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Looked through boyfriend's phone, now upset - ?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 4th September 2017, 2:29 AM   #16
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Personally I would dump the guy so I could look forward to my fresh start.

It's an emotional affair and no matter how much he denies it if you confront him about it I think it's likely to be something that would destroy your self esteem if you continue seeing him - especially whilst you are away.

Tell him it's over and that he should cancel his trip to see you.
I'm not even sure I would bother telling him why it's over as he will try to wriggle out of it and then if you did continue seeing him you could find it hard not to start putting rules in place and becoming controlling.
I'd never want to do that - if a guy is behaving this way then he can carry on and do it without me around.
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Old 4th September 2017, 2:45 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by kendahke View Post
Tell him you looked at the messages and you're not liking what you're reading and you're breaking up with him because his loyalties are divided and you don't want to be with someone who is carrying on an emotional affair behind your back and playing you for stupid.

If right is on your side, what have you got to fear? Part of being an adult is to not act like a child who broke mommy's glass vase because she doesn't want to get into trouble.

If he's given you access to his phone, then you've got access to his phone. Period. There's nothing about that to make you feel like you'll get in trouble or he gets mad. If he wasn't doing something wrong--or if the tables would turn, he'd be apoplectic about what you were doing to him--he wouldn't get mad because he's given you that access to his phone.

I hope you forwarded the texts to yourself so you have copies of them in case he wants to further play you for stupid.

Here's the thing: a man who loves you doesn't create an entree for another women into his intimacy. He knows not to put himself in the position in the first place where his actions are messy and he conjures up suspicion on the one he claims he loves, nor is he secretive about his actions and whereabouts.

The minute this chick popped up on his radar, he needed to introduce you to her, too and let it be known that you are priority in all things and he wasn't going to proceed in a fashion where he hides and lies to you about where he's been.

He's trashing your relationship and he's going to keep trashing it until you speak up for yourself because he damb sure isn't going to draw attention to anything about this chick and him and her couch. TF?

He's monkey-barring to his next relationship and keeping silent about how he's playing you should be the last thing you do.
Thank you so much for this post.


I confronted him. There was disbelief > anger > denial > tears, a lot of tears. At first he said she's 'just a friend' and I wasn't accepting it. I asked him, what's the difference to you between a close friendship and the intimacy of a relationship. He said the quality time spent together. Yes, me too to an extent, but frequently fostering an emotional connection with someone else is not on IMO. He also admitted he lied about seeing her because he was afraid of a jealous reaction and did not want to hurt me. Separately he broke down, big heaving sobs and said he felt lost in his life in general.


He admitted that the couch thing was out of order and he doesn't even really know why he said it because he DID want to come and be with me at the pub. As it stands, I feel he has divided loyalties as you say. Now he says he loves me and wants to rebuild things if I'll have him. I love him very much, so I many give him another chance if I believe he is truly remorseful. I have too much self respect to put up with this ever again however and if after 'rebuilding' the dalliance was repeated, it would OVER, no further conversation had.
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Old 4th September 2017, 3:15 AM   #18
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I would be careful, OP. His big emotional reaction suggests he's in deeper than you realized. If it was truly just friendship, he would likely have been a lot calmer when you confronted him, at least in regards to assuring you she is truly platonic. But the heaving sobs and declaring he feels lost in life? There's more to this. It's eating at him for a reason.

This is the same guy who wants to travel with a former crush?

Last edited by ExpatInItaly; 4th September 2017 at 3:20 AM..
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Old 4th September 2017, 3:46 AM   #19
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I would be careful, OP. His big emotional reaction suggests he's in deeper than you realized. If it was truly just friendship, he would likely have been a lot calmer when you confronted him, at least in regards to assuring you she is truly platonic. But the heaving sobs and declaring he feels lost in life? There's more to this. It's eating at him for a reason.

