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Did I Cheat? I Think I Did


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guiltyandashamed

I've been with my BF for 2 years now, we love each other very much and hope to get married some day. He us the sweetest most perfect man... my soulmate, now i think I messed it up.

 

We had a girls trip to Vegas over memorial day long weekend, went to a pool party and we met some guys. This very attractive guy paid a lot of attention to me. I love getting attention from men and flirting but I know where to draw the line. So we hung out l, flirted, and drank a lot. After a few hours in most my friends and the sun and booze was getting to me so I was gonna go home, He said he would walk me to my room to make sure I was okay. I agreed.

 

We get to my room and I go to give him a hug good bye but as we were hugging we ended up somehow inside the room. He said he wanted to hang out and chat. I said okay but told him that I had a BF and nothing was gonna happen. He looked annoyed but agreed. We sat on the bed and chatt3d for a bit and then he started saying that we should have sex. I told him no and that he needs to leave the room. He said fine but the least I could do was get him off because I led him on and flirted with him all day and now i had him turned on. Before I could say anything his penis was out and he put my hand on it. He said I owed him this much. I dunno, maybe it was too much sun and alchohol but at the time what he said made sense and I felt bad for leading him on... so I did what he said... I have him oral sex.

 

It was a blur and happened so fast. When he as done .. I started crying. He said it was ok because I didn't really cheat because it wasn't real sex, we didn't kiss, and I was naked(my bikini was on but he was touching me under it) He said bye and left.

 

I feel horrible for what I've done. I want to tell my bf everything because I can't live with this guilt. My best friend tells me to keep this a secret because if he found out it would ruin any potential future we have. She said to just keep telling myself that I didn't really Cheat....

 

I don't know what to do... I love my bf so much but every time he kisses me all I can think about is what I did to him. I'm holding it together but barely,. When I'm by myself all ibdo is cry... I think I need to tell him but I'm scared at what will happen.... any advice on how I should proceed?

 

Guilty and Ashamed....

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Sounds like you were sexually assaulted....what more/worse would have happened if you adamantly refused this man?!?

 

But telling your boyfriend the story this way, you also cheated....tough one.

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crystalstevens
Sounds like you were sexually assaulted ....what more/worse would have happened if you adamantly refused this man?!?

 

But telling your boyfriend the story this way, you also cheated....tough one.

 

This. Tell your boyfriend, the truth will come out eventually. This jerk was straight up harassing you and trying to guilt you into having sex... and that's exactly what he did. I wouldn't blame the alcohol and the sun though, to a degree, you also have to take accountability for your actions.

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Art.at.Heart
Sounds like you were sexually assaulted....what more/worse would have happened if you adamantly refused this man?!?

 

But telling your boyfriend the story this way, you also cheated....tough one.

 

I'd be inclined to agree with this except for the fact that at no point in her post did she even come close to mentioning fear for her safety. She even admitted to flirting with and leading this guy on despite having a boyfriend. Add to the fact that she stated he was very attractive and it honestly sounds like she was just overwhelmed with her attraction to this guy in the moment.

 

With that said, the guy is definitely a creep. A major creep.

 

OP, you should tell your boyfriend everything. But he will question why you flirted with this guy, let him take you back to your room, and then let him inside. I'm not saying whether he'd be right or wrong to question these things but those key facts will most likely plant some seeds of doubt in his head as to whether or not he can trust you.

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Space Ritual
I've been with my BF for 2 years now, we love each other very much and hope to get married some day. He us the sweetest most perfect man... my soulmate, now i think I messed it up.

 

We had a girls trip to Vegas over memorial day long weekend, went to a pool party and we met some guys. This very attractive guy paid a lot of attention to me. I love getting attention from men and flirting but I know where to draw the line. So we hung out l, flirted, and drank a lot. After a few hours in most my friends and the sun and booze was getting to me so I was gonna go home, He said he would walk me to my room to make sure I was okay. I agreed.

