy on your shoulders in the years to come to realize that he only loves a false idea of you, and doesn't truly know who you have been to him. You will never feel truly loved by him unless you give him the chance to truthfully see who you are, and let him decide that that is what he wants. Five times is not a mistake in judgment...its purposeful.

There are lots of threads in the marriage and infidelity section to show you that it ALWAYS comes out at some point, and now is a good time to ensure you both don't waste years and years of your life living in a lie.
S2B and Silver10 like this.
BMI03 is offline   Reply With Quote
 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 4:02 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.