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Looked through boyfriend's phone, now upset - ?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 4th October 2017, 1:34 PM   #91
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He says he doesn't know her well (but has been talking each day).

He has known her about 7 years through mutual friends. We have been together for over a year and both have serious intentions for the relationship.

We are long distance now. He makes every effort to contact me morning and night, including opening up when he is having a difficult day or week. He says he feels he can be more open with me now (compared to before when he was confiding in others instead of me). He has also just booked a hotel for us as he is coming to visit in 2 weeks.

Here is my advice.

I know you feel you have a strong base for this relationship but you actually don't. People that have a strong base don't do things your boyfriend has been doing. If he went to these women for attention and comfort it's because it felt better to go to them than to go to you. I know it's hard to read but it's the truth. We are all humans and we all go toward what feels good by instinct.

That being said, if you want to remain in this relationship (I would not) you need to build it from grown up. The base you've been building on is a 'fake' base. It was based on lies and secrecy. You need to rebuild it.

Rebuilding trust when it's been broken once is a difficult task. Rebuilding it when it's been broken TWICE is a futile task. Especially long distance I feel like telling you to save yourself some hardships and to break it. Of course you're not going to listen.

You can give it your best shot but there is no magic pills to make the hurt go away and bring back trust. The ENTIRE task of bringing back trust in your relationship falls ON HIM. He needs to block these women he needs to give you access to his phone activities for the next year. How you do that? He gives you his online phone account login ID, nothing less. Trust is being built back by being 100% transparent. It's up to you to decide if you want his FB and other social media accounts.

Personally I would break up now. It's not normal for a man to seek comfort of other women while he's suppose to be in his honeymoon phase with you. He is weak, He's secretive, he's a liar and deceptive. Not the type of character I want in my life.
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Old 4th October 2017, 1:59 PM   #92
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how long is the long distance going to last?

this is hard on relationships.
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Old 4th October 2017, 2:06 PM   #93
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I guess you are right that there are no magic pills - maybe time will be the only thing to fix it? Is there nothing I can actively do by myself in the meantime?

I did consider breaking up. But I personally feel he is a good man that has not had healthy ways for dealing with stress. I think a lot of 25 year old man don't, especially when it comes to their feelings (though it is not an excuse). The thing is he confides in me as well - but just not about the relationship.

My gut instinct has told me to stick it out because I believe he is sincere. So I am seeking advice on what work I can do. Yes I think I will like to see his messages for a while. It's rough though because then I also potentially feel that im policing him.
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Old 4th October 2017, 2:07 PM   #94
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We will be long distance until May but we are close enough that we can see each other once every month for multiple days. So far it feels doable to both of us but we are going to see how it goes in the next few months.
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Old 4th October 2017, 3:09 PM   #95
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I guess you are right that there are no magic pills - maybe time will be the only thing to fix it? Is there nothing I can actively do by myself in the meantime?

I did consider breaking up. But I personally feel he is a good man that has not had healthy ways for dealing with stress. I think a lot of 25 year old man don't, especially when it comes to their feelings (though it is not an excuse). The thing is he confides in me as well - but just not about the relationship.

My gut instinct has told me to stick it out because I believe he is sincere. So I am seeking advice on what work I can do. Yes I think I will like to see his messages for a while. It's rough though because then I also potentially feel that im policing him.
In other words you are asking us how to not feel hurt when he's hurt you. Only time can fix it. It's not your job to rebuild the trust, it's his. He is the one that needs to work on himself, not you.

Everyone has a little bit of good in them, it doesn't all make them fit to be part of a relationship. Criminals love their children just as much as honest citizen, alcoholic and drug addicts love their mom and deep down have good hearts but it doesn't make them good bf and gf.

Someone that 'cheats' or 'lies' or 'maintain emotional friendships with females' because he cannot manage his stress can be a good person at heart, but that doesn't make him boyfriend material.

Keep in mind, he did it once and he promised it was over and here he is doing it a second time. Chances are he'll do it again, he'll just be better at hiding it.
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Old 4th October 2017, 3:42 PM   #96
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It's one thing for a person to have one or two old friends of the opposite sex that have withstood him being in other relationships, especially if they are in their own relationships and aren't demanding much time and attention from him and aren't focused on him and he's not focused on them either.

