How do I get over this?

[Rosemary101]

We both in early 20s.

 

I am not into casual sex. I only do it with someone I love and someone I want to have a serious relationship with. And he is the first one I chose to be with. I dated other people before and loved someone too but nothing got serious because I was frequently moving.

 

For him, he slept with whoever was willing.

 

I was quite disappointed at him about this. I really wished he waited for him. His reaction was that the past is past, he has the right to choose whatever he wanted to do before he met me and it's my problem to feel upset.

 

I was really hurt, more hurt by his reactions than what happened before we met. I tried to get over it. Now it comes back to haunt me again. What do I do?

Edited September 4, 2016 by Rosemary101

[BluesPower]

Take a step back and think for a second.

 

This is your first sexual relationship. What he did in the past is really the past. If it continues to bother you, the you will have to look for someone that thinks like you do.

 

If you two are in love, and he is willing to be exclusive with you, you should just go with it.

 

I don't criticize you for how you feel, but understand a couple of things first. 1) These relationships when you are this young, hardly ever last forever. And 2) I am not saying that anyone has to be overly promiscuous, but goodness this is a time in your life to explore your sexuality, to learn about sexuality and really enjoy it. You don't have to be SL**** or anything but you never get to re-live this time of your life. It only comes around once and a lot of 20 YO's don't realize it until it is over.

 

As a practical matter when you really find a man that you love with all your heart, you need to be able to recognize if you are really having "great love sex" or if it is really not all that good.

 

I can tell you, that at my age (50's so I have been around the block) if I get with a woman that does not know what she likes in bed and cannot communicate it to me, I am gone no matter how much I like her. I mean I will teach her a little but I am not going to take the time to completely educate a woman about sex. I just don't have the time.

 

Good luck with all this...

[Rosemary101]

 

Good luck with all this...

 

I am not too bothered by what happened in the past. I am more upset about his reaction. He is very defensive about this, not showing much empathy. It makes me very confused if he loves me or not.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am not too bothered by what happened in the past. I am more upset about his reaction. He is very defensive about this, not showing much empathy. It makes me very confused if he loves me or not.

 

I'm not connecting the dots here, OP.

 

He probably feels rather judged by your reaction to him having had more sexual experience than you. What exactly do you want him to show empathy for? Lots of young people explore their sexuality, sometimes with several partners. He doesn't owe you an explanation, to be frank. What did you expect him to do when you're essentially telling him he should have applied the same value system as you?

 

I don't see how him feeling defensive about this makes you question whether he loves you. Did you want him to apologize for having had sex with other people before he even met you or something?

[Rosemary101]

I'm not connecting the dots here, OP.

 

He probably feels rather judged by your reaction to him having had more sexual experience than you. What exactly do you want him to show empathy for? Lots of young people explore their sexuality, sometimes with several partners. He doesn't owe you an explanation, to be frank. What did you expect him to do when you're essentially telling him he should have applied the same value system as you?

 

I don't see how him feeling defensive about this makes you question whether he loves you. Did you want him to apologize for having had sex with other people before he even met you or something?

 

I am not expecting an apology, because logically he did not do anything wrong. But I am expecting empathy. I am expecting him to understand that I am hurting, and be willing to comfort me. It bothers me that he turns away form me and tells me I should not feel upset.

[JoeSmith357-1]

OP: you are very inexperienced and overreacting to your boyfriends sexual history.

 

If I was him, it would be a big red flag that you were a virgin into your 20's. See my point here?

 

His sexual history is none of your business, as yours is none of his.

 

You 2 are obviously not going to be compatible long term and I am thinking, at your age, you are going to have really limited compatibility unless you find some super religious guy who isnt into sex for religious reasons. Or some super nerd who lives in his moms basement

[benpom]

I am not expecting an apology, because logically he did not do anything wrong. But I am expecting empathy. I am expecting him to understand that I am hurting, and be willing to comfort me. It bothers me that he turns away form me and tells me I should not feel upset.

 

Seems like what's in play here is that you two have different values and boundaries. You are hurt that he violated your value and boundary. He is behaving in a way that indicates he does not respect (or perhaps does not understand) your value and boundary.

