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Looked through boyfriend's phone, now upset - ?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 4th September 2017, 7:07 AM   #31
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Originally Posted by Lovezen_30 View Post
Hi shelly, whether this is makes a difference or not:-


When I asked who he was meeting up with he told me two of friends I know (a couple) and 'I don't know who else'. When, in fact, he did know, because he made direct plans with the female friend. It was her who extended the invitation to include other people.


He admitted he did not tell me the truth because he was worried about my reaction. He says I do not appear to like him having female friends (see precious thread). I don't appreciate a very close friendship where the two speak frequently, true. He can meet up with friends for coffee, lunch, I won't stop him. There was no need for him to lie. I very much doubt I would have snooped if he was transparent from the beginning. I don't think he has lied to me before now, one year in, so I am taking that into account. Lots to think about it however.
It sounds like your half trying to convince yourself here. But there's more worrying insights with each post. So as a guy with a female friend, if I sensed a social occasion with her seemed or could appear slightly datey or more than friends - the very first thing I'd do if it certainly WAS NOT that, would be to convey that to my partner.

Even in a jokey manner, hey babe, so this could look wierd so I'm telling you...but obviously there's nothing going on.

Why would he not do that? Worrying of your reaction isn't good enough. He know's your understanding. Whether he realises it or not, he's hiding it from himself as much as you...he's not being transparent because there is more than a friend vybe going on with this chick.

Your giving him too soft a ride I'm afraid. The tears however sincere have softened your handling. When he needs a firm jolt that he's on thin ice to losing you. I would say you need space, a week apart, and that you only have faith in him if he makes serious strides to make right of this situation.

That's a totally fair stall to set out. Personally I'm mixed on whether he'll come through. But it gives him the opportunity to set his priorities straight like he should've been doing - and commit. If he does that - and only if - then you know he's all in. As things stand, he simply is not.
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Old 4th September 2017, 7:09 AM   #32
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Thank you Elaine. Another amazing contribution that gives me lots of food for thought.


I did say I suspected he was monkey-branching and lining her up for when I'm gone - he said absolutely not, she's a friend. Yes I believe he is truly sorry and that he would be very sad to lose me.


We recently attended the wedding of his best friend and wife. I asked him if he thought his best friend would carry on like this and he admitted no, which lead on to a wider conversation about why it was wrong.


I think he's generally a good man, but immature. Up until now he has made choices about where to live based on where his friends are. Last night he said he was now looking at taking a job at an organisation close to where I will be next year. He seems conflicted.


This morning he went out and seemingly left all his applications in full sight for me, with all the messages coming through. I am not a doormat and won't stay with someone to avoid loneliness. I'm going to think about things for a day or two before making a decision. IF I give him the chance to step up and take the relationship to the next level, he will not be given another opportunity. No tears, no conversation about it - just done. I would like to work through it IF he steps up to the plate big time.
The thing is - he has already convinced you to listen to his reasons about his lies. Do you reason with liars? No. You don't. He has somehow convinced you to let him have another chance because "you are wrong about him." Guess what? You are not wrong about him - he did that - and now you know about it. You are close to finding out a narcissist. Seriously. They don't like it either, when they are found out.
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Old 4th September 2017, 7:20 AM   #33
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The thing is - he has already convinced you to listen to his reasons about his lies. Do you reason with liars? No. You don't. He has somehow convinced you to let him have another chance because "you are wrong about him." Guess what? You are not wrong about him - he did that - and now you know about it. You are close to finding out a narcissist. Seriously. They don't like it either, when they are found out.
Well I told him a lie is a lie and completely unacceptable. This morning he told me he loved me and apologised again but I didn't really want to hear it. Like Bryan says, I am taking space from him to decide on my next move and to give him an opportunity to reflect.
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Old 4th September 2017, 7:28 AM   #34
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Well I told him a lie is a lie and completely unacceptable. This morning he told me he loved me and apologised again but I didn't really want to hear it. Like Bryan says, I am taking space from him to decide on my next move and to give him an opportunity to reflect.
I would guess he is (or already has) come at you with excuses about how all of this is making him feel. "You are lingering on the subject and it is wearing me down, you never shut up about it."

Is that right?


The reason you haven't and will never come to an agreement about these things is because a.) he is not willing to do them because of his own personal set of beliefs; making you two not compatible or b.) because he is a narcissist and nothing you say counts.
I can't think of any other reason here that this could happen with a normal human being.
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Old 4th September 2017, 7:33 AM   #35
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I would guess he is (or already has) come at you with excuses about how all of this is making him feel. "You are lingering on the subject and it is wearing me down, you never shut up about it."

