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Boyfriend says I'm not jealous enough?


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I am not a jelaous person, never have been. In fact, I dislike jelaousy in general and really don't appreciate seeing it from a partner. That's why I always thought that me and my boyfriend are on the same page in this particular area, since he's not the jelous type either.

 

Anyway, he went out last night with his co-workers. He's a really social and outgoing guy, he's also hilarious and girls can really fall for that.

 

Today, we were talking, he was telling me stories from their night out and he said that one of his female co-workers was throwing herself at him and how it was awkward because it was literally in front of everybody. I told him ''So what was the hold-up? Were you not drunk enough?'' It was clearly a joke and he laughed at first, but later on he told me how it bothered him. Apparently I never express any type of concern over these things and it almost seems like I couldn't care less.

 

I told him that it's not true, I care a lot about him, but I just don't see a point in being concerned over these things, plus I trust him.

 

How do you generally feel about these things? Do you need to see a bit of jelousy in your partner just so you know he/she cares?

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Jealousy is not love. It's insecurity. You made that joke because you know your own value & you know your BF wasn't going to dump you for that other woman. He on the other hand is insecure & thinks that you need to be freaking out or you don't care. Do not play his game. Show him what mature love & trust look like.

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Keep it simple: next time, show a little concern, that's all you need to do.

 

It would be no different if some guy was was hitting on you hard to the point of being annoying and your BF just sat there doing nothing about it. How would you feel?

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I'm somewhat like you and I especially wouldn't be jealous if I knew someone was intentionally trying to make me jealous.

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Jealousy is not love. It's insecurity. You made that joke because you know your own value & you know your BF wasn't going to dump you for that other woman. He on the other hand is insecure & thinks that you need to be freaking out or you don't care. Do not play his game. Show him what mature love & trust look like.

 

 

 

 

 

I completely agree with this. You do NOT need to show jealousy in order to show that you care. In fact, you're showing that you have a lot of confidence in yourself and know your worth. If he wants you to be jealous he's lacking in the self-worth department.

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You guys aren't getting it....insecurity is freaking out, interfering with the happiness of the relationship, paranoia, social media creeping, looking through messages, restricting their activities, unrealistic boundaries, checking up, etc.

 

He just wanted to feel valued that's all. I think everyone would like to have their so stand up and honor them in some way. It's human nature to have that desire to be desired.

 

He doesn't have "issues". He's always been level headed like she said in her post.

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Your bf has got some insecurity issues there.

 

Meh, maybe not. Noelle, maybe he just wanted you to at least pretend you care. ;) You did say that he isn't the jealous type either. Maybe he thought you were being dismissive to the point of not caring if he stays or goes, even though of course you do. He may take it to mean that you are sooo secure that you are taking him for granted?

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I think that a little jealousy is normal and healthy. What's a little? Who knows. Just nothing obsessive. We can split hairs all day about the definition of jealousy but what I am talking about is...when there is a little competition for your mate, I will make a comment about planting my foot in someone's posterior. I sort of hope to hear something similar from my SO if someone is checking me out.

 

It's all harmless and said in fun. It is, to me, an easy way to deepen your bond and in no way is it said out of feelings of insecurity.

 

In my life, if I am insecure, I will address that issue post haste and will handle it mercilessly. Jealousy? That's just a cute situation to let your SO know that you value them deeply.

 

This is just my point of view and I realize that folks can get out of hand with things like this.

 

I would have laughed at your comment personally and if you had followed up with a "I will scratch her eyes out" joke, I would have loved it.

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salparadise

I'll share an anecdote with you...

 

One time I stopped at the natural food store with my [former] girlfriend. One of the women who worked there, and with whom I had chatted from time to time, asked me about a recipe that I was buying ingredients for. I said I'd run a copy and bring it the next time. The woman was quite a bit more personable than usual, almost certainly because my gf was with me, and she jotted down her email address and phone number and said here, you can email or text it to me.