This is the same guy who wants to travel with a former crush?
He was calm for quite a long time - more in shock I would say. We looked through the messages together and it was after that that he broke down. Said he was very sorry for hurting me. He told me he yearns to return home and isn't really happy in our current city. He also said he doesn't feel fulfilled here and he did mention this a couple of months ago.


Yes it is the same guy. He raised the topic when I confronted him - saying he specifically cut back on his interactions with her after I expressed my feelings. This is true, he has. But all he has done is replaced it with another. He says regardless of gender, a friend is a friend to him, that he has always had female friends. But I need boundaries and asked him to think about what he is willing to offer me in terms of that


We are going to talk again and he has things to reflect on. I need him to see and understand why this was more than just a friendship that took away from our relationship. If he cannot see that on his own I don't know what hope there is.
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Old 4th September 2017, 4:49 AM   #20
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You've handled this really admirably but I agree with the poster that his emotional reaction, remorse etc. is good in some ways, but actually raises more alarm bells.

Sounds like this has happened before and he's holding a few things back.

If you were living together I think this could be repairable.

But in all honesty, embarking on a LDR you need to be rock solid. And the reality is you are far far from that.

I'd be a little concerned that your patience and efforts based on his words of wanting to work things out, may be wasted. Reason being the more the you pull the curtains the more various things are coming out. Furthermore temptations and the ease of more than emotionally cheating - are about to rise exponentially during a LDR.

Last edited by BryanSmiley; 4th September 2017 at 4:51 AM..
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Old 4th September 2017, 5:18 AM   #21
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You've handled this really admirably but I agree with the poster that his emotional reaction, remorse etc. is good in some ways, but actually raises more alarm bells.

Sounds like this has happened before and he's holding a few things back.

If you were living together I think this could be repairable.

But in all honesty, embarking on a LDR you need to be rock solid. And the reality is you are far far from that.

I'd be a little concerned that your patience and efforts based on his words of wanting to work things out, may be wasted. Reason being the more the you pull the curtains the more various things are coming out. Furthermore temptations and the ease of more than emotionally cheating - are about to rise exponentially during a LDR.
Thanks Bryan. Last night when I came home the first thing asked before I even raised this was how he was. He said ok, a bit stressed, that he was thinking about how he'd miss me. He's been having family issues recently too which I believe was part of his sadness.


I am very unsure about what to do now in regards to the LDR. I don't want to give up the opportunity - I want to go. I asked him last night if he wanted me to stay here and he said he wanted me to go because he knows how much I want it. I'm really torn at the moment. Would it be a compromise to try the LDR from late Sept-early Oct until xmas and see how it goes? The last thing I want is to stay here to commit to the relationship and find my trusting nature has been wasted and I missed out on a great opportunity abroad.
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Old 4th September 2017, 5:39 AM   #22
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Get rid of this dude. He's tainted.
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Old 4th September 2017, 6:18 AM   #23
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Thanks Bryan. Last night when I came home the first thing asked before I even raised this was how he was. He said ok, a bit stressed, that he was thinking about how he'd miss me. He's been having family issues recently too which I believe was part of his sadness.

I am very unsure about what to do now in regards to the LDR. I don't want to give up the opportunity - I want to go. I asked him last night if he wanted me to stay here and he said he wanted me to go because he knows how much I want it. I'm really torn at the moment. Would it be a compromise to try the LDR from late Sept-early Oct until xmas and see how it goes? The last thing I want is to stay here to commit to the relationship and find my trusting nature has been wasted and I missed out on a great opportunity abroad.
If it were just the LDR aspect to this an outsider would give it a good shot. But your guys head and emotions aren't being demonstrably strong in the lead-up. These hidden things, issues, doubts are weakening the relationship when it needs strengthening ahead of bigger tests.

I really hate sounding pessimistic with these things and think sometimes all to easily on these boards we are so, a tad too much. But emotionally cheating is exactly what's happened. You'll absolutely kick yourself if you miss an opportunity for this guy only for it to not work out.

