redhotchili5 Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 This is really tough for me, I (31/f) was dating my current boyfriend (37/m) for two years when I found out he never stopped being with his supposed "ex" the whole time, she told me everything. Needless to say I was heartbroken and in shock, we were just talking about moving in, I've met his whole family and his small son from a previous marriage. This explains his weird behavior, him not moving in yet despite coming over everyday and his declaration that marriage is just a piece of paper. Long story short, I told him never to contact me and broke up with him but he wouldn't let it be. He called my phone 1,000 times, wouldn't leave my house, cried and begged and pleaded, and said she meant nothing that if he wanted her he would be at her house right now. He blocked her and hasn't contacted her since. He proposed two weeks later and told me he wanted nothing more than to get married, he's now moved in and we just came back from disney world with his son. I have everything I want, am I crazy to think that this will work and that he is sincere. Does anyone have successful second chance stories or in you opinion do you think this whole thing is doomed from the way it started? Is it possible he really has changed? I want this so badly but I don't want to regret giving him a second chance. Link to post Share on other sites
AMJ Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 Wow. I am so sorry he did this to you. But he has been cheating on you for your entire relationship? Not just, oops a one time slip up or something that lasted a few months...but two years? Is the ex different from his ex wife? Sorry, you are nuts if you think that he won't do this to you again. It takes a special brand of ********* to do this to someone. How can you even feel ready to trust him? He has lied to you from day one. He's nearly 40 but maturity wise acting like he's 25. Taking you to Disneyworld to make it all better? How can you even accept a proposal from this guy after what he did? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redhotchili5 Posted October 9, 2016 Author Share Posted October 9, 2016 Yes, she is not his ex wife. He has been doing everything right, said losing me made him realize how badly he wanted a life together, that he wants me to be the step mother of his son. My heart wants so badly to believe him but I can't take going through this again Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 OP, if YOU go back I doubt he will learn anything, except that when he cheats again, all he has to do is cry, beg, plead .... and you will forgive and forget If you *don't* take him back, he *may* learn something with the *next woman* he's with -- that being if I cheat, she will leave me forever. And think twice about cheating. Based on that if it were me, I would not go back as he's very likely to cheat on you again. I just don't think I could trust him. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 Yes, she is not his ex wife. He has been doing everything right, said losing me made him realize how badly he wanted a life together, that he wants me to be the step mother of his son. My heart wants so badly to believe him but I can't take going through this again But if you go back, he would NOT have lost you. Think about that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 What has he done to EARN your trust and forgiveness? Have you considered couples counseling? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
l8estnews Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 Yes, she is not his ex wife. He has been doing everything right, said losing me made him realize how badly he wanted a life together, that he wants me to be the step mother of his son. My heart wants so badly to believe him but I can't take going through this again Girl, I dunno. Let's get on with facts: 1.) You found out from the other woman, not from him. You wouldn't know this if she didn't tattle. 2.) He's been doing this to you for years. If I were you, these are the things that I will consider before taking him back for good: a.) Know the reason why he left his previous marriage. Was it because of cheating too? (If so, run!) b.) What happened between your fiance and the other woman that made her tattle? Are you sure you really wanted this guy and no one else? I mean, I don't have anything against people with children from previous marriage, but I believe you are too young to become a stepmother/baby-sitter of the child of a cheater. I mean, if he is a very honest, loving family man who is 100% invested in this relationship, I will be the step-parent of his kids even if he has a dozen. He wants you now because maybe he is very attracted to you. But what happens when the time came that you aren't anymore? Do you really think he is capable of being there for you til then? These are just some things you should be considering before it's too late. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 OP, if YOU go back I doubt he will learn anything, except that when he cheats again, all he has to do is cry, beg, plead .... and you will forgive and forget If you *don't* take him back, he *may* learn something with the *next woman* he's with -- that being if I cheat, she will leave me forever. And think twice about cheating. Based on that if it were me, I would not go back as he's very likely to cheat on you again. I just don't think I could trust him. ^^This OP, I can imagine how badly you want it to work and his outpouring of love to be enough to outdo his indiscretions. But, it can never be enough to completely reinstate your trust. I know that I just couldn't ever continue to be with someone who I would always wonder what he was doing and who he was talking with when I wasn't around. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 It's very likely he'll cheat again (and forever) if you accept that he did. But maybe this trial will help you. Make it a VERY long trial period, a couple of years at least. Don't marry him until he's proven he can be a good husband for a couple of years. During that time, don't sign legal documents binding you to him (joint debt, joint leases, joint purchases), don't commingle funds, and don't make any financial sacrifices, such as compromising your career to take care of his child. Help him raise his child but not at the expense of yourself. I bet that if you do these things, he'll leave. But if he doesn't leave and can prove he's worthy of being your husband and he easily understands why you can't invest until he's proven himself, that will be good. So here's a question for you: can you "afford" to put in 2 years? If you want children of your own, that might not be viable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redhotchili5 Posted October 9, 2016 Author Share Posted October 9, 2016 That worries me as well, when his "ex" was telling me everything she mentioned that he expressed that he did not want another child, that he didn't want to risk sharing another child or have them be too many years apart, how having another child wasn't fair to his son. It wasn't an issue for her because she was not thinking of children on the other hand I want my own children and he knows this but he has never blatantly said that he doesn't want more. Does that mean he wants them with me and not with her? Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 He is not the man for you. Don't marry him. Break up and find the right man for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 That worries me as well, when his "ex" was telling me everything she mentioned that he expressed that he did not want another child, that he didn't want to risk sharing another child or have them be too many years apart, how having another child wasn't fair to his son. It wasn't an issue for her because she was not thinking of children on the other hand I want my own children and he knows this but he has never blatantly said that he doesn't want more. Does that mean he wants them with me and not with her? So his EX told you? What happened, did she finally realize what a loser he was (is!) and dump him? And wanted YOU to know too? Boo hoo, now he has no one. No wonder he is pulling out all the stops with you! Please don't be such a pushover and fall for it! It is so obvious what he's doing. At least to me. Let him go cry in his beer, and walk away. That would be the smart thing to do. Best of luck as you move forward... ideally without HIM. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 He has now learned his lesson. He has learned that if he begs and pleads and is persistent, that you will take him back and he can keep his two women. Of course you can't trust him. Your ideal is one man to live your life with. His ideal is two, at minimum. All guys do not aspire to monogamy. If they can keep other women going, many of them will. You may be his first choice, but you're not his only interest and likely never will be. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 He's now moved in... He is living with you in your house? Link to post Share on other sites
Author redhotchili5 Posted October 9, 2016 Author Share Posted October 9, 2016 He moved in after he proposed. I told him how can I trust that he won't continue living a double life and he said he would move in immediately. His "ex" said they never broke up and that this isn't the first time she caught him (they were together for 4 years) she said she is done and wants nothing to do with him. That she is embarrassed that his whole family knew and never said a word to her, how could she look at him the same and show her face around his family ever again. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 Ok so he was with her for 4 years and they never broke up, so you were actually the OW. I guess as soon as she dumped him, he took his sorry a$$ around to you and as you were angry, he had to "propose" to get you back on board and has now moved in with you... Ugh! Please do not entertain this guy any longer. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 (edited) Y He has been doing everything right, said losing me made him realize how badly he wanted a life together, that he wants me to be the step mother of his son. My heart wants so badly to believe him but I can't take going through this again I am gobsmacked that you would even entertain a further relationship with this man let alone, a lifelong partnership in marriage! He has been betraying you for the entirety of your relationship and you are willingly thinking this will be last time he does this to you because of what you stated above? All cheaters react this way when they are confronted with losing their comfort zone (you and side dishes) A man who tells you "I realized I want a life with you" after he gets caught in betrayal is not a man who knows what he wants. If it takes him losing you to realize your worth then he will never see your worth. A man who tells you "I want my life with you" and has no inclination to betray you is a man who is actually in love with you, means what he says and sees your worth. Edited October 9, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 All cheaters react this way when they are confronted with losing their comfort zone (you and side dishes) Correction: we have just found out, he never actually broke up with the "Ex", who was with him for 4 long years, which makes the OP his "side dish". 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redhotchili5 Posted October 9, 2016 Author Share Posted October 9, 2016 I had no idea that she even existed, this man spent so much time with me, I even introduced him to my own family. He does not speak to her anymore and she is completely blocked from our lives. I'm not worried that he will go back to her because he would have chosen her. Link to post Share on other sites
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 Correction: we have just found out, he never actually broke up with the "Ex", who was with him for 4 long years, which makes the OP his "side dish". Oh dear, thanks for explaining that. That does add a whole new angle to the situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 I had no idea that she even existed, this man spent so much time with me, I even introduced him to my own family. He does not speak to her anymore and she is completely blocked from our lives. I'm not worried that he will go back to her because he would have chosen her. All I can say to you redhotchilli is I'm sorry that you are in this situation feeling as you are. Please take note and really focus on everything you are feeling right now because if you decided to stay with this man you are in for a lifetime of feeling like this. He may not go back with his ex, but there will be other women. He has shown you he is very capable of leading two lives and lying to two women at once. What makes you think there won't be another woman down the line? Just like he met you while with his ex, he will meet another woman while with you and don't even think twice he won't step out of line if you have any sort of problems in your relationship. That is precisely when he will feel the most entitled to follow his sexual urges to be with someone new. A guy who is capable of this level of deceit is not going to turn it off over night and become a respectable human being. No way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 I had no idea that she even existed, this man spent so much time with me, I even introduced him to my own family. He does not speak to her anymore and she is completely blocked from our lives. I'm not worried that he will go back to her because he would have chosen her. Well yeah she found out he was cheating, and dumped him! Of course he doesn't speak to her anymore! No doubt she blocked him first... so he couldn't speak to her if he wanted to, which I am sure he does, and would, if given the opportunity. Don't kid yourself about that. What are you thinking? What are you telling yourself? Why did you start this thread? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redhotchili5 Posted October 9, 2016 Author Share Posted October 9, 2016 Honestly, hoping to hear of others who may have been in a similar situation having successfully made it work. Where love was worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 Honestly, hoping to hear of others who may have been in a similar situation having successfully made it work. Where love was worth it. You call lying, deceiving, cheating for two years *love*? SMH And no doubt if SHE (his girlfriend) had not dumped HIM, he would still be lying, deceiving, cheating. Anyway, clearly you don't want to hear any of what we have to say, again, not sure why you started this thread. But best of luck!!!! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 I get that you want to beat all the odds, that you want to believe your story is different and that your love is unique in some way. That is the same thing I said in my original post when I came here for my own situation. Someone told me point blank "you think your love is unique but it really isn't" At the time I thought it was cold and almost rude, "what do they know about my situation?" But now that I can look back with a clear head and spending enough time reading other's stories on this forum I realize how right they were in their assessment. Millions of stories just like yours here The Other Man / Woman - LoveShack.org Community Forums Unfortunately, the odds are inequitably stacked against your success. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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