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Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 27th October 2016, 8:04 PM   #16
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I just don't know if the consequences of telling the truth are worth it. I would probably lose one of my best friends, I would break up their relationship probably, although maybe not. Is the truth always worth it? I don't know.
That's not the effing POINT!

You are a crappy friend and a worse roommate. If you are man enough to screw this guy's GF then be man enough to face the consequences.

Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for our actions REGARDLESS of the outcome.

If you even have to ask if the truth is worth it then you probably will have a had time understanding why you are probably going to get the boots put to you. Man alive Kid, you screwed up bigtime. I hope getting the shyte kicked out of you was worth a 6 minute piece of ass.
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Old 27th October 2016, 8:39 PM   #17
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That's not the effing POINT!

You are a crappy friend and a worse roommate. If you are man enough to screw this guy's GF then be man enough to face the consequences.

Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for our actions REGARDLESS of the outcome.

If you even have to ask if the truth is worth it then you probably will have a had time understanding why you are probably going to get the boots put to you. Man alive Kid, you screwed up bigtime. I hope getting the shyte kicked out of you was worth a 6 minute piece of ass.
I get what your saying, don't get me wrong. In a perfect world from an altruistic point of view in a vacuum where I don't have to consider the fallout of future consequences, then yes, your course of action is the right one.

However, reality is not so cut and dry. You want me to shoulder ALL the blame for this? To bear the burden of ALL the consequences for a mistake that I was only partially responsible for?

Sorry but I may be morally imperfect but I'm not a sucker. I'm not getting played by this girl if I can help it, nor am I putting my head under the guillotine for the sake of martyrdom.

I wish I lived in your world where everything is black and white. But I don't.
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Old 27th October 2016, 9:23 PM   #18
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My viewpoint is that it's almost more selfish to confess what I did rather than keep it a secret. I'm kinda screwed either way.

I disagree with the majority. Confession just ain't what it's cracked up to be. Sure it will relieve one kind of pressure, but it would just cause other problems –– not the least of which is that you have to live there with the roommate and there may be some serious hostility.

If he were about to walk down the isle with this girl it might be different but if they're just dating he has plenty of time to figure her out. The other scenario, where she might accuse you of something is a lot more likely as a defense than if you just keep your mouth shut.

I just don't see any advantage to confessing other than the cathartic relief, and you're right –– that would be for your benefit, not your roommate's.

Many of the other posters will cite moral obligation, but the values that they hold are by no means universal, and there is no clear right/wrong answer. I call it moral absolutism –– simple perspectives to complex problems. I'm sure they'll call me a immoral scoundrel for not joining them in the shame fest, but I don't think you should.

Reckless, casual sex has been known to happen on college campuses. Chalk it up to experience and hope no other consequence occur for anyone involved.
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Old 27th October 2016, 9:29 PM   #19
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I get what your saying, don't get me wrong. In a perfect world from an altruistic point of view in a vacuum where I don't have to consider the fallout of future consequences, then yes, your course of action is the right one.

However, reality is not so cut and dry. You want me to shoulder ALL the blame for this? To bear the burden of ALL the consequences for a mistake that I was only partially responsible for?

Sorry but I may be morally imperfect but I'm not a sucker. I'm not getting played by this girl if I can help it, nor am I putting my head under the guillotine for the sake of martyrdom.

I wish I lived in your world where everything is black and white.
But I don't.
Well, you were 100% responsible for getting your cock out and that is as black and white as the argument needs to get. Regardless of anything she did if you had exhibited some self control then you wouldn't be in this situation would you?

And if anything you should be embracing the fallout, just think: by fessing up you would be HELPING your room mate so he knows what a s****y friend and what a s****y girlfriend he has. You would be improving his life for him by giving him the chance to remove you both from it. In fact he would really owe you both a debt of gratitude for outing yourselves....although it might take a few lifetimes for you to see a return on his gratitude.
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Old 27th October 2016, 10:14 PM   #20
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I wish I lived in your world where everything is black and white. But I don't.
I will try to explain the motive behind my last post to you so you have a point of reference as to how it may be black and white for me.....

Try walking in on your fiance screwing your best friend 3 weeks before your wedding.

I wonder what you would do, young man?

I had it happen to me some 28 years ago. And just in case you would like to know how that all ended up, I had 4 years behind bars to think about it every day. All over something that could have been avoided.

That is my reality...in black and white.

You see, had I actually known that it was going on and not been blindsided by people I trusted, sure I'd have been upset and hurt. But I probably wound not physically hurt anyone. I would have been able to move on knowing that it was over and more than likely not to have done what I did. And yes I was totally responsible for what happened. I have no one to blame but myself. And I've paid a dear price for nearly 30 years for that day. Sad that I din't just walk away but there is no manual about how to act when this stuff happens. As a result I lost a lot of things, most importantly my freedom.