You'll have to really keep reminding yourself of that and force yourself on-wards, which will be hard. You set your plans out, it's not on your to cancel them and hold back to keep an eye on him and build the relationship. The test is on him.

If I'm being honest, I wouldn't place much faith the guy coming through - if he's emotionally cheated more than once. If he realised he did - that's a concious worrying trait he has. If it was un-concious - how emotionally naive is he for you to be confident similar or worse won't happen with him miles away!?
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Old 4th September 2017, 6:26 AM   #24
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Curiousity got the better of me, I snooped, now unsure what to do. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and I am living with him at the moment. We are about to go long distance for 8 months. His messages to another girl have increased in the last few weeks. At this point they talk every other day or every day, he lets me do things on his phone and her name was coming up more than usual.


Saturday night I went out for dinner with a friend and he went out with his friends. We journeyed in to meet them together and he asked me to contact him later so we could have a pint just the two of us before we headed home.


Later I did just that and he told me he was actually heading to a friend's house now. I said I thought you were coming for a pint with me and my friend? (I spend a lot of time with his friends, he hasn't spent much with mine) so he said yes I'll come and meet you. He seemed a bit off at the pub at first but then things got better. He mentioned the group that he met up with and this womans name was included.


Sunday night he gets multiple messages from her and I thought this was odd seeing as they just saw each other the previous evening. So I snooped and didn't like what I found. Nothing sexual etc, but he chats to her like 'how was your work?' 'how was your weekend' etc and she does the same. When she doesn't reply for a few days he provokes another response from her.


So it turns out on Sunday she was replying to his message - saying he was sorry for cutting the night short and that he would have loved to have stayed longer (this is when he went to meet me and friend at the pub). When she asked if he enjoyed the pub, he said it was good but really he would have rather 'sat on the couch' for longer than had a pint. He also said he would have loved to have come to her party next weekend if he didn't have plans (with me and other friends). She also said 'I love all these dog stories you send me!' because he sends her links about dogs. He messaged her about a book he thought she'd like - a book he has been reading out to me before bed


I am really bothered by this. I thought my boyfriend was devoted to me - he seems to be. I know he loves me, I really feel it. But I'm not comfortable with this and can't bring it up without admitting I snooped.


What do I do?


This would normally not be a problem for me, if it were open and known.

There is a reason he is hiding it, and it sends up a huge red flag for me.

Remember, it is okay to spend time with your friends, even the friends of the opposite sex. There is always going to be a tad bit of jealousy, in any relationship, and that is healthy in a way. But only if it is open.

It becomes unhealthy and sends out the red flags when it is hidden. Not only did he hide this from you, but he lied to you about it.

I would like to state clearly - it is okay for men to hang out with their friends, and even women of the opposite sex. While, I would agree that it is disrespectful to hang out with other women - alone - it still happens, and sometimes can be permissable in a relationship. It is the fact that he lied about it, and is now hiding it. There is a good chance he is going to turn this around on you if confronted.

If it were me, based on experience, I would end it - right now. Lies are not tolerated. Hiding things is not tolerated.
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Old 4th September 2017, 6:43 AM   #25
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You've been together just a year and he's been too close with other women twice? It doesn't matter if you're long distance; this guy is not staying around for the long haul. No one who sincerely believes they've found their true love sneaks around looking for a deeper connection.

He is already comfortable lying to you and that is a very bad sign. While I'm sure he feels bad about what he did, and he's probably upset at himself for messing up again, his action tell you all you need to know. He is not looking at this relationship as a source of stability or long-term happiness. He keeps looking to other women because there's something missing, either between you or within himself (or both), and if it's not there after a year then it's not going to appear out of nowhere.

Break up with him and go on your trip. At this point you are delaying the inevitable. The world is full of men who can and do want to be there for you.
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Old 4th September 2017, 6:44 AM   #26
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This would normally not be a problem for me, if it were open and known.

There is a reason he is hiding it, and it sends up a huge red flag for me.

