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Jealous of GF's interactions with Ex-BF?FWB? as of late. Justified?


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So, sitting at work..antsy and anxious cause I feel "jealous/angry" but can't decide if its justified or just me being insecure..

 

Let me explain..

So my GF of 2 years, lets call her S, has in the past mentioned J...saying how nice a guy he is and such. I never pried for backstory she would just mention him casually while we talked. Perhaps once every few months.

Heres what I know via internet sleuthing/my girlfriends stories/a "friend" giving me some knowledge him..

 

J is married. Military. Currently lives thousand of miles away but is from the area we live. From what I see via social media looks to be very into his wife.

His history with my GF is..6-7 years ago both had just left LTR's and met and decided to hang-out. He had just joined the military and in the time before his departure for boot-camp him and my GF partied a bunch. Both newly single the bar hopped and hung out a bunch. While my GF has never said he was a BF or they had any type of 'relationship' I have it on good authority that they were intimate with one another.

 

So now that we have their history out and what I knew before things have started to 'happen' that have made me 'uncomfortable'

 

It all starts about 6 months ago..

 

So me, my GF, and her co-worker are out at dinner..things are going great. But, it seems J is home on leave unbeknownst to my GF and is back at home. So, while we are eating he comes in the restaurant with his family in tow. They notice each other, my GF and S, and he comes over to our table and says hello.

The exchange seemed normal, a hello to us and a hello from me and the co-worker joining us..but then my GF blurts out..

"This is J, hes like, the best guy I know!"

Follwed by an awkward pause, then he eyes dart to me with a awkward smile and says..

"I mean, uh, I mean besides you of course"

...it was cringe worthly and awkward..to me at least..

 

So what happens next is I guess J is deployed to the middle east sometime in the next month or 2.

 

This is when me seeing her social media notifications start to go off increasingly.

"Recived FB message from J"

"J has sent you a snap"

Etc..

 

I see also that Snaps...of my dogs..she sends me..she is also sending to him. Seems hes a dog enthusiast and she has almost co-opted my dogs as a way to "connect" with him. Mind you, I like the free dog walking/attention she is finally giving them but I feel kinda like my dogs are being used as tools of some sort. Mind you, that last part may just me spinning it in my head lol.

 

Once, around 2 months ago, we are out on a date night and I leave to go to the bathroom. In the bathroom I receive a Snap photo from her just as I'm entering. She has sent me a funny photo of a statue above the bar she saw. When I get out of the bathroom I see her across the bar on her phone. I take the long way around the bar and come up behind her and as I do and look over her shoulder I see she has sent it to him also and is currently chatting with him via Snap. I dont see what is said mlbut clearly see a long chat log that must extend beyond tonight and/or more. She hastly puts her phone down and I just casuslly go on with the night.

 

Aside from that he is now almost a main stay in being added to our convos in some way or form also.

One night during a convo about something she tells me how her family wanted her to date J back when they used to hang-out cause they loved him and knew his family and thought they were great people.

While telling me about the new Snapchat map feature she told me how she was just telling J about it and how cool it was.

Other little antidotes about him, times they hung out etc..

Basically talk about him over the last 3 to 4 months has been more prevalent then ever.

 

Shes even said subtle things (I may be looking far to much into) along the lines of..

My dog recently being scared of fireworks she says "Shes definitely not a combat dog!" Which leads me to equate she got this from him since he is military and a dog lover.

Her talking about the state he currently resides in and wanting to move their one day. Her talking about the state compared to our own (like the roads, open space, city planning etc..) like a person who..has a person knowledgeable about it feeding her this info.

Just wierd stuff..like when she was out on a walk texting me saying "Just picking them up and putting them down"..something Ive never heard come out of her mouth lol

 

While at a bar after a concert last month she had her Snapchat open and low and behold he is the top one with the little flaming emoticon for 'most talked too'. I made a silly comment like "Huh, I'm not even top 3! Lol" and she stared daggers into me and said "Dont you start this!" angerly.

 

Her sleeping habits have became a little erratic also..which could be nothing..but I do know that do to the time difference it seems its pretty usual he will message her at 4 or 5am sometimes. I will leave for work at 4:30am sometimes and see that she checks her phone as I am leaving. I often will notice her social media 'online' will routinely display her on at 4, 5, 6am sometimes.

 

As for noticeable social media things (likes/comments) he would drop a like occasionally, never saw a comment.

Last 3 months tho he is instantly the first like as soon as she post anything.

And, today was the first time Ive ever seen comments in 2 years oddly enough.

She cut her hair short today and had to post up 2 selfies, 1 for Instagram and 1 for Facebook.

He Dropped the first comment on her IG say "Looks good" then hours later (which I just noticed) dropped a "Awwwww, that face" on her FB upload.

 

I dont know...this could all be two buddies just talking. It could be my own insecurities, and I know that..but its been like a steam-roller of just "him, him, him, him" these last 3-4 months. Starting with the comment which has escalated to constant talking.

I mean, I have only ever glanced onto 2 convos and been able to read them, both were harmless chit-chat...but who knows.

Honestly, if anything...I feel as it could be this scenario..

'They are good friends, heres on deployment and looking to talk to someone...she is obliging..but..perhaps has..got a little crush? on him?"

 

I know, I know, the common answer would be "Talk to her!" about it...

I wish I could, but, I dont wanna seem insecure/jealous and to be honest...2 times before this guys appeared in her life who she claimed were friends who I got suspicious of due to her increased amount of interaction with. The first time was an ex of her friends who had a crush on her but she saw completely as a friend...I was completely off about this one and she did nothing wrong but being insecure and jealous we had a major argument about him. The second time was another married guy friend who she went to highschool with. He too turned out to be harmless and their was nothing nefarious about the interaction. But it kinda came out of no where and they were texting back and forths so much I grew suspicious for no reason other then insecurity on my part.

 

So how do I proceed? We recently bought a house together so I cant just up and leave her over it...and as I said perhaps I am just being insecure for no good reason.

 

Thoughts, opinions, insight, help navigating this are appreciated tremendously.

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Well, she definitely has a thing for J, that's for sure. Since he is far away, it is probably a developing emotional affair. How far it's gone, well, you need to get ahold of her phone. Text messages are stored by some cell carriers and if you are on the bill, you can request transcripts for the past several months. Also, at the every least, your cell bill will log all the times they have contacted each other. Be prepared for a huge number. As far as other technological interventions, if they are communicating via computer, you can install a key logger into the family PC and it will give you a key-click by key-click description of just how far your girlfriend has gone down the rabbit hole... possible stuff can include sexting, hidden face book accounts, passwords to chat apps like kik, etc. I am sorry you are finding yourself on love shack, but there are many individuals here that can give you support and help you to uncover the truth... good luck.

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Well, she definitely has a thing for J, that's for sure. Since he is far away, it is probably a developing emotional affair. How far it's gone, well, you need to get ahold of her phone. Text messages are stored by some cell carriers and if you are on the bill, you can request transcripts for the past several months. Also, at the every least, your cell bill will log all the times they have contacted each other. Be prepared for a huge number. As far as other technological interventions, if they are communicating via computer, you can install a key logger into the family PC and it will give you a key-click by key-click description of just how far your girlfriend has gone down the rabbit hole... possible stuff can include sexting, hidden face book accounts, passwords to chat apps like kik, etc. I am sorry you are finding yourself on love shack, but there are many individuals here that can give you support and help you to uncover the truth... good luck.

 

None of these are an option for me.

 

We are on seperate bills/accounts. We keep everything seperate.

She uses her phone exclusively so access her PC/Mac would be a waste.

 

Only thing I could do is snopp through her phone but my 'morality' is saying not too.

Honestly I dont suspect much...aside from a crush growing...at least I hope.

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doyathinkso

So you think "We recently bought a house together so I cant just up and leave her over it..."

 

Well, oh yes you can.

 

Sell the house. It's a good market right now, might make a profit.

 

Why? Because she is not YOUR girlfriend anymore, not really. In her mind she is kind of cheating on J with you. Sorry.

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What?? You're afraid talking to her?

 

The most important thing, you MUST talk to her about is "Why did she lie to you about the nature of their relationship in the past"

 

Do you think that a liar gf is a thing you can just drop and let it slip? Sorry, for me it might have even been a deal breaker.

