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Friend's Wife


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I'll make this brief:

 

I am divorced a little over a year and casually dating a woman I like very, very much. We've been dating for about three months.

 

I attended a party over the past weekend with a large group of friends. One was this couple I've known for many years, and I've always gotten a vibe from the woman in this couple that she is interested in me romantically. I am attracted to her, too, but I have never done anything to indicate that.

 

When we are in a group setting, she positions herself around me, pays very close attention to me and is always talking and laughing at everything I say. This happens even at the expense of her interactions with her own husband, and has for years.

 

Now, I never gave this much thought because I would never act on it and it was never explicit, just mild flirting. Nothing that required much of a response from me.

 

This weekend was different. At one point, the two of us found ourselves alone in the kitchen at the end of the party, and she grabbed me and confessed that she'd always loved me and that the next time her husband is out of town she's going to call me.

 

I was shocked and immediately said no and that her husband is my friend and I would never do that to him, and that I love my girlfriend and that I have never cheated.

 

She was really upset at my reaction and started to cry and then almost immediately her husband walked into the room. She made up some story about why she was crying and they quickly left.

 

I have only told one person this story (I told my girlfriend, because she had to leave early and asked how the rest of the party went and we are always 100 percent honest with each other. She thought it was funny and didn't really talk much more about it.)

 

I guess I am not sure what to do, if anything. I don't want to lose this couple as friends - we get along great and we spend a lot of time together. And I don't want it to be awkward.

 

Should I pretend it didn't happen and just move on? Or do you think I should address the awkwardness with the wife in the scenario and assure her it is nothing personal? I worry that she is going to withdraw from seeing me and it will affect my relationship with her husband, even though nothing happened.

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I think the respectful thing to do would just to never be alone under any circumstance with your buddy's wife. Hang with him and never with her, let her know by your actions exactly where your loyalties lie.

 

You got a great GF as well...

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It's obvious they have issues in their marriage, and due to that, her crush on you has escalated to a full on obsession. Even tho you gave her the right answer...to her the rejection a just another blow to her already fragile self worth. Now if this was very very close friend, you could broach the subject in a gentle manner...like saying you are very concerned about his wife, and that her behavior was out of place...and you were shocked by her proposition. OR you can approach her and tell her she needs to work on her marriage....please do not say don't take it personally, because that will leave a glimmer of hope, you want to close that door, not leave it open a crack, and say the answer to her issues is not by having an affair......OR you can just leave it.

 

Me personally would just leave it but that's just me. I have been approached and hit on by a few of my friends husbands over the years, not asking for an affair, but trying to make a drunken pass, or trying to hold my hand....I just gave them a lecture, threatened to expose them, and left it at that. Never heard anymore about it. One got divorced and the other has had admitted issues...so why rub salt into the wounds. Plus when you are part of a close knit group, it can have some serious backlash from the others when you do expose them.

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GorillaTheater

I'm not sure the relationship is retrievable at this point, regardless of what you do. You certainly aren't going back to the status quo.

 

 

And I can't see not letting the husband, your friend, know what's going on. If you do, you may or may not see gratitude. He may just see you as a painful reminder of a wife running amok.

 

 

No really good solutions or outcomes. Just know that none of this is your fault.

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Her mistake doesn't obligate you to do anything. I would carry on like it never happened, other than being alone with her again.

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You did the right thing. What an honorable man would do. Congrats.

 

IMO you let that sleeping dog lie.

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You did the right thing. What an honorable man would do. Congrats.

 

IMO you let that sleeping dog lie.

 

I would add to this that you need to go NC with this woman.

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I wouldn't ignore it with him. he may or may not have an inkling what she gets up to. But I would save him the humiliation and play it off by saying something like, "I think ____her name___ maybe had one too many the other night. She was a bit wound up."

 

He might even confess she gets like this or not. But at least then it's not you being sneaky and keeping her secret entirely because you've opened the lines of communication with him. After that point, I wouldn't go into any more detail unless he at some point wants to tell you all about him having this problem with her before or something or asks you directly, at which point, you can just assure him, You know I am always going to be a gentleman, so you don't ever have to worry about me.

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Too late. Words can't be unsaid

 

You should tell your friend about his wife's proposition. But expect to lose that relationship

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You rejected her, and she is hurt. I think you should do nothing, and next time you see her you can add that you didn't reject her because you don't like her, but because you're against cheating. This reason hurts much less or even doesn't hurt at all. Afetr that you can still be friends with this couple.

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Thanks to all for the responses. I think my approach is going to be to wait a bit and see how our next interaction goes and to make sure that our interactions in the near future at least are more than just the four of us, or definitely not me and her. I think we need to be in groups, which is fine. No alone time for the two of us for sure.

 

She was one of those female friends with whom I would do things (dinner, shows, wine tasting, etc.) when her husband and my GF were not available because we always got along and nothing awkward like this ever happened. Obviously now that kind of thing is off the table. Even though I trust myself, I wouldn't want to send the wrong message to her, or my GF, or her husband, by creating that situation.

 

I don't think total NC is an option because we've been friends for so long and nothing physical actually happened, but I definitely won't be alone with her, and probably not do anything with them as a couple unless others are around as well.

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Space Ritual
No alone time for the two of us for sure.

 

Just remember that her admission to you and her subsequent reaction by bawling not only has embarrassed her, but she also is probably now afraid that you may in fact spill the beans to your friend or others.

 

In this case, although I understand you wanting to take a wait and see approach, it is not unheard of of someone who's affections have been unrequited to do a 180 and rewrite the interaction just in case it is revealed.

 

So do not be surprised if she may have told somebody else in a moment of being upset that you rebuffed her.When people are embarrassed like this they are capable of literally doing anything to cover their ass, including shifting blame onto another person. So tread lightly around her.

