Wife Wants Polyamory

[heater6000]

Married 16 years. Sometimes happily, sometimes not. Wife has been I suppose a model of fidelity. Very much had it together. First few years she was madly in love me and really aggressive where as I was rather ambivalent and non committal. Over the years came around to deeply loving her. Have been in a really good place for a while now. Few months ago I found journal entries of hers stating that in her "ideal world" she would like to be able to "have affairs with whoever I want...that my husband doesn't ever find out or if he does is accepting and understanding of my needs to express myself sexually outside the marriage"

 

This prompted me to dig further and while I found no evidence of cheating I found quite a bit of the same rhetoric.

 

I confessed that I'd read some of this stuff to her and she said simply "It's just desire. In an ideal world that's what i'd want."

"To have affairs?"

"To feel new love again."

"And sex."

"I mean I guess, yes."

 

We went to therapy and she seemed to be indicating (with out saying it) that she wants an open relationship. When the therapist brought it up she said "Sure" then changed her story to "I don't think I could handle it" when she saw that I was upset.

 

Anyway this came as a complete shock. Don't really know what to do. She's gorgeous. Always has been, still is. I never expected much -- but she really presented herself to me as a strictly "one woman guy" In fact before all this happened she was telling me how she has no eyes for others and that I fulfill her every need. But Found that she'd written the exact opposite just days before. I want to let her I guess be fulfilled as she says but I also feel like I'm just setting up a trap. Loosening the reigns until she (happily) goes and gets laid, comes home, tells me about it and I divorce her on the spot. That's how I feel! Anyway.... don't know what to do. It's not as bad as a D-day as I've read on here. I didn't catch her in anything. And for now it's all very loving and intimate (on a very new level) she's relieved that her truth is out -----and feeling really close to me because I'm not freaking out. But inside I'm ablaze. This was the love of my life. We were in a better place than we've ever been with one another. And she wants to have affairs. Like a spear going through me. She intro'd me to this expert on the subject Esther somebody. Read at length about how this is normal etc. because she's getting older. But I don't care. Im not into it. She knows that acutely and quickly put a lid on it. Haven't spoken about it in many weeks. But trying to cope isn't working. I don't trust her anymore and I'm broken. I want to just start over with someone else. Am I overreacting? Should I just let this go?

Edited January 27, 2017 by heater6000

[Poe77]

Ive never seen "open relationships" work well they are often quite turbulent even when bout sides are on board and you clearly have resentment over it so imagine how you are going to feel when she indeed dose start sleeping around you might have had a good run but im so sorry I think its come to its end to me open relationships are not normal whats the point? so one can reap all the benefits of a relationship with out any of the commitment? 20- 30 years ago this wouldn't even be a topic much less something people are trying to tell their spouses is "normal" its sad..im sorry OP but if you ask me I would let her go let her see that the grass isn't greener there are still women out there who actually do want a genuine commitment and it sounds like you still have some time to find one..

[lolablue17]

First, you are lucky that it's all on the table with no cheating involves. Believe me, cheating is worse. You're in shock because of your wife's desires.

 

Well, you'll be "surprised to know that A ALOT of people desire the same. Some of us desire a new love and sex, but won't accept the other spouse to do the same, that is why it remains a fantasy. From what i understand your wife doesn't insist to actually have an affair for her needs, she just admits her desires.

 

I think it's two different things, if your wife has fantasies and desires, or if she plans to actually do it. Anyone has fantasies, and you're the one who invaded her secret diary, so you should get a hold on yourself and take responsibility for your actions. You wife didn't come to you with it to shake your world. It's you who is responsible for all this mess.

 

I advice you to wait and do nothing, and see what happens. After it's all on the table your wife might want to promote the idea, or you might want it to after a while... (believe me, i've seen it happening, a total 180 by the side who were against it)

 

If she wants to do it in real life, and you still can't do it, I think that is a reason to split. But the knowledge of her having fantasies alone, is a lame reason to split.

[heater6000]

If she wants to do it in real life, and you still can't do it, I think that is a reason to split. But the knowledge of her having fantasies alone, is a lame reason to split.

 

 

 

I agree. That's why I haven't tweaked out about it in months. Holding it together. And yes I created this by looking where I shouldn't. But it is my wife. And sensed something. So I had to know.

Edited January 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[lolablue17]

I agree. That's why I haven't tweaked out about it in months. Holding it together. And yes I created this by looking where I shouldn't. But it is my wife. And sensed something. So I had to know.

 

What does she say? does she express an intention to take it to the next level?

[salparadise]

Everyone, or almost everyone has fantasies and desires. That's understandable. The question is, would she act on it or not? Does she want to be with you or not? As long as this exists only as fantasy, I believe you should try to process your disappointment and let go of it. It sounds like this may be the case.

 

But, if she ends up saying she's serious about it and actually wants an open relationship, do not agree to it. You're clearly not one who is cut out for it. The other thing is... these arrangements tend to be one sided, and if she's a beautiful woman, as you said, she'd have men lined up around the block. it would drive you insane. If she wants to act on it, the only rational choice is to let her go (divorce). It would be hard, of course, but better than either cheating or open marriage.

[Grumpybutfun]

Journals are private thoughts and should be off limits. Expressing desire for something and doing them are two very different things. You are inventing drama. You might want to spice up your love life and invest more emotionally.

Also, acting like you are understanding of her desires and then stewing inside because you don't like that she has evolved into a person very differently from the girl you married is a recipe for disaster.

Her desires can be seen in two ways.

One as something she shares with you in a communion of mutual respect and compassion where she tells you her fantasies and you discuss them without ego, letting her describe her fantasies and you role playing them with her in a playful manner, improving your sex life without an open marriage.

 

The other is you stew inside as you silently turn into a man driven by his insecurities who knows he obtained personal information form her without her consent by reading her journal, and without trying to understand only pretends to be interested in her fantasy life in order to punish her later with her own worlds. Right now that is where you are. You need to figure out how to deal with your anger and ego, unless you want your marriage to implode.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Marc878]

Better set your boundaries.

 

This is your life too. She maybe experiencing some "grass is greener" syndrome.

 

IMO, I'd say you can do as you please but You'll be on your own. Take yourself out of the equation. Make that very clear.

[central]

Lots of people fantasize about others. Most do not follow through. Some have consensual open and/or poly relationships - we're in this group, and have been for over 16 years. It can and does work for many people - it also does not work for many others! It does work for us. (And of course, some cheat - that's the one thing you both want to avoid at all costs.)

 

You are fortunate in that you learned of her desires before any follow-through has taken place. So, you can discuss this openly - in or out of therapy - and figure it out together. The answer from you seems sure to be a "No!" but then boundaries will be established during discussion. They will either be observed, or not, and you'll have a clear idea of how you'll respond.

[smackie9]

If my husband had these strong desires to have "affairs" I would let him go. IMO me keeping him monogamous is making him unhappy with his marriage. I couldn't live with that.