Why do I Repel all men?!!

[Summer2017]

So I'm 29, normal weight, I'm not a babe but I'm not completely unfortunate looking. Something is wrong with me. I repel all men except my ex who I can't seem to move on from (even though I try really, really hard!!!!!!) I am on Tinder for a month now and CANNOT get a date. I match with lots of guys. Some chat to me. Some don't. The ones that do don't seem to have much interest in asking me out (they usually chat to me for ages and it goes nowhere!) ...and when they do ask me out, they have invariably cancelled plans last minute (3 times in a row).

 

Tonight though, I thought things were on the up, I had been chatting to a guy (messaging, sending picture updates of everything from our food to what we were watching on tv) for about a week, we'd organised a date, the signs were good, he was really funny and sweet, kept messaging me on the day, really specific about times and the place, I dressed up (looked really nice might I add), went to the place, he wasn't outside like he said he'd be, I went to the loo, then stood outside again for a bit, called him on wats app and then his ordinary phone in case he had poor reception, messaged him and nothing!

 

From sending me pictures of his morning coffees and messaging last thing at night to nothing??!! And I know how needy and ridiculous that sounds but even though I tried to be realistic about the messaging, he kinda worked his way into my brain a bit so it really hurt when he was a no show, it was like some freaky mind game and I couldn't believe it. So I called it a day/night and figured he'd stood me up or seen me and bolted... did I really look that bad? I took a selfie in another loo and didn't think so. The thing is I recognize that I need a relationship.

 

I have been single for so long ass time now (almost two years). Before that I was in a really long relationship. About 6 months ago, I was exhausted and from sheer lonliness & continual rejections got back with my ex for a little while only to have it not work out again. I'm the kind of person who needs company. I love being in a relationship. At the moment I'm in a new city and don't have a huge friendship circle and have no family nearby.

 

Over the last two years, I have crushed HARD on four different guys (friends and people I worked with)... only to repel them, like absolutely repel them, they don't talk to me, come to parties of mutual friends that i'm at, don't like my facebook comments, ...they could probably tell I liked them (I wear my emotions on my face) and they literally want nothing to do with me. And now, I am really trying to be realistic, get a life, and not crush on people. I want to have a normal dating life but feel like I need to be a model to get laid.

 

I am throwing myself into Tinder and NOTHING is coming of it. I am feeling really exasperated. I just want a relationship but for some reason I repel men who I like. At this stage, I feel like I could sit in the middle of a bar in a thong and a sign saying do me and no one would want anything to do with me. :lmao:

Edited November 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[olivetree]

Could it be that you are acting way too eager and available?

 

Most men like a little chase, not to think the woman is in the bag out of the gate without really getting to know them.

 

You'd probably not be attracted to a guy that seemed desperate to be in a relationship too. Leaves you feeling like he could be with anyone with a pulse = major turn off.

 

If you're texting with guys all day long before meeting, it really takes the thrill out of things / is too familiar and you've not even met them.

[Javelin]

I repel all men except my ex who I can't seem to move on from (even though I try really, really hard!!!!!!)

 

You may think that I'm pulling your leg, but men can sense that you're carrying invisible baggage (in the form of your ex) and steer clear of you. At the moment you're trouble and no one has time for games. Also, the last thing a guy wants is to be in competition with another guy, especially an ex boyfriend.

 

Let me put it this way, essentially you have a red stop sign over your head, which is only visible to males. The sign reads, 'I'm in desperate need of a relationship!'

 

If you want the stop sign to go away, then I would suggest that you:

 

1) Stop texting your ex

2) Stop hanging out with him (depends how close he is to you, since you moved.)

3) Delete his number, and drop any other form of communication with him (Facebook, etc.)

4) Move on with your life, without him in it

5) Learn to not need company 24/7!

 

When you're finally drama free and your ex scent trail has left you, guys will take the chance.

Edited November 9, 2016 by Javelin

[smackie9]

We get questions like this all the time....the problem is we can only guess. IMO it's not going to be much help to you. I suggest you invest in a couple of sessions with a dating coach to get an honest opinion.

[Osmium13]

Give it a chance!

 

You've had a month of trying to meet people on Tinder, who are probably desperate and insecure - hence they're on Tinder!

 

BTW, if you go sit in a bar in just a thong - do let us know how that goes

[mrs rubble]

I agree with the other posters, you may be giving off a very needy vibe.

Tinder is really not a great place to find a relationship IMO- it's known as more of a hook-up site, than a serious dating site. If you really want to try online dating, try a classier site.