 

As we exited and headed for the car my girlfriend grabbed my arm, pulled me close and said, whew, I haven't felt so jealous in years! That was really affirming to me. Exactly the right reaction. No fuss or anything. I kissed her as we got to the car and told her she had nothing to worry about.

 

Jealousy serves an important evolutioinary function. That's why the behavior has proliferated rather than being extinguished. It's only crazy, irrational jealously that is unhealthy.

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Personally, I don't think you should feign concern if you don't feel it. That's just game playing.

 

He either needs to accept your emotional make-up, or move on.

 

This is different from someone wanting you to do certain things. Someone wanting you to *feel* a certain way is more binary. You either do or you don't.

 

Don't make up feelings to appease him.

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You guys aren't getting it....insecurity is freaking out, interfering with the happiness of the relationship, paranoia, social media creeping, looking through messages, restricting their activities, unrealistic boundaries, checking up, etc.

 

He just wanted to feel valued that's all. I think everyone would like to have their so stand up and honor them in some way. It's human nature to have that desire to be desired.

 

He doesn't have "issues". He's always been level headed like she said in her post.

 

 

 

While I see where you're coming from smackie, I think that she trusts him, and she knows that she's a prize and would be okay with or without him. Why does there have to be jealousy? Wouldn't it be nicer if both parties just trusted each other? There are other ways to show that you value your partner and their presence in your life, rather than being jealous/possessive.

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To elaborate, yes, it may be affirming to have someone occasionally express jealousy or insecurity as an indicator of how much they value you. Obviously, if it's done in a loving not controlling way.

 

Bur, for me, if I knew my SO was just putting that on for a show to make me feel better, it would mean absolutely nothing. Because it would not, in fact, be meaningful.

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A big, fake show...no. Maybe just not this:

 

I told him ''So what was the hold-up? Were you not drunk enough?'' It was clearly a joke and he laughed at first, but later on he told me how it bothered him. Apparently I never express any type of concern over these things and it almost seems like I couldn't care less.

 

That's all.

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My advice....stop being so stuck in your ways, and remember listen to your partner, not hear but really listen. Even tho you are not jealous, the response you gave him, like one poster mentioned, was more of a put down, than a "I trust you" moment.

 

I'm like you I'm not a jealous person either. My husband was in a band for years, and he got hit on right in front of me, but I never reacted. My sister in law would keep elbowing me and say, "are you not going to do something about that?"

 

BUT I don't believe for one moment you didn't feel a small twinge of jealousy....we all feel it. There are some of us that hate to admit it or let it get to us. I'll admit it, I'm one of those.

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Personally, I don't think you should feign concern if you don't feel it. That's just game playing.

 

He either needs to accept your emotional make-up, or move on.

 

This is different from someone wanting you to do certain things. Someone wanting you to *feel* a certain way is more binary. You either do or you don't.

 

Don't make up feelings to appease him.

 

That's true, I'm certainly not going to pretend that I'm worried or jelaous, I wouldn't even know how to do that.

 

It's not that I take him for granted, but I simply don't see what I should be concerned about? So he was hit on by another woman, so what? If he was planning on doing something, he wouldn't have told me about it and besides, if he wants to cheat on me, no amount of me getting upset over it will stop him.

 

I personally wouldn't expect him to be upset about me being hit on in a bar or ''defend me''. I would only expect that he steps in if a guy was harassing me and I was unable to fend him off myself.

 

Like I said, he's honestly never jelaous, so I'm wondering where this came from. I honestly don't think he's insecure himself, could it be that he's insecure in the relationship?

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salparadise
To elaborate, yes, it may be affirming to have someone occasionally express jealousy or insecurity as an indicator of how much they value you. Obviously, if it's done in a loving not controlling way.

 

Bur, for me, if I knew my SO was just putting that on for a show to make me feel better, it would mean absolutely nothing. Because it would not, in fact, be meaningful.

 

Yes, authenticity is definitely a good thing... but my bet would be that people who seemingly have a flat zero are either artificially suppressing it or choosing not to acknowledge it, which is also inauthentic. If I had a gf who had a flat zero when circumstances warranted it, I'd be wondering what's up with that.

