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# of Partners - ONS vs Dating/Relationships


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 17th October 2017, 12:45 PM   #1
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# of Partners - ONS vs Dating/Relationships

I know you can't change the past but do others struggle with partner's sexual past? Does it matter to you if they are ONS vs dating vs serious relationship?


My gf (age 43) and I played a drunken game of "I never" which ultimately led to questions about one night stands. Playing this game she told me she only had 1 ONS but a few months ago she told me 2 and also her total partners were 6. Of course my head starts going into over drive that she is not being honest with me and who know what the actual number is. I guess I should be happy she didn't give me a higher number when she was drunk.


It turns out, that her only ONS was actually a two night stand with a guy in Colorado on a ski weekend. Some background, we dated in college 20+ years ago and after we broke up she kind threw some of her exploits in my face. I remember her going on this trip 20 years ago bc she called me for a ride to the airport. I didn't know she had sex out there tho.


So the past few days my mind is going nuts with all sorts of images of her at a ski lodge having sex all weekend. Then starting thinking if her total number is 6 and I know of 5 based on the happenings of 20 years ago and her ex H being one, then who was the missing guy?


So I had her explain again and it turns out she had dated a guy briefly that I didn't know about. It actually made me feel better that I knew more info rather than my mind wonder.


Do others feel that way too or the less you know the better?


She asked me about my ONSs and said they didn't bother her but my relationship with my ex W does because the ONSs didn't mean anything to me. I thought that was interesting bc I am the opposite. I don't get in my head about her husband but I do about her ONS and the guy she only dated a few times.
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Old 17th October 2017, 1:13 PM   #2
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I'm in the ignorance is bliss category. Somethings you just can't un-know.


I also think timing is a factor. I'm a middle aged woman. If somebody is going to judge me now for some drunken escapade I had in college when I was a teenager, they are using an inaccurate yardstick & I wouldn't want such a person in my life anyway. By all means evaluate my character on the person I am now. The temporal proximity makes the analysis more relevant.
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Old 17th October 2017, 1:56 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wookin Pa Nub View Post
I know you can't change the past but do others struggle with partner's sexual past? Does it matter to you if they are ONS vs dating vs serious relationship?


My gf (age 43) and I played a drunken game of "I never" which ultimately led to questions about one night stands. Playing this game she told me she only had 1 ONS but a few months ago she told me 2 and also her total partners were 6. Of course my head starts going into over drive that she is not being honest with me and who know what the actual number is. I guess I should be happy she didn't give me a higher number when she was drunk.


It turns out, that her only ONS was actually a two night stand with a guy in Colorado on a ski weekend. Some background, we dated in college 20+ years ago and after we broke up she kind threw some of her exploits in my face. I remember her going on this trip 20 years ago bc she called me for a ride to the airport. I didn't know she had sex out there tho.


So the past few days my mind is going nuts with all sorts of images of her at a ski lodge having sex all weekend. Then starting thinking if her total number is 6 and I know of 5 based on the happenings of 20 years ago and her ex H being one, then who was the missing guy?


So I had her explain again and it turns out she had dated a guy briefly that I didn't know about. It actually made me feel better that I knew more info rather than my mind wonder.


Do others feel that way too or the less you know the better?


She asked me about my ONSs and said they didn't bother her but my relationship with my ex W does because the ONSs didn't mean anything to me. I thought that was interesting bc I am the opposite. I don't get in my head about her husband but I do about her ONS and the guy she only dated a few times.

Wookin, Damnit!

Is this the same girlfriend who was going to be travelling to Italy under the guise of unwittingly being a Wingman at the Good Old Seaside Villa?

You should have left her in the dust already, dude. Now you are writing in with another conundrum after playing drunken game of Questions.

Why are you setting yourself up for failure with these drunken games?

Come the hell on, Wookin


This is the stuff that Middle School kids do when they get a hold of their parents Liquor Cabinet Keys on a Summer Evening and then commence to finger banging girls in the basement while their parents are upstairs watching The Gong Show.....

OOPS, wait a second that was me in 1976... TMI...My bad!

At any rate, please end this relationship. I don't think in this case it has anything to do with your Girlfriend. I think this is hangover from the whole Italy farce. You have become like a horse who is spooked at the sound of a car backfiring on the road.

Anything this woman is going to utter will bring about a Congressional Level line of questioning about her past and her current motives.

You need to dial all this stuff back a notch or you are going to wind up alone and bitter. This is the stuff that is best tacked in Individual Counseling.

Incidentally, I still see a few of those girls that I finger banged all those decades ago around the neighborhood. They are married, or divorced, and more than one of them are early into grandmother-hood.

Yet my first thought when I see them is messing around with them all those years ago...before age and gravity set in...lol.

