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Bf met a woman in a hotel room behind my back


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 24th October 2017, 9:02 AM   #16
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They met up in a hotel room as "friends"?? What did they do there? Play Scrabble?
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Old 29th October 2017, 5:35 PM   #17
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Have you spent anytime learning what it takes to have a healthy marriage or relationship? Relationships are difficult, even when both people love each other sacrificially, want the best for each other, and treat each other with respect. This does not sound like "love" to me. Love requires a person to look out for their partner and to engage in actions that are loving. Have you asked yourself, why you are attracted to someone who treats you so poorly and who you are not able to completely trust and have a peaceful, loving relationship with? There is nothing wrong with you, if this man, is not loving and faithful, but there could be something going within you to not want something or someone better for yourself. Take some time to reflect on what type or relationship you want and if he is not able to be that person, perhaps it is time to let go. A great book that you may want to read is called, Boundaries in Dating.
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Old 29th October 2017, 6:30 PM   #18
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PO posted and dashed.....
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Old 29th October 2017, 7:04 PM   #19
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A couple of days ago I received a message from an unknown number from a guy claiming that my bf and his gf had met up and had sex. I got a message from her a couple of days later saying sorry and that she and my bf had sex.
Sounds like her boyfriend either made her send that or he broke into her email account and sent that himself. If she calls you and says the same thing, then you'll know.

Unfortunately, the only way you're going to get anywhere near the truth in all of this is to have everyone in the same room to hash it out.

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He created a fake email account to message her. He was away for work to another city when they planned to meet up. Reading from the messages he was asking her to stay the night with him in the hotel room and how they had such a 'special connection' with each other. It sickens me because he was messaging me saying "good night I love you" but he was actually with her. How can he be so detached?
He is able to compartmentalize his actions. People are capable of doing many things when they set their minds to a task.

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I confronted him and he became all defensive and initially tried to put the blame on him (I was so angry I sent out an fb blast about him) and that his reputation was tarnished now. I asked why, what was going on? Did they have sex? He claims they didn't. That they just met up as 'friends' because they didn't see each other for 2 years. He claims she left with the last train and didn't stay overnight.
Yeah, that's possible, but it's more than likely not probable, considering his email trail.

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I told him why he would do this behind my back and his response was simply "it was exciting, it was forbidden".
What type of child was he?

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He swears he loves me and wants to marry me and we live together so we already have roots together so I don't understand why he would do what he did. In his messages with her he says multiple times that he is taking a risk meeting up with her because if I found out I would break up with him.
I'm curious as to what her reply to that was. It would put his "nothing happened/she took the last train home" to the lie.

Bottom line: he did it because he wanted to do it. You didn't figure into any aspect of that equation because this had nothing to do with you. Cheating is probably the second most selfish thing a person can do to another (suicide is the first). He wasn't thinking about you and the risk of losing you when he put this premeditated plan into motion: he was thinking about himself and having his way.

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He spent the weekend crying saying he never thought I would find out and that he never thought that we would actually ever break up. I feel as if he thinks that he is safe because he did this with another woman before and I forgave him and gave him a second chance
.

Take it from me (because this exact same thing happened to me): unless he's gone through some intensive therapy after this breach of trust, he figures there are no real consequences to pay because yeah, you'll be angry for a while and you'll blast and stomp, but in the end, you'll calm down and take him back. He'll be on good behavior until you begin to relax back into a stupor, figure out how to avoid the pitfalls that got him all caught up the first time and go back to doing what he's been doing BECAUSE THAT'S WHO HE IS. That's what he does. No matter how many chances you give him, if he hasn't done a serious paradigm shift, it's just a matter of time before this comes up again.

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He said the whole thing was a game to him and that he never expected to stay much in contact with her but his emails says otherwise.
That's that stupor I was talking about. He's telling you what he thinks you need to hear.

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They talk about sex, meeting up behind each other partner's back, how a relationship would be if they were together, maybe it was possible in the future... and the girl made it sound like they met up for a reason. That is must of been destiny. They have known each other for 3 years but only met up with each other twice in that entire time and had sex the second time they met.
Destiny happens when you don't premeditate it. Otherwise, it's called planning.

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I don't understand why he would throw away our entire future for someone he barely knows in real life. When he came home he acted as if nothing happened. I can't understand how he can be so detached and so selfish. How can he hurt me so much? How can he talk to her and say lewd things knowing she has a boyfriend?
Because that's who he is. You've been down this road before with him. Nothing about him changed between the first time he did this to this time 'round. No therapy whatsoever.

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He wants to try again and says that I am the love of his life and that he now realises the consequences but I feel like it's too late. Why didn't he realises the consequences before?
because you don't apply stern consequences to him--like breaking up with him.

So the last time he did this, he didn't realize the consequences then? No part of his brain engaged and told him "hey man, not a good look. Leave the side kitty alone". His brain said "exciting, forbidden" and he went for it. How many times does he have to do this for him to realize consequences? What form does it need to be for him to understand it?

A man who truly loves you would move heaven and earth to not betray you and decimate you over some side piece he barely knows. Seems he would be investing all of that energy he seems to have into making your relationship with him spicy and hot, not placing that investment elsewhere.


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What type of man who claims to love me would do this?
One who puts his own desires before you and your relationship and has no problem lying in your face to do it and who does not take you or your relationship very seriously.

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I guess I am very confused. I love him so much but I can't ever trust him again. I keep thinking what went through his mind? Why did he contact her? Why did he create a secret account? What was there to gain? Is he not happy with me?
The short answer: because he wanted to. If he didn't, he wouldn't have done it.

Oh, he's probably quite happy with you and he probably loves you in some weird, convoluted way, but in order for you to love him, you're going to have to put up with infidelity and lying because THAT'S WHO HE IS. That's the price you must pay to remain with him.

He brings you the pain you understand as love. It may be time for you to redefine what love means to you before he brings home something that you can never get rid of.

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Can anyone give any insight?
Look up Esther Perel on youtube and Audible podcasts. She specializes in infidelity. She answers a lot of questions you're posing.
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Old 29th October 2017, 7:05 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by smackie9 View Post
PO posted and dashed.....

Sometimes they don't want to hear what they need to hear.
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Old 30th October 2017, 1:54 PM   #21
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Can anyone give any insight?

Thanks for reading my long post.
I can.

Get rid of him. He is a liar and a cheater. In my perfect world, Cheaters would be strung up by the heels after being put through forced labor shining wooden shoes with their tongues, but that's just me.

In lieu of any extremes, please refuse to accept such treatment ad make this jerk a thing of your past.
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Old 30th October 2017, 1:56 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by kendahke View Post
Sometimes they don't want to hear what they need to hear.
You can say that again...

There should just be a subforum on LS called "You guys were right the whole time".
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Old 30th October 2017, 9:48 PM   #23
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I can guarantee you, if you forgive him AGAIN and give him another chance, it's going to get worse.

One day, sometime in the future, you're going to find yourself with a couple of children and a habitual cheater.

Can you live with that?

You need to do yourself a big favor and leave him. Dump him and move on.

He is NOT going to change.

That's only the half of it.

The other half is your mental health, you're always going to be wondering whether he is doing something behind your back, you are always going to be suspecting him as you waste time and energy. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Last edited by Logo; 30th October 2017 at 9:53 PM..
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