 

Feeling secure in yourself and/or trusting your pattern doesn't obviate that feeling. We're all hardwired to have some of these feelings... well, almost all.

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Yes, authenticity is definitely a good thing... but my bet would be that people who seemingly have a flat zero are either artificially suppressing it or choosing not to acknowledge it, which is also inauthentic. If I had a gf who had a flat zero when circumstances warranted it, I'd be wondering what's up with that.

 

Feeling secure in yourself and/or trusting your pattern doesn't obviate that feeling. We're all hardwired to have some of these feelings... well, almost all.

 

I mean, if I was faking or supressing my jelaousy I would literally go insane. We've been together a year now, he goes out pretty much every weekend (he's not a douche, he has a good job and is in school), he's an extremely social person with a big circle of friends and people he hangs out with. I know he get hit on a LOT.

 

We have a great relationship and I care about him a lot. I trust him and simply don't see the point in worrying about other women around him.

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Noelle, this doesn't really sound like a trust/jealousy issue so much as your response being somewhat callous.

 

How does responding in a caring way equivocate to jealousy or you 'worrying' about other women?

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He wasn't asking you to worry about the other women around him....he just wanted a small validation that you care about him, that is all. Maybe he is thinking of taking the next step in your relationship, and your comment had him wondering about how you truly feel about him. Just saying this needs to be explored a little more.....communication is key.

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Noelle, this doesn't really sound like a trust/jealousy issue so much as your response being somewhat callous.

 

How does responding in a caring way equivocate to jealousy or you 'worrying' about other women?

 

I was simply joking around. I'm somewhat sarcastic and dry in my sense of humour which he knows and usually loves. Like, what would be a caring way to respond to him telling me about this situation?

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I was simply joking around. I'm somewhat sarcastic and dry in my sense of humour which he knows and usually loves. Like, what would be a caring way to respond to him telling me about this situation?

 

Sorry, meant equal, not equivocate. Anyway, Smackie's right on imo about just listening. He has expressed a concern, so address it with him. He knows your sense of humor but you hit a nerve. Talk to him about it and clear it up.

You have a sensational head on your shoulders so find out what the problem is.

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Cookiesandough
Meh, maybe not. Noelle, maybe he just wanted you to at least pretend you care. ;) You did say that he isn't the jealous type either. Maybe he thought you were being dismissive to the point of not caring if he stays or goes, even though of course you do. He may take it to mean that you are sooo secure that you are taking him for granted?

 

There are plenty of other ways to show that you care for your SO than pretending to feel insecure that someone else might take them . . . Or they might get with someone else. What??? Why does OP need to validate her feelings for her bf by pretending to be concerned he's gonna leave? That makes no sense to me.

 

Your partner should feel secure you're not gonna leave. If OP's boyfriend defines being loved and desired in this manner I think it's an issue with him...

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You guys aren't getting it....insecurity is freaking out, interfering with the happiness of the relationship, paranoia, social media creeping, looking through messages, restricting their activities, unrealistic boundaries, checking up, etc.

 

He just wanted to feel valued that's all. I think everyone would like to have their so stand up and honor them in some way. It's human nature to have that desire to be desired.

 

He doesn't have "issues". He's always been level headed like she said in her post.

 

Yeah, but he's also a big boy who could have gotten himself out of that situation if he'd really wanted to....he was enjoying it.

 

Being how she is, secure and confident of her own worth, is as good as it gets. No reason to change that. I'm sure she shows him in a million little ways that she loves and cares.

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Cookiesandough
Yeah, but he's also a big boy who could have gotten himself out of that situation if he'd really wanted to....he was enjoying it.

 

Being how she is, secure and confident of her own worth, is as good as it gets. No reason to change that. I'm sure she shows him in a million little ways that she loves and cares.

 

Exactly

 

He just doesn't think he's hot enough himself, I think...

 

"She's not sweating it so I must be undesirable"

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