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Do you think I can trust him?


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lolamola19767

I met a guy through AA that I am crazy about. I met him years ago, but he was with someone so it never went anyway. I saw him again (he called me and asked me to go to a AA meeting with him which we are both still involved in) I did, we hung out a few times. He told me he was broke up with ex. I made him wait for sex, and I got pregnant the first time we had sex. I drove to his work and told him and he was happy, nervous in shock but happy.

 

His GF found out (guess they were not broke up and I do admit he did tell me they still hung out together sometimes but I didn't think it was serious) and facebooked me asking how long i had been dating her bf and if was I pregnant. I told her he told me it was over months ago. She sent me all the texts between them proving he was lying to me. He lied to me OUR entire relationship. They were together the whole time. He took her out on an extravagant dinner/hot tub weekend for her birthday (which by the way is the same DAY as mine) and on our actual birthday, he took me to the movies.

 

Anyway, obviously I was very upset with him, he said he would not do it again. Then I found out he went over her house and spent the night - the DAY after our relationship had gone PUBLIC Facebook official - and was sending her love texts and songs saying how much he missed her and that he was confused. I left him again, and again he professed his love for me and our upcoming baby, saying that was most important to him. He swore he would never mess up again even changed his phone number to prove that he would not talk to her anymore and I know she does not have it.

 

Then I found out, yet again, that he was still talking to her and they had met for lunch. I took him back AGAIN and now he is no longer speaking with his ex. We spent Christmas together with his family and my family. He is now living with me now and I am 14 [weeks] pregnant.

 

PLEASE BE HONEST what do you think the chances of this relationship working out? I love him and he is wonderful to me and we still go to AA meetings together and he has been sober now since the last night he had spent with his ex and slept with her. He is now about 6 weeks sober.

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changed "months" to "weeks" after clarification from threadstarter ~6
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He is now about 6 weeks sober.

 

I have over 20 years of sobriety under my belt.

 

You ask if you can trust him?

 

Look at what you wrote.

 

I am not trying to be mean here, but you answered your own question by your post.

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I met a guy through AA that I am crazy about. I met him years ago, but he was with someone so it never went anyway. I saw him again (he called me and asked me to go to a AA meeting with him which we are both still involved in) I did, we hung out a few times. He told me he was broke up with ex. I made him wait for sex, and I got pregnant the first time we had sex. I drove to his work and told him and he was happy, nervous in shock but happy.

 

His GF found out (guess they were not broke up and I do admit he did tell me they still hung out together sometimes but I didn't think it was serious) and facebooked me asking how long i had been dating her bf and if was I pregnant. I told her he told me it was over months ago. She sent me all the texts between them proving he was lying to me. He lied to me OUR entire relationship. They were together the whole time. He took her out on an extravagant dinner/hot tub weekend for her birthday (which by the way is the same DAY as mine) and on our actual birthday, he took me to the movies.

 

Anyway, obviously I was very upset with him, he said he would not do it again. Then I found out he went over her house and spent the night - the DAY after our relationship had gone PUBLIC Facebook official - and was sending her love texts and songs saying how much he missed her and that he was confused. I left him again, and again he professed his love for me and our upcoming baby, saying that was most important to him. He swore he would never mess up again even changed his phone number to prove that he would not talk to her anymore and I know she does not have it.

 

Then I found out, yet again, that he was still talking to her and they had met for lunch. I took him back AGAIN and now he is no longer speaking with his ex. We spent Christmas together with his family and my family. He is now living with me now and I am 14 [weeks] pregnant.

 

PLEASE BE HONEST what do you think the chances of this relationship working out? I love him and he is wonderful to me and we still go to AA meetings together and he has been sober now since the last night he had spent with his ex and slept with her. He is now about 6 weeks sober.

 

So you really acceptng the word of an unemployed substance abuser?.

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Oh my God.

 

I am kind of shocked that this is a serious question (not to offend you, sorry if this sounds nasty).