 

We get to my room and I go to give him a hug good bye but as we were hugging we ended up somehow inside the room. He said he wanted to hang out and chat. I said okay but told him that I had a BF and nothing was gonna happen. He looked annoyed but agreed. We sat on the bed and chatt3d for a bit and then he started saying that we should have sex. I told him no and that he needs to leave the room. He said fine but the least I could do was get him off because I led him on and flirted with him all day and now i had him turned on. Before I could say anything his penis was out and he put my hand on it. He said I owed him this much. I dunno, maybe it was too much sun and alchohol but at the time what he said made sense and I felt bad for leading him on... so I did what he said... I have him oral sex.

 

It was a blur and happened so fast. When he as done .. I started crying. He said it was ok because I didn't really cheat because it wasn't real sex, we didn't kiss, and I was naked(my bikini was on but he was touching me under it) He said bye and left.

 

I feel horrible for what I've done. I want to tell my bf everything because I can't live with this guilt. My best friend tells me to keep this a secret because if he found out it would ruin any potential future we have. She said to just keep telling myself that I didn't really Cheat....

 

I don't know what to do... I love my bf so much but every time he kisses me all I can think about is what I did to him. I'm holding it together but barely,. When I'm by myself all ibdo is cry... I think I need to tell him but I'm scared at what will happen.... any advice on how I should proceed?

 

Guilty and Ashamed....

 

 

The title of your post says it all.

 

If you "Think " you cheated. You did.

 

 

Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for our actions be they good or bad. Start acting like one and give your boyfriend the respect he deserves by allowing him to find someone who won't have to wonder aloud if they cheated or not on top of exposing him to an STD.

 

Grow up!

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you cheated .

ethically you should tell him .

not sure however if he will forgive you .

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You don't have any boundaries. It seems like you're not mature enough to be in a committed relationship yet.

 

You both need to break it off until you're older more mature.

 

It's a mistake committing when you're young.

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healing light

This sounds like sexual assault to me. You were drunk, said no, asked him to leave, and he pressured you into the act. You were left in tears.

 

I would come clean to your boyfriend, talk to a physician, and do a follow up check in a few months (I know this might sound extreme to people but you can catch certain STDs through oral.). Don't be ashamed to seek out a therapist if you can't get over the trauma of the situation.

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You need to be a little more grown up than this, you say you hugged him and then you were in your room. So obviously quite a full on hug. Then had oral, obviously enough to consider cheating, imagine if your bf gave a girl oral?

 

I also wouldnt say you were sexuaply assualted because you gave him oral becauss ypu felt bad or leading him on, had you been like. I seems like you chnged your mind to me

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I love getting attention from men and flirting

 

Your boyfriend knows this, so that's on him.

 

You likely both have poor boundaries.

 

but I know where to draw the line. So we hung out l, flirted, and drank a lot. He said he would walk me to my room to make sure I was okay. I agreed.

 

The line is drawn at having a laugh.

 

You put yourself in a position to have sex.

 

 

We get to my room and I go to give him a hug good bye but as we were hugging we ended up somehow inside the room. He said he wanted to hang out and chat. I said okay but told him that I had a BF and nothing was gonna happen.

 

He was following your actions instead of your words.

 

Much like I'm doing lol

 

We sat on the bed and chatt3d for a bit and then he started saying that we should have sex. I told him no and that he needs to leave the room. He said fine but the least I could do was get him off because I led him on and flirted with him all day and now i had him turned on. Before I could say anything his penis was out and he put my hand on it. He said I owed him this much. I dunno, maybe it was too much sun and alchohol but at the time what he said made sense and I felt bad for leading him on... so I did what he said... I have him oral sex.

 

It was a blur and happened so fast. When he as done .. I started crying. He said it was ok because I didn't really cheat because it wasn't real sex, we didn't kiss, and I was naked(my bikini was on but he was touching me under it) He said bye and left.

