Originally Posted by unbeknown
So, Whilst I'm sat in my girlfriends bed my phone lights up, it's a new message request from someone on Facebook. My internet wouldn't connect so I waited until I got home. "Your girlfriend was in my bed three weeks ago, it's not the first time it's happened either" it read.
I recognise the name and believe it to ba an ex of hers so I don't want to accuse her straight away (in case it's just a case of jealousy on his part) so I reply asking for proof. He doesn't have any messages saved but sent me a screenshot of a photo she had apparently sent him on snapchat but it was with a festival wrist band on she had cut off when I was only dating her in the early stages. So that's why I am dubious.
A few messages back and forth with him and he has said a few things, quite personal, that he would only know from her directly - such as where I work, what we had argued over recently, and finally he said that she asked him to go down on her orally because I don't like doing it, which is true.
As much as I want to not believe him, where else would he get these facts from? I feel sick to my stomach. I can't eat I feel so physically sick. This all apparently happened the day after we made up from a pretty big row and had promised no more lies (she was lying to me about something so does have a history of it). I just can't believe someone would do it the day after, especially considering how cut up she was when we argued and she thought I was about to break up with her. She was devastated, and yet 'apparently' has done this the day after I forgive her.
I don't know how to approach this. What shall I say to her? She's in work until 9pm tonight. I'm not seeing her next until New Years Eve where we had a fun night out planned. Do I wait until I see her in person?
Since I am a proponent of the "Burn The Witches" school of thought in most cases I'd be telling you to burn the witch today. However in the spirit of the season and wanting to respond in less reactionary manner than I usually do, lets examine your post, shall we?
Let's look at a few things, and stick with me. You make up your own mind but I just want to point some things out in order to give you some food for thought.
1. Generally most people would not go out of their way to send a message to a new boyfriend claiming that their current Girlfriend was in their bed recently.Unless of course this guy had 1 of 2 motives.
A. He has an axe to grind with you, or her. By that motive he would like to see you two have as much internal strife as possible as some act of revenge against her through you....
B. He may actually feel somewhat guilty and may in fact be trying to tell you that your GF is not what she claims to be.
BOTH could be a possibility. Generally though if he was trying to stick it to you he would much rather taunt you with a a followup asking what you were going to do about it. Young guys that are in this position tend to not stop at just informing and then answering questions at random about it after few back and forths. The taunting factor about banging your GF would be too delicious a prospect if it was to be done maliciously in the hopes you would flip out and challenge him to a fight. The "Piss and Vinegar" option is what I would call that
Guys tend to want to mark their territory especially in a case like this, so if he was not taunting you or telling you what a sucker you were, then that would give me some serious pause.
2. So he sent you a pic of a wristband. The fact of the matter is that he has the pic at all. You tow may have been in the early stages of dating, but you WERE dating. More circumstantial proof than actual proof, but time frames do matter with circumstantial evidence. Even if you were in the beginnings of the relationship, don't new lover usually have stars in their eyes for the new kid in town?
Why in fact does he even have this screenshot if he is an ex?
3. His knowledge of your personal business. ESPECIALLY the oral thing?
How would he know you don't like it? I can understand if he knew where you worked, that is not out of the ordinary. But he oral thing is a definitive piece of knowledge that not everyone would know or even put out here unless he was informed of it. Who informed him other than her? Was there a little birdie that took offence that you are not a seafood fan and flew in his window and dropped off a note?
4. She has a history of lying. Are the lies by omission, minimizing , outright whoppers or a combination of all 3. Lies by omission and minimalization are exponentially more damaging than a straight out whopper, because you can always call somebody out on a whopper that is easily disproved.
5. The "Row". She thought you were going to dump her. Was it over a lie? did it have something to do with this or another guy? Would she seek his counsel after such a big blowout? Can a timeline of events that coincide with the alleged sexual event be correlated?
I know, young man.. a lot to think about.
However, as opposed to many people who find themselves the victim of infidelity with no advance warning you have a decided advantage.
And that advantage is that someone spoke up. So rather than have a "pie in the sky" suspicion you have the words of someone who informed you.
While that does not seem like a lot right now to hang into or even make a decision based on, you now have a STARTING POINT an an ACTION that someone undertook.
In the spirit of trying to give you the best possible help I can, I am going to advise you at this point, being you already have some advance warning, that since you do not plan to see her before New Year's Eve, that you can take this time to not only think very hard about what I floated out to you, but you can get some further clarification from this guy and you have the balance of this week to do so.
Unless this guy is dead set on being a turd in the punchbowl, he can be manipulated by you to get more info an solid proof from him. Unless he is also a complete and utter dumbass, he thrust himself into an untenable position by even making contact with you. So by doing so the onus is on him to give you more proof. He put himself into a lose lose situation by contacting you, so unless he totally did not think this through he will have more proof.
Use that resource for all you can in the next few days. He put himself on the map, force his hand to show you the goods. What happens when pressed will say alot.
You keep silent to your Girlfriend right now. If something is going on, with the Holiday upon us now, she is bound to Phyuck up.
Let her make the first move as to whether her actions match up with her words. Being he let the proverbial cat out of the bag it would be useless at this point for them to attempt to get their stories straight. That ship sailed.
there can be only one of 2 answers here. Either he is a drama queen or he wants to spare you further drama. He may b a wealth of info about your GF so keep the line of communication open with him, even if you have to manipulate him or cajole or threaten him. Just do it, It will only be for a short term and one way or another you won't need him any more after next week. Because either what he says is true or it isn't.
Call his bluff.
In the meantime, if your GF even mentions him in any capacity act. like you did not hear it. If she has any inkling you know something she will go on a fishing expedition to find out what you know and would only admit to what she thinks you do.
So play your cards close to your vest.
Most importantly, drink plenty of fluids, avoid alcohol at all costs and if you must confide in someone you can trust, like a family member. Keeping this to you self for even a few days may be too much to handle unless you tell somebody you trust.
Good Luck and let us know your thoughts once you gather them.