I think your best bet is to give up looking for romance and concentrate on making new friends in your new city, join a club, persue some hobbies. You've got a better chance of meeting someone when you're content with your own place in life, and you're surrounded by likeminded people.

[Leigh 87]

Honestly, men are visual and most of them are drawn to feminine attractive women. Sorry. If you are average looking, then you will probabably need to wear more flattering clothes that boost your feminine allure (men mostly love hourglass or pear shaped with a smaller minority favouring stick thin or flabby) AND/OR, get your make up hair and colour pallete assessed and sorted; you would be amazed how much better I look in warm tones as opposes to navy blue and cool tones!

 

Oftentimes, most people tend to have a slow burn where looks are not the initial catalyst to turn the persons head and captivate them. Most women are like you; and they end up getting men through their brains and personalities. But this common way of finding Mr right takes time usually, as the men woll not normally be bessotted with you or excited by you upon first sight/ interaction. You need to actually focus on hanging out with men and waiting until someone falls for you basically in absense of the lust at first site thing that most cute, pretty and beautiful women garner.

 

Style matters. I am only average by nature, maybe a 6. But I have become great at make up and I dress feminine and look very feminine. I make my waist look small and make my waist look defined when compared to my bottom and hips. I have full lips so I use volumizer to ephasise them.

 

There are absolutely ways for 5 and 6s to look like 7s and 8s and get mens attention.

 

Or else, you could just wait a little longer and focus more on going to the right places and how to meet and attract the right kinds of men and people, into your life. A skill beautiful women should also adopt and employ daily.

 

I would just invest in a stylist and have fun with your hair, make up and body shape. You will feel new and refreshed with a renewed confidence! A mixture of asthetic asessments and improvements and also focusing on meeting more men ans also, the right types of men- is a winning combination.

 

Sorry to have come accross harsh; I know how men work by now and yeah, they are mostly visual and will always pay attention to cute and attractive women first.

 

I was in your position so I overhauled my style and now get loads of adoration and attention from cute and decent men. It took a few years but I am there now and I know you can do it too.

[Buddhist]

The thing is I recognize that I need a relationship. I have been single for so long ass time now (almost two years). I'm the kind of person who needs company. I love being in a relationship. At the moment I'm in a new city and don't have a huge friendship circle and have no family nearby.

 

I think people are smelling the desperation on you. No, I'm not trying to be offensive, but sometimes when we want something that's not coming to us really bad, it can come off that way to others in thousands of little ways. Being too eager, too available, wanting to be included and getting disappointed when you are not. If people are actively avoiding you, then you may have been unfairly tagged with the desperate card. Particularly at your age a lot of unenlightened men are going to assume you want a baby maker and to get married pronto.

 

I think it's probably a culmination of lacking a social circle and feeling loneliness that you are seeking people out to fill that gap in your life and others can tell. I understand it's really hard to be in a place you don't want to be and feel frustrated that you can't get somewhere else, but what choice do you have right now?

 

I'm not a natural attractor of men, my body is okay but I come off way too cold for many men's taste. I'm not animated when I talk and I'm consumed by intellectual rather than social pursuits. It's very off-putting for them. There is also a gulf of nothing in common when it comes down to hobbies and interests as well.

But then again this doesn't bother me greatly either.

 

You've got t get into an emotional space of yes open to a relationship but truly happy without one too. It's the great relationship paradox that most people want to be in relationships with people who don't need them.

[Eternal Sunshine]

When it comes to looks, men mostly care about the siluethette rather than details. They like 3 things, which almost any woman can do: thin/normal weight, LONG hair and form fitting clothes. Hair length makes a huge difference, I get around 3 times as much attention with very long hair. I also know what type of personality they universally like: bubbly, ditzy, outgoing, light hearted and someone that will compliment them a lot. That's just not me though and there is only so far I am willing to go to attract a man

 

As for desparation, that's a chicken/egg argument. You become desparate because you have repeated failure to attract a man thus IMHO you already exibit traits that are less desirable before the desparation.

Edited November 10, 2016 by Eternal Sunshine

[Sweetfish]

Why doesn't u and your ex workout

[Leigh 87]

When it comes to looks, men mostly care about the siluethette rather than details. They like 3 things, which almost any woman can do: thin/normal weight, LONG hair and form fitting clothes. Hair length makes a huge difference, I get around 3 times as much attention with very long hair. I also know what type of personality they universally like: bubbly, ditzy, outgoing, light hearted and someone that will compliment them a lot. That's just not me though and there is only so far I am willing to go to attract a man

 

As for desparation, that's a chicken/egg argument. You become desparate because you have repeated failure to attract a man thus IMHO you already exibit traits that are less desirable before the desparation.