[Rosemary101]

His sexual history is none of your business, as yours is none of his.

 

It's not the history that bothers me so much. What bothers me a lot more is that he tells me I have no right to feel upset.

[Rosemary101]

Seems like what's in play here is that you two have different values and boundaries. You are hurt that he violated your value and boundary. He is behaving in a way that indicates he does not respect (or perhaps does not understand) your value and boundary.

 

Yeah, that's the source of the problem. So what do I do? Find someone else who respects or maybe even shares my value?

[Space Ritual]

am expecting him to understand that I am hurting, and be willing to comfort me.

 

 

What?

 

LMFAO! Are you serious?

 

 

Why should he have to comfort you because he has some experience in his past that you don't like.

 

That is not on him to either be ashamed of or have to comfort you about in any way shape or form.

 

Why should he apologize and be empathetic because he had sex with women before he met you?

 

It is HIS history.not yours.

 

He is probably defensive because he can't believe you are acting like this.

 

No one is pointing gun at your head. If you are so uncomfortable with the situation, you are under NO obligation to continue in the relationship. I am kind of surprised he hasn't kicked you to the curb.

 

He must really like you, because most people would never put up with your demands.

[benpom]

Yeah, that's the source of the problem. So what do I do? Find someone else who respects or maybe even shares my value?

 

A relationship is not about being right or wrong. Two many relationships fail because people are too focused on who is right and who is wrong, and forget the basic principle of relationship: to make each other happy. People don't date or get married because it's logically right, but because they are happy with each other.

 

It's a good start that you are not placing blame on him. Vice versa, he should not tell you you don't have the right to feel upset.

 

People feel sorry for a child bumping head and getting hurt, even though it's no one's fault. Love gives people the ability to have empathy. If he loves you, he will have empathy even though he has done nothing wrong. Sometimes, people might not show empathy under guilt or under fear of being judged. If he does not have fear or guilt, and still shows no empathy, then you need to consider the possibility that he is just not that into you.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am not expecting an apology, because logically he did not do anything wrong. But I am expecting empathy. I am expecting him to understand that I am hurting, and be willing to comfort me. It bothers me that he turns away form me and tells me I should not feel upset.

 

Comfort you about what, though? What exactly hurts you about this?

 

With all due respect OP, you're being silly and over-dramatic. I don't get why exactly you need to be comforted because he has had sex with girls other than you, before you were together. You say its his reaction that bothers you, but you seem to be missing the point that he is probably also hurt that you seem judgemental about his past.

 

For what it's worth, I'm a woman too but I'm having a hard time seeing why you're so bent out of shape over this.

Edited September 4, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[BaileyB]

Agreed. His sexual history before you got together should not have any bearing on your current relationship - assuming that he hasn't been sexually deviant and that he doesn't bring any disease to your new relationship.

 

With all due respect, you are very young and inexperienced. Perhaps you have a preconceived notion that he should have waited and that it would have been more special if he had waited. These are your expectations and if you really want that, then you should look for another guy. Because what's done is done, and what he has done is not wrong - it just may not be what you expect/want from the relationship.

 

The fact that you became upset and expected him to comfort you... Yeah, it would have been nice for him to provide some comfort and reassurance when you were upset. But, the truth is - YOU are responsible for managing your emotions, NOT HIM. And the truth is - he has done nothing wrong, you have become upset over something that shouldn't be a big issue, and thus, he shouldn't need to provide you comfort.

 

The first guy that I had sex with had more experience than me... I saw it as a good thing, because he knew exactly what to do...

[Rosemary101]

But, the truth is - YOU are responsible for managing your emotions, NOT HIM. And the truth is - he has done nothing wrong, you have become upset over something that shouldn't be a big issue, and thus, he shouldn't need to provide you comfort.

 

After you have a rough day at work and tell you boyfriend/husband about it, and he tells you it's your own problem and provides no comfort whatsoever, would you be happy with him?

[Space Ritual]

After you have a rough day at work and tell you boyfriend/husband about it, and he tells you it's your own problem and provides no comfort whatsoever, would you be happy with him?