Remember, it is okay to spend time with your friends, even the friends of the opposite sex. There is always going to be a tad bit of jealousy, in any relationship, and that is healthy in a way. But only if it is open.

It becomes unhealthy and sends out the red flags when it is hidden. Not only did he hide this from you, but he lied to you about it.

I would like to state clearly - it is okay for men to hang out with their friends, and even women of the opposite sex. While, I would agree that it is disrespectful to hang out with other women - alone - it still happens, and sometimes can be permissable in a relationship. It is the fact that he lied about it, and is now hiding it. There is a good chance he is going to turn this around on you if confronted.

If it were me, based on experience, I would end it - right now. Lies are not tolerated. Hiding things is not tolerated.

Hi shelly, whether this is makes a difference or not:-


When I asked who he was meeting up with he told me two of friends I know (a couple) and 'I don't know who else'. When, in fact, he did know, because he made direct plans with the female friend. It was her who extended the invitation to include other people.


He admitted he did not tell me the truth because he was worried about my reaction. He says I do not appear to like him having female friends (see precious thread). I don't appreciate a very close friendship where the two speak frequently, true. He can meet up with friends for coffee, lunch, I won't stop him. There was no need for him to lie. I very much doubt I would have snooped if he was transparent from the beginning. I don't think he has lied to me before now, one year in, so I am taking that into account. Lots to think about it however.
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Old 4th September 2017, 6:46 AM   #27
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There was disbelief > anger > denial > tears, a lot of tears.
He tried everything there didn't he?

Be very careful of the heaving sobs and the big emotions.
Some people will use emotional escapes* to get themselves out of trouble.
Watch his actions now.
After all that big blow out and his heaving sobs of "remorse", he should now stop what he was doing that upset you.

BUT manipulators and players and other people up to no good will continue the bad behaviour as if the huge discussion and all that emotion displayed, never actually happened.
All that emotion is indeed fake and only designed to make you accept what they are telling you and to get them out of trouble.
Once the heat is off they just go back and do what they want to do, often the very next day.

So forget all that sobbing and watch what he does now, is he determined to get your relationship back on track or will he just keep stringing you along and before you know it it will be some other woman who is his new "best friend".
Grown men do not really need female "best friends" and it is telling that he already got rid of one to just acquire another...
As you now have confronted him and called him out on it, he may just get sneakier, using hidden apps or even another phone...

As you are about to go long distance my guess is that he is actually lining up other women to take your place here, sorry to say.

YOU sound far too good for him and are far too understanding and are giving him chances few other woman would.
I know you want to be seen as the reasonable, cool, secure, non jealous adult here, but there is a limit and all that can quickly descend into you being the doormat he wipes is feet on.

He lied to your face and OK you got "the truth" out of him eventually but that is no basis for a relationship especially a LDR.
Remember you are not a married woman with three kids who need their father, you are young, free and single so you do not need to put up with this nonsense.
How bad does it need to get?
He may well be on his way out here but he hasn't the courage to end it yet, or he needs to make sure he has another lined up before he will leap.

Do what you need to do with your own life do not base anything around this guy at the moment. Seize all opportunities with both hands.

(*Watch the link I provided on "emotional escapes". Short video.)
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Old 4th September 2017, 6:54 AM   #28
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Hi shelly, whether this is makes a difference or not:-


When I asked who he was meeting up with he told me two of friends I know (a couple) and 'I don't know who else'. When, in fact, he did know, because he made direct plans with the female friend. It was her who extended the invitation to include other people.


He admitted he did not tell me the truth because he was worried about my reaction. He says I do not appear to like him having female friends (see precious thread). I don't appreciate a very close friendship where the two speak frequently, true. He can meet up with friends for coffee, lunch, I won't stop him. There was no need for him to lie. I very much doubt I would have snooped if he was transparent from the beginning. I don't think he has lied to me before now, one year in, so I am taking that into account. Lots to think about it however.
I would like to address these couple of things here. First, he is worried about your reaction because you do not like it. I am positive it has been because you feel disrespected. We feel that. We all feel that, when we are lied to and cheated on. Now, I get it - it has been just a conversation. Right? Now they are hanging out? He is worried about your reaction because you don't like what he is going to do, and he knows it. Yet, he chooses to do it anyway - tossing your feelings and wishes to the side.