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salparadise

Let's assume that her activity with J is pretty innocent in the literal sense, no sexting or physical affair. Are you okay with having a girlfriend who is giving an ex-bf, someone she was probably having casual sex with before you came along, that much primary attention? Are you only concerned that she's not she's not currently banging him?

 

The problem is that her relationship with J is at the expense of your relationship. And there is no doubt that she is in a relationship with him, albeit not sexual or inappropriate in the most literal sense, at least not at this time. What do you think she's getting out of it? Why does she keep it on the down low? How would she feel if you were doing the same thing with an ex-girlfriend. What do you believe is the fundamental interest that draws them together and keeps this going at a fever pitch?

 

The deal is that there are some women who naturally have good boundaries, can remain friendly with former lovers while still relegating them to the distant past and not siphoning energy and attention away from their primary relationship. Then, there are those who need and encourage a lot of sexualized attention from multiple men. They typically have weak boundaries, need the extra attention to bolster their sense of self, don't understand the implications of extracurricular relationships... or don't care as long as it feels good and they're able to get away with it. Your girlfriend is the latter.

 

Of course it doesn't feel right to you! The question then is, what are you going to do about it? You've taken talking off the table (not that it would do any good regardless), you can't break up because you just bought a house together. All that's left is for you to suck it up and accept that even though you're the one taking care of her sexual needs at the moment, you are coming in a distant second in terms of who she's thinking about and communicating with all day long. If you're okay with that, if it doesn't concern you that you aren't getting her undivided attention, or even her primary attention, then carry on and enjoy your little triangular thing with J being the man at the top... as long as he's not smashing it all's good, right?

 

Otherwise, if it bothers you and decide that this is no way to live... something will have to change. Perhaps when J comes back from deployment and your girlfriend starts having gaps in her timeline when she's MIA you'll feel more motivated.

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Superchicken

I agree with other poster.

Get a Real estate agent in, and get it appraised, and put on the market.

Get out of this relationship.

She will, in time, cheat on you with him.

Its inevitable, and what's worse, she does it openly, without taking your feelings into consideration.

 

 

Dude, drop the bomb on her, and tell her you need to be with someone that thinks of you, rather than someone else.

Please don't try and talk about it..

There's no talking. She's too into this guy, and will just drive her into secrecy.

 

 

Maybe, and its a remote maybe, she may come around, and block him.

But, dude, after the many years, and many contacts with him, it aint gonna happen !.

 

 

Sorry, but get out, and bail.

 

 

Get Tinder, install it, and openly use it in front of her.

Fix her red wagon up !.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

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OP here-

 

Thanks for all the responses.

 

The one response of "Shes lieing about their past relationship" tho I can say that I have never specifically asked about it so to say. All I know is what shes told me and at no point have I said "Did you date" or "Did you guys have an intimate relationship?" Guess if I did then she could lie but as of now I have only heard from her lips nothing about these things.

 

As for just 'selling'...sadly it isnt mine to sell. She propositioned me to come live with her. I am a single dad (15year old son) and she said "Hey, I wanna buy this house and want you and your son to join me. I want him to live in this better area and go to better schools and I want us to take this relationship to the next level. I dont want you to have to leave him for us do things. I want us to be able to spend time together and you not to drop him at his grandparents or leave him at home alone for a few hours"

Their has been no change in her as this has been going on also to set off an alarms. We still have sex at our usual pace (about 3 times a week) and we still carry on like business as usual at home (we both work but I fix/paint/yard work etc.. and she cooks for us every night/cleans/washing clothes etc..)

She has even tried to become a "mother" type figure to mybson and that also hasnt waivered. Just yesterday she was pestering me to convince him come work with her as a junior intern this summer.

Even this week we have date set up for Wed night shes excited for (concert) and meet with a carpenter on Fri to pick out new doors.

 

To be honest tho, I've slipped into a 'funk' sort of like a quasi depression over the last 3 weeks (started the night I saw her Snapchat list and he was at the top. Last night was his "Awww, that face" comment.")

She has asked whats wrong and Ive stupidly attributed it to work stress rather then been honest.

