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Am I reading too much into this?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 17th February 2017, 8:21 AM   #1
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Am I reading too much into this?

I have a history in my current relationship of being very insecure and paranoid. Of always reading into things. Part of that is me. Part of that is living with someone who is mentally ill (bipolar). Most of her friends are men. Many of them she's been sexually involved with. We are monogamous. She goes out of her way to show that I should trust her and is always honest with me. That said, I'm irritated about our current disagreement and could use some level insight to if I'm being paranoid and unreasonable.

One of her guy friends ("J") who she was sexually involved with just before she and I got together has been a thorn in my side. She doesn't really hang out with him anymore because of my insecurities about him, but the last time she stayed out with him she wound up curled up in bed with him napping. Later on her texted her that he "missed her butt" even though he knew she was living with me.

She's always honest with me to a fault. I only know the above because she told me. And we had a similar thing happen this Valentine's day. I came home at the end of the day and she told me that "J" had asked her if she wanted she wanted to hang out and she declined. I got upset at the audacity of this. Started asking questions and got the following responses:

- Neither of them care at all about Vday. Her last boyfriend and her agreed never to do anything that day. How could he know things were any different.

- He may not even know she was in a relationship. (We've lived together two years)

- My traditional views of a sappy manufactured holiday are the root cause.

- Why we she have even told me if something dubious was happening. I never would have even known.

I settled on asking what her reply was and she said that she was making a dinner with me. I specifically asked her if she made it clear that she had a boyfriend that she lived with. She said "Yes". The topic came up again a couple of days later because it really annoyed me and struck me as disrespectful, not to mention the "he might not even know I have a boyfriend" thing when she speaks to him at least a couple of times per month and she and I have been living together almost two years. I asked her directly if she made it clear that I was in her life. She said "Yes."

I did something I never do. I decided to put my fears to rest and go into her phone to look at the conversation. She had given me the passcode months ago and told me to look if I ever doubted her. It was there. He did ask her if she wanted to hang out. Her reply was not indicative of having a committed relationship. It was:

"Things have been really sucky lately. I'm just going to stay home and make dinner"

His response. "Oh. That's too bad. Wish you were here."

I confronted her with it and she says she thought she had made it clear to him. She said it's all mundane anyhow. No one is trying to woo anyone. He asked a question and she just gave a short answer and moved on. Again, the real issue is my sappy traditional views. She doesn't believe in having to mention relationships unless clear boundaries are being crossed. She didn't have to tell me anything in the first place.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say, "We've had repeated issues with this person*, and I don't feel comfortable with you being friends with him. I can't stop you or give you ultimatums, but I want you to know that I would feel a lot better if he wasn't someone you were hanging out with." She feels it's manipulative because it still ends up with the same results as an ultimatum.

I'd love to get some mature and level views on this.

* Issues I have with this guy:

1. When they did hang out, it was primarily staying out until early morning singing karaoke.
2. The last time she went out with him (at the beginning of our relationship) she didn't go to karaoke, but instead curled up in bed with him talking and napping. I only know this because she told me.
3. He knew she was in a relationship about a year ago and still texted her "I miss your butt." I only know this because she told me.
4. When she was having sex with him, she wanted more but he didn't want a relationship.
5. When she went through her worst depression after getting dumped, he was the only person checking in on her to make sure she was eating, sleeping, bathing. She still gets mildly verklempt when she talks about how he cared for her.

These set the tone for me to be very wary of him and his mention usually resulted in disagreements. Perhaps I should just let things go. I think the big issue here is that we disagree on boundaries. She is always (I hope) honest with me but doesn't agree with the traditional boundaries imposed by romantic relationships. As long as there is no sexual or emotional cheating happening, there should not be an issue. Trust should be implicit regardless of the situation. In her previous relationship, her boyfriend didn't really care what she did. So staying out all night and curling up in bed to watch movies was okay. I don't think that's okay and that's been an ongoing issue labeled under "paranoia and mistrust". She has other guy friends she's had this sort of relationship with as well. She just goes with the flow in terms of what's acceptable as long as it doesn't violate the core rules of fidelity.

Last edited by Techmonkey; 17th February 2017 at 9:12 AM..
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Old 17th February 2017, 9:43 AM   #2
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Is she getting help for her bipolar?
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Old 17th February 2017, 9:55 AM   #3
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Have you both discussed "boundaries"? If both have made an agreement as to what is acceptable interaction and what is not, then the next step is for you to exit out of this relationship due to the lack of respect. This should be a dealbreaker. You can not force a person to behave in a certain way, they have to be willing to adjust accordingly.

This has nothing to do with her mental illness, this has a lot to do with her attitude.
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Old 17th February 2017, 9:55 AM   #4
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Is she getting help for her bipolar?
She is on Lithium to control her the peaks, but not in counseling or on meds to controller her depressions.
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Old 17th February 2017, 9:58 AM   #5
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I think the big issue here is that we disagree on boundaries. She is always (I hope) honest with me but doesn't agree with the traditional boundaries imposed by romantic relationships. As long as there is no sexual or emotional cheating happening, there should not be an issue. Trust should be implicit regardless of the situation. In her previous relationship, her boyfriend didn't really care what she did. So staying out all night and curling up in bed to watch movies was okay. I don't think that's okay and that's been an ongoing issue labeled under "paranoia and mistrust". She has other guy friends she's had this sort of relationship with as well. She just goes with the flow in terms of what's acceptable as long as it doesn't violate the core rules of fidelity.
You both are not compatible if this is how you both feel about this issue.

