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Should I be concerned about partners behavior


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 23rd September 2017, 3:59 AM   #1
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Should I be concerned about partners behavior

We have been hanging round with another couple for about a year now. My boyfriend is a very outgoing, flirtatious person naturally but something has been bothering me. Our two friends, Michelle and Danny, well Danny does not have a mobile so whenever we arrange to go out it is usually arranged between either myself and Michelle or my boyfriend Sam and Michelle. Well I am pretty sure my boyfriend is attracted to Michelle; he is always being touchy-feely with her and flirty but then he is like that with many people. However, I recently found some messages which I have found disturbing and I don’t know if I have the right to be concerned about it or I am just being paranoid.

So the other day there was a message on Sam’s phone from Michelle. He had sent Michelle a text saying he was planning on going out on Saturday in the local town to a restaurant. She replied back asking if two oldies were invited (meaning her and her boyfriend Danny) to which my boyfriend Sam replied “you mean Lottie (me) and Danny?” and she said “hahahaha yes ;-P” and he replied “if we have to”. Then some other conversation and she said “so who is going out?” and he replied “not sure at the moment just finding out who fancies it, so at the moment just me and you” and she replied “sounds good to me ” and he replied “you mean you would be happy if it was you and me?” and she replied “hahaha you will get me in trouble!! Of course I would be happy if it was me and you, but also Lottie and Danny” and he replied “I was going to say Lottie and Danny would not be happy”.

He has asked me about going out on Saturday with Michelle and Danny but I have not confirmed either way. I am just a little bit jealous of their recent text exchange. He doesn’t know I have seen the texts. What do I do? Do I have the right to be suspicious of them? I have noticed that when they are sat side by side their arms are always touching. He also takes lots of pictures of her when we are all out but he also takes them of other people too, so not sure if this means anything.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 6:35 AM   #2
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Your feelings are your feelings. You have the right to feel anyway you like.

If this was an isolated event, I'd caution you to simmer down. Unfortunately it seems like it's on-going & escalating.

I would tell Sam that you saw the messages & admit they hurt your feelings. Don't yell. Don't accuse. Just ask him to explain. If he apologizes & dials it back assume it was nothing. If he turns it around on you or gets angry, know you are headed for trouble. Since you are friendly with Michelle, I would also speak to her privately.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 10:21 AM   #3
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Hmm.. I don't know how to handle this kind of issue. My honest answer would be to break up with him. But I guess this is my "conflict avoidance" trait that is shouting.

I don't need my partner for him to be so "into me!" always, but there is a reason why friendly and flirtatious are two different words.

1.) You've read his messages -> Do you always do this? I mean, technically it's his privacy. So if you are open to each other like you can read messages of each other then by all means, you can confront him nicely about it.

2.)It seems to me that the girl is not that flirtatious to your boyfriend. But I guess what really bothers me is the "if we have to" comment. If he is really a loyal, and proper boyfriend, this will not be his response.

For me, your boyfriend is testing the waters already. The girl (at least by this exchange) seems like avoiding the advances without hurting your boyfriend's feelings OR also, she seems to know what your BF is up to so but she doesn't want to assume so she's answering the texts properly for me.

Conclusion: Your BF wants something to happen and is in the starting stage.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 11:05 AM   #4
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That's a pretty clear fishing message on your boyfriend's part.

Sorry OP, but I think your boyfriend likes this girl and would have gone out alone with her had she not introduced a boundary.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 12:12 PM   #5
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Thanks for the replies. My gut instinct is to go mad at him but another part of me wants to watch and wait to see what happens. I love him so this is gonna be hard. He is a very outgoing and flirtatious guy so I just presumed that is what this was. He did make a comment that she "is the female version of me" which was like a kick to the stomach!!
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Old 23rd September 2017, 12:32 PM   #6
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Probably not. My wife and I and any girlfriend I had before her, except for one, never set up anything with guys. If they wanted to set up something, they talked to the guy's girlfriend, not the guy. Men are always open to sex with women, married, in a relationship or not. Sometimes friendship turns to love as it did to my ex fiancÚ who cheated on me with my friend. They got very friendly and the first time I was gone for a few weeks, they got too friendly. My wife sets up all of our social events with women, not their husbands. In my circle it is considered bad form to call up or chat with someone's spouse of the opposite gender. I think you should at least mention that it does not make you feel secure when he is too friendly with other women.

