friends with opposite sex okay? guidelines?

[nicki]

Hi everyone. For people in relationships, I'm wondering about friendships with the opposite sex, especially exes.

 

What do you all think? Never, ever. Sometimes?

 

What are appropriate boundaries/guidelines?

[DeaconFrost]

Opposite sex is fine as long as its clear on BOTH ends that its purely friends. If its a relatively new friendship then there may be a bit of controversy to deal with. For most guys, its not the girl he doesn't trust, but the other guy...

 

As for being friends with the exes...throw that out. There is no possible good that can come from being friends with exes in a relationship that you expect to be free of turmoil. IMHO, maintaing contact with an ex in a new relationship is like leaving a wound open and unbandaged. Somwhere along the way something is gonna get in and infect the whole damn thing!

 

Its up to you on how you want to proceed, but I say that your SO always comes first when it comes to being friends with exes and new friendships that have just developed. If they are comfortable with it than fine, but their feelings should be considered first. If its an established friendship then I think its only fair that the SO accept the friendship (assuming there is nothing funny happening).

[alphamale]

when one is in a "relationship" friend with the opposite sex will usually cause problems...

 

if it is an ex of the opp sex then it will definitely cause problems. period.

[Sal Paradise]

Ex's are always a no-no. Someone who does that lacks respect for their SO.

 

 

In general it can work but the limits need to be set and respected by both people.

 

Staying over and sleeping in the same room is a no-no.

 

Staying overnight when the SO is out of town is a no-no.

 

Crying on the friends shoulder everytime their is a problem with your SO instead of talking with your SO will lead to problems as well.

 

Going out to clubs with the friend without your SO is asking for trouble.

 

If the friend ever crosses the line (admitting their love for you, trying to "kiss" you etc..) you need to break the friendship and tell your SO.

 

Those are some limits that shouldn't be crossed.

[Cecelius]

"Friend" is such an insanely loaded word, and girls use it differently than men. It's hard to respond.

 

My guidelines (meaning, how I opt in or out of a relationship):

 

*majority of male friends/minority female friends is a no no (yes, they want to do you, at least one of them does, and it means you need too much male attention to keep your self esteem up)

 

*friends with exes is fine as long as that means an email every year or so

 

*no hanging out with dudes you've hooked up with (skanky), and I don't plan on having lunch/dinner/partying with dude's who've exchanged fluids with you

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Sal Paradise

Ex's are always a no-no. Someone who does that lacks respect for their SO.

 

 

In general it can work but the limits need to be set and respected by both people.

 

Staying over and sleeping in the same room is a no-no.

 

Staying overnight when the SO is out of town is a no-no.

 

Crying on the friends shoulder everytime their is a problem with your SO instead of talking with your SO will lead to problems as well.

 

Going out to clubs with the friend without your SO is asking for trouble.

 

If the friend ever crosses the line (admitting their love for you, trying to "kiss" you etc..) you need to break the friendship and tell your SO.

 

Those are some limits that shouldn't be crossed.

 

These are good guidelines. Also, see my signature.

[scarlyjones]

Originally posted by Sal Paradise

Ex's are always a no-no. Someone who does that lacks respect for their SO.

 

 

What if they broke up,...and were friends for a long time THEN one of them meets a new BF, or GF? Are they just supposed to dump their ex's friendship ?

[Cecelius]

No, they are not supposed to do anything in particular. I just don't date women who are friends with exes/people they've hooked up with.

 

They can do what they like, I can do what I like -- it is not in my picture for my girl to be hanging around with a dude whose rod she used to polish. You just find a different girl.

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

What if they broke up,...and were friends for a long time THEN one of them meets a new BF, or GF? Are they just supposed to dump their ex's friendship ?

 

I agree with Cecelius, I wouldn't date someone who is friends with their ex (or someone they've fooled around with).

 

If someone wants to be friends with an EX thats fine, just don't expect me to date them. And I would caution any one I know not to go there. Yes there are people out there who can date EX's and have it be strictly a friendship and never have it interfere with their relationships in any way, but those are the exception.

[nicki]

Yes, I can see both sides about friendships with exes, but there would have to be some serious boundaries about it...

 

I had a boyfriend who was friends with his ex. and their friendship never bothered me at all. They dated for four years, lost the feelings, and were friends for three years before i came along. He was great about it, and always put me first. I could have told him at any point to never talk to her again, and he would have done that for me...I felt secure with this guy.

 

BUT i've seen the other side of the situation with a different boyfriend, and i don't want to ever deal with that situation again. His ex-girlfriend contacted him for a year, sending him sexy texts, etc...that is, until i saw his phone one day, and asked him about it. My heart sunk, I knew what was going on. My gut was screaming at me. He lied, denied, then finally came up with some weak story.

 

He said it was one-sided, that it was her who wanted him, he didn't want her. Later, I found out he didn't even tell her he had a girlfriend until 9 months into our relationship. And, he texted another ex to tell her that he missed her...ouch...He actually told me I was the one with the problem of insecurity and jealousy...that i should just get over it, that it could have been worse. Two months later, he had this ex's number programmed into his new phone, after he promised me he didn't put it in there. I just KNEW he had put it in there. I walked out while he chased me crying.

 

So, it's just easier (for me) to date someone who doesn't have an ex in the picture. period.

 

Thanks for your posts and insight. I needed to hear what you all thought. Sorry if I am rambling.

 

I guess i'm sitting here realizing that what happened with the last boyfriend really shook me. I loved him so much that I doubted myself. What scared me was that I stayed with him for a while after it all happend. But eventually, I had to leave. There was no trust. As a result, I'm a little gun shy now with my new guy...Maybe scared is a better word. I want to have some clear boundaries in place.