You are right - there is no need for him to lie? Then so why did he lie?

I would like to point out that a couple of years ago I started out in a relationship just like this asking a bunch of questions, just the same as you are right now. It was right up there with the worst ever relationships. My wedding dress sold on ebay a few months ago. Finally. I have had a hard time recovering financially from this, as well as emotionally.

My advice would be to nip it in the bud, because it is only going to get worse from here.

#truth
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Old 4th September 2017, 7:02 AM   #29
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He tried everything there didn't he?

Be very careful of the heaving sobs and the big emotions.
Some people will use emotional escapes* to get themselves out of trouble.
Watch his actions now.
After all that big blow out and his heaving sobs of "remorse", he should now stop what he was doing that upset you.

BUT manipulators and players and other people up to no good will continue the bad behaviour as if the huge discussion and all that emotion displayed, never actually happened.
All that emotion is indeed fake and only designed to make you accept what they are telling you and to get them out of trouble.
Once the heat is off they just go back and do what they want to do, often the very next day.

So forget all that sobbing and watch what he does now, is he determined to get your relationship back on track or will he just keep stringing you along and before you know it it will be some other woman who is his new "best friend".
Grown men do not really need female "best friends" and it is telling that he already got rid of one to just acquire another...
As you now have confronted him and called him out on it, he may just get sneakier, using hidden apps or even another phone...

As you are about to go long distance my guess is that he is actually lining up other women to take your place here, sorry to say.

YOU sound far too good for him and are far too understanding and are giving him chances few other woman would.
I know you want to be seen as the reasonable, cool, secure, non jealous adult here, but there is a limit and all that can quickly descend into you being the doormat he wipes is feet on.

He lied to your face and OK you got "the truth" out of him eventually but that is no basis for a relationship especially a LDR.
Remember you are not a married woman with three kids who need their father, you are young, free and single so you do not need to put up with this nonsense.
How bad does it need to get?
He may well be on his way out here but he hasn't the courage to end it yet, or he needs to make sure he has another lined up before he will leap.

Do what you need to do with your own life do not base anything around this guy at the moment. Seize all opportunities with both hands.

(*Watch the link I provided on "emotional escapes". Short video.)
Thank you Elaine. Another amazing contribution that gives me lots of food for thought.


I did say I suspected he was monkey-branching and lining her up for when I'm gone - he said absolutely not, she's a friend. Yes I believe he is truly sorry and that he would be very sad to lose me.


We recently attended the wedding of his best friend and wife. I asked him if he thought his best friend would carry on like this and he admitted no, which lead on to a wider conversation about why it was wrong.


I think he's generally a good man, but immature. Up until now he has made choices about where to live based on where his friends are. Last night he said he was now looking at taking a job at an organisation close to where I will be next year. He seems conflicted.


This morning he went out and seemingly left all his applications in full sight for me, with all the messages coming through. I am not a doormat and won't stay with someone to avoid loneliness. I'm going to think about things for a day or two before making a decision. IF I give him the chance to step up and take the relationship to the next level, he will not be given another opportunity. No tears, no conversation about it - just done. I would like to work through it IF he steps up to the plate big time.
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Old 4th September 2017, 7:07 AM   #30
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I am going to say this one more time.

I had the exact same relationship - even down to the best friends wedding. It ended of christmas 2017. Right, you got all dressed up to attend this wedding right? He's immature? No. He's mentally ill.

Next he will start turning things around on you. I can promise you that. Making accusations at you, telling you what to wear. Being outrageously jealous with no reason. . .

He does not value you.
He never will.
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