Did she cheat?

[Whitestar]

Hi.

 

I'm a year out from a very bad breakup with a girl I lived with for 3 years. The reason I'm posting is that I have this horrible suspicion that she was cheating on me while she was living with me and I cant get it out of my mind. Please I need some kind of closure.

 

First I should say I always had total and complete trust in her for almost the entire duration during our relationship. She was a classic 'nice girl', warm, friendly, funny nerdy, bookish my first girlfriend and my college sweetheart (think Winona Ryder). We were emotionally close even though we didn't have sex often.

 

A few months before we broke up we started spending time with a good friend of mine, a girl. My ex and my friend got on very well to the point that I did experience some jealousy and talked about with her. She laughed off the idea and she seemed very sincere about it. She had demonstrated what a sincere person she was many times in our relationship in many contexts so I trusted her.

 

Later I found out she had been going round her place and hanging out without me but again she said it was purely a friendship thing.

 

Later still, we were having a lot of arguments and we agreed she would go to her moms for a few weeks over Christmas without me. I had a lot of college work to do so that seemed reasonable. I missed her terribly but she seemed very cool and distant on the phone.

 

Later when I went to the airport to meet her (she had said I didn't need to do that) she wasn't on the plane. I tried calling her mom but she coldly said I had to speak to her. I was very worried thinking I had missed her somehow so I frantically called everyone I knew. Eventually )I dont know why) I went to my friends house to see if she had heard anything.

 

When I visited her house, her housemates, who i knew, told me my girlfriend had been there earlier that day asking about renting a room in the house. They told me my friend and girlfriend had gone out for a drink. I was about to leave when they came back into the house. My girlfriend was shocked and furious to see me and stormed off into the street and I went after her. In the very weird and awful conversation that followed as we walked she said she we were through, didn't give any explanation and was very angry not at all upset.

 

A week later, having moved out, she told me that she was now with my friend. She swore that this had been completely unplanned and she hadn't cheated on me and I wanted at the time to believe her and that the events I detailed were purely coincidental.

 

Its only recently I have recovered from the deep depression sufficiently to even be able to clearly think about what happened. What do you think? I don't have much experience with women or relationships. Am I being paranoid or is it likely she was cheating all the time and the "nice girl" persona was just an act ? Please, I need some kind of closure and any advice would be kind.

 

PS She is no longer with this girl. She is doing a Masters in Theology and planning to become a priest. That's the kind of ethical person I thought she was...

Edited December 25, 2016 by Whitestar

[Marc878]

No contact block her on everything. Your gut instincts were right. Move on quickly you don't need this in our life

 

Typical cheater story and you want to believe her lies because not to destroys the pedestal you put her on.

 

You're in the typical denial phase. Do yourself a favor and get real

Edited December 25, 2016 by Marc878

[BluesPower]

Yes she was cheating on you the whole time she was hanging out with you friend, who was a girl.

[Satu]

One year.

 

Time to start putting the ghost to bed.

 

 

Take care.

[Whitestar]

No contact block her on everything. Your gut instincts were right. Move on quickly you don't need this in our life

 

Typical cheater story and you want to believe her lies because not to destroys the pedestal you put her on.

 

You're in the typical denial phase. Do yourself a favor and get real

 

Yes this is probably true... I just don't want to believe that about her despite the evidence. I'm usually quite intuitive about people and I was getting constant "gut feelings" something was very wrong for a while. I just didn't want to believe it of her

 

PS I am not homophobic in any way.. its the cheating that I am very upset about

[LD1990]

Why does it matter at this point?

 

You two aren't together anymore. You will probably never know with 100-percent certainty whether or not she cheated on you, and really, it doesn't change anything at this point. The relationship is over. You just have to accept that whatever happened, happened.

[Gloria25]

I just didn't want to believe it of her

 

Well, can you think of why you didn't want to believe the worst of her?

 

I'm sorry, but intelligence/career/profession, etc. IMO, have no direct correlation to values and character. I mean, there are people who are priests that molest children. You have doctors who are more worried about billing you for hours for treatment you don't need, so they can buy another vacation home.

 

And "nerdy", "down home" type? Pleeze. I know ugly, homely, inexperienced, "nerdy" chicks to be quite what you don't expect. When I was in the military, one chick was married, just had a baby and still had tummy/belly fat, didn't wear make-up/manicures, was "quiet", kept to herself....one day we were out training away from her husband and all that and she was dancing up on me in the club. Not sure if she was bi or whatever. Oh, and mind you, next day she was going to church (literally) and was dressed like she was Mother Theresa.

 

I, myself am a conundrum; and, I think that's why dude did a 180 on me. I am a VERY conservative person. I have a seriously religious side too. I usually dress in baggy clothes, but when I'm with a dude (or in his case, trying to look nice for him) I can put on some sexy stuff. Dude might think that cuz I was so forward with him that I'm hitting on every guy within earshot and have a bedroom that's a revolving door - when fact is, before him I had stopped seeing a guy that broke up with me only after a few months of us seeing each other; and, that before him, the last time I had sex was about over three years ago.

 

So, you can't take what you see at face value. You have to spend time with people and get the whole picture, and seems like that's what you did. You saw what "appeared" to be a moral side - yet, she did things that made you question her trust. So, you gotta use your head and make the right decision - but appears you are in denial here. Oh, and did she move in with you to get you to help with her bills? Another sign of a manipulator/user...sorry.

 

So, yes, IMO, she cheated - she may be a good manipulator and no matter what she's going to school from or how her parents raised her....her actions speak to the contrary. I mean, dude, when sex ends and/or slows down is usually the first clue that something's wrong. Me? Since I met dude, I can't even think about having sex with another guy (even though me and him haven't even kissed yet) - although I have opportunities to get laid left/right.