 

A man who cheats WITH you and then cheats ON you can absolutely never be trusted.

 

Look some things can be fixed, such as addictions; they are never fixed but can be controlled.

 

Cheated? It is an inbuilt personality trait. This man is who he is at this age. He will never change. At the off chance he WANTS to commit to the one woman and wants to know how to control his impulses to cheat - he will need YEARS of work.

 

Or maybe he is not into either of you and settled because he cannot do any better, became attached to you but is still open to the right woman? In this case he is still a MASSIVE A - HOLE.

 

HELL NO you cannot trust him! Get a decent job, go back to school if need be, and welcome to being a single parent. Demand child support, and BE SINGLE and wait for a guy who does not cheat on his partner with you, and then continue to cheat ON you with said woman:sick:

 

God it is unbelievable what some women tolerate and need to even question.

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In all honesty. No. I don't see it working out for you. And this is why: you started out as a girl on the side to him. He lied to you about his status, but just because he lied doesn't make you #1. She was #1. Now if he broke up with her and moved on with you and never strayed back to her then I would say you have a chance.

 

But he keeps straying back to her....his primary relationship. If he can never close that one mentally and physically, then to him...you will always be secondary. It's just more complicated now because you are carrying his baby.

 

Relationships that start out in affairs (even unbeknownst to you) don't usually last. Especially when there is a lot of back and forth and uncertainty.

 

I would advise you to get your affairs in order. Arrange for child support. And plan for yourself and your child without depending on him at all.

 

I'm sorry

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seriously, it sounds like you are setting yourself up for some big heartache.

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lolamola19767

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it has been almost one month since they have spoke. Do you think I have to worry about him going back to her in the future???

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it has been almost one month since they have spoke. Do you think I have to worry about him going back to her in the future???

 

Yes...he is probably doing it now. Come on, you know you deserve better.

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it has been almost one month since they have spoke. Do you think I have to worry about him going back to her in the future???

Absolutely. In fact I'd put money on it.

 

Look, he is a liar and a cheat. He told you that they haven't spoken for a month, but he has told you plenty of lies in the past so why do you believe this? He's probably got a burner phone, a secret gmail, etc etc.

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No, of course you can't trust him.

 

It's really that simple. He isn't wonderful to you - he lies to you over and over.

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it has been almost one month since they have spoke. Do you think I have to worry about him going back to her in the future???

 

That means little to nothing.

 

Let me give you an analogy from my drinking and drugging days.

 

Me being a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, I will ALWAYS be in recovery.

 

I will also ALWAYS be an alcoholic and an addict.

 

I do not tempt fate by going into bars and ordering a Club Soda. Or going to crackhouses and smoking Camel Lights.

 

It is not something that is immediate, there are generally many relapses for a person as they tend to get on and fall off the wagon multiple times before they "get it". I was no different.

 

At only a month out, your boyfriend is one boring afternoon away from a bender. Maybe he'll start thinking of being tied down with a kid for the next 18 years and the fact that fatherhood usually does not mean a lot of fun nights out at the club, so what better excuse than to go down to the old watering hole, have a Seven Up, see his buddies and test himself.

 

 

What could possibly go wrong with this plan?

 

 

Plenty

 

As he takes that first drink someone buys him, he'll have another one, and another one and another...and pretty soon he'll remember that his ex always understood him, and she was a good piece of ass...he'll want to go get apiece of ass from somebody who isn't pregnant and he can feel like "himself" for awhile.

 

Your boyfriend has only been sober a month. A frickin month. That s white knuckling time. He is setting the table for a Heapin Helpin of disaster.

 

Look, it takes YEARS of doing the hard work of learning to cope with life's curveballs without resorting to substances. It is always a work in progress.

 

I am not without my problems. Even after over 2 decades I can safely say I am always one drink away from disaster.

 

So no, you can't trust him. You can't trust him to stay away from an ex for more than a month, how the hell can you trust him to stay sober and stick around with you and be a father?