I know she is suspect tho it concerns her cause I have been rather melancholy to her compliments. Like she has this obsession with grabbing my ass and I dont dont feel like my usual self being flirty back. Also her compliments on my looks like "Your so hot/cute" Ive met back with "I wish that was true"...to which she got very angry about so now I just respond back "Thanks" devoid of what usually would a smile and a bit of joy from hearing her say it.

 

Yesterday and todays interactions were a bit 'Overboard' for her tho.

LOT of complimenting and continuously wanting to pull me into hugs/snuggles.

And this morning was far from the norm. I awoke to her rubbing my back and nibbling on it. Then pushing my hair out of my face telling me how sexy I was. Even as she was eating breakfast she wanted to hold hands across the table. All sweet but a little much then she usually is.

She did keep making comments tho, kept saying "Geez, you hate me." numerous times. I did respond to it and told her to knock it off and it was far from the truth.

 

I feel as if my approach should like such to finally confront this, please tell me if this is wrong and if anyone could please help me word and get my feelings across sensible...when I often have an issue I can lose my cool, ramble, and as smart as I like to think I am I have a huge track record being gas lighted by women and/or always finding myself apologizing for my feelings so to say..

So heres how I plan on approaching it..

The next time his name comes up I plan on being sarcastic about it so to say..

If she says "Well XYZ about J" I plan on saying "Wow, your gonna give both of us a crush on him!"

I'm guessing this response will trigger a response from her allowing me to stay level headed and act like I dont care and was being facetious but explain why.

Kind of like "Hey, I dont know what the deal is between you guys nor do I give a crap, all I'm saying is XYZ reasons etc.. and it seems that way"

If my chance the next instance of him is me visibly seeing a text come through/snap/her in convo with him etc.. then I plan on just approaching it very level headedly saying "Wow, you guys are pretty close as of late. You rekindle that friendship pretty hard it seems." then from their dive into specifics of what Ive seen, how much she talks about him etc..

 

I dont wanna just do what I did the last two times and lose my cool. I honestly dont have the fire in my belly like I did the last 2 times I confronted her about a "guy friend" that rubbed me the wrong way.

 

I do get to some extent what she does..she is a bit introverted, refuses usally to leave the house unless I accompany her. She had very little friends and when we got together she pretty much abandoned them and nights we didnt go out she stayed home instead. Even now I pressure her to go do stuff with friends when I am at work and she refuses. Her whole life revolves around only going out with me and when I'm not home shes glued to social media/texting. So this in part makes me think to some degree shes clung to him all of a sudden due to having a new person to chat with a bunch.

 

And as I said I dont have anything 'overly incriminating' that I've seen between them in writing.

All Ive seen like I said are 3 partial convos..

See, when an iPad is jostled the screen comes on and it shows messages recieved on its screen. It doesnt show her responses but it shows his text..

The 3 I saw, or should I say his responses to whatever they were talking about..

1. Him talking about his wife. What looks to be her asking about how it kust be hard for her to do it alone while he is deployed. Him saying he plans on surprising her when he gets home.

2. His responses to her inquiring about asking his father if he could sell us a riding mower

3. Him telling her about how you theirs no alcohol in the middle east and how crazy it was.

 

So thats all I've visibly been able to read in passing while the iPad was near me...

Sadly nothing I could use as ammo.

As it stands my 'ammo' are the reasons Ive states in the opening post. All which I guess will be met with her saying I am insecure, saying how they are just friends, saying she would never hurt me, etc..

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OP here-

 

Thanks for all the responses.

 

The one response of "Shes lieing about their past relationship" tho I can say that I have never specifically asked about it so to say. All I know is what shes told me and at no point have I said "Did you date" or "Did you guys have an intimate relationship?" Guess if I did then she could lie but as of now I have only heard from her lips nothing about these things.

 

As for just 'selling'...sadly it isnt mine to sell. She propositioned me to come live with her. I am a single dad and she said "Hey, I wanna buy this house and want you and your son to join me. I want to live in this better area and go to better schools and I want us to take this relationship to the next level."

Their has been no change in her as this has been going on also to set off an alarms. We still have sex at our usual pace (about 3 times a week) and we still carry on like business as usual at home (we both work but I fix/paint/yard work etc.. and she cooks for us every night/cleans/washing clothes etc..)