 

I look bad with long hair. Tried short, and discovered medium hair. Women with thin faces like me can look crap with long hair........ but medium length hair is the samd as long.

[Leigh 87]

When it comes to looks, men mostly care about the siluethette rather than details. They like 3 things, which almost any woman can do: thin/normal weight, LONG hair and form fitting clothes. Hair length makes a huge difference, I get around 3 times as much attention with very long hair. I also know what type of personality they universally like: bubbly, ditzy, outgoing, light hearted and someone that will compliment them a lot. That's just not me though and there is only so far I am willing to go to attract a man

 

As for desparation, that's a chicken/egg argument. You become desparate because you have repeated failure to attract a man thus IMHO you already exibit traits that are less desirable before the desparation.

 

Men care about curves. Most do. Only a monority love tiny skinny no shaped women.

 

Most men are innately into the hourglass or pear shape. And then you get slight variation; the boob guys and butt guys and/or legs men....I am average to cute and ever since I parade my hour glass figure (think high waisted skirts in light colours that make my hips and bottom stick out as much as possible, combined with darker tight or peplum tops)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I get 60 times mosre attention with: medium NOT long hair, and when my large bottom and hips and large bobs are emphasised.

I literally get men stopping me in the street now and telling me I look beautiful; I am of course simply an average girl that has started waist training and shows off her curves, and has learnt how to apply make up well albeit sparingly.........

 

I was once a very skinny runner; super long platnum blonde. This didn't suit my slended face shape, and I was not body confident or carefree. I didn't show off my curves. I got next to zero attention. I am now 25 lbs to 30 lbs heavier. Not toned or fit. Yet I get way more attention that I did wearing unflattering colours combined with unflattering hair styles and lengths..........

 

The OP can make the transition I did.. I literally went from very occasional male adoration, to many men telling me I am hot and attractive.

 

She also needs to ditch the desire for a relationship and learb to view it in a whole different light. It is only after I let go of this desire that I met the One.

[RecentChange]

When it comes to looks, men mostly care about the siluethette rather than details. They like 3 things, which almost any woman can do: thin/normal weight, LONG hair and form fitting clothes. Hair length makes a huge difference, I get around 3 times as much attention with very long hair. I also know what type of personality they universally like: bubbly, ditzy, outgoing, light hearted and someone that will compliment them a lot. That's just not me though and there is only so far I am willing to go to attract a man

 

 

Well…. Sure, if you WANT the kind of guy that chooses women predominately on looks, and want a “bubble head” ditzy girl.

 

Me? I am never going to attract that kind of guy, and more importantly I would never WANT to attract that kind of guy. The jerk quota in that ratio in that category is alarmingly high.

 

I peg myself as quite “average” I am not thin, I don’t have tits, my face is fine but not exceptional. I do know how to dress for my shape, and wear a small amount of make up. I do wear bold colors, and have a collection of funky glasses which I have noticed draw attention.

 

That said, I find I do not have much trouble picking up men. Is it because I am some “hottie”? Nope. I do have a lot of confidence though. I know how to talk to men – I have a life long history of close male friends, grew up with a single dad etc.

 

So, this comfort with men, confidence, add a bit of sex appeal (which can be ATTITUDE not looks!), I find its pretty easy to garner some interest. And not just from “douchy” wants an arm piece bubble of head for a girlfriend type guys…. But men who respect women, and value their mind.

 

I get complimented more on my intelligence than I do my beauty (but often once they are smitten with my mind, suddenly the compliments on other things follow). And I RATHER be valued for my mind and personality rather than my "shape".

 

If you aren’t “beautiful” sure, make some effort to polish your look – but I think you will get even further by working on your confidence, and comfort around men.

 

I know *I* much rather cultivate my mind and social skills – than do things like waist training in the hopes of male attention.

[Leigh 87]

Well…. Sure, if you WANT the kind of guy that chooses women predominately on looks, and want a “bubble head” ditzy girl.

 

Me? I am never going to attract that kind of guy, and more importantly I would never WANT to attract that kind of guy. The jerk quota in that ratio in that category is alarmingly high.

