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Should I be concerned about partners behavior


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We have been hanging round with another couple for about a year now. My boyfriend is a very outgoing, flirtatious person naturally but something has been bothering me. Our two friends, Michelle and Danny, well Danny does not have a mobile so whenever we arrange to go out it is usually arranged between either myself and Michelle or my boyfriend Sam and Michelle. Well I am pretty sure my boyfriend is attracted to Michelle; he is always being touchy-feely with her and flirty but then he is like that with many people. However, I recently found some messages which I have found disturbing and I don’t know if I have the right to be concerned about it or I am just being paranoid.

 

So the other day there was a message on Sam’s phone from Michelle. He had sent Michelle a text saying he was planning on going out on Saturday in the local town to a restaurant. She replied back asking if two oldies were invited (meaning her and her boyfriend Danny) to which my boyfriend Sam replied “you mean Lottie (me) and Danny?” and she said “hahahaha yes ;-P” and he replied “if we have to”. Then some other conversation and she said “so who is going out?” and he replied “not sure at the moment just finding out who fancies it, so at the moment just me and you” and she replied “sounds good to me ” and he replied “you mean you would be happy if it was you and me?” and she replied “hahaha you will get me in trouble!! Of course I would be happy if it was me and you, but also Lottie and Danny” and he replied “I was going to say Lottie and Danny would not be happy”.

 

He has asked me about going out on Saturday with Michelle and Danny but I have not confirmed either way. I am just a little bit jealous of their recent text exchange. He doesn’t know I have seen the texts. What do I do? Do I have the right to be suspicious of them? I have noticed that when they are sat side by side their arms are always touching. He also takes lots of pictures of her when we are all out but he also takes them of other people too, so not sure if this means anything.

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Your feelings are your feelings. You have the right to feel anyway you like.

 

If this was an isolated event, I'd caution you to simmer down. Unfortunately it seems like it's on-going & escalating.

 

I would tell Sam that you saw the messages & admit they hurt your feelings. Don't yell. Don't accuse. Just ask him to explain. If he apologizes & dials it back assume it was nothing. If he turns it around on you or gets angry, know you are headed for trouble. Since you are friendly with Michelle, I would also speak to her privately.

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Hmm.. I don't know how to handle this kind of issue. My honest answer would be to break up with him. But I guess this is my "conflict avoidance" trait that is shouting.

 

I don't need my partner for him to be so "into me!" always, but there is a reason why friendly and flirtatious are two different words.

 

1.) You've read his messages -> Do you always do this? I mean, technically it's his privacy. So if you are open to each other like you can read messages of each other then by all means, you can confront him nicely about it.

 

2.)It seems to me that the girl is not that flirtatious to your boyfriend. But I guess what really bothers me is the "if we have to" comment. If he is really a loyal, and proper boyfriend, this will not be his response.

 

For me, your boyfriend is testing the waters already. The girl (at least by this exchange) seems like avoiding the advances without hurting your boyfriend's feelings OR also, she seems to know what your BF is up to so but she doesn't want to assume so she's answering the texts properly for me.

 

Conclusion: Your BF wants something to happen and is in the starting stage.

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That's a pretty clear fishing message on your boyfriend's part.

 

Sorry OP, but I think your boyfriend likes this girl and would have gone out alone with her had she not introduced a boundary.

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Thanks for the replies. My gut instinct is to go mad at him but another part of me wants to watch and wait to see what happens. I love him so this is gonna be hard. He is a very outgoing and flirtatious guy so I just presumed that is what this was. He did make a comment that she "is the female version of me" which was like a kick to the stomach!!

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Probably not. My wife and I and any girlfriend I had before her, except for one, never set up anything with guys. If they wanted to set up something, they talked to the guy's girlfriend, not the guy. Men are always open to sex with women, married, in a relationship or not. Sometimes friendship turns to love as it did to my ex fiancé who cheated on me with my friend. They got very friendly and the first time I was gone for a few weeks, they got too friendly. My wife sets up all of our social events with women, not their husbands. In my circle it is considered bad form to call up or chat with someone's spouse of the opposite gender. I think you should at least mention that it does not make you feel secure when he is too friendly with other women.

 

If I was you, I would go on the date and casually ask questions about who set it up and see what he says. If he lies, you do have something to worry about.

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TBH all I see is silly banter between friends. There is nothing sexual in those messages. Nothing about how they are secretly touching each other under the table, or how he can get out of the house and see her without being detected, nothing suspect of the sort. You can't possibly think they are being serious. They are just joking around.

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That's a pretty clear fishing message on your boyfriend's part.
This post is spot on. He was clearly fishing to see if she would go out with him alone. When fishing they do not know if the other person will be interested, so they hide it as joking so that they will not get in trouble if the other person is not interested. This fishing was even baited with a put down of his girlfriend (the OP) and the other woman's boyfriend, to see if she would take the bait; again disguised as joking in case she was not interested. He could not have pushed further without undeniably admitting to her that he was interested in seeing her alone.
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TBH all I see is silly banter between friends. There is nothing sexual in those messages. Nothing about how they are secretly touching each other under the table, or how he can get out of the house and see her without being detected, nothing suspect of the sort. You can't possibly think they are being serious. They are just joking around.
I think that you are way off base in saying that just because there is "nothing sexual in those messages", and that they are not outright planning how to see each other "without being detected", that there is nothing "suspect". He was clearly fishing. What you are describing is what happens only after the fishing worked, and the only reason that it did not work was she was not interested.
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YOU say they are your friends but are they really your friends or his?

 

How did you meet them?

 

Danny and I have known each other years; we grew up in the same neighbourhood. We have never really hung out together until I met Sam and Danny met Michelle at the same time period; my partner and Danny's partner were the outsiders to begin with because Danny and I had grew up in the same area. Somehow it was suggested we meet up one time and it has ended up being a regular occurrence.

 

I have always seen Sam looking Michelle up and down like he finds her attractive - that doesn't bother me, I'm not the jealous kind, I can cope with that. But it seems to be getting more? Just judging the text messages I have found and also if we go anywhere it's always "shall we invite Danny and Michelle" which is getting old.

 

So what do I do now? I hate confrontations as well and don't want to make it awkward when we go out. Perhaps I could engineer avoidance of them for a long time to get some space in my mind and see what Sam does without her around

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This post is spot on. He was clearly fishing to see if she would go out with him alone. When fishing they do not know if the other person will be interested, so they hide it as joking so that they will not get in trouble if the other person is not interested. This fishing was even baited with a put down of his girlfriend (the OP) and the other woman's boyfriend, to see if she would take the bait; again disguised as joking in case she was not interested. He could not have pushed further without undeniably admitting to her that he was interested in seeing her alone.

 

Yes, I agree.

This is not innocent stuff.

The problem here is your bf I am sorry to say, who was trying to arrange a "date" with your friend Danny's gf.

Not only disrespecting you, but disrespecting Danny too, whatever happened to the "bro code"?

He is an opportunist.

Michelle to her credit did a sterling job of fending him off.

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This was an inappropriate conversation on both

of their parts.

 

That your BF and his friend met her at the same

time and your BF lost out combined with the

way he looks at her is a bad sign.

 

Checking out women that one does not know

is different. He knows her.

 

I would quietly dump him.

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I would quietly dump him.

 

THIS.

 

I am the type of person who checks my partner's feelings first rather than mine. If I know that my partner is already acting weird, regardless of how little it is, I am on high alert.

 

I never "brush anything off." A lot of BS here found themselves in their situation because they thought that their WS's weirdness was "just nothing"

 

There is NO nothing.

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So what do I do now? I hate confrontations as well and don't want to make it awkward when we go out. Perhaps I could engineer avoidance of them for a long time to get some space in my mind and see what Sam does without her around

 

Even this isn't going to kill his attraction for her. He may just come out and ask her to lunch or something if he knows you guys no longer see each other. The one you need to get rid of is him.

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Ok on further snooping it seems she ain't so innocent!! I managed to take a look at his Facebook messages last night and before that text message exchange that I told you about, she had just randomly sent my boyfriend a GIF of a banana that is unzipping it's peel like it's doing a strip teese. I mean really?? Why would you send that?? He'd replied "very appealing"

So she is the instigator now as far as I'm concerned ???

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Ok on further snooping it seems she ain't so innocent!! I managed to take a look at his Facebook messages last night and before that text message exchange that I told you about, she had just randomly sent my boyfriend a GIF of a banana that is unzipping it's peel like it's doing a strip teese. I mean really?? Why would you send that?? He'd replied "very appealing"

So she is the instigator now as far as I'm concerned ???

 

OK but do not get too hung up on her, he is as much to blame here.

I am not excusing her, only you are not dating HER, you are dating HIM so try not to forget he was the one trying to set up a one to one date with her.

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My boyfriend is a very outgoing, flirtatious person naturally but something has been bothering me.

Six subtle personality traits which mean your partner is likely to cheat on you | The Independent

 

1. Flirtatiousness

 

It makes sense that someone who once enjoyed flirting might not like the fact that they’re expected not to do so when in a monogamous relationship.

A lot of cheaters flirt with everyone, even when they’re with their partners.

They get a rush out of the exchange, and according to the experts, “this need for validation and feeling desired can eventually lead them to cheat on you.”

Being friendly and charming is one thing, but flirting is another,

so watch out.

"When People Show You Who They Are, Believe Them."

He has shown you who he is.

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This was an inappropriate conversation on both

of their parts.

 

That your BF and his friend met her at the same

time and your BF lost out combined with the

way he looks at her is a bad sign.

 

Checking out women that one does not know

is different. He knows her.

 

I would quietly dump him.

 

Change my advice:

 

Tell that girl's boyfriend about all the flirting

and then dump your BF.

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Don't feel bad about snooping....

 

Had you not followed your gut instinct you may still be in the dark.

 

You are no longer in the dark. But remember that you are not dating her, you are dating him.So while her Banana GIF is tasteless, she is really not the problem.

 

Your boyfriend is.

 

Time to solve your problem by walking.

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By pass your BF and go right to Michelle with your concern about the conversations they been having and that it makes you uncomfortable. Set a boundary with her. Tell her to not respond or for her to say she talked to you already or cut the convo short with "I'm busy".

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By pass your BF and go right to Michelle with your concern about the conversations they been having and that it makes you uncomfortable. Set a boundary with her. Tell her to not respond or for her to say she talked to you already or cut the convo short with "I'm busy".

 

The issue is more between OP and her bf.

 

OP, from what you've written, he seems quite smitten with Michelle.

Especially with that "she's the female version of me" comment.

That is often what people want in a partner.

 

That said, if it wasn't Michelle, he'd likely do this with another girl.

In my experience, the flirty guys have always been the one's who cheat.

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By pass your BF and go right to Michelle with your concern about the conversations they been having and that it makes you uncomfortable. Set a boundary with her. Tell her to not respond or for her to say she talked to you already or cut the convo short with "I'm busy".

 

You want this other girl to back off there

is only one person that will do it. Her BF

that happens to be your BF's best friend.

 

Though once you tell her BF, your BF and

him will be ex-friends fast.

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