LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Dating > Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

Girlfriend's crush gone too far? Deeper issues?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

Like Tree18Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 4th January 2017, 2:38 AM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 3
Girlfriend's crush gone too far? Deeper issues?

Hi everyone. First just to put things into context: My girlfriend and I have been in a stable 6 year relationship. We had a few bumps along the way, in the first year she restarted communication with an old flame and even went out with their common friends together a few times. When I insisted it bothered me she eventually put a stop to it. In year 3 I went to student exchange for 6 months and my friend reported he saw a guy trying to kiss her after they flirted heavily in a club... When I asked her she lied about it in three different versions until saying what is probably the truth.

Finally, this year she started to study for an important post-doctoral exam and studied in the library where she met a guy but hasn't talked to until last month...One day she left her social network opened and I saw her messaging with her best friend saying she developed a few month long crush on this guy and that she even wanted to leave me for a week or two until she snapped out of it, and apparently she snapped out of it even more when she finally talked to the guy and her illusion of him was bursted but even after this i think she still had the hots for him and they even went out a few times for coffee and clubbing with common acquaintances and colleague.

She is the kind of person that has a crush every 6-12 months and I managed to deal with it but it seems to me this went too far...is this emotional infidelity?
To be honest she did not add the guy to Facebook or ever messaged him or ever seen him alone.

Also to be honest, and I think this might bother her, although she always denied it when I asked,in the beginning of the relationship I have became close friends with a girl I was seeing for a really short while before i met my girlfriend.

Also in the last year I felt kind of unsupported from my girlfriend concerning to a serious illness in the family and apparently she felt unsupported too during her studying period for the stressful exam.

How should I react? Is she trustworthy? Could her shady behaviour be my fault because of maintaining a close friendship with a former crush of mine?

I really don't want to leave her because in so many aspects our relationship is great and we do love each other but this time this whole crush thing really got to me especially since it happened during a very very stressful period of the family illness I mentioned so i feel very resentful and angry.

I could use any outside perspective, thanks!
JohnnyBlack is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2017, 2:59 AM   #2
Established Member
 
umirano's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Old World
Posts: 1,480
I don't think actions of one partner cause the other partner to crush on someone. This happens independently.

Anyway, you both aren't fully committed, and in the case of your GF, crushing every 6 months is a red flag. Not caring very much under special circumstances (sickness, exam stress) is a sign you're with each other for comfort, not because of a meaningful, deep, personal relation.

I think you should break up and deal with your personal situations and then date someone else.
__________________
I don't read posts with full quotes > 10 lines.
umirano is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2017, 3:18 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Elswyth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 23,624
Wow. Definitely leave her.

I'm fine with minor "celeb crushes", but her crush on a real-life person, to that magnitude, is going waaaaay too far.
__________________
~Perfection is about accepting that we cannot control everything and letting go of some of our preconceived notions.~ -Spiritofnow-
Elswyth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2017, 3:22 AM   #4
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 3
Well I might have overestimated, its more like she has a crush once a year...but I feel that fleeting crushes are common in longterm relationships and harmless if not acted upon.

Also, I do have to say that in retrospect I do feel like she hasn't been so unsupportive I felt at the moment...It was more like I often had to tell her what I needed, but I guess you can't expect form a person to instinctively know everything.

Also i don't think I was really unsupportive during her exam, since I offered help and to talk really often but she distanced herself...
I think she felt unsupported because of the fact I kept going to coffee breaks with this female friend of mine. Its just hard to know since she won't admit to it.

Last edited by JohnnyBlack; 4th January 2017 at 3:25 AM..
JohnnyBlack is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2017, 3:41 AM   #5
Established Member
 
umirano's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Old World
Posts: 1,480
Only you know which of your posts more closely reflects reality. But people like being in relationships, and people often recreate reality in their minds such that it feels comfortable. If you have reasons to believe that that's what you're doing here, you also should let her go.

If you feel that you grossly exaggerated in your first post you might want to consider couples counseling because the underlying issue remains. And no, regularly crushing on outsiders is not something I find common place in stable LTRs.
Ronnys93 likes this.
umirano is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2017, 4:05 AM   #6
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 3
I know it may sound like rationalisation after what I firstly wrote, but I am trying my best to be objective. Truth is I am extra sensitive because of the family situation so it is hard for me to see things right.
JohnnyBlack is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2017, 5:26 AM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 5,152
Dating is the job interview for marriage. She failed dump her.
road is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2017, 7:01 AM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Depends on the day
Posts: 259
Why would you crush on someone else when you are in love with someone else?

You and your female friend ever go out clubbing together with out your gf?

Does your gf have other male friends?

She is not in love with you, her behavior shows this. Sorry, but she has shown her true self over the past years. Her actions are not those of someone that is in love.
usa1ah is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2017, 8:29 AM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,490
Duh ! You both are in a relationship and crushing on others. What am I missing ? lol
mikeylo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2017, 9:37 AM   #10
Established Member
 
BluesPower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,707
As usual...