 

“I did what he said. It was a blur. We didn't kiss. Etc”.

 

The lack of accountability throughout is pretty crazy.

 

You gave this guy head for goodness sake! :lmao:

 

I feel horrible for what I've done. I want to tell my bf everything because I can't live with this guilt. My best friend tells me to keep this a secret because if he found out it would ruin any potential future we have. She said to just keep telling myself that I didn't really Cheat....

 

Your feelings are hurt.

 

I don't know what to do... I love my bf so much but every time he kisses me all I can think about is what I did to him. I'm holding it together but barely,. When I'm by myself all ibdo is cry... I think I need to tell him but I'm scared at what will happen.... any advice on how I should proceed?

 

I'm not sure that you understand the position that you put him in.

 

If he has any pride in himself, he'll dump you. That's completely regardless of how much he might like you.

 

So, it's between you or his pride. Which do you think he will he choose? And would you even be able to respect a man that would accept this sillyness from his girlfriend anyway?

Edited by Bastile
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Superchicken

Give me a break !.

You may fool some of the people here, or, they are being kind.

But, you knew EXACTLY what you were doing, and knew where it was leading too.

You had more than enough moments to stop it, you didn't, and so again, you knew where it would lead too.

 

 

Your just sorry now, because of the guilt, well, good. You want to get rid of it, then fess up.

Till then, you like the other lying cheats out there.

At least get rid of of the lying part, and be a cheat.

At least, you may have a chance with you BF.

"Somehow in the room", come on, I heard everything now !.

Cant even tell the truth here, and yet, you want to express your guilt.

Man, and to boot, you gave him a BJ because YOU wanted too, not because of any other reason.

Utter trash in blaming the other guy. He's just a horny, guy, and you were in total control at all times. Heck, there more guys out there just like him. You going to service them too ?.

 

 

I feel so bad for your BF.

 

 

Ted.

Edited by Superchicken
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I've been with my BF for 2 years now, we love each other very much and hope to get married some day. He us the sweetest most perfect man... my soulmate, now i think I messed it up.

 

We had a girls trip to Vegas over memorial day long weekend, went to a pool party and we met some guys. This very attractive guy paid a lot of attention to me. I love getting attention from men and flirting but I know where to draw the line. So we hung out l, flirted, and drank a lot. After a few hours in most my friends and the sun and booze was getting to me so I was gonna go home, He said he would walk me to my room to make sure I was okay. I agreed.

 

We get to my room and I go to give him a hug good bye but as we were hugging we ended up somehow inside the room. He said he wanted to hang out and chat. I said okay but told him that I had a BF and nothing was gonna happen. He looked annoyed but agreed. We sat on the bed and chatt3d for a bit and then he started saying that we should have sex. I told him no and that he needs to leave the room. He said fine but the least I could do was get him off because I led him on and flirted with him all day and now i had him turned on. Before I could say anything his penis was out and he put my hand on it. He said I owed him this much. I dunno, maybe it was too much sun and alchohol but at the time what he said made sense and I felt bad for leading him on... so I did what he said... I have him oral sex.

 

It was a blur and happened so fast. When he as done .. I started crying. He said it was ok because I didn't really cheat because it wasn't real sex, we didn't kiss, and I was naked(my bikini was on but he was touching me under it) He said bye and left.

 

I feel horrible for what I've done. I want to tell my bf everything because I can't live with this guilt. My best friend tells me to keep this a secret because if he found out it would ruin any potential future we have. She said to just keep telling myself that I didn't really Cheat....

 

I don't know what to do... I love my bf so much but every time he kisses me all I can think about is what I did to him. I'm holding it together but barely,. When I'm by myself all ibdo is cry... I think I need to tell him but I'm scared at what will happen.... any advice on how I should proceed?

 

Guilty and Ashamed....

 

1 Drinking and flirting while wearing a bikini with a man all day is being

on a date with that man.

 

You justified it as hanging out.