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Has he broken up with her? Does he see the wrongness of what he has done in the past? If he is currently living with you, is he committed to you and to your baby? Or is this a convenient choice "for now"? If you have not had a conversation with him, where he knows that he cannot continue the behavior, that he sees all the things that were wrong with his actions and is willing to be accountable to you for his time and his actions, than I am not sure you can trust him. I know marriage is another subject, but there is never security in living together. That is just a convenient option for people unwilling to commit. Will you ever feel secure? Do you think he has changed, can change? Do you see him as a long term, committed, friend and spouse?

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lolamola19767

Yes they have broken up. He has called her in front of me to prove it. He has showed me an email she wrote, where she said good bye and obviously was upset that he choose me over her.

 

He is commited to our baby. He was living with his parents (I'm 37 he is 34 and his x is 48) His whole family is involved with the upcoming baby. His ex is horrible and treated him badly. They lived together for over a year, but he moved out back to his parents when I met him. Though I think he was staying most of the week with her even so. But now he is living with me. I drive him back and forth to work (he has no license yet, but will soon, from 2 past duis from years ago)

 

I really just want to know if like the guy said just before you, if he really might go out drinking again (we are both in aa that is how we met) without me and end up in her bed again. I feel like since he is committed, changed his number, has not talked to her, and that they are OVER that we have a chance. He says he will never leave and so far he hasn't. Isn't a month long enough to be over her?

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I really just want to know if like the guy said just before you, if he really might go out drinking again (we are both in aa that is how we met) without me and end up in her bed again. I feel like since he is committed, changed his number, has not talked to her, and that they are OVER that we have a chance. He says he will never leave and so far he hasn't. Isn't a month long enough to be over her?

 

I have a couple of questions for you that depending on how you answer will give me and others a better chance pf actually helping you.

 

I am not trying to be a Prophet of Doom, but being you are with child you need some realistic answers. I know you must be unsure of much right now...and no a Month is usually not enough time to "get over" someone, especially if they are older...if they have much of a History together that just does not go away overnight...or even a month.

 

Ok, here are a coupe of questions...if you would be so kind as to answer them to the best of your knowledge then maybe you can get some better advice from myself, and others.

 

Has your bf, newly sober, been going to meetings like a bad habit? By that mean that there used to be a benchmark for the newly sober who arrived at the tables or fresh out of treatment to attend 90 meetings in 90 days. Usually that give someone some structure and something they can set as a goal. I did it, and countless other I know did it when they go sober.

 

And have you been going as well, to open meetings and even closed meetings?

 

Do either of you have a Sponsor yet? Even a Temporary one? I really needed one in NA especially because for the first few months I was really itching to go back and use. I was sure i was going to do it, and even kept trying to talk myself into it. But then I would call or meet with my sponsor who would kick my ass mentally and get me to pull my head out of my ass.

 

If neither of you have a sponsor, please please, please, pursue asking someone at your meetings for a referral or ask one of them you seem to respect to be a temporary sponsor.

 

What type of support system do you have in place?

 

Normally I wouldn't even ask these types of things, and am pretty much a full time arsehole but the newly clean and sober are usually the most vulnerable, and the relapse rates, especially these days are very very high.

 

I certainly would not be worth a pinch of salt if I did not at least reach out to a fellow traveler. so if you can answer these question please do.

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Yes they have broken up. He has called her in front of me to prove it. He has showed me an email she wrote, where she said good bye and obviously was upset that he choose me over her.

As they do in the movies:

 

8 hours earlier.....

 

"Hey Sarah. I need you to do me a favour. I need to call you and "dump" you to keep lolamola happy. Don't worry it's all for show, I'll still be around yours tomorrow night. I need you to write me an email, all upset that I ended things. Make sure you write it to my main email account, not my secret one. It'll be funny! ;)"

 

Isn't a month long enough to be over her?

No. No it's not.

 

If you believe a single word he says then I have a bridge to sell you.

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