You cannot change who she is, but you can change GFs. I know you don't want to hear this, but is there any other way?? unless you put up with it and leave her alone...let her carry on with it.
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Old 17th February 2017, 10:10 AM   #6
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She is on Lithium to control her the peaks, but not in counseling or on meds to controller her depressions.
Honestly counseling is needed for someone who's bipolar and even couple counseling since both of have a disagreement on boundaries, you have different definitions of what a relationship is.

Honestly i completely agree on what smackie9 just said you're not compatible.
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Old 17th February 2017, 11:12 AM   #7
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First thing, this is not a honest woman, so you need to stop convincing yourself she is....This will create alot of pain for you in the near future. What she is is controlling, she gives you just enough truth to make it appear she is he my truthful.....

You went to verify her story and found a lie....I've actually caught several lies or misleading statements in this short bit you've told here...Is if she made it clear she was in a relationship, then why would she say he may not know she was in a relationship...

Red flags all over this girl.....abort
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Old 17th February 2017, 8:46 PM   #8
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Honestly counseling is needed for someone who's bipolar and even couple counseling since both of have a disagreement on boundaries, you have different definitions of what a relationship is.

Honestly i completely agree on what smackie9 just said you're not compatible.

We tried couple counseling. She felt it was worthless. I felt it was ****ty. Example: She'd be asked "Name four happy memories you have with (me) over the last year." Her non-malicious response was "I don't have any." Similar things like that frequently in the sessions.

In addition to the lack of counseling is the lack of self-care. She drinks every night. Frequently to the point of belligerence. Today she was nodding off drunk by 6:30. I've made dinner (I do all the cooking or we wouldn't eat) and she's up and about in the insult stage. Little quips telling me how she thinks I'm an insecure child or a selfish *******. On a regular basis she's drunk and I'm holding a balancing act to not respond/upset her. She won't remember what she said in the morning and she'll feel bad if I tell her. But she won't stop drinking. If I push it, I'm controlling. Then again, growing up with an alcoholic mother, this brings me back to places I really don't want to ****ing be.

TLDR: You're right. I need to get out of here.
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Old 17th February 2017, 9:07 PM   #9
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TLDR: You're right. I need to get out of here.
As soon as possible. She is a ticking timebomb waiting to happen.
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Old 17th February 2017, 9:11 PM   #10
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TLDR: You're right. I need to get out of here.
You actually need to run as fast as you can. You deserve way better than this.
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Old 17th February 2017, 9:16 PM   #11
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As soon as possible. She is a ticking timebomb waiting to happen.
Yeah. That timebomb thing is a strong feeling I've been having for a while now. When she gets really drunk, like tonight, I have this dread that she's either going to hurt herself (she frequently talks of suicide) or hurt me. She has hit me and or broken my music gear before. Makes it impossible to relax in my own home. I'm generally a very very high anxiety person and **** like this is really wearing.


Sidenote: Hawkwind = thumbs up.
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Old 17th February 2017, 9:33 PM   #12
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What kind of girlfriend gets into bed with her ex for a cuddling session, while hiding the fact she is in a relationship? Think about it.

She was rubbing the fact that she did this in your face and telling you how he missed her ass. Again, what kind of girlfriend does this?

To add to all that she is gas-lighting all of your concerns, which as it turns out were completely justified, because she lied about telling him that she was with her boyfriend on Valentine's Day. She is a liar and very clearly wants him to want her and think that she is available.

There is nothing innocent about this.
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Old 17th February 2017, 9:35 PM   #13
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Yeah. That timebomb thing is a strong feeling I've been having for a while now. When she gets really drunk, like tonight, I have this dread that she's either going to hurt herself (she frequently talks of suicide) or hurt me. She has hit me and or broken my music gear before. Makes it impossible to relax in my own home. I'm generally a very very high anxiety person and **** like this is really wearing.


Sidenote: Hawkwind = thumbs up.
You need to get away from her! This is not ok.
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Old 17th February 2017, 9:56 PM   #14
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You need to get away from her! This is not ok.
Venting here has really gotten me thinking how much more peaceful (albeit lonely until I get used to it) living on my own would be. I pay all the bills, so I'm not worried about living on my own. It would be significantly cheaper.

Another side note: Just saw "Gone with the Wind" for the first time last week. I regret waiting so long.
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Old 18th February 2017, 2:07 AM   #15
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Get a Studio in Rogers Park. It s about as cheap as you can find on the North Side and still have a decent place. Lot of Garden Studios around Pratt and Sheridan.

t/j: Hawkwind. Yes of all the places, Hawkwind probably along with UFO has their largest American fanbase in Chicago.
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