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Girlfriend hid our relationship and flirted with others. Now she makes it visible.


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 10th January 2017, 2:44 PM   #16
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What I would be worried about is the fact that you do not know her at all. Have could you only dating for THREE months.

Slow down get to know her. Also, be honest about this and talk with her about it. If she is marrying you just because she wants a stable home, that is one sure fire way to head for divorce court one day.
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Old 13th January 2017, 9:32 PM   #17
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She was probably keeping her FB status hidden for 3 months because she didn't want her ex bad boy to see she was now dating you. She was hoping he would come back to her but once she realizes that wasn't going to happen she updated her status to include you. If you marry this woman just know that you will probably never have the sex life you dreamed of because she will always pine for the bad boy. You will be frustrated.
I did find it very odd how those questionable "single local guys" she added a couple months ago (whom I've noticed her secretly flirting with on facebook) are suddenly ALL no longer friends with her on facebook and all of a sudden our relationship status is FINALLY visible on her page, after 3 months of being official. Seems like she may have deleted them and made the status visible, simultaneously. Which tells me she was definitely leading these guys on to think that she was single..

Even though she's now suddenly changed it (and apparently has a change of heart) is this relationship still doomed?
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Old 13th January 2017, 10:16 PM   #18
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First of all I had to admit I didn't read every single post in this thread. I just read the first page so bare with me if I end up saying something already said here.

Some people like the idea of non-exclusive relationships. Usually those people avoid being too specific about the boundaries of their relationship. In fact, they usually behave as in a non-exclusive relationship but they don't tell this to their partners because they would prefer their partners to be exclusive to them. Yes, I know, I know.

Your girlfriends behavior rings a bell. And that bell tells me that she is this kind of person. What you was on her facebook was her being in a non-exclusive relationship with you. While you wasn't warned about it. And while you probably acted as in an exclusive relationship with her.

And I'm sorry but when I said she was in a non-exclusive relationship that means that she could have gone as far as having sex with another guy while dating you. And she won't consider that cheating. I don't mean to say she did. It's just what this kind of people think.

You, on the other hand, are clearly a more traditional guy. And even when she can be fully committed now, you two are most probably incompatible.
IMHO you should break up with her. And probably you should talk about this issue first to get some clarification on her side.
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Old 14th January 2017, 3:31 PM   #19
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Even though she's now suddenly changed it (and apparently has a change of heart) is this relationship still doomed?
Yes. Because eventually she will not feel the attention you pay her is enough.

External validation, especially on Social Media, is a pretty powerful draw. It will be difficult to compete with.

Right now she may seem content, but once she gets a bit bored with you, she'll b e right back adding all those guys.

You'll be back here in a few months if not a few weeks asking why you aren't enough for her again. Because it is only a matter of time before she goes back to the Validation well.

Sorry, like I said earlier, she is going to chew you up and spit you out like a 2 dollar steak
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Old 19th January 2017, 11:18 AM   #20
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Yes. Because eventually she will not feel the attention you pay her is enough.

External validation, especially on Social Media, is a pretty powerful draw. It will be difficult to compete with.

Right now she may seem content, but once she gets a bit bored with you, she'll b e right back adding all those guys.

You'll be back here in a few months if not a few weeks asking why you aren't enough for her again. Because it is only a matter of time before she goes back to the Validation well.

Sorry, like I said earlier, she is going to chew you up and spit you out like a 2 dollar steak
The thing is, she's had a history of dating "bad boys" and I'm a more traditional kind of guy. I dont know if Im "boring" in her eyes. One of her girlfriends told me she claimed she wanted stability and to eventually get married and live "happily ever after". So I dont know why she would blow this opportunity to do that? Unless she's a drama-magnet and she just has to create some kind of drama? Ill admit, she does have alot of drama in her life. She comes from a broken home and she's had a rough life.

I dont know if our relationship was maybe her "trying something different"? The fact that I found out she was adding/flirting with random local guys for a couple months, and then now deletes them and FINALLY makes our relationship status visible on facebook, definitely tells me at some point she was either keeping her options open, whoring for external male validation, or was just unsure about me. Obviously all of those potential scenarios unsettle me.

We first met eachother a few weeks after the last player she was dating screwed her over, and then we jumped into a relationship a couple of weeks after. In retrospect, I can see how that was a bit fast. And in the back of my head now, Im pondering if MAYBE i was thought of as a rebound?

Its now been a bit over 3 months that we've been together, and when I saw she deleted those guys and made our relationship status visible, it made me feel a bit better. But should I be on the lookout from now on? Obviously you think our relationship is doomed anyway right?
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Old 19th January 2017, 3:06 PM   #21
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One of her girlfriends told me she claimed she wanted stability and to eventually get married and live "happily ever after". So I dont know why she would blow this opportunity to do that? Unless she's a drama-magnet and she just has to create some kind of drama? Ill admit, she does have alot of drama in her life. She comes from a broken home and she's had a rough life
That's the thing...