Is that right?


The reason you haven't and will never come to an agreement about these things is because a.) he is not willing to do them because of his own personal set of beliefs; making you two not compatible or b.) because he is a narcissist and nothing you say counts.
I can't think of any other reason here that this could happen with a normal human being.
No actually, there have been no excuses. He now has reached a point where he is simply remorseful and said he knows we will need to talk about it again and is going to reflect on things.


a) will be my main issue to tackle with him. Yes he has female friends. But will he put me first? Accept its time to grow up and dial back the types of bonds that aren't conducive to a serious commitment with me? If he feels he can't/would resent doing so that would be incompatibility.


ps. I am also very sorry to hear what you have been through.
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Old 4th September 2017, 9:22 AM   #36
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If you decide to give him another chance which I'm sure you will.

Be prepared that he will do this again and again (behind your back and cover it better).

You will waste a couple of more months of your time and eventually you will break up.

Sometimes you have to walk through this hard road by yourself to really learn.

Good luck!

I wish I could give you the power to just leave this guy!
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Old 4th September 2017, 9:51 AM   #37
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If you decide to give him another chance which I'm sure you will.

Be prepared that he will do this again and again (behind your back and cover it better).

You will waste a couple of more months of your time and eventually you will break up.

Sometimes you have to walk through this hard road by yourself to really learn.

Good luck!

I wish I could give you the power to just leave this guy!
See, that's a little too pessimistic.

A few posts from someone on a message board is never going to come close to giving a full enough insight into the pro's and cons, likelihood of...a relationship moving forwards - in someone else's life.

Worse things have happened in relationships and recovered. The 100% this will not work attitude on here sometimes really has to stop, because most times no one ever truly can be certain of that just from the other side of a keyboard.

I share the doubts as does the OP. Absolutely. But relationships have recovered from full on cheating, so there's no reason one couldn't recover from this - potentially.

Last edited by BryanSmiley; 4th September 2017 at 9:53 AM..
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Old 4th September 2017, 10:31 AM   #38
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See, that's a little too pessimistic.

A few posts from someone on a message board is never going to come close to giving a full enough insight into the pro's and cons, likelihood of...a relationship moving forwards - in someone else's life.

Worse things have happened in relationships and recovered. The 100% this will not work attitude on here sometimes really has to stop, because most times no one ever truly can be certain of that just from the other side of a keyboard.

I share the doubts as does the OP. Absolutely. But relationships have recovered from full on cheating, so there's no reason one couldn't recover from this - potentially.
People recover from being hit by a car too. That doesn't mean it's a good idea to play in traffic.
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Old 4th September 2017, 10:59 AM   #39
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People recover from being hit by a car too. That doesn't mean it's a good idea to play in traffic.
Totally relevant comparison.

Someone's life whom you don't know, versus a car crash.

Because no relationship ever recovered from emotional cheating.

It really is that black and white. You're so right.
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Old 4th September 2017, 11:04 AM   #40
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I did say I suspected he was monkey-branching and lining her up for when I'm gone - he said absolutely not, she's a friend. .
Ok, but was he really going to say to you,
"YES, lovezen, I was lining her up as your replacement..."
How likely was that?
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Old 4th September 2017, 11:17 AM   #41
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Totally relevant comparison.

Someone's life whom you don't know, versus a car crash.

Because no relationship ever recovered from emotional cheating.

It really is that black and white. You're so right.
It is merely an analogy.
Most of us just want to point out the traffic and the danger, as it is usually obvious to those of looking in that the poster seeking help IS playing in the traffic, only they are often oblivious, or they are running about with a blindfold on and with their fingers in their ears going lalalalala...

We do not want her/him to "recover", we want her/him to see the dangers of the traffic BEFORE they end up in hospital.
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Old 4th September 2017, 11:33 AM   #42
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Wow. He knows he is busted, but his reaction tells me he has done this before- he knows exactly how to emotionally manipulate you. He has no intention to stop seeing his side piece - he has put in too much time and energy to drop her. When you are finally away, you know what he is going to be doing, right? And, you wont be able to snoop on his phone any more... Right now you are the GF and she is the side piece, but that position will be reversed once you leave. OP, drop this guy, if you don't, he will be cheating on you forever. You will be living a miserable life, and probably entertaining a few STDs as well... so don't give him another chance to mess with you. Let him cry all the way to his new bit of fluff...better her problem than yours.
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Old 4th September 2017, 11:39 AM   #43
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OK I agree he is using these little emotional affairs as escapes. Think about it, you are going away for 8 months, he has family issues going on, he is home sick. This is his way of coping, and it always has been. It's a habit, no different that being addicted to drugs or alcohol. Some people have their way of dealing with stress, his is emotional affairs. What happens is, he gets a boost of dopamine (Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that helps control the brain's reward and pleasure centers. Dopamine also helps regulate movement and emotional responses, and it enables us not only to see rewards, but to take action to move toward them). Dopamine is very addictive.