 

I peg myself as quite “average” I am not thin, I don’t have tits, my face is fine but not exceptional. I do know how to dress for my shape, and wear a small amount of make up. I do wear bold colors, and have a collection of funky glasses which I have noticed draw attention.

 

That said, I find I do not have much trouble picking up men. Is it because I am some “hottie”? Nope. I do have a lot of confidence though. I know how to talk to men – I have a life long history of close male friends, grew up with a single dad etc.

 

So, this comfort with men, confidence, add a bit of sex appeal (which can be ATTITUDE not looks!), I find its pretty easy to garner some interest. And not just from “douchy” wants an arm piece bubble of head for a girlfriend type guys…. But men who respect women, and value their mind.

 

I get complimented more on my intelligence than I do my beauty (but often once they are smitten with my mind, suddenly the compliments on other things follow). And I RATHER be valued for my mind and personality rather than my "shape".

 

If you aren’t “beautiful” sure, make some effort to polish your look – but I think you will get even further by working on your confidence, and comfort around men.

 

I know *I* much rather cultivate my mind and social skills – than do things like waist training in the hopes of male attention.

 

As you say it is about confidence. So rather than trying to be skinny and killing myself at a gym, I choose to embrace my curves. I choose to play up the feminine features I process so that I "feel" fab. I feel so attractive and desirable a lot of the time despite only probably being a plain Jane.

 

If the OP male attention then you DO sort of need to learn how to EMBRACE and CELEBRATE your own set of unique looks.

 

Just like you play around with style in your glasses and feel confident overall.

 

You ALSO need to combine the superficial beauty with personality and genuinely being in the right mind set to attract men; which is being open to the right man and not super jaded while also not caring or going out of your way to attract or seek out men.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The latter is by far harder to achieve than the former desirable superficial traits....

[Power_Forward]

I want you to post a photo of yourself so that I can see what you look like (body and face). I will give you completely honest, no BS feedback about your looks.

 

PF

[darkmoon]

show some skin

[white]

you probably dont repel men youve just been unlucky. a months tindering isnt much. if you really are repelling men itll be something we here cant see and thus cant tell you about. a personality quirk or a really weird nasal voice or something.

 

i actually met a woman from this forum once (who i hope doesnt check here anymore) after she made a similar post to this and turned out to be fairly local, half as a date and half to explicitly tell her what her problem might be by seeing firsthand. turned out that in person, despite being attractive, she was scary as ****. she had this extreme, permanent ironic sarcastic "humour" that was like she saw herself as an actress from a sitcom in her own life, her personality was entirely inauthentic and it was scary to be around. that had not come across by forum text and it was clearly her problem in dating.

 

she knew she was like that but couldnt help herself. ****ed up childhood or something. if its something like that for you, you will already know and be trying to avoid confronting the fact. if you know youre fine in person then its just bad luck.

[h0000]

My guess is you look for men who are more attractive than yourself in the looks department.

 

 

By the sound of it those guys haven't even got the chance to know you before they bailed on you so I doubt it's your personality or your desperation/neediness. Most likely your looks.

 

 

Not saying you look ugly at all but I'm guessing those guys are better looking than you. And typically they go for really pretty girls. They may message you for some ego boost but wont have anything physical with you.

[acsentu8]

Yes, we all have been there. You show up. He's nowhere to be found. It's happened to just about everyone at one point in life.

Now....moving on from that. You met him on an internet dating site. People can be anyone they want to be thru the net. Mostly the men on there are married, commitment scared, looking for something to cure their boredom, low self-esteem, or just plain not who they say they are...and will play you all the way up to, well you know, "THE MEETING". Don't fall for the glory and glitz of meeting someone online. My now ex-bf I met on a date site. He has turned out to be a drug-addicted drunk who goes to bars every night, lies to me every day, and a cheater. Do you want that?

 

By the way, your thong with sign scenario had me giggling. That was funny!!! You are beautiful just as you are. The outside world will try and drag you down. There's no such thing as perfection. Besides, the man who is for YOU and YOU ALONE will think you are the epitomy of perfect 10. For HIM! So, don't worry. You are still young. Gosh, lucky so young. It will happen for you in time. Be patient. Love yourself. Give off an aloofness to men like never before. Men like a challenge. Do not tell them everything. Leave some mystery. Also, if you have a best friend who is a male and you are so not attracted to him? Well, when you meet the "love of your life" ---treat him like a friend. Hardly return his calls and texts. It will be hard. But you do that, and they ALL will fall in love with you.