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Bf met a woman in a hotel room behind my back


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 15th October 2017, 9:24 AM   #1
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Bf met a woman in a hotel room behind my back

A couple of days ago I received a message from an unknown number from a guy claiming that my bf and his gf had met up and had sex. He sent me all their emails from each other talking graphically about having sex with each other and how it was a pity that they were both in a relationship but wanted to meet each other. This woman was involved with my bf years ago and I had asked him to stop contact with her. He did but apparently he just created a fake email account to message her. He was away for work to another city when they planned to meet up. Reading from the messages he was asking her to stay the night with him in the hotel room and how they had such a 'special connection' with each other. It sickens me because he was messaging me saying "good night I love you" but he was actually with her. How can he be so detached?

I got a message from her a couple of days later saying sorry and that she and my bf had sex. I confronted him and he became all defensive and initially tried to put the blame on him (I was so angry I sent out an fb blast about him) and that his reputation was tarnished now. I asked why, what was going on? Did they have sex? He claims they didn't. That they just met up as 'friends' because they didn't see each other for 2 years. He claims she left with the last train and didn't stay overnight. I told him why he would do this behind my back and his response was simply "it was exciting, it was forbidden". He swears he loves me and wants to marry me and we live together so we already have roots together so I don't understand why he would do what he did. In his messages with her he says multiple times that he is taking a risk meeting up with her because if I found out I would break up with him. He spent the weekend crying saying he never thought I would find out and that he never thought that we would actually ever break up. I feel as if he thinks that he is safe because he did this with another woman before and I forgave him and gave him a second chance. He said the whole thing was a game to him and that he never expected to stay much in contact with her but his emails says otherwise. They talk about sex, meeting up behind each other partner's back, how a relationship would be if they were together, maybe it was possible in the future... and the girl made it sound like they met up for a reason. That is must of been destiny. They have known each other for 3 years but only met up with each other twice in that entire time and had sex the second time they met. I don't understand why he would throw away our entire future for someone he barely knows in real life. When he came home he acted as if nothing happened. I can't understand how he can be so detached and so selfish. How can he hurt me so much? How can he talk to her and say lewd things knowing she has a boyfriend?

He wants to try again and says that I am the love of his life and that he now realises the consequences but I feel like it's too late. Why didn't he realises the consequences before? What type of man who claims to love me would do this? I guess I am very confused. I love him so much but I can't ever trust him again. I keep thinking what went through his mind? Why did he contact her? Why did he create a secret account? What was there to gain? Is he not happy with me?

Can anyone give any insight?

Thanks for reading my long post.
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Old 15th October 2017, 9:30 AM   #2
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What he wants is irrelevant You need to figure out if you want to stay with a cheater / liar and if so why?

His cheating wasn't some drunken it just happened . . . not that that would be any valid excuse. This was planned & elaborate. He thought this through & would probably still be doing it (her) if her BF hadn't blown the whistle. He knew it was wrong and he did it anyway.

Stay at your own peril
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Old 15th October 2017, 9:31 AM   #3
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He's not sorry because he did this, he is sorry because he got caught.

He has proven that he is deceptive and he is a serial cheat. Relationships are built on trust and fidelity is non-negotiable for me. He wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore...

Last edited by BaileyB; 15th October 2017 at 9:59 AM..
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Old 15th October 2017, 11:17 AM   #4
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Yeah, it was clearly premeditated and he clearly thinks if he cries enough you'll eventually forgive him (and he can go hunt for more girls).

It's not that he's not happy with you. He enjoys being with you. It's just that he enjoys the thrill of doing secret, forbidden things with lots of girls. He's not willing to stop "having fun" to be with you.

Even now when you've caught him red-handed he's still desperately trying to lie his way out of it. He's not capable of being honest. He can't admit to you what he's really done. He doesn't respect you. He thinks it's better to fob you off with a lie so you'll calm down.