She has even tried to become a "mother" type figure to mybson and that also hasnt waivered. Just yesterday she was pestering me to convince him come work with her as a junior intern this summer.

Even this week we have date set up for Wed night shes excited for (concert) and meet with a carpenter on Fri to pick out new doors.

 

To be honest tho, I've slipped into a 'funk' sort of like a quasi depression over the last 3 weeks (started the night I saw her Snapchat list and he was at the top. Last night was his "Awww, that face" comment.")

She has asked whats wrong and Ive stupidly attributed it to work stress rather then been honest.

I know she is suspect tho it concerns her cause I have been rather melancholy to her compliments. Like she has this obsession with grabbing my ass and I dont dont feel like my usual self being flirty back. Also her compliments on my looks like "Your so hot/cute" Ive met back with "I wish that was true"...to which she got very angry about so now I just respond back "Thanks" devoid of what usually would a smile and a bit of joy from hearing her say it.

 

Yesterday and todays interactions were a bit 'Overboard' for her tho.

LOT of complimenting and continuously wanting to pull me into hugs/snuggles.

And this morning was far from the norm. I awoke to her rubbing my back and nibbling on it. Then pushing my hair out of my face telling me how sexy I was. Even as she was eating breakfast she wanted to hold hands across the table. All sweet but a little much then she usually is.

She did keep making comments tho, kept saying "Geez, you hate me." numerous times. I did respond to it and told her to knock it off and it was far from the truth.

 

I feel as if my approach should like such to finally confront this, please tell me if this is wrong and if anyone could please help me word and get my feelings across sensible...when I often have an issue I can lose my cool, ramble, and as smart as I like to think I am I have a huge track record being gas lighted by women and/or always finding myself apologizing for my feelings so to say..

So heres how I plan on approaching it..

The next time his name comes up I plan on being sarcastic about it so to say..

If she says "Well XYZ about J" I plan on saying "Wow, your gonna give both of us a crush on him!"

I'm guessing this response will trigger a response from her allowing me to stay level headed and act like I dont care and was being facetious but explain why.

Kind of like "Hey, I dont know what the deal is between you guys nor do I give a crap, all I'm saying is XYZ reasons etc.. and it seems that way"

If my chance the next instance of him is me visibly seeing a text come through/snap/her in convo with him etc.. then I plan on just approaching it very level headedly saying "Wow, you guys are pretty close as of late. You rekindle that friendship pretty hard it seems." then from their dive into specifics of what Ive seen, how much she talks about him etc..

 

I dont wanna just do what I did the last two times and lose my cool. I honestly dont have the fire in my belly like I did the last 2 times I confronted her about a "guy friend" that rubbed me the wrong way.

 

I do get to some extent what she does..she is a bit introverted, refuses usally to leave the house unless I accompany her. She had very little friends and when we got together she pretty much abandoned them and nights we didnt go out she stayed home instead. Even now I pressure her to go do stuff with friends when I am at work and she refuses. Her whole life revolves around only going out with me and when I'm not home shes glued to social media/texting. So this in part makes me think to some degree shes clung to him all of a sudden due to having a new person to chat with a bunch.

 

And as I said I dont have anything 'overly incriminating' that I've seen between them in writing.

All Ive seen like I said are 3 partial convos..

See, when an iPad is jostled the screen comes on and it shows messages recieved on its screen. It doesnt show her responses but it shows his text..

The 3 I saw, or should I say his responses to whatever they were talking about..

1. Him talking about his wife. What looks to be her asking about how it kust be hard for her to do it alone while he is deployed. Him saying he plans on surprising her when he gets home.

2. His responses to her inquiring about asking his father if he could sell us a riding mower

3. Him telling her about how you theirs no alcohol in the middle east and how crazy it was.

 

So thats all I've visibly been able to read in passing while the iPad was near me...

Sadly nothing I could use as ammo.

As it stands my 'ammo' are the reasons Ive states in the opening post. All which I guess will be met with her saying I am insecure, saying how they are just friends, saying she would never hurt me, etc..

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doyathinkso

Well, if and when this all goes sideways on you at least you don't have to worry about the house. You can just walk and stop paying whatever you are.

