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I snooped because I had trust issues, no reason to doubt before, but now I can't cope


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my last relationship ended because I found my boyfriend who was living signed up to Fetlife. com looking for other relationships (he was generally unpleasant and horrible, but that gave me to impetus to ask him to leave)

 

I'm now with a lovely guy who treats me well & makes me happy, but my paranoid brain can't just take things for granted. I know it's an infringement of privacy, but I checked his old phone &his current iPad. I discovered before we met he would regularly sleep with "escorts" including an ongoing "relationship" with one who was married & has a child. He was doing it only up until a month before we got together.

 

I was upset, I'd been honest about my past which wasn't always perfect. I'd hoped he could be honest with me. I sort of understand as he was single a long time, but was frustrated as he'd been angry at a fling I'd had with a colleague a week before we'd met & didn't understand why I'd behave like that - seems hypocritical. I've also been honest about my snooping behaviour & he also admitted he read an exs diary & found she cheated. last week I saw on his iPad he'd been looking at escort sites for our local area so I had to confront him.

 

I asked if he'd ever paid for sex, he said only once even when I said I looked at his old phone. He says he found it like porn to look at these sites as he liked the idea it could be someone "real" he might see in real life. He claimed he didn't like the exploitation element which is why it was only once (I'm sure it wasn't) He also said he was "worried" about his "old friend" so had been looking her up. He claims he had no intention of meeting up with her/anyone.

I'm seeking therapy for anxiety, paranoia and trust issues, awaiting a referral, but then again - I guess my fears were confirmed. I would probably have trust issues with anyone, I know it's my problem about 95%, but then I've only got his word that nothing has happened & I'm tying myself in knots. I love him so much. Any advice?

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TunaInTheBrine

It's sad in that most instances when someone's gut is telling them something is not right that it winds up being the case. The anonymity of the cyber world in contemporary life has indubitably increased our ability to sneak around, and also increased our ability to get caught.

 

My only real advice is to work through whatever relationship trauma you have from your past, and learn over time how to distinguish paranoia from when your intuition tells you something isn't right. Assuming you want to stay with your current partner, you will both have to talk through and come to terms with what happened. Sometimes this can actually enhance a relationship. Other times it can be a sign that eventually things won't work out. Only time and healing can tell.

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Trust me on this one....people are creatures of habit. He is in a relationship with you and now is shopping on line for an escort. Pretty obvious old habits never die.

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viatori patuit
An undeniable D E A L B R E A K E R...............

 

Which part? The fact he used an escort in the past? Or the fact he was looking now?

 

I get that the looking now part is a problem. The past is the past though. I am pretty sure we could all find something objectionable in our SO past if we cared to look.

 

Doh! Just read your second post. I agree, that is the issue.

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To me the deal breaker is the lie. In this case it's more serious IMO because of the possibility of disease. Who he was with before you met isn't your concern. But if you asked about paying for sex & he said no, when you have clear evidence to the contrary, you need an STD test.

 

 

I couldn't get past that

 

 

Porn v escort sites are different. You can't get the porn star to have sex with you I wouldn't believe for a NY Minute (which is about 45 seconds) that he's only looking but not touching.

 

 

Next.

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If I were in your shoes, it's all a deal breaker. I would question anyone's ability to have a solid normal committed relationship that was a frequent user of prostitutes. To me they are an emotionally detach person that cannot see the value in what a loving emotional connecting relationship can bring. There is something wrong with him and IMO you can't change that either.

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YOU can't get yourself all mixed up in the seedy world of escorts through your bf.

Escorts are everywhere, your trust issues will multiply exponentially if you continue seeing this guy.

YOU actually know he lied about seeing escorts to your face,

"Only the once" ...

There is no coming back from that.

I guess your "trust issues" are not issues at all.

Your gut is spot on..