As usual...

There is more to this than you realize. I won't say the obvious that we all know what has happened a time or two.

Standard advice, dump her and find a woman that won't cheat.

Yada, yada, yada...

See everyone, it is guys like OP that seem to give woman the impression that they can do what they want with who they want and then the comfortable husband/BF will blindly take them back BECAUSE THEY ARE WEAK MEN.

Just like the single girls vacation thread, when they actually run into an actual man that won't stand for this, they just cannot imagine that he is being so controlling.

What society has done to our male population is simply astounding...
bachdude and usa1ah like this.
BluesPower is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2017, 10:55 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 646
Dude, seriously, the evidence you have found is all you need. She gets crushes and pushes the envelope with these guys.

She doesn't just get a little crush and then handle it appropriately. She pushes things and eventually, if it hasn't happened already, things will get away from her and she very likely will cheat.

I'm a realist. I recognize that people will come across our paths that we feel a connection with or chemistry. People who deny this, I think, are living in dream land. It's how people handle these moments that determine who are adults and who are children.

Your GF fails miserably in this department.

This forum is FILLED with guys, including me, who married a woman in spite of all the reg flags staring us in the face.

And we paid a heavy price for it.

Don't make excuses for her and rationalize it away.

Remember, once you get married and have kids, if she cheats, she will still likely get to keep the kids, plus child support, plus alimony, plus HALF of what you own, including the house, business you have built, and anything else.

Marriage is no light thing to get into with a person. It's dead serious business.

My advise to you......bail.

Good luck , man.
bachdude is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2017, 2:57 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Darren Steez's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,461
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyBlack View Post
but I feel that fleeting crushes are common in longterm relationships and harmless if not acted upon.
But she acted on it and talked to the guy.

And no, crushes once a year with different people are not the norm. You may flirt, have banter yes, but crushes are emotional, feelings of love and if the conditions are right they definitely can turn into something much more.

Your problem is she's acting on it and hiding it from you. If she can develop a crush and disconnect from you then what's stopping her from meeting a cute guy on a night out and if he pursues her not acting on it? She's already proven she can put you out of mind.

My friend, make excuses for her but don't act shocked she's crushing on dudes and acting on it.
Pill likes this.
Darren Steez is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2017, 3:00 PM   #13
Established Member
 
smackie9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Surrey BC Canada
Posts: 9,534
Emotional infidelity...yes. It's not mental illness...I know you are trying to find reason with it but the simple fact is, she is with you because you are stable and reliable, but is emotionally unsatisfied with the relationship...so she seeks her emotional boosts (dopamine) through these crushes/fantasies.

You are kidding yourself if you think this can be fixed. The answer is to start fresh with someone new, and let her do the same.
__________________

You are a fool if you believe that having each others passwords = trust.
smackie9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2017, 3:01 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Darren Steez's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,461
Quote:
Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
As usual...

There is more to this than you realize. I won't say the obvious that we all know what has happened a time or two.

Standard advice, dump her and find a woman that won't cheat.

Yada, yada, yada...

See everyone, it is guys like OP that seem to give woman the impression that they can do what they want with who they want and then the comfortable husband/BF will blindly take them back BECAUSE THEY ARE WEAK MEN.

Just like the single girls vacation thread, when they actually run into an actual man that won't stand for this, they just cannot imagine that he is being so controlling.

What society has done to our male population is simply astounding...
I don't think it's weakness per say. If the OP had three other girls ready to jump him he would probably say goodbye to her in heartbeat.

Women generally get hit on more, thus they know even if they split from their guys there are probably five orbiting her ready to pounce.

OP is making excuses trying to convince himself on why he should stay even though she's blatantly disrespecting him.

I bet the OP can take care of himself in a fight, but when it comes to emotions, it's a different story.
Pill likes this.
Darren Steez is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2017, 3:07 PM   #15
Established Member
 
BluesPower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,707
I am sorry, it is weak...

I am sorry, it is weak...

If, as a man, you put up with this type of stuff, you are weak.

What some men don't seem to understand is that like men, women are a dime a dozen.

If one does you wrong, find a new one. It is really not that hard.

I am sure that I am missing something...
Pill likes this.
BluesPower is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
VENT re Upcoming Anniversary and Deeper Issues thirtysomethingteen Marriage & Life Partnerships 6 5th November 2014 9:27 PM
need help regarding a crush and virginity issues darkwings In Search Of... 27 10th February 2013 1:33 AM
Falling deeper and deeper Whisky1981 Coping 10 23rd April 2012 12:18 PM
I have a crush(with issues!) katterskacy Dating 0 13th July 2009 11:46 AM
Sinking deeper.....and deeper yonex Dating 15 20th February 2009 9:13 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 1:18 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.