He doesn't want to throw away what he has with you just to be with her. He's only telling her that so she'll sleep with him. He doesn't respect either of you enough to be truthful. He just wants to have fun.
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Old 15th October 2017, 12:48 PM   #5
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He did it before and there were no real consequences. Now that you know, he lies about it. Right now, his whys don't matter. is this really how you want to live the rest of your life.
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Old 15th October 2017, 3:03 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedreader View Post

In his messages with her he says multiple times that he is taking a risk meeting up with her because if I found out I would break up with him.

Please, make it so. That is the right thing to do, for you. Staying together with this sneaky lying cheating horse's rear end is only going to make you miserable and frustrated from now on.

Do yourself a favour and put him out with the trash, the trash that he cheated with.
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Old 15th October 2017, 3:15 PM   #7
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I already knew what my response would be reading the title. I did end up reading the OP for completeness but it didn't change my mind at all.

RUN OP RUN!
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Old 15th October 2017, 3:21 PM   #8
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He's a cheater and a liar. I hope you don't think this is the end to his cheating. That girl has no reason to lie to you. Of course they had sex. What are you going to do?
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Old 15th October 2017, 3:55 PM   #9
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If you stay with him, prepare yourself to be cheated on forever.

You'll be telling him it's acceptable and marrying someone that's already demonstrated his inability to be faithful, would be senseless, risky and crazy IMO.

Don't marry him. If you don't leave now .. he'll know you won't leave after marriage if he cheats.

Proceed at your own risk.
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Old 15th October 2017, 4:11 PM   #10
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He knew what he was doing, he had every intention of having sex with her and would have continued if he didn't get caught, plain and simple.

What to do is pretty straight forward. He needs to go.
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Old 15th October 2017, 4:13 PM   #11
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It was exciting and you are not?

I wouldn't buy any of his exuses. It's all rubbish.

I feel if you stay you will be buying a lifetime of heartache.

Poppy.
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Old 15th October 2017, 4:17 PM   #12
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Really sorry about what's happened. The only shine I see lining this sad tale is that you were informed. That doesn't happen very often, getting a random message about a partner's activities. Praise the universe you know just who he really is and act accordingly. It may seem overwhelming at present to move on, but you will probably look back and thank your lucky stars you did not marry this "man".
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Old 23rd October 2017, 7:09 PM   #13
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kick him out, once a cheater always a cheater.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 8:06 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedreader View Post
What type of man who claims to love me would do this? I guess I am very confused. I love him so much but I can't ever trust him again. I keep thinking what went through his mind? Why did he contact her? Why did he create a secret account? What was there to gain? Is he not happy with me?

Can anyone give any insight?
His behavior is no reflection on you. It's a reflection on him, and how he relates to you and all women. I'm sure he is happy with you. He just hasn't grown beyond a little boy and his relationship with his mother, whom he loves and adores but that doesn't stop him from climbing up on that counter when she's out of the room and sticking his hand into the cookie jar. He KNOWS even if she catches him and gets mad at him and punishes him, she will still be there and still love him. He can count on her love. And if she DOESN'T catch him, well that's a win-win! Nobody gets hurt... He gets to enjoy the delicious forbidden cookie... and Mom continues to regard him as the greatest little guy in the world. The more he keeps sneaking cookies, the better he gets at hiding it.

He hasn't evolved beyond that.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 9:01 PM   #15
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Are you actually thinking about justifying?

You're looking for an answer that'll put you right back in his line of sight, which every single sane individual will not give you. But since its hard to see it because you're emotionally attached to this person, at least compromise with yourself, your conscience that's tell you to leave him, and your heart that's begging you to go back... give yourself some space, about a month and re-read what you posted here every day, talk with your family and people you'd consider a support system, if not, seek professional help. A therapist will give you insight as to why you're allowing this behavior and your significant other to walk all over you.

Wishing you less pain and more peace.
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