 

It's entirely her problem, not yours. You weren't naive enough to put your name on it were you?

 

Don't get sucked in by the 'sunk cost fallacy'. Look it up. Don't be that guy.

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Well, if and when this all goes sideways on you at least you don't have to worry about the house. You can just walk and stop paying whatever you are.

 

It's entirely her problem, not yours. You weren't naive enough to put your name on it were you?

 

Don't get sucked in by the 'sunk cost fallacy'. Look it up. Don't be that guy.

 

Nope, I didnt put my name on anything.

Basically she saw a house, sold me on the idea of living with her, then she dumped her life savings into it.

Honestly if I were to move out she would have to decide on if she wants to pay the mortage or eat, or have lights, or cable etc.. basically she is screwed with out me.

Financially if I left I could afford an apartment but my savings isnt exactly enough for me get my oen house. I sold my own to make the move then used my money to pay all my debts off and have been slowly re-building my savings. Also I am an independent contractor and got screwed by the IRS this year and ended up paying them off with some of my savings as well as still oweing a bit over 5grand.

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Have you told her that her friendship with her ex-whatever bothers you, and that it seems to be taking the focus away from your own relationship with her? If not, then you need to do that, or accept that she has a close friend (that may or may not be more than strictly platonic).

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doyathinkso

You know she is not going to have her 'come to Jesus ' moment until you show her that you are completely serious about ending it.

 

Tell her that she can stay friends with J and do whatsoever she wants with him but you will no longer be in the picture. Tell her you and your kid will be moving out as soon as you can find a suitable apartment and good luck with the house payments. Then do it.

 

Should she pull her cranium out of her rectal orifice and see the light, well maybe you can rethink things. If she doesn't, well okay then. Move on.

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So..I did it. Hands shaking I text her at work and told her what I saw/thought.

 

Her response was..

 

"You have nothing to worry about. Are families are close, in fact his mother was at my work a few weeks ago telling me how he was sad cause all his old friends have no time for him. Hes basically deployed over in Kuwait with nothing to do or anyone to talk to so he gets bored and Snaps a bunch. Plus, he is a good guy and when my life was rough (she caught her LTR with a 16 year old girl and walked out on him. So she was homeless for 3 months when she was 25)

Also, I am CRAZY about you..and have you seen his wife?! Shes a beautiful blonde Eastern European chick who is a fitness nut and looks AMAZING. He is obsessed in love eith her like I am about you! I'm happy you asked and it wasnt a fight, I love you and only you and hes just a good guy bored and lonely who talks about his wife and dogs to me or we send funny memes."

 

Then she just asked me to run to the farmers market for tomatoes so she could make Tacos tonight..

 

Maybe I am being dumb?

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So..I did it. Hands shaking I text her at work and told her what I saw/thought.

 

Her response was..

 

"You have nothing to worry about. Are families are close, in fact his mother was at my work a few weeks ago telling me how he was sad cause all his old friends have no time for him. Hes basically deployed over in Kuwait with nothing to do or anyone to talk to so he gets bored and Snaps a bunch. Plus, he is a good guy and when my life was rough (she caught her LTR with a 16 year old girl and walked out on him. So she was homeless for 3 months when she was 25)

Also, I am CRAZY about you..and have you seen his wife?! Shes a beautiful blonde Eastern European chick who is a fitness nut and looks AMAZING. He is obsessed in love eith her like I am about you! I'm happy you asked and it wasnt a fight, I love you and only you and hes just a good guy bored and lonely who talks about his wife and dogs to me or we send funny memes."

 

Then she just asked me to run to the farmers market for tomatoes so she could make Tacos tonight..

 

Maybe I am being dumb?

 

 

Okay, maybe I'm going against the current here but IMO, you got a great girl. Don't screw it up...the explanation sounds very believable to me. Ask her to set up a meet up for the four of you next time he's stateside and see how she responds. I'll bet she will be happy you're interested and open to meeting her BF...

 

Don't mope, believe her until you see something inappropriate or that can't be denied....I am normally a skeptic but if she's lying, she's really really good. I personally do not think she's lying though.

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doyathinkso

If you believe her you believe her.

Go with your gut. If it's okay, you're okay.