 

 

If you want this guy to think that he might be able to find someone better, you are doing a bang up job.

 

I think you probably put the nail in your coffin as far as this relationship without intending to. He will probably start thinking "I could find someone who does not have these hang ups.

 

Life is far too short to deal with this minutiae, so do not be surprised if he starts looking for someone else to date.

 

Look you are entitled to your own feelings, and even entitled to make these demands. He is not obligated by any stretch of the imagination to accept this, and will tire of it quite soon. The sun will set on the relationship fairly soon at the current rate.

[ExpatInItaly]

After you have a rough day at work and tell you boyfriend/husband about it, and he tells you it's your own problem and provides no comfort whatsoever, would you be happy with him?

 

That's a poor analogy and not the same issue.

 

His reaction suggests you also had a bad reaction to learning about his past. Since you haven't explained that yet, can you tell us what happened when you learned he's had causal sex with other girls? I am guessing your reaction put him off too, given his defensive posture.

 

If you can provide more context, we would perhaps better be able to see where you're coming from.

[BaileyB]

After you have a rough day at work and tell you boyfriend/husband about it, and he tells you it's your own problem and provides no comfort whatsoever, would you be happy with him?

 

I'll answer your question even though it is a little off topic, because I hope it may be helpful to you.

 

I personally, deal with my own problems. I manage my own thoughts and emotions such that if I have a bad day at work, I don't generally bring it home. I don't ask my partner to get involved in the little things of my life that are of no relevance to him. I may tell him that I've had a bad day and I may seek a hug, but I won't seek comfort and reassurance over the little things that really don't matter... Having suffered the loss of a parent, breakups, friends that have let me down, job stress and disappointment... You learn over time what is important and what is not. You learn when you really need his comfort, and what you should deal with yourself.

 

Being able to manage your thoughts, emotions, and just life is just something you have to do when you are a grown up. It's called self-reliance. It's about developing resiliency. If you are constantly seeking support and reassurance, it's going to get old, really fast. It's going to put a drain on your relationship... It sounds like it already has...

 

Sorry, you won't get reassurance from me. His past is his past. If you don't like it, deal with it or move on. And, think about what you really expect from a relationship - and whether it is really fair to make your partner responsible for your own happiness and/or frustrations and disappointments.

 

Read this article. I find it very interesting and very true. Hope it is helpful.

http://www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/good-relationship-secret/2/

Edited September 4, 2016 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

And to get back on topic, I think Expat is right. His lack of compassion probably has everything to do with the judgment he has felt from you about his past.

 

That, and I would imagine that he is pretty frustrated with the fact that you are making a big deal out of something that is done and should have no bearing on your current relationship.

 

Of course, if something happens and you really need his comfort and reassurance, he should provide that. If he doesn't, that would be a problem for me. I'm just saying - based on what you've posted I don't think you should need his comfort and reassurance for this. It's not such a big issue, or at least - it wouldn't be for me.

 

You are showing him right now what the future will hold for him... Be careful, because he may just decide that you are not worth the drama.

Edited September 4, 2016 by BaileyB

[Rosemary101]

That's a poor analogy and not the same issue.

 

His reaction suggests you also had a bad reaction to learning about his past. Since you haven't explained that yet, can you tell us what happened when you learned he's had causal sex with other girls? I am guessing your reaction put him off too, given his defensive posture.

 

If you can provide more context, we would perhaps better be able to see where you're coming from.

 

This is something happened in the past. I just want to hear people's opinion.

 

His first mentioning of a past relationship was telling me about something he named after her. He went on and on and told me about that relationship. He seemed emotionally hung up from that relationship.

 

At the time, I did not mind his past relationships. I was just upset about him not putting past behind him.

 

I later confronted him whether he still had feelings for her. He was defensive every time. Later I learned that his most proud relationship was a cheating relationship, and it made me doubt whether he was trustworthy. One day, he confessed that he still had feelings for her after we got married. That's when his past relationships started really bothering me. I told him I was already disappointed that he did not wait for me. He was defensive again.

 

His relationships with other girls did not bother me at all until this turning point. After that tipping point, I found myself stuck in retrospective jealousy compounded with the feelings of being unloved and unappreciated.