If I was you, I would go on the date and casually ask questions about who set it up and see what he says. If he lies, you do have something to worry about.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 3:42 PM   #7
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TBH all I see is silly banter between friends. There is nothing sexual in those messages. Nothing about how they are secretly touching each other under the table, or how he can get out of the house and see her without being detected, nothing suspect of the sort. You can't possibly think they are being serious. They are just joking around.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 3:45 PM   #8
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I sounded like your bf was coming on to her and she was nervously responding. Your problem is with your bf not her.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 4:05 PM   #9
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YOU say they are your friends but are they really your friends or his?

How did you meet them?
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Old 23rd September 2017, 9:21 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ExpatInItaly View Post
That's a pretty clear fishing message on your boyfriend's part.
This post is spot on. He was clearly fishing to see if she would go out with him alone. When fishing they do not know if the other person will be interested, so they hide it as joking so that they will not get in trouble if the other person is not interested. This fishing was even baited with a put down of his girlfriend (the OP) and the other woman's boyfriend, to see if she would take the bait; again disguised as joking in case she was not interested. He could not have pushed further without undeniably admitting to her that he was interested in seeing her alone.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 9:33 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smackie9 View Post
TBH all I see is silly banter between friends. There is nothing sexual in those messages. Nothing about how they are secretly touching each other under the table, or how he can get out of the house and see her without being detected, nothing suspect of the sort. You can't possibly think they are being serious. They are just joking around.
I think that you are way off base in saying that just because there is "nothing sexual in those messages", and that they are not outright planning how to see each other "without being detected", that there is nothing "suspect". He was clearly fishing. What you are describing is what happens only after the fishing worked, and the only reason that it did not work was she was not interested.
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Old 24th September 2017, 3:36 AM   #12
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YOU say they are your friends but are they really your friends or his?

How did you meet them?
Danny and I have known each other years; we grew up in the same neighbourhood. We have never really hung out together until I met Sam and Danny met Michelle at the same time period; my partner and Danny's partner were the outsiders to begin with because Danny and I had grew up in the same area. Somehow it was suggested we meet up one time and it has ended up being a regular occurrence.

I have always seen Sam looking Michelle up and down like he finds her attractive - that doesn't bother me, I'm not the jealous kind, I can cope with that. But it seems to be getting more? Just judging the text messages I have found and also if we go anywhere it's always "shall we invite Danny and Michelle" which is getting old.

So what do I do now? I hate confrontations as well and don't want to make it awkward when we go out. Perhaps I could engineer avoidance of them for a long time to get some space in my mind and see what Sam does without her around
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Old 24th September 2017, 5:42 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Try View Post
This post is spot on. He was clearly fishing to see if she would go out with him alone. When fishing they do not know if the other person will be interested, so they hide it as joking so that they will not get in trouble if the other person is not interested. This fishing was even baited with a put down of his girlfriend (the OP) and the other woman's boyfriend, to see if she would take the bait; again disguised as joking in case she was not interested. He could not have pushed further without undeniably admitting to her that he was interested in seeing her alone.
Yes, I agree.
This is not innocent stuff.
The problem here is your bf I am sorry to say, who was trying to arrange a "date" with your friend Danny's gf.
Not only disrespecting you, but disrespecting Danny too, whatever happened to the "bro code"?
He is an opportunist.
Michelle to her credit did a sterling job of fending him off.
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Old 24th September 2017, 6:48 AM   #14
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This was an inappropriate conversation on both
of their parts.

That your BF and his friend met her at the same
time and your BF lost out combined with the
way he looks at her is a bad sign.

Checking out women that one does not know
is different. He knows her.

I would quietly dump him.
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Old 24th September 2017, 8:22 AM   #15
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I would quietly dump him.
THIS.

I am the type of person who checks my partner's feelings first rather than mine. If I know that my partner is already acting weird, regardless of how little it is, I am on high alert.

I never "brush anything off." A lot of BS here found themselves in their situation because they thought that their WS's weirdness was "just nothing"

There is NO nothing.
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