BUT ..... if and when this J is back in your neighborhood be ever vigilant. Maybe he's just a horn-dog and she doesn't get it .... until she does.

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It's great, if her response is true. Ask to see her unlocked phone. Explain how 'delicate' male ego is, and she should have no problems showing you ALL the texts... if she hesitates, or worse comes back at a later time and shows you a deleted phone, then you have your answer. Then calmly tell her you are going to reverse the roles. You are going to install a texting app on your phone, such as Kik. Then you are going to start texting and chatting with an old girlfriend you used to have sex with whom you haven't seen in years at all hours of the day and night. You are not going to unlock your phone, and you are not going to show her the messages. If she questions you about it, you are going to tell her she has nothing to worry about, that she is inventing stuff in her head. That you and this girl are just 'friends'... Then ask her how that would make her feel...? What she says determines your next steps.

 

Since you confronted her, you need to bring this up when she gets home. Deal with it head on. There should be NO secrecy between partners, and she should agree with that. If she doesn't, well, nothing lasts forever, including relationships.

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I would tend to believe her if she didn't have a financial incentive to keep him around.

 

As far people from the past go, I know that doors can be opened even if they are currently closed. She's jimmying the lock. Getting involved emotionally even if there's not a physical affair at this point.

 

One way cheaters conpensate for their actions is by being overly affectionate at home. Needing him to financially maintain the household just makes this all an uncomfortable situation for me. I understand OP feeling the way he does. My Spidey sense would be tingling too.

 

I wouldn't confront her about anything. Wouldn't ask about it anymore. I'd just be watchful. Observant. While preparing to move if necessary.

 

If nothing happens and he wants to stick around, then stick around. If things make a turn for worse, he'd be prepared to make a quick escape.

 

This is why I refuse to live with women I'm not married to. Anymore. Yep, I've done it repeatedly without good results. The next woman that lives with me, I'll carry her over the threshold AFTER the wedding. After a thorough period of vetting ... umm ... dating. :D

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Sorry but I don't believe tht and here's why ...

 

His wife's hot right ? So why Isnt he talking to her at all hours of the days ?!

 

He gets lonely because he's deployed ? So why doesn't he snap all those friends and people he misses everyday ?!

 

If he's obsessed and in love with his wife he should be loyal and only talking to his wife not some girl thousands of miles from home on a daily basis

 

I think your gf thinks she doesn't have a shot or she would be right there but that's just me thinking out loud

 

I don't get a good feeling and I hope I'm wrong

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Space Ritual
So..I did it. Hands shaking I text her at work and told her what I saw/thought.

 

Her response was..

 

"You have nothing to worry about. Are families are close, in fact his mother was at my work a few weeks ago telling me how he was sad cause all his old friends have no time for him. Hes basically deployed over in Kuwait with nothing to do or anyone to talk to so he gets bored and Snaps a bunch. Plus, he is a good guy and when my life was rough (she caught her LTR with a 16 year old girl and walked out on him. So she was homeless for 3 months when she was 25)

Also, I am CRAZY about you..and have you seen his wife?! Shes a beautiful blonde Eastern European chick who is a fitness nut and looks AMAZING. He is obsessed in love eith her like I am about you! I'm happy you asked and it wasnt a fight, I love you and only you and hes just a good guy bored and lonely who talks about his wife and dogs to me or we send funny memes."

 

Then she just asked me to run to the farmers market for tomatoes so she could make Tacos tonight..

 

Maybe I am being dumb?

 

Bro,

 

So she TOLD you all of this...like the Mother coming to her work...and the Wife being hot..etc. She TOLD you.

 

For someone who is not interested in her ex, she sure knows alot about his current life.

 

Let me tell you something.

 

There is more than one thread on this subforum and others that have the component of pleas of "I Love Only You" and then goes into along explanation of current events concerning the other person, only to discover much later that it was all a a bunch of Malarkey.

 

Your Girlfriend is a Liar.

 

Ask to see her phone...Since Snapchat usually deletes the texts then you won;t get much evidence form it...but you'll get all the answer you need form the look on her face when you ask her for it.

 

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

Believe what you want to believe but in your shoes I'd be looking for an excuse to run form such unnecessary drama.