Again, my actions did it.


But you see, had they been honest with me instead of carrying on, that day probably would not have ended like it did.

The point I am trying to make to you is that if you come clean and fess up you will have some drama, yes, you may even have to move but a very real possibility that you won't have something really bad happen to you. I think breaking a lease is quite preferable to getting put in the hospital.

I may have been harsh but I am dispensing this advice because I am trying to get through your head that if you try to cover it up, it will eventually come out, and it will be a lot worse for you then. When you can look at your roommate in the eye every day and act like this never happened, you've lost your integrity. And eventually he will find out. would you rather it be by you, or from someone else?

I am trying to save you from compounding an already awful situation by your desire to cove this up.. You can have some modicum of integrity and let this guy know exactly what happened so he isn't made a fool out of both you and his GF, and you may very well be spared any physical altercation as a result.

If you lie like a rug and he finds out, Physical altercation is almost assured at your age. That's why I am advising you to be honest.


I don't wish what I did on anyone. It took a lot of hard lessons to understand no one is worth my stupid actions. I am the poster boy for what NOT to do in an instance like this.

Please think about your next step. it could save you a load of drama.

Good Luck.

Last edited by Space Ritual; 27th October 2016 at 10:16 PM..
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Old 28th October 2016, 4:15 AM   #21
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I get what your saying, don't get me wrong. In a perfect world from an altruistic point of view in a vacuum where I don't have to consider the fallout of future consequences, then yes, your course of action is the right one.

However, reality is not so cut and dry. You want me to shoulder ALL the blame for this? To bear the burden of ALL the consequences for a mistake that I was only partially responsible for?

Sorry but I may be morally imperfect but I'm not a sucker. I'm not getting played by this girl if I can help it, nor am I putting my head under the guillotine for the sake of martyrdom.

I wish I lived in your world where everything is black and white. But I don't.
Guy... you are not only sucking as friend because you effed his girlfriend but also because you are allowing him to be with someone who is cheating on him with his buddy (and probably with so many others)... with friends like you who need enemies...
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Old 28th October 2016, 10:38 AM   #22
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Well, you were 100% responsible for getting your cock out and that is as black and white as the argument needs to get. Regardless of anything she did if you had exhibited some self control then you wouldn't be in this situation would you?

And if anything you should be embracing the fallout, just think: by fessing up you would be HELPING your room mate so he knows what a s****y friend and what a s****y girlfriend he has. You would be improving his life for him by giving him the chance to remove you both from it. In fact he would really owe you both a debt of gratitude for outing yourselves....although it might take a few lifetimes for you to see a return on his gratitude.
Am I really 100% responsible? My view is that I didn't really want to do this, this girl seduced me. I think it's more like 50 - 50 with regards to who is to blame. Maybe even 25% blame to my buddy for letting her come around and loiter like Gloria25 said. She took action to get me turned on and I gave in to it. There are faults on both sides here.

I feel like if I confess, then I'm making myself the fall-guy and incurring more consequences that I am due.

And another thing, and this is a larger point. Who in society gets ahead by playing Honest Abe all the time? No successful person runs around confessing all the questionable stuff they are engaged in. If that were the case we wouldn't need lawyers.

Quote:
I will try to explain the motive behind my last post to you so you have a point of reference as to how it may be black and white for me.....

Try walking in on your fiance screwing your best friend 3 weeks before your wedding.

I wonder what you would do, young man?

I had it happen to me some 28 years ago. And just in case you would like to know how that all ended up, I had 4 years behind bars to think about it every day. All over something that could have been avoided.

That is my reality...in black and white.

You see, had I actually known that it was going on and not been blindsided by people I trusted, sure I'd have been upset and hurt. But I probably wound not physically hurt anyone. I would have been able to move on knowing that it was over and more than likely not to have done what I did. And yes I was totally responsible for what happened. I have no one to blame but myself. And I've paid a dear price for nearly 30 years for that day. Sad that I din't just walk away but there is no manual about how to act when this stuff happens. As a result I lost a lot of things, most importantly my freedom.

Again, my actions did it.


But you see, had they been honest with me instead of carrying on, that day probably would not have ended like it did.

The point I am trying to make to you is that if you come clean and fess up you will have some drama, yes, you may even have to move but a very real possibility that you won't have something really bad happen to you. I think breaking a lease is quite preferable to getting put in the hospital.

I may have been harsh but I am dispensing this advice because I am trying to get through your head that if you try to cover it up, it will eventually come out, and it will be a lot worse for you then. When you can look at your roommate in the eye every day and act like this never happened, you've lost your integrity. And eventually he will find out. would you rather it be by you, or from someone else?