 

2 There is only on reason why a man wants to escort a woman back to

her room and that is to get into the room and then the woman.

 

You chose to ignore this fact and instead justified him bringing you to

your room.

 

3 You had sex with the man.

 

You found a way to justify that by placing the blame on that man.

 

4 Your post is about you shifting blame from you to the other man.

 

There is no justification.

 

 

There are three options for you:

 

 

1 Do not tell your BF.

 

Which is only lying (by omission) to BF after you cheated on him.

 

2 Break up with your BF and do not tell him what you did with the other

man.

 

You get to avoid telling the truth yet will leave your BF thinking it was

his fault you dumped him. Which results in another lie.

 

3 Tell your BF what you did and let him decide to break it off with you

or stay.

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Yes, you cheated. If the way you tell it is true, you are at fault, but that pushy jerk is even more to blame. "You lead me on so you owe it to me to get me off" is the kind of crap that happens too much and it should not. If he was a nice guy he might have been disappointed and had to go back to his room and take care of himself or something. But what he did is inexcusable. Yes, you contributed to it. But it was him who practically forced himself on you. Maybe not rape, but not far from it. I thought people had learned about "enthusiastic consent" and about if someone is too inebriated to give consent. But I guess the word has not gotten out to everyone!

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Space Ritual
1 Drinking and flirting while wearing a bikini with a man all day is being

on a date with that man.

 

You justified it as hanging out.

 

2 There is only on reason why a man wants to escort a woman back to

her room and that is to get into the room and then the woman.

 

You chose to ignore this fact and instead justified him bringing you to

your room.

 

3 You had sex with the man.

 

You found a way to justify that by placing the blame on that man.

 

4 Your post is about you shifting blame from you to the other man.

 

There is no justification.

 

 

There are three options for you:

 

 

1 Do not tell your BF.

 

Which is only lying (by omission) to BF after you cheated on him.

 

2 Break up with your BF and do not tell him what you did with the other

man.

 

You get to avoid telling the truth yet will leave your BF thinking it was

his fault you dumped him. Which results in another lie.

 

3 Tell your BF what you did and let him decide to break it off with you

or stay.

 

 

Road my man, we already know the way this is gonna go. It will be Option number 1. And we both know that it will simply get easier with time for OP to justify it, hence allow it to happen again on some girls weekend or girls night out.

Then she will eventually run afoul of one of her Girlfriends over one of these "flirting" incidents and then she will have to walk on eggshells for a few weeks to figure out if this person is gonna spill the beans on her or not.

 

Sad but totally predictable. lol

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Sorry but you knew exactly what you were doing. How did a hand job turn into a blow job is beyond me. You need to work on your need to have attention from other men if you plan to marry. Don't marry because you are far from ready. You were not assaulted but wanted what you did with this good looking guy.

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You don't need to tell him any details....just tell him you are breaking up with him because you did something unforgivable on your trip, then walk away. It's over darlin, just own it.

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guiltyandashamed

Thank you everyone for your advice and input. I've come to the realization that I have to tell my BF. It is not fair to him to keep this a secret...

 

That being said...That being said, Yes, I like getting attention from men, and yes I occasionally flirt with other men, but that does not mean that I am looking for anything sexual. That night, everything happened so fast. No I did not want him to come into my room, no I didn't want to have sex with him. I told him as much. Yes, I may have flirted and led him on... I guess I'm a horrible person...but I didn't want anything more. Its just...when he told me to give him oral, I did it because I didn't think he was going to leave, I felt bad for leading him on.. I dunno... I dunno why I did it. Some of you have mentioned sexual assault.. While I did say no to intercourse, I guess I didn't say no to oral...even though I didn't want to. So ultimately it is my fault this happened to me.