Her GIRLFRIEND told you that..she didn't.

All people like to say that type of stuff that they want the American Dream of the White Picket Fence and the Nuclear Family. It rarely happens.

Because that Traditional American Dream of The White Picket Fence and the Nuclear Family and all the stability that comes with it is BORING for most young people. They see it as a waste of time and energy.

And that is what is exactly going to happen with this girl. You will eventually be too boring to waste much time on for more than a fleeting moment in her eyes.

Coming from a broken home or having a bad upbringing has nothing to do with it. I had one of the worst upbringings you can imagine on the South Side of Chicago. I never cheated on a girl or even thought about it. That environment excuse is just that, an excuse.

It is all about choices.


Again, you provide stability emotionally for her for awhile, until you begin to bore her. It is much like the Binge Drinker who gets plastered one time too many and decides to go home for a few days and dry out. Life seems a lot better because the Binger has mom and dad to make food for them and do their laundry and it's ok for a few days until they realize that sticking around teh house is going to be not much more than that. it becomes boring pretty fast and the Drinker will feel obligated to go out on Friday Night and see his friends. Then it's Lather, Rinse , Repeat.

The analogy I just gave you is pretty much your girlfriend in a nutshell.

She will behave with you until she gets bored with your validation and needs it, even for one night, from someone who is not you.. Then she will claim that it is a turnoff and go bang some bad boy. Then she will feel bad about it and come back to you and make it a big secret between the girlfriends that covered for her until she runs afoul of one of them and they threaten to tell you. Then more drama wil ensue and either she will act squirrelly or dump the friend like a hot potato without any explanation while always wondering when the shoe will drop and Jeremy may figure this out and her emotional crutch may finally have had enough.

People like your girlfriend rarely deviate from this script. They usually are willing to go total scorched earth if need be in order to hide their shenanigans from the one person they take for granted. I know it sounds a bit much, but it is gong to happen between you two at some point.

I'd bet on it.

So yes your relationship with this chick is doomed to failure. You two might be ok through the Winter or even part of the Spring, but you are one argument away from all of this going south on you. And you can expect that argument to be on a Friday.

Sorry kid, you are just marking time with this one. Do no have unprotected sex with her lest you get her pregnant.
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Old 19th January 2017, 3:12 PM   #22
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Do you think that came off as clingy or desperate that I initiated the relationship change first? Do you think I forced her into a relationship and she accepted because she was feeling vulnerable from her previous pain from the month before? (the player)

maybe. first i have to know if you two are sleeping together?
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Old 23rd January 2017, 12:09 AM   #23
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Most of your replies seem to be coming from jaded dudes. So here's my girl opinion...

It's Facebook. I was in a relationship for almost a year, living together, etc. and we were never "Facebook official". I was not flirting behind his back. Not cheating. I just like my privacy and honestly it is no one else's business. One of my main passions/hobbies is male dominated band as a result I have many male FB friends. Anyone that means anything to me knew I was in a relationship. Anyone that tried to flirt with me was ignored or politely informed of such.

Have you tried ::collective gasp:: talking to her about this? I am now in a new relationship and it has caused some old insecurities in me to resurface. He is aware. Because I am able to talk to him. Communication is key. You want someone to be your partner for the rest of your life? Talk to her. See what's her reasoning is. Maybe she isn't a good person and you need to move on. Maybe she's likes her privacy. Talk to her. See what she has to say. She may disappoint you. She may surprise you. But she is the only one that know the truth... the rest is speculation.
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Old 23rd January 2017, 8:52 AM   #24
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Not really sure what the problem is. Not putting the status up after dating only three months doesn't seem odd at all. You guys barely know each other or am I missing something?

The quicker she posted about an exclusive relationship the faster she burns bridges with anyone interested if you turn out to be a dud. I would take it as a compliment that she is now fully invested
The whole point of dating is that it's a trial run. Even after that 40% or so first time marriage fail so the trial run doesn't always work.
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Old 31st January 2017, 12:48 PM   #25
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Not really sure what the problem is. Not putting the status up after dating only three months doesn't seem odd at all. You guys barely know each other or am I missing something?