But the problem with a serial emotional cheater is he will do it over and over again and one of these days there will be some woman who tempts him to leave. He will always have a corral of women out in the back pasture for when you're out of town or he's disgruntled with you.

So again, if it's one or two established friends, that's one thing. If he kind of falls in love and starts confiding in every new women he meets, it's another.
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Old 6th October 2017, 5:58 PM   #97
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I read your original post, and skipped to the last page to write the following.

It seems that your boyfriend wants to stay with you because he realizes that you're girlfriend material; that's why he sees a future with you, hence his offer to go on a trip with you in the spring.

But he can't handle the fact that you're going to be away for 8 months. So, he's thinking with his little head instead.

The problem is, he seems to value sex over emotional and romantic attachment. Also, he doesn't seem to be boyfriend material. I would walk away from this relationship. Sorry.

If my girlfriend with whom I was in love told me that she was going away for a few months, I would be faithful and wait for her because I love her and value our relationship above any meaningless sex, or temporary physical or emotional comfort. You're supposed to be the woman he trusts the most and feels the most comfortable with.

If the shoe were on the other foot and it was my girlfriend, the trust would have already been broken, and I wouldn't trust her to stay faithful in my absence.

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Old 6th October 2017, 6:22 PM   #98
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When he wrote the other woman and told her he wished he had stayed with her than meet with you and have a pint, wasn't that enough? That statement alone speaks volumes.

If you walk away now, you'll save yourself a lot of heartache, anxiety and grief.

He's not going to change and you're not going to change him no matter how much you talk to him. Spare yourself the headache. And, like others have said, your moving away will be a great opportunity to leave all this bs behind and move on.
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Old 6th October 2017, 7:55 PM   #99
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It's been a month...the op isn't going to budge. She is going to believe in him and all what he says to her, even tho he's still going to dabble in flirtations with other women be hind her back.
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Old 7th October 2017, 8:34 AM   #100
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Lovezen I have to say on this latest update, I tend to agree with Gaeta's last post more in fairness.

I stand by I think some were being to harsh and negative before. It was a reasonable bump that could have been addressed and you've given him every opportunity to make good on things. He has done a lot of good things and made some positive change. I get the impression he means well but is day dreaming into these inappropriate levels of contact again without holding himself to account.

He knew he risked losing you with the inappropriate contact with the prior female friend.

How on earth has he maintained, built up to whatever, similar confiding behaviour daily with another female friend he's known for years, and not thought to mention it. He claims he realised he should've been more transparent with you, his gf, with the last situation. What's so different here? Why's he failed once again after it being made alarmingly obvious to him that level and type of contact with another female is not appropriate.

It is one thing whether he means well. He does I think. But other posters are right I'm afraid OP. He's now demonstrated not only an in-ability to realise appropriate boundaries with other women. He's demonstrated an ability to apologise for it, promise change, but then walk on or into doing very similar once again. That's a huge warning shot for what you're gonna get from this guy over time especially the longer the long distance goes on for. You are straining and taking the burden for his naivity, but it's gone beyond that now. He can't apologise for inappropriate female contact on the one hand, whilst doing similar with another at the same time. It's simply not normal, honest behaviour.
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Old 7th October 2017, 8:53 AM   #101
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In other words you are asking us how to not feel hurt when he's hurt you. Only time can fix it. It's not your job to rebuild the trust, it's his. He is the one that needs to work on himself, not you.

Everyone has a little bit of good in them, it doesn't all make them fit to be part of a relationship. Criminals love their children just as much as honest citizen, alcoholic and drug addicts love their mom and deep down have good hearts but it doesn't make them good bf and gf.

Someone that 'cheats' or 'lies' or 'maintain emotional friendships with females' because he cannot manage his stress can be a good person at heart, but that doesn't make him boyfriend material.

Keep in mind, he did it once and he promised it was over and here he is doing it a second time. Chances are he'll do it again, he'll just be better at hiding it.
This is very well said. I had a bit of trouble extracting myself from my last relationship because of this "good heart" issue. My ex was also "good" and "kind". I met many of his long term friends and they all LOVED him. He was the first person they called for help of any kind. He also adores his daughters and vice versa.

But... he smokes weed to the point of nearly passing out with his young daughters in the house. He lied all the time, to me, his friends, his daughters, his ex and everyone...I am sure that if you talked to him, he would say that he had the best of intentions. He is still a very poor choice for a bf or a partner for me or anyone else.
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