Ostepop Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 (edited) I made the mistake of accusing a girl i'm dating for leading me on and said that i'd back out if it's true. It was a rare moment of jealousy i felt when she acted distant and gave me one word/line messages more or less the whole day. I've had it happen before, which was not good news for me so in the end i did what i shouldnt have done. Problem is that i was entirely mistaken and she says in her words that there is now a gap in her feelings for me. Don't know if they're entirely gone or if they're gone completely. The girl is absolutely amazing and i completely ****ed up with my overraction. Question is though for those of you who have experienced the same, is there hope regaining her feelings and trust? It was my screwup so i'm prepared to do whatever it takes. Edit: Ohh and we're still talking. She did say she prefers me to act as if nothing has happened. Edited February 26, 2017 by Ostepop Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 The thing is are you sure? that maybe she just turned the tables to divert the blame on you? If you have strong feelings for her and she knows this....it could be her manipulating you. Kind of an emotional blackmail. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Edit: Ohh and we're still talking. She did say she prefers me to act as if nothing has happened. That sounds even more odd than your "mistake". Look something obviously made you think the way you did. even if it was a mistake it is much better to communicate about it to lessen the chance it will happen again. Acting like it didn't happen will only guarantee it will happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Fact is, you didn't just react out of the blue. That 'distant' response is something you should be keyed into. It sounds to me as if she did meet up with another guy, but is still undecided if she should monkey branch over to him. You need to grab the bull by the balls on this one, not rug sweep it like she is suggesting. Tell her that this has happened before, and you are extremely sensitive to certain behaviors, of which this is one. Tell her that if how you behaved is too much for her to accept, you understand and wish her happy trails... leave it to her. But, even if she comes back to you, I don't get the feeling this girl is a keeper. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ostepop Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 (edited) We're not an official couple at all, but she has treated me as the most important person in her life and wanted contact more or less through the entire days. I guess i was struck pretty badly when she started showing those signs. Her attitude now only kind of reinforces your opinions. She acts as if nothing has happened. I'm prone to overthink, but i'd think that means she knows what she did and is happy to sweep it under the rug. If i was entirely off point i'd expect to be wiped off her map. I guess the only thing i regret is my tactless approach. Note: She is a extremely blunt person. She says stuff she means and doesn't hold back the ammunition. I do think that's one of her attractive traits, no bull****. Well, usually? Edited February 27, 2017 by Ostepop Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 ostepop some people think its weird to carry on as if nothing happened.....i don't think or feel its weird at all.....i normally do this with people who wont apologize i care about who dotn see they have hurt me...itsa lack fo knowing me and understandign ...and i am also responsible when this happens....i accept that.......and i dont back down if i am right this "right" meaning my feelings how i feel or my beliefs etc or on pure truth i know...........i just choose to let go....to me...losing friendships or relationships over a disagreement is silly even sillier if its over one sentence of misplaced words that come about due to a misunderstanding.... .......if you sweep it under the rug...it is possible later to approach the topic when the hurt has dissolved on both sides.... and you can approach the subject with mutual respect and a calm discussion where the goal is to put it behind both of you and move on together..... closer actually and more understanding of each other you wrote that she was distant with you.....and that you want to regain her trust ...if she is the type of person who tells you to act like nothing happened ....its because she wants you in her life....just take it day by day from now not yesterday...and let the conversation flow.... be open and honest ...you will gain her trust again....be thoughtful before you accuse...be really sure of what you say...never let jealousy get in the way...put that sucker to bed....its a relationship killer.....good luck.....deb Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 If you have apologized & her preferred method of dealing is to act as if nothing happened, do that. If you keep apologizing & bringing it up, you continuing to try to discuss this will only serve to annoy her. She is willing to get past it. Accept that. Be grateful & move forward. Wait a week or so & do something random for her like send flowers saying something sweet like "you're amazing" or "just wanted to brighten your day". If you can hold off for 3 weeks you can even tie it into the arrival of Spring. Now look deep into yourself & find out why you keep doing this. Until you stop the pattern of overthinking & jealousy, this will reoccur. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 The thing is are you sure? that maybe she just turned the tables to divert the blame on you? If you have strong feelings for her and she knows this....it could be her manipulating you. Kind of an emotional blackmail. Yeah I'm agreeing with this. It sounds like classic gaslighting. In a normal situation if someone is into you that attempt you relieve your doubts when you note some suspicious behavior. When the behavior isn't innocent they gaslight which is basically attempting to make you feel bad or crazy because you've noticed their behavior. Her saying what she said really sounds like she is using this to create distance while not ending the relationship totally....I would bet my wife car there is another man. Maybe not cheating but definitely some interest. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 If you have apologized & her preferred method of dealing is to act as if nothing happened, do that. If you keep apologizing & bringing it up, you continuing to try to discuss this will only serve to annoy her. She is willing to get past it. Accept that. Be grateful & move forward. Wait a week or so & do something random for her like send flowers saying something sweet like "you're amazing" or "just wanted to brighten your day". If you can hold off for 3 weeks you can even tie it into the arrival of Spring. Now look deep into yourself & find out why you keep doing this. Until you stop the pattern of overthinking & jealousy, this will reoccur. Or she simply doesn't want him digging around and asking questions. Pushing it away and acting like nothing happened isn't fixing anything. He will just find himself right back here in a month or two. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Leaving out important info "Not Officially a Couple" changes my perspective here. Being "not official" means she can do whatever she wants and talk to whomever she wants. Stop acting like you are in a committed relationship. If she wasn't into chatting that day, she wasn't into it. If she was monkey branching that's her prerogative. Not being official, and not having a conversation about boundaries, you have no right to question her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Or she simply doesn't want him digging around and asking questions. Pushing it away and acting like nothing happened isn't fixing anything. He will just find himself right back here in a month or two. The OPs question point blank said he was wrong & that he was mistaken when he thought she was doing whatever made him skittish. It she wasn't doing anything, digging around more at something that isn't there would be annoying. She's not hiding anything. The OP admits this is all in his head. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 The OPs question point blank said he was wrong & that he was mistaken when he thought she was doing whatever made him skittish. It she wasn't doing anything, digging around more at something that isn't there would be annoying. She's not hiding anything. The OP admits this is all in his head. My comments where based on her actions not her words....She convinced him she isn't doing anything but her actions say otherwise..... But like smackie stated the "not officially a couple" changed everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ostepop Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 Yep, i can't demand her to feel or do anything towards me. But if she's stringing me along and doing the same for someone else then i'll just pack my **** and leave. We've been talking about her visiting and making something out of what we have. I'm not gonna go with her doing the same thing for multiple people. Then we're just not right for each other. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 What do you mean "talking about her visiting"? How many times have you been face to face with this woman? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ostepop Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 What do you mean "talking about her visiting"? How many times have you been face to face with this woman? Other than skype, none. But we've been pretty upfront and honest about ourselves and talking about everything in an intimate way. Now i'm just opening up to being judged by some unwritten dating rules anyway. Always does seem to happen. I've never dated much so i'm going to make plenty more mistakes in my life, i'm just gonna have to learn them bit by bit. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 If you haven't met in real life you aren't actually dating. Trying to foster a relationship with someone across the miles is very hard. Of course you are going to have concerns. The distance & the not actually knowing each other coupled with the lack of anything official would have anybody wondering. You need to solidify what you both want this to be then behave accordingly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Wait, you have never even met this woman? How old are you two Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ostepop Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 Wait, you have never even met this woman? Is that required to fall for someone? She's under no obligation to do anything, but she should show me the decency of telling me to back off if she's either not feeling it or not intererested. She knows full well that i find her attractive and is interested in trying to see if there is something real between us. I do have my rule of meeting her at least once before deciding upon anything real myself though. Jealousy is a monster that appears regardless anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Is that required to fall for someone? She's under no obligation to do anything, but she should show me the decency of telling me to back off if she's either not feeling it or not intererested. She knows full well that i find her attractive and is interested in trying to see if there is something real between us. I do have my rule of meeting her at least once before deciding upon anything real myself though. Jealousy is a monster that appears regardless anyway. Distance create jealousy. Also, yeah it's pretty standard practice to actually met someone before you get to the point of being upset that they may actually have a real social life. I say slow down man, if you expect from her then you need to commit to her. Make something happen other then acting like a guy standing in the rain with a wife beater and house shoes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ostepop Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 Distance create jealousy. Also, yeah it's pretty standard practice to actually met someone before you get to the point of being upset that they may actually have a real social life. I say slow down man, if you expect from her then you need to commit to her. Make something happen other then acting like a guy standing in the rain with a wife beater and house shoes I agree with everything you said. I was irrational and immediately knew i did something wrong. I've realized my mistake, i just hope her feelings for me will return. And of course that i'm not option a, b or c cause then i'd be out completely because of all that's been said and done. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Is that required to fall for someone? She's under no obligation to do anything, but she should show me the decency of telling me to back off if she's either not feeling it or not intererested. She knows full well that i find her attractive and is interested in trying to see if there is something real between us. I do have my rule of meeting her at least once before deciding upon anything real myself though. Jealousy is a monster that appears regardless anyway. Wait a second.... You initially left out a crucial part of the story You have never met her in the flesh? If this is the case young man. you are living a fantasy in internet air. Also if this is the case then not only do you have zero say in what she says or does, but you do not have a relationship. Get your head of of the sand, block her and move along and find someone in real life to date. You are reacting based upon manufactured feelings through a computer screen. It is not real. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ostepop Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 Wait a second.... You initially left out a crucial part of the story You have never met her in the flesh? If this is the case young man. you are living a fantasy in internet air. Also if this is the case then not only do you have zero say in what she says or does, but you do not have a relationship. Get your head of of the sand, block her and move along and find someone in real life to date. You are reacting based upon manufactured feelings through a computer screen. It is not real. Nothing less real than any online dating though. But the other things are entirely true. She's just been acting like she was really, really into me. And that is no joke, so i guess my feelings grew to a point they shouldnt have. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I agree with everything you said. I was irrational and immediately knew i did something wrong. I've realized my mistake, i just hope her feelings for me will return. And of course that i'm not option a, b or c cause then i'd be out completely because of all that's been said and done. Until you make a commitment or agreement all you are is an option. You can't fault her if she has other options, that is what single people do, weigh options to find the best fit. If you want more then step up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ostepop Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 What you say is true, yet i would become very uninterested if i found out i'm option b anyway. I'm sure that's true for most. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 What you say is true, yet i would become very uninterested if i found out i'm option b anyway. I'm sure that's true for most. I'm confused by your expectations, do you expect once you speak to a woman that you become her only option? It's not a healthy mindset. Her talking to other guys don't make you option. B, only makes you an option. Until you commit or come to an agree that is all you can or should expect. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts