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Friend has been sleeping with a man's wife for a year. What should I say?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 6th January 2017, 3:20 PM   #16
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Never understood the "it's not black and white" argument. It is actually as black and white as it comes. If you're married and find yourself more then casually attracted to someone who isn't your spouse then you make a decision. No one says you have to stay married. But this test driving while still married is horrible.

Here is what you tell him..... Nothing, you say absolutely nothing, if he asks shrug. Here is why, he won't listen, he is all wrapped up in the dysfunction, drama and excitement of taboo sex. These things always end like a plane crash, no one walks away unharmed.

When it crashes down, then be there for your friend.
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Old 6th January 2017, 5:54 PM   #17
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Well... I'm going to be a bit evil here and say sit back and watch.

Why?

Well, if the moral argument didn't work on your friend or her then they deserve this special pit they are carving out for each other.

Your duplicitous friend is being used by someone he can't have which is probably driving him insane....

She will eventually be exposed and lose her devoting guy and a degree of her supply.

Basically it's a house of cards on a slowly heating fire.

I feel bad for the husband though. Someone should fill him in at least.

Last edited by fireflywy; 6th January 2017 at 6:01 PM..
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Old 6th January 2017, 7:31 PM   #18
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I suppose I'll have to just let the thing run its course and be there for support. In the meantime ill keep to minimal, objective input when requested. I know that's not what you want to hear, Space but I appreciate the suggestions.
It's your call. You know the situation best and at the end of the day the only one you have to answer to is yourself. Just be sure the decision you make is one you are not only comfortable with, but one that does not revisit you at a later time.
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Old 7th January 2017, 7:58 AM   #19
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Have you considered telling your friend that you can not be friends with him due to his cheating ways?


Have you considered telling the BH so he can stop being abused?
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Old 7th January 2017, 3:08 PM   #20
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My take would be to pull myself away from the friendship. If your friend can have an affair with another friend's wife .... he could do the same to you.

I don't need those kind of friends in my life.

The black and white argument is a convenient excuse for crappy behaviour IMO.
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Old 8th January 2017, 4:15 AM   #21
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I would give the cheating couple a chance to come clean and if they refused I would inform the person being cheated on. I would hate to have been put in this position but having been I would have to do the right thing.
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Old 8th January 2017, 5:43 AM   #22
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There are times they just met the right person but after they married the wrong one.
If as you say that "There are times they just met the right person but after they married the wrong one", that does not explain cheating behind a spouse's back instead of telling the truth and ending the marriage prior to having sex with an affair partner.

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It's not all black and white like some feel....sometimes good things come out of bad situations.
I call bull to you saying that cheating is "not all black and white". The cheater does not get to lie and sneak behind their spouse's back as they secretly explores other options in order to do what is only best for them with little regard for their loyal nice guy spouse. It is black and white. If a cheater wants to explore their romantic options, nothing stops them from ending the marriage and doing so as a single person.
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Old 8th January 2017, 6:56 AM   #23
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All three are about 30 years old. The couple had been together for 8 years, then got married and are almost at the 2 year mark. No kids involved.

My friend and the woman started as friends then gradually became more intimate. Now they are both passionate about each other and have had lots of sex. At one point my friend stopped seeing her and tried a different girl out but said he couldn't do it because it felt like cheating and it also made the married chick sick and she lost weight.

My friend wants the married girl to leave her husband and date him instead. The husband has been described as a "nice guy" who worships the ground she walks on. Shes not attracted to him while my friend is in the picture but she likes her husband's devotion and love and niceness.

So Im trying to figure out what to tell my friend. Should I just stay out of it? I have a text prepared that reads: "I've thought a bit more about your situation. You are participating in an arrangement that is not sustainable. The longer it goes on the more screwed up its going to get. And currently there's only one person out of the three of you getting exactly what they want, and that's her. In my humble opinion 1 year is more than enough time for her to make a decision. I feel like she's playing you."