 

But don;pt take my word for it. Read around here, and in other subforums that have to do with infidelity. A lot of stupidity ensues form the stupidity of claiming "The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants."

 

I think you have a Mess O Potamia on your hands.

 

Good Luck.

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When I was in the military the only person I talked to on a regular basis was my wife. Had no time to talk with anyone else except my dad and mom once a month.

 

There is a problem with the amount of time he is talking with her. Agree with the poster above. Why is he not talking to his wife? Something is not right.

 

The thing that gets me is her snapping at you when you said you aren't even is the top three.

 

After the two of you read not just friends. You need to read "No More Mr Nice Guy". Or read it on your spare time.

 

Let us know how it goes. It might not be an affair yet but it is close to a EA now.

 

One more thing, I guy can only take so much of hearing his wife or gf talk about how great another guy is. It will drive a wedge between the two of you and you will start feeling resentment towards your gf because of it.

 

Simply tell her. I know j is a great guy to you. He is your friend ok, I don't know him. I hope he stays safe while deployed and comes home safely to his wife but I am kind of tried of hearing about him day in day out.

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Superchicken

I tend to agree with USA above's post.

 

 

You don't keep chatting with someone so much, unless its your wife/partner.

OK, maybe nothing has happened just yet, but, there is a emotional connection here.

It may not be "Love" in the total sense, but, there is feelings here from her and him.

She should be texting you instead of him. Snapping you instead of him.

 

 

How can the dude, after spending a whole day walking around with a backpack, and rifle in his hand, go back to his bunk, and want to text her all night long.

 

 

Its good she's telling you these things, but, you need to also let her see how it looks not just to you, but others from the outside.

 

 

Maybe, allow her to possibly do a couple of texts, snaps a day.

They can certainly concise it down to one text, if they wanted too.

Why would he describe what colour the toilet paper or whatever, was just because he thought of her at the time..

 

 

Turn the tables on her, and see how she would feel if you texted a women all day everyday and night, with pictures back and forth.

See what she says to that.

 

 

I think she sounds like a good person, but, she doesn't understand human emotions, and possible problems that arise from reciprocating those feelings to someone else not their partner.

 

 

Ted.

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Sorry kgcolonel, and OP...

 

What the initial posters said is true. She is into him. Frankly, I would say that she is IN LOVE WITH HIM.

 

If he was local for a day, she would be out banging him just as fast and as long as she could before he went back to where ever.

 

And why isn't he chatting with his wife all day instead of YOUR SO CALLED GF?

 

She is having an emotional affair with him. If he was around it would be a physical affair.

 

You however a "really nice guy" who "she is crazy about". By the way, she is not "deeply and hopelessly in love with you" but hey at least she is "crazy about you".

 

At some point this woman will cheat on you with him of someone else because she has poor boundaries.

 

If you want to believe what she told you, OK that is fine. In a year from now, maybe two, you will be back saying..."You guys were all right, how could I have been so stupid".

 

Good luck...

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Ooof, you guys really kicked me in the teeth reading these responses lol

 

I was kinda "ok" and feeling confident after I talked to her but now I'm back in 'stressed mode'.

 

I'm not gonna ask to see her phone just yet..I cant push myself to break that boundary just yet.

And besides, its Snapchat and even more then that...shes smart, smart enough to delete stuff.

 

Guess my only option is to keep my eyes peeled and ears open and see what happens all while preparing myself to make a hastly exit if need be.

 

She was 'up' tempo again this morning and sweet. Not that isnt but shes, like I said, cranked it to 11 these last 3 days. Today before she left for work she reached under the sheets while I was sleeping and grabbed my d*ck! I was like "whoa, wtf?!" and she laughed and said "Hmm, guess I wont do that again" laughing. I responded by saying "Hey, wait, no..come back and get another tug in before you go" and we had a laugh.

 

Shes also been bugging me to take better care of myself. I commute an hour each way to work and work shift work and shes pressuring me to quit and take a lower paying job closer to home. Says we can make some financial changes cause shes tired of the stress it puts on me.

 

I dont know...I think she means well but I always worry any ounce of 'nice' from people or affection is just them having ulterior motives lol

 

I dont know, its like a roller coaster.

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