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So an update, we've spoken a lot over the past few weeks and he's trying to reassure me that whilst when he was single he might have done things that he now finds "embarrassing" he hasn't since we've been together, but admits he shouldn't have been looking at escort sites, even if as he says it was for pornographic entertainment (I don't have an issue if he wants to look at porn) he's been fairly forthcoming with answers, although I don't feel convinced he's being completely honest. He's changed the passcode on his IPad. We've only just moved into a house we bought together and I am still in love with him, but every minute we're apart I question what he's doing, but I now wonder if this is my personality and I'm condemned to never trust anyone based on past experiences? Ive got my first therapy session next week before we go away with his family for a whole week.

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ExpatInItaly

It's not just your personality and bad past experiences, OP. Your bad feeling turned out to be spot-on here.

 

Your boyfriend's behaviour would have been enough for me to make my exit. It's not you being overly paranoid. He is doing some very shady things behind your back.

 

Please, get yourself to a doctor and get tested. I would not be able to take him at his word that he's not actually done anything with these hookers.

 

I'm sorry, but this is not someone you want to build a life with.

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So an update, we've spoken a lot over the past few weeks and he's trying to reassure me that whilst when he was single he might have done things that he now finds "embarrassing" he hasn't since we've been together, but admits he shouldn't have been looking at escort sites, even if as he says it was for pornographic entertainment (I don't have an issue if he wants to look at porn) he's been fairly forthcoming with answers, although I don't feel convinced he's being completely honest. He's changed the passcode on his IPad. We've only just moved into a house we bought together and I am still in love with him, but every minute we're apart I question what he's doing, but I now wonder if this is my personality and I'm condemned to never trust anyone based on past experiences? Ive got my first therapy session next week before we go away with his family for a whole week.

 

He isn't being honest he's still looking and craving. Whatever sex he does with these escorts he doesn't do with you and it's doubtful he is going to stop. Just take it further underground.

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Space Ritual
He's changed the passcode on his IPad.

 

That's all you need to now.

 

 

It will only go downhill form here. It could be weeks, months, even years before it goes tits up, but it will.

 

But after the big convo and his reassurances he's above board., this action alone says otherwise.

 

Continue the relationship at your own peril.

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So I've ordered an online test kit - we both got tested when we first got together and we're both clear so I'd sincerely hope this would still be the case.

 

And yes we bought a place together back in December, we'd been together a year and I didn't want to move into his place or him to move into my house I'd bought with my ex. We'd spent most of our evenings together 6-7 nights per week, I felt as though I knew him and we were on a solid ground to buy together, so we did. Having been stung in the past, I made sure I was honest and thought he'd been honest with me - there is some weight to someone's past is their past; I was unfaithful on a number of drunken occasions when I was in a very unhappy marriage with an alcoholic who threatened to kill himself if we were to split (and did indeed attempt it after we separated). I'm not proud, and I don't excuse it, but it was a very unhappy point of my life. It could be said once a cheater always a cheater, but I have no desire, even now to do that. He could have the same mistrust of me (and is often anxious about it)

 

My sincere hope is that it was a previous way of life for him as someone who was single for a large proportion of his adult life and a lapse in judgement recently to look at the sites. I'm not sure what would reassure me totally of this or indeed of anyone though and that is an issue I need to address regardless of the future of this relationship.

 

I have the scope and resources to buy him out or buy an additional place to rent out, so I'm by no means trapped. I just love him and the last 18 months we've been together have otherwise been full of love, adventure and happiness and I'm not sure I can just throw it all away and start again - especially since I feel my personality could self perpetuate things all over.

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  • 4 weeks later...

This is a thing. I will testify as this is something I did (and regret) with one of my exes. She, like you, found out. TMI, but how much porn does he watch? For me, it almost got to the point where it was a "more realistic, this could actually happen so it's kind of a turn on" porn. I know that probably makes absolutely no sense, but I got pretty desensitized to it all, but I would have never actually cheated on my girlfriend, in fact, I have never cheated on anyone.

 

You have every right to be upset and worried. If he is being honest with you, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt if you love him, coming from someone who has been on the other side. It's a real thing, and it probably embarrassed the hell out of him (which is a good thing)

 

 

Hoping you have a happy and healthy relationship :)

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