I am trying to save you from compounding an already awful situation by your desire to cove this up.. You can have some modicum of integrity and let this guy know exactly what happened so he isn't made a fool out of both you and his GF, and you may very well be spared any physical altercation as a result.

If you lie like a rug and he finds out, Physical altercation is almost assured at your age. That's why I am advising you to be honest.


I don't wish what I did on anyone. It took a lot of hard lessons to understand no one is worth my stupid actions. I am the poster boy for what NOT to do in an instance like this.

Please think about your next step. it could save you a load of drama.
Oh man, I believe you, 100%. I know full well the uncontrollable rage and thoughts of violence that rise up when you suspect or actually catch your partner cheating on you. You want to kill somebody. I have taken evolutionary biology and we spent some time looking at murder. According to scientists, sexual infidelity and losing control of your sexual resources is responsible for the vast majority of murders.

So knowing this, what sense does it make to confess? Practically none. I'm not looking to get my face punched in, or worse. No thanks.

Quote:
I disagree with the majority. Confession just ain't what it's cracked up to be. Sure it will relieve one kind of pressure, but it would just cause other problems –– not the least of which is that you have to live there with the roommate and there may be some serious hostility.

If he were about to walk down the isle with this girl it might be different but if they're just dating he has plenty of time to figure her out. The other scenario, where she might accuse you of something is a lot more likely as a defense than if you just keep your mouth shut.

I just don't see any advantage to confessing other than the cathartic relief, and you're right –– that would be for your benefit, not your roommate's.

Many of the other posters will cite moral obligation, but the values that they hold are by no means universal, and there is no clear right/wrong answer. I call it moral absolutism –– simple perspectives to complex problems. I'm sure they'll call me a immoral scoundrel for not joining them in the shame fest, but I don't think you should.

Reckless, casual sex has been known to happen on college campuses. Chalk it up to experience and hope no other consequence occur for anyone involved.
I like your advice. You seem more mature and able to navigate the moral grey area more. Say I do confess, OK. I feel better, then what? I still did it. I still had sex with my buddy's GF. But only then he is furious and in turmoil, and his GF is out to destroy me for outing her. Like you say, is it worth it for some peace of mind? Maybe I should man up and own what I did, keep it to myself.

Look I have a plan. My buddy is going home today to visit his family. He will be out of town until Sunday. My other roommate is going to be at work tonight from 5 pm to late. I'm going to message my buddy's GF on FB and have her meet me at the house. Then I'm going to lay it all down and tell her that:

1.) He can never find out - we have to keep this a secret.
2.) I am not interested in her and don't want her attention anymore
and 3.) if she tries to rat me out I will deny everything and turn it around on her (but I will only say 3 if she threatens me or challenges my demands)

This will cover all my bases and hopefully nip this all in the bud.

Last edited by Power_Forward; 28th October 2016 at 10:45 AM..
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Old 28th October 2016, 10:58 AM   #23
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1.) He can never find out - we have to keep this a secret.
2.) I am not interested in her and don't want her attention anymore
and
3.) if she tries to rat me out I will deny everything and turn it around on her (but I will only say 3 if she threatens me or challenges my demands)

This will cover all my bases and hopefully nip this all in the bud.
You're done dude. You can itemize this all you want, but the fact is, she has you by the short hairs. Not the other way around.

Ultimatum this girl, and she is going to destroy your world. Not immediately, but she will.

Have fun with that.

Or do the right thing, and talk to your buddy...
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Old 28th October 2016, 11:13 AM   #24
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I agree with above...

don't have her over.

I would honestly just text your buddy when he is away. Explain what happened - about her doing that and what happened after.

An honest friend is worth a lot more than a sneak...even if you did do something awful. He should know about his GF...she is probably sleeping with a lot of other guys too. You better get tested ASAP.
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Old 28th October 2016, 1:42 PM   #25
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You don't seem very motivated by the fact that telling the truth is the right thing to do, so I will phrase it as benefits for you and your friend.

Benefits for you

If you don't tell, this will eat away at your conscience. It really, truly will. If you have a conscience that is. The guilt can manifest itself in a bunch of deplorable ways, like physical ailments, etc.

Not only will the guilt eat away at you, but the paranoia of your friend finding out will too. And trust me, he will find out. She might promise not to tell him but then she does. Or she will tell a friend. People talk. They aren't likely to last forever, so one day they will break up. This is usually when people who didn't want to get involved when the relationship was still on come out of the woodwork. It will get back to him. He will come looking for you.