I'm sure he is remorseful, but like any addiction, they are scared as to what they are giving up, their lack of control, the lies, etc. This is why he keeps doing it, he can't help himself....he needs help, and to find other ways to help him cope with stress.
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Old 4th September 2017, 11:52 AM   #44
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I many give him another chance if I believe he is truly remorseful.
Then understand that you are giving a second chance to a guy who has proven he's got no qualms about lying to your face. You will not be able to trust that he has been or is now telling you the truth. He's saying and doing what he needs to do to keep his status quo and that has nothing to do with remorse.

Ask him if he's remorseful about entering into this emotional affair with missy or if he's remorseful about being caught in a shed-load of lies, covering it up to keep it from you.

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I have too much self respect to put up with this ever again however and if after 'rebuilding' the dalliance was repeated, it would OVER, no further conversation had.
He's already constructed a frame of intimate familiarity with this chick through the emotional affair.

Make sure "rebuilding" isn't him figuring out a way to keep on carrying on with missy behind your back. Meaning: he doesn't keep on corresponding with her on a cell phone you don't know anything about or emails through his work computer that you will never have access to. Remember: he's a liar.

I seriously doubt he's done with her and I will bet dollars to donuts that she's not done with him and will make that plain in the not to distant future. He's going to have to deal with her to tell her why he can't see her anymore and that may ignite her to make a scene with him.

And BTW--he's lying about not knowing why he said the thing about the couch. He knows damb well why he said that: because he did something on said couch that has planted a seed of memory that he dwelled upon and romanticized to the point where he wants to experience it again. Unpleasant experiences do not conjure up this sort of wistful expression, by and large. They generally conjure up recoil.

Proceed at your own emotional peril with a liar.
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Old 4th September 2017, 12:26 PM   #45
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To add to my last post:

If this was a one time thing and this relationship was just a friendship, my advice would be to try to work together to mend it. However, what stopped me from giving that advice is this:

Quote:
HIS messages to another girl have increased in the last few weeks.
He's pursuing her.

Quote:
Saturday night I went out for dinner with a friend and he went out with his friends.

he asked me to contact him later so we could have a pint just the two of us before we headed home.

Lie#1: he told me he was actually heading to a friend's house now. I said I thought you were coming for a pint with me and my friend?

He seemed a bit off at the pub at first but then things got better.

Lie#2: He mentioned the group that he met up with and this womans name was included.


Sunday night he gets multiple messages from her

and I thought this was odd seeing as they just saw each other the previous evening.

When she doesn't reply for a few days he provokes another response from her.


So it turns out on Sunday she was replying to his message - saying he was sorry for cutting the night short and that he would have loved to have stayed longer (this is when he went to meet me and friend at the pub).

When she asked if he enjoyed the pub, he said it was good but really he would have rather 'sat on the couch' for longer than had a pint.
Read: than be with his girlfriend who he told that he wanted to grab a pint together before heading home

Quote:
He also said he would have loved to have come to her party next weekend if he didn't have plans (with me and other friends).
Notice: he didn't say "let me see if my girlfriend and her friends can adjust their plans and I bring her with me to your party so you can meet", if they are truly friends and things are on the up and up between them. This is the type of behavior that puts the lie to everything he's telling you. THIS was the point where he should have included you, not make it seem like you were the ball and chain and he'd rather be with her - by himself - at her party.

Quote:
She also said 'I love all these dog stories you send me!' because he sends her links about dogs. He messaged her about a book he thought she'd like - a book he has been reading out to me before bed
He is already sneaking his new girlfriend into your relationship under your nose to the point where the book he's reading to you and building intimacy with you through that action, he's sharing it with her, too.

So what makes you special over her when he does things like this?

Like I said in my last post: proceed with caution when dealing with a liar and dissembler.

Last edited by kendahke; 4th September 2017 at 12:29 PM..
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