 

I'm having difficulty coping. I am very depressed and just bareley keeping it together when I'm with my BF. Im also terrified of going to the clinic. We've had sex several times since I returned and I would hate myself enough more If I gave him something.... I will tell him soon, he will be crushed, then he will leave me. I dreamt about marriage and kids and a family with this man.. now ive gone and messed it up. Im 22, I guess that still leaves me with enough time to find someone else who loves me... hopefully I don't mess that up too.

Edited by guiltyandashamed
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doyathinkso

Oh, just keep on 'occasionally' flirting with other men while you have a boyfriend who thinks he's in a relationship with you and you will most definitely 'mess up' again.

 

As long as you are flirting with other men YOU are not in a relationship, neither an honest nor mature one anyway.

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You definitely need to tell your boyfriend sooner rather than later. Not doing so is nothing short of cruel and selfish. I was in your boyfriend's place but didn't find out until 21 years later. I still feel like I was played for a fool and resent her for it. I chose to stay, but mainly for the sake of my kids. I am also about 10 years from being able to retire and a divorce at this stage of my life would wipe me out and set my retirement back another 10 years. If I was 20 years younger and no kids, I would have walked away.

 

Tell your boyfriend now and let him make an informed decision as to whether he chooses to stay with you or leave you.

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Superchicken
Im also terrified of going to the clinic. .

 

Looks like you haven't told the full truth again..

Just admit you had intercourse as well.

I don't see why you left out this part.

So you went all the way, and explains the deep regret. BJ, although pretty bad, is not the ultimate, like Intercourse.

At least, in my eyes, this act is the most personal, and so this is the point of no return for me at least.

 

 

Others have a different view, and standard of acceptance and rejection.

But the longer you leave it, the worse he will take it, due to you hiding the fact, which compounds the problem.

You see, the next worst thing, and which actually portrays a person, is their dishonesty. Then, their continued dishonesty (Goes for all you people out there !).

 

 

In a way, I do feel bad for you, but not in the way you think.

Crikeys, there's so many things I would like to let go and pound your ear with, but, it seems your at least, partially getting it.

Your still blaming other elements in your reasoning, when it just boils down to ONE word "Excited". That's what you were, and why you did what you did..

 

 

You love attention, yet, you give none to you BF.

Shame, real shame.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

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ExpatInItaly

Your friend is wrong - this is cheating.

 

And yes, you do need to tell your boyfriend.

 

I do believe you felt pressured, however, it should never have gotten to that point to begin with. If you had exercised good judgment and not let your desire for attention override the desire to preserve the integrity of your relationship, this would never have happened.

 

I do not believe you didn't want him in your room, though. You could have easily shut that down and told him to go back and join your friends. You were playing with fire and you knew it. Unfortunately, that should be all the information you need to know that you're not committed to your boyfriend. Cut your him free. Date around and flirt, but don't do it on this poor guy's watch.

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Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

 

Look, if you're attractive enough, it's going to be virtually impossible to not interact with guys who want to sleep with you. However, it's then on you to take that knowledge and exercise safe boundaries. That is not the same as saying you are at fault for anything that may happen to you. It's just a matter of laying out safeguards to help prevent something from happening.

 

Talking at the pool, even being a bit flirtatious is one thing. And honestly, while I wouldn't like it to find out my girlfriend was doing something like that, I understand that ultimately, that in and of itself is not a crime.

 

Where you messed up was allowing this guy to come back to your room alone. You were at a hotel, not skid row, so escorting you to your room is less about your safety and more about increasing the odds of something sexually happening. At that point, it was on you to decline his invitation. At worst, have a friend also accompany you.

 

As soon as you mentioned this part, I knew the answer to your thread title was "Yes."

 

Tell your boyfriend, or at the very least, break up with him. I would be mortified in his place to find out months or years later that a woman I had chosen to be with had betrayed me the way you have breached his trust.

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OMG......you have been back for a while and you haven't told him yet????and you are having sex with him????? How do you live with yourself?

 

He's gonna think....I have been kissing her mouth where a strange guy's dick has been....gross!

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