The quicker she posted about an exclusive relationship the faster she burns bridges with anyone interested if you turn out to be a dud. I would take it as a compliment that she is now fully invested
The whole point of dating is that it's a trial run. Even after that 40% or so first time marriage fail so the trial run doesn't always work.
My issue is that she agreed to be exclusive with me and then exhibited that behavior. If we weren't exclusive yet, there would be no problem with her keeping her options open, so to speak. But we agreed to be exclusive
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Old 31st January 2017, 1:05 PM   #26
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Heres an update:

I said a couple of weeks ago how she suddenly deleted the random local guys she added and was flirting with, and then made our relationship status visible. Now it seems like she's taking bigger strides towards showing me off-- she's uploading pics of us and pics with our kids. She even posted some pics of us kissing. Im not even sure she's ever uploaded kissy pics with exes before. Ill be honest, when I used to see girls doing that I would think "damn, these girls must be pretty insecure in their relationships."

On one hand, it makes me feel good and valued. On the other hand, it makes me a bit wary that she's almost trying to prove something to her friends/family now by showing me off like this...almost like the rebound kind of "hey look how happy i am!!" i wouldn't be feeling this way had I not found out that she was hiding me and flirting with random locals on facebook a couple of months ago..

I know she's apparently always wanted stability, and thats what I want too, but at the same time I have some kind of creeping fear that Im some sort of "pit stop" for her, so to speak. But our kids get along great so I think that kind of locks us in more? Unless Im wrong?

Responses are appreciated, especially from the posters who have replied on this thread before

Last edited by jeremyhoward; 31st January 2017 at 1:09 PM..
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Old 31st January 2017, 4:05 PM   #27
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It seems she had her doubts about you, and now all doubts are gone and she is sure. You can look at this as she is a responsible serious trust worthy woman, who consider her steps carefully, and she doesn't take rash decisions. It's a good sign, better than women who are hasty, and by that might regret often.
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Old 1st February 2017, 4:59 PM   #28
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Her interest seemed to taper off, now she's hot for me?

I started dating a girl about 4.5 months ago, only a few weeks after she got screwed over by a "bad boy" she was dating who she really liked. (She has a history of dating bad boys.) We met a few weeks after this. About 2-3 weeks after we met, we became exclusive. Fast, I know.

I knew she was yearning for a good man to come into her life. And ill be honest, seeing the guys shes dated in the past, it's safe to say im a bit "different" from them. She's dated some particularly good looking guys (who ended up ditching her, one way or the other.) Maybe Im being modest, but I dont think I measure to those guys from a PHYSICAL/LOOKS standpoint, but I know I probably treat her better than those guys did. Im very attentive towards her. I know she's been yearning for stability for herself and her son. I would like the same for me and my daughter. I really genuinely was and still am, into this woman.

It started hot and heavy. She's a pretty facebook-oriented woman, so she posted alot about the dates we went on and whatnot. I created the facebook relationship change on facebook, and she accepted, but she kept her relationship status hidden on her page for some reason. (BEFORE PEOPLE BASH ME FOR BEING CONCERNED ABOUT FACEBOOK-- HEAR ME OUT.) About a month into our relationship, she became more secretive about our relationship. All of a sudden she stopped tagging me in statuses on facebook. Which I felt was uncommon behavior for her. I did some slight snooping, only to find out that she had recently added a couple random local guys whose profiles say theyre single. I look at their pages, and see that she had gone through their pictures, Liking them, and leaving flirty comments on some of their statuses. I didn't want to bring this up to her because I didnt want to look like a stalker, so I just continued onward with my eyes open.

Just recently, she's deleted those guys from her facebook, and made our relationship status visible for the first time. (It took her nearly 4 months into our relationship to do this. It is now 4 months we've been together.) So I knew she was trying to disguise herself as being single to these guys. Which was a bit unsettling.

But after she deleted them and made our relationship status visible, she's showing me off much more now. She's uploading pictures of us, pictures of us kissing, etc. (Which im personally not a fan of. I used to view girls who uploaded kissy pictures with their boyfriends as being desperate.)
She really is showing me off now to her friends/family when before, she was basically hiding me from her other "facebook potentials" I guess. She's telling me in person, and making statuses, how excited she is for the future between us, etc. etc.

While this all feels good to hear, should I be wary? Why would she hide me from these other guys and then a couple months later, she wants to tell the world that she's so in love with me? Did she at first see me as a rebound with terminal utility to her? Am I being gamed? Or is she just "locked-in" now?

Honest opinions are appreciated
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Old 1st February 2017, 6:08 PM   #29
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As I stated to you earlier:

"You two might be ok through the Winter or even part of the Spring, but you are one argument away from all of this going south on you."

And I sill stand behind what said.

If you had to come back with another question that resembled the first one you asked on this thread you already know it's probably too good to be true.

She s content right now until she needs the validation again, which she will...and it will all go back to the opposite of how it feels now.

Your GF is the equivalent of a dry drunk who is white knuckling the validation she is addicted to, but she won't be able to hold off seeking it forever.
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