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Just remember that her admission to you and her subsequent reaction by bawling not only has embarrassed her, but she also is probably now afraid that you may in fact spill the beans to your friend or others.

 

In this case, although I understand you wanting to take a wait and see approach, it is not unheard of of someone who's affections have been unrequited to do a 180 and rewrite the interaction just in case it is revealed.

 

So do not be surprised if she may have told somebody else in a moment of being upset that you rebuffed her.When people are embarrassed like this they are capable of literally doing anything to cover their ass, including shifting blame onto another person. So tread lightly around her.

 

Good advice, thanks. That had not occurred to me, but I'll keep it in mind. The only people I'm really worried about are the two of them and my GF, and the latter already trusts that nothing has or would happen. I guess I just need to make sure she doesn't try to tell other people that I was the one coming on to her.

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Superchicken

Well, I see his not a good friend of yours to not tell him what his WIFE is doing.

My god, if my friend knew what MY wife has done (And with how many others) by offering herself, and dint tell me, well.

He wouldn't be a friend.

 

 

I don't care about what tripe is said about "Not your business".

Because once he is a friend, it becomes your business.

 

 

Man, you are COLD hearted.

You may actually even fix their relationship up before it goes too far, on the off chance its her first attempt to stray.

 

 

For everyone else, I know we all have an opinion on this, and mine can be taken right or wrong along with yours. But, man, if your wife is doing this, don't you want to know ?. Especially before she starts banging guys.

 

 

Ted.

Edited by Superchicken
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Well, I see his not a good friend of yours to not tell him what his WIFE is doing.

My god, if my friend knew what MY wife has done (And with how many others) by offering herself, and dint tell me, well.

He wouldn't be a friend.

 

 

I don't care about what tripe is said about "Not your business".

Because once he is a friend, it becomes your business.

 

 

Man, you are COLD hearted.

You may actually even fix their relationship up before it goes too far, on the off chance its her first attempt to stray.

 

 

For everyone else, I know we all have an opinion on this, and mine can be taken right or wrong along with yours. But, man, if your wife is doing this, don't you want to know ?. Especially before she starts banging guys.

 

 

Ted.

 

I suppose by telling him I *could" "fix their relationship" but I could just as easily destroy it, no? What if this is one 30-second drunken mistake and by telling him I plant a seed of mistrust in their relationship that ends with them splitting up? Would that be the warm-hearted thing to do?

 

Plus, I am not just friends with him, I am friends with her, too, and by outing her (when I honestly think this isn't necessarily indicative of a pattern of behavior since I've known them 20 years and this is the first sign of anything going this far) am I not also potentially being a bad friend to her?

 

I'm not saying it's "none of my business," and I do think it would be a good idea for me to subtly talk to her about the state of their marriage and maybe suggest they get counseling or something (I've been there - I was cheated on, so I know what I am talking about).

 

But if a friend of mine came to me when I was married and told me my wife had been hitting on him, I am not sure it would have done anything to "fix" my marriage. It probably would have hastened the end of it. In hindsight that may be a good thing for me, but can I be sure it would be good for them?

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I feel that your rejection might have jolted her or snapped her out of it, and hopefully will make her realize she better work with what she's got....the man that married her.

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Plus, I am not just friends with him, I am friends with her, too, and by outing her (when I honestly think this isn't necessarily indicative of a pattern of behavior since I've known them 20 years and this is the first sign of anything going this far) am I not also potentially being a bad friend to her?

 

?

 

Then be a friend to her. Talk to her and ask her what is going on that she would do something that could destroy her marriage and your 20 year friendship. Make it clear that you have no interest in a affair, would never do anything to hurt her Husband and that she has put you in a awkward position.

 

Lend a hand to someone who needs it. And that someone is your lady friend and her husband.

 

That is being a good friend to her.

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Superchicken

You smell smoke, and decide NOT to let the other person know, and allow them to lie dormant. This is not simply she spent a little too much on cloths, and lied about it.

 

 

No, no excuse. Will it hasten the separation ?, well, then be it. YOU didn't create the situation.

She did, and SHE needs to see whether she wants to stay in the relationship.

Same goes for your friend.

Its their decision where to go next, but you are making your friend a FOOL !.

Another poor sucker pulled into a poor or bad relationship.

Cheating is a personality trait, and once it rises its ugly head, its hard, and next to impossible to control or stop.

It becomes a daily thought, and as every day goes by, the more potential that person has to stray.

Again, you need to at least, get her to suggest to your friend to counselling, and see why their marriage is failing. She doesn't have to say that she hit on you, but I would at least feel better that she and your friend are attending counselling to see why their in a rut.

But man, do the right thing.

 

 

Ted.

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Coming from a low drama guy I see nothing for the OP to fix or clarify. He didn't do anything wrong, he isn't responsible for any issue here and I agree he said the right thing. Just because it wasn't received well in her ear doesn't make it his problem to fix. Stay away from getting involved with any possible marital issue of theirs and let it go.

 

She excused herself out of the situation so why dig into it?

You never know. She may think about it after the embarrassment wears off and apologize or get past it and act like it never happened

 

Not so long ago I had an offer that I passed on made by a Bank Exec. I was back in her office on business 2 weeks ago. She was initially colder and all business. By the end of the meeting she was back to her normal warm personality.

 

.

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I think if it was just a drunken mistake, she would have tried to kiss you or something.

 

She was very clear in her mind and had a plan for the two of you to get together for sex. That's the long and short of it.

 

It must be an awkward situation. As you are friends with both of them, I can see why you don't want to tell her husband.

 

The best thing you did was to tell your GF about it.

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