If the confession comes from you, it will be better for your friendship. He might decide to forgive you in a few years. If he finds out from someone else or his gf, there is no chance at all. And again, he will find out.

Benefits for your friend

The benefits for your friend is that his gf is obviously not good for him and you might save him from her. She sounds like a bit of a sociopath to me. Give him the power of choice through knowledge. If he already suspects she might be not be trustworthy, you can validate that feeling for him so he knows to trust his intuition. Sometimes when you find out someone is cheating on you, you actually feel relief that you're not crazy.

Last edited by olivetree; 28th October 2016 at 1:44 PM..
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Old 28th October 2016, 3:16 PM   #26
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I like your advice. You seem more mature and able to navigate the moral grey area more. Say I do confess, OK. I feel better, then what? I still did it. I still had sex with my buddy's GF. But only then he is furious and in turmoil, and his GF is out to destroy me for outing her. Like you say, is it worth it for some peace of mind? Maybe I should man up and own what I did, keep it to myself.

Look I have a plan. My buddy is going home today to visit his family. He will be out of town until Sunday. My other roommate is going to be at work tonight from 5 pm to late. I'm going to message my buddy's GF on FB and have her meet me at the house. Then I'm going to lay it all down and tell her that:

1.) He can never find out - we have to keep this a secret.
2.) I am not interested in her and don't want her attention anymore
and 3.) if she tries to rat me out I will deny everything and turn it around on her (but I will only say 3 if she threatens me or challenges my demands)

This will cover all my bases and hopefully nip this all in the bud.
With respect to #2-3, I'd advise being conservative about what you say to her. Don't say that you aren't interested and don't want her attention because she could feel insulted by that. Just be neutral about that part and tell her that you feel guilty and don't want anything like that to happen again. Your interests and hers are aligned, so there's no need for pronouncements or anything else that creates negative feelings for her. Keep things aligned.

I think it's highly unlikely that she's going to create any problems––what motivation does she have if you don't create any by going adversarial (outing or crushing her ego)? Let her continue to believe that she's irresistible if that's what she's all about. You could get one of those mini-recorders and tape the conversation and if she agrees to the narrative then you have insurance. But be careful - no lights or beeping sounds.

I realize that this episode is traumatic for you and is counter to your values, however, it's not the first time that something like this has happened and it won't be the last. You're all a bunch of single college students. Sex happens. Don't overreact and make it a thousand times worse.

I'm somewhat fascinated by absolutists. That mentality is at least partly context oriented. There is an other-man/other-woman section on this board where those involved in ongoing affairs are posting, and the context is completely different. I bet if you polled average folks on the street that eight-five percent would say, pfffft, keep your mouth shut and don't make trouble where none exists.
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Old 28th October 2016, 4:06 PM   #27
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Oh well you did what a lot of horny college guys would have done.....I remember being that age and even back then a lot of people were freer about sex. I'd chalk it up as a "one time thing". Just act like nothing happened, stop looking at her, and make sure she doesn't have access to your flat while her BF is gone. She doesn't live there, so she has no right to let herself in whenever she wants.

If you know what you did was wrong, then you will know to control yourself and not to fall into temptation again.
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Old 28th October 2016, 4:13 PM   #28
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I'm somewhat fascinated by absolutists. That mentality is at least partly context oriented. There is an other-man/other-woman section on this board where those involved in ongoing affairs are posting, and the context is completely different. I bet if you polled average folks on the street that eight-five percent would say, pfffft, keep your mouth shut and don't make trouble where none exists.
The "what people don't know won't hurt them" way is a very slippery slope. The truth, like it or not, always has a way of showing up. Always.

But, play the game the way you see fit, OP.
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Old 28th October 2016, 4:24 PM   #29
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The "what people don't know won't hurt them" way is a very slippery slope. The truth, like it or not, always has a way of showing up. Always.
Indeed it does. And not always the way you envision it or it's aftermath.
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Old 29th October 2016, 6:01 AM   #30
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The "what people don't know won't hurt them" way is a very slippery slope. The truth, like it or not, always has a way of showing up. Always.
You see, absolutism is like this. No, the truth does not always prevail. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. Is honesty always the best policy? No, not always.

I agree about it being a slippery slope, generally speaking. Be as honest as you can and try to live with integrity. But be stupid. There are times when honesty will send you to jail or get you killed... hurt people who don't deserve it, make things exponentially more complicated and difficult.

Life and ethics cannot be reduced to idioms and platitudes. It's not black & white. There are times when it's best to just keep what you know to yourself and spare others suffering... and it's not automatically evil to spare yourself suffering either.

Moral absolutism is a thing, and so is relativism. We aren't the first. Shocking I know.

Classic ethical dilemmas

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