 

So sorry, it stings, but learn this lesson and next time maybe its time to follow your gut.

 

Well wishes...

[whichwayisup]

Yes this is probably true... I just don't want to believe that about her despite the evidence. I'm usually quite intuitive about people and I was getting constant "gut feelings" something was very wrong for a while. I just didn't want to believe it of her

 

PS I am not homophobic in any way.. its the cheating that I am very upset about

 

Chances are it wasn't physical cheating, maybe more emotional cheating and she became attached to your friend.

[Space Ritual]

Please I need some kind of closure.

 

You got all the closure you needed when she showed you by her actions who she was.

 

Look, people like to bandy around the "closure" word, but it is fleeting at best.

 

 

More often than not, people who go seeking it never get anything close to it. And if they do receive some form of it, it will not be anything they expect. And you'll probably kick yourself in the arse for even inquiring.

 

Some things are better left unsought, and to have as a passing thought on occasion as you lie awake in bed as your last thought before you drift off to sleep on a rainy night. This is one of them.

 

The term has been explored so many times in bad movies that star Diane Lane and books that are put out by Harlequin that the term literally has been transformed into meaning little more than an exercise in futility.

 

At this rate time enough has passed to where she really does not give one iota what you think anyway. If she had she would have come running back a blubbering mess long ago and laid herself at your mercy to forgive her transgressions. That did not happen, so that WAS the closure...

 

The point that we often seek answers as to why people betray us or lie right to our faces. The answer is always the same, regardless of what they may say or try to spin it when pressed.

 

And that answer is that they could betray you or lie to you with a smile on their face because ultimately they only cared about numero uno, and nothing and nobody else.

 

I am sorry that is probably the last thing you want to hear, but it is in your best interest that you move on and not subject yourself to her or a weak explanation that you would receive if she even cared to opine.

 

Put her out of your mind and don't go looking for the answer, you won't like what you find.

[Whitestar]

Thanks for your reply.

I'm not sure why this issue is important to me. A simple break up would be easier to deal with and allow me to keep my fond feelings for her and our time together. Maybe its that I hate the idea of them both together laughing behind my back at my naivety. i should leave it alone but I guess like Oedipus I have to know even if it destroys me in the process....

[CommittedToThis]

I just don't want to believe that about her despite the evidence.

 

Hi WS,

 

It can be very confusing to be presented with the idea that someone we cared for and trusted can have two sides, one of them pretty much unknown to us.

 

Listen man: she deceived you. She lied to you, discarded you. She is clearly lacking in integrity despite her pious side which she seems eager to project to an unsuspecting world.

 

It's been a year, WS. Time to let it go and if at all possible, try to turn your thinking around from caring for her to being grateful all that confusion and deception are no longer clouding your thoughts.

 

She messed you over, it happens. You're still here and stronger for the experience. Hang in there.

[Space Ritual]

I know why it is important to you, and totally understand.

 

All of us have a burning desire to know exactly what we did wrong that would turn someone we love against us with such rapidity. And not for any reason that we would want to correct it. We are generally stunned that it happened in the first place, and we always feel we deserve an answer upon demand.

 

The sad thing is that when someone pulls a stunt like this on another person, any answer they are going to give is self justifying. They could have been honest with us beforehand and told us that in their estimation this just wasn't working out. But to do so would involve a direct confrontation, and during a direct confrontation it is likely that in moment of our surprise we would attempt to make a statement that we would like to rectify whatever is wrong.

 

But that statement during a confrontation would be of little consequence other than for them to feel a pang of guilt. because they already are involved with another person unbeknownst to us.

 

So asking for an explanation after the fact is only worth it if you can be guaranteed with 100 percent certainty that they not only feel bad about it but actually have come to suffer some form of consequence of their actions that would motivate them to give you an honest explanation.

 

That is a pipe dream in and of itself. It just is not going to happen.

 

People will by nature grip on to any hope of not being discovered or having to answer for something they did like Grim Death if they have even a glimmer of a possibility they can gen through it without having to be honest.

[Whitestar]

I thank you all for your comments and observations.

 

The thing which left be deeply and fundamentally confused me and caused me endlessly rumination was that even if there were things she didn't like, why didn't she talk to me and give me a chance to change? We are both intelligent, emphatic people and she knew me well enough to know I would would do anything for her especially to preserve our relationship. I just didn't make sense that she would suddenly break up with me without any explanation or possibility for fixing things. Certainly I hadn't done any of the things that might reasonable provoke such behavior like cheat on her or hit her or anything like that. But false premises lead to false conclusions. If you assume that she wasn't a nice girl at all but a cheat then her behavior makes sense. She broke up with me simply to be with her lover not because of anything I did or didn't do. She didn't want me or the relationship to change, she wanted her. The fact they were a couple a week after our break up pretty much confirms it even to a blind fool like me

 

The truth is ugly but the truth does set you free I guess. I doubt if I will ever be able to trust a women again...

[CommittedToThis]

The thing which left be deeply and fundamentally confused me and caused me endlessly rumination was that even if there were things she didn't like, why didn't she talk to me and give me a chance to change?

 

There is the possibility she suffers from a Cluster B personality disorder; if she has any childhood abandonment issues, it's possible she fears losing you so she's lined up a Plan B and so far it's working out. If it doesn't work out I predict she will be in contact with you.

 

Did she ever provoke you to anger? Gas light you? Say things to indicate she wasn't happy with you in a joking fashion? Was she belittling to you, or did she ever humiliate you, put you down? Throw angry tantrums?