I digress...But totally get out of this relationship before you destroy it further of your own accord
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Last edited by Space Ritual; 17th October 2017 at 1:59 PM..
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Old 17th October 2017, 2:02 PM   #4
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I have never I wasted any energy on how many or what people my partner has slept with.

It honestly doesn't really cross my mind, it's not something I wonder about. I don't picture him with other people from his past, I don't feel jealous or insecure about it. I really don't care.

The only reason I know his "number" is that early on he asked mine, and I was truthful in my response, and added, "and you?"

Before me? I kinda feel like it's not my business beyond safe sex practices and STI status.
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Old 17th October 2017, 2:14 PM   #5
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Good Memory Space Ritual.


Wookin Pa Nub -- you either trust this woman or you don't. College was a long time ago.


FWIW I agree with your GF I'm much more worried about a past LTR with emotional connections, then some fleeting ONS my partner probably can't find again. Although the ONS probably comes with greater health concerns.
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Old 17th October 2017, 2:30 PM   #6
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Space - it is the same girl. She is actually a super special girl. I have no doubts she is 100% committed to me.


I guess normally past partners is just part of life. I think out situation is a little different. We were madly in love with each other. I ended up hurting her 20+ years ago as stupid college and then she subsequently threw her exploits in my face. That was emotionally devastating to me. So I was more concerned about her partners since most were the two years after me before she met her H (now ex).


Now all these years later, we are learning to forgive and forget. Forgiveness is an incredible thing. We have found something special again.
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Old 17th October 2017, 2:53 PM   #7
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We really don't care about past partners or what kind of partners they were. We have talked about it, and told each other the basic info, though, out of curiosity - no judgment. All that matters is that we're good partners for each other in so many ways.
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Last edited by central; 17th October 2017 at 2:55 PM..
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Old 17th October 2017, 3:02 PM   #8
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My husband, by his own admittance, had seen loads of woman before we got together - me, on the other hand, had only had one other.

This does not - and never did - bother me in the slightest, and I did not see the need to question him about his previous "conquests" at all.

Everyone has a history.

I don't see the point in overthinking past dalliances.

Just my opinion!!
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Old 17th October 2017, 3:19 PM   #9
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I think out situation is a little different.
Which is why you keep finding yourself in needless drama. The only thing Different is that your ages should make this relationship "Drama Prohibitive".

Sadly for you , the relationship is doing the exact opposite and you are just exacerbating needless drama.

You need to get out of this relationship, dude.

Between her insane idea of Italy being a good thing and you being jealous of her past at 43 years old...Man open your eyes. This is going NOWHERE.

Bail on it before you drive yourself into a funk that will only be cured with a Day of Rage.
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Old 17th October 2017, 3:38 PM   #10
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Space - it is the same girl. She is actually a super special girl. I have no doubts she is 100% committed to me.
I guess normally past partners is just part of life. I think out situation is a little different. We were madly in love with each other. I ended up hurting her 20+ years ago as stupid college and then she subsequently threw her exploits in my face. That was emotionally devastating to me. So I was more concerned about her partners since most were the two years after me before she met her H (now ex).

Now all these years later, we are learning to forgive and forget. Forgiveness is an incredible thing. We have found something special again.


I read that previous thread. Self Delusion is a powerful thing.
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Old 20th October 2017, 12:29 PM   #11
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Space - it is the same girl. She is actually a super special girl. I have no doubts she is 100% committed to me.
No offense, but bullcrap.

Your last two threads reek of massive insecurity regarding her. That is coming from the pit of your stomach, and it is screaming you have doubts on her commitment to you. Rightly so. The Italy trip was the tip of the iceberg with her. As time goes on, more flags are going to fly and the insecurity you have regarding her commitment will not be something you can bury.

Walk now, or walk later and experience twice the pain. She's not the one for you...
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Old 20th October 2017, 5:44 PM   #12
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i don't mind hearing a few stories, but i don't really give a rats butt about peoples numbers. To me it's meaning less.
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Old 20th October 2017, 9:43 PM   #13
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That stuff is like knowing the date you will die. It is useless information that will only cause you pain and consternation.

First, we imagine all sorts of things and circumstances that just donít happen.

Second, they are with you now. If they took on 27 people in one night would that change the here and now?

Finally, I am often reminded of an axiom that I find useful:

One can act themselves into right thinking much faster than they can think themselves into right acting.
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Old 21st October 2017, 10:27 AM   #14
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The past doesn't bother me. I don't understand jealousy about an Ex wife either. You were meant to love your wife and have an emotional connection with her.

You do seem awfully insecure and jealous in this relationship though.
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Last edited by sandylee1; 21st October 2017 at 10:35 AM.. Reason: Typo
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Old 21st October 2017, 3:01 PM   #15
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Indeed. You seem to have some significant trust issues with this woman.

I could care less about what happened in the past. The only reason I need to know about "numbers" is to be sure that we are safe. That's all.
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