Any advice would be great.
Tell him that : "if she cheated for you, she will cheat on you". if he doesn't get it, inform him that your friendship is on hold because you can't support his participation in a cheating arrangement.
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Old 8th January 2017, 7:03 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by Try View Post
If as you say that "There are times they just met the right person but after they married the wrong one", that does not explain cheating behind a spouse's back instead of telling the truth and ending the marriage prior to having sex with an affair partner.

I call bull to you saying that cheating is "not all black and white". The cheater does not get to lie and sneak behind their spouse's back as they secretly explores other options in order to do what is only best for them with little regard for their loyal nice guy spouse. It is black and white. If a cheater wants to explore their romantic options, nothing stops them from ending the marriage and doing so as a single person.
Cheating takes on different forms, different motivations, and does end with different results negative AND positive ones. I'm explaining the reasons and the results of such behavior isn't so CUT AND DRY....is it right? Hell no, I never said it was ok or acceptable in any of my posts so why are you all getting all up in my a$$ about it. We are not being asked if this is wrong or not, we are asked what would we would do in this situation. I give my advice as objectively as possible without being judgemental. This horse has been beaten to death. We know cheating is wrong already, do we really need to keep repeating it like a damn parrot? NO! now let's just move on..........Jesus tap dancing Christ. lol
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Old 10th January 2017, 11:21 AM   #25
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How do you accept being friends with someone with no ethics. If he will do other men's wives he will do your friends wives or yours.

Tell the other man how long his wife has been unfaithful to him, anonymously if that helps, and dump your friend. BTDT
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Old 10th January 2017, 6:24 PM   #26
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How do you accept being friends with someone with no ethics. If he will do other men's wives he will do your friends wives or yours.

Tell the other man how long his wife has been unfaithful to him, anonymously if that helps, and dump your friend. BTDT
And, that is the truth.
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Old 11th January 2017, 3:43 PM   #27
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OP,

You are judged by the company you keep, fair or not. Tell the Husband and ditch this 'friend'. He would do the same thing to you if given the opportunity.
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Old 12th January 2017, 12:30 AM   #28
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As far as being friends. This is a guy I went to college with. We became tight during that time and a little while after, but since then we live our own lives. He lives in a different state and we communicate through text mainly. Have planned to meet up one time in 2017. We dont share our day to day, but there is a group of us from college who remain close who we confide in mainly about relationship stuff or dumb memes.

I dont think me ditching him as a friend will do much other than rob him of an attempted voice of reason. He knows exactly how I feel about the whole situation, but that was back when I first heard about it. From then on it was mainly just convincing him why it may be in his best interest to get out.

As for informing the husband, I've never met him or his wife. They are in the same state as my friend. Seen a few pictures is all. I know nothing about the couple other than the info I get from my friend. If I were to stalk the husband to get his last name and then inform him that his wife is cheating, Im sure my friend would have a good idea it was me or one of our group who did it.

Last edited by Blueplate; 12th January 2017 at 12:37 AM..
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Old 12th January 2017, 6:23 AM   #29
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So who cares that he will suspect. You are not losing a good man.
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Old 12th January 2017, 1:14 PM   #30
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As far as being friends. This is a guy I went to college with. We became tight during that time and a little while after, but since then we live our own lives. He lives in a different state and we communicate through text mainly. Have planned to meet up one time in 2017. We dont share our day to day, but there is a group of us from college who remain close who we confide in mainly about relationship stuff or dumb memes.

As for informing the husband, I've never met him or his wife. They are in the same state as my friend. Seen a few pictures is all. I know nothing about the couple other than the info I get from my friend. If I were to stalk the husband to get his last name and then inform him that his wife is cheating, Im sure my friend would have a good idea it was me or one of our group who did it.
Doesn't sound like you'd be losing much. Find out who the husband is and tell him.

Knights Oath clip.... https://youtu.be/6p1EuLz9Fes

“Be without fear in the face of your enemies.
Be brave and upright that God may love thee.
Speak the truth always, even if it leads to your death.
Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong – that is your oath"

Last edited by fireflywy; 12th January 2017 at 1:17 PM..
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