 

On the other hand, I was indeed a little judgmental and accusational. He did seem to love me most of the time. We mutually adimired each other in most aspects. He admired me more than I admired him back then. Back then, I was much more forgiving, loving, vibrant, social and accomplished. Now, I just feel my self-esteem is at all time low.

 

This relationship is over now, but I still love him. I am trying to figure out whether I should make effort to try to get him back. I am very confused by what I am capable/incapable of now. I am not sure how much of my pain comes from jealousy and how much comes from mistrust and lack of empathy and support.

Edited September 4, 2016 by Rosemary101

[inuyoshi]

Run Girl! Runnn

[BaileyB]

 

I later confronted him whether he still had feelings for her. He was defensive every time.

 

Later I learned that his most proud relationship was a cheating relationship, and it made me doubt whether he was trustworthy.

 

One day, he confessed that he still had feelings for her after we got married. That's when his past relationships started really bothering me.

 

I found myself stuck in retrospective jealousy compounded with the feelings of being unloved and unappreciated.

 

On the other hand, I was indeed a little judgmental and accusational.

 

This relationship is over now, but I still love him. I am trying to figure out whether I should make effort to try to get him back.

 

So this a much more complicated situation and there is much more to the story than you originally posted.

 

This is actually not about him waiting for you to have sex... Or the fact that he had casual sex before you were together.

 

This is about the fact that you feel insecure in your relationship - as you should - if he's telling you that he still had feelings for another woman and he has a history of cheating. You should never have married him.

 

If you want to continue a life of insecurity, conflict, seeking reassurance that in all fairness, he likely can't provide enough of for you to feel safe in the relationship... Then by all means, get back together with him.

 

Based on this new information, I would say that this relationship is a really unhealthy relationship. With the history you have, I would not expect this relationship to survive. I'm not sure why you would want it to survive.

Edited September 4, 2016 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, that is why I asked for some background.

 

This issue went far beyond him having had casual sex in the past. I had a feeling there was more to the story than you initially described. Sure enough, looks like we've opened a Pandora's Box.

 

I agree with BaileyB that this wasn't actually about his sexual history at all. This was about the relationship being on tenuous ground because he still had feelings for someone else. You need to be careful not to confound issues like that in the future, or you will find yourself upset an awful lot without really addressing the core problems. In other words, stick to the topic when you're upset about something.

 

Are you now divorced? Separated? Before you two even consider reconciliation, I would strong advise couple's counselling. There are more serious problems between you than his history of casual sex.

[Rosemary101]

Are you now divorced? Separated? Before you two even consider reconciliation, I would strong advise couple's counselling. There are more serious problems between you than his history of casual sex.

 

About the finalize divorce.

 

Thank you all for advice and opinion.

[BluesPower]

Rosemary, please don't be offended by people's miss understanding of your situation or you questions.

 

Some of us are taken aback by your age and the fact that you are getting divorced over something that we don't really understand. A lot of us try to help other from our life experience and mostly from our mistakes.

 

You must have some uncertainty or questions about what is going on. No one knows who you are so there is no need to be embarrassed about anything you are going through.

 

Just lay it out there and see what advice you get. If you want to, turn on your PM and talk to me or someone else in private.

 

But 20 really sounds early to get divorced unless there is a lot more to what is going on than you have stated.

 

It is up to you, but we are here to help.

[Rosemary101]

But 20 really sounds early to get divorced unless there is a lot more to what is going on than you have stated.

 

There is indeed a lot more going on. These are just the major things I am not happy about. He has his side of story about what he is not happy about.

 

I was not sure whether I was making a big deal out of nothing or it's normal for me to feel hurt. Thank you all for pitching in your opinions.

 

He had moments of hesitation and regrets about divorce, but there is no way we could reconcile now. We are practically divorced already. Much damage was done during the divorce process too. We still care about each other, but there is a great wall between us now.

 

We have been together for quite a few years now. I love him, but I never trusted him with my heart. I still love him, but I don't know if I should make efforts to get him back to get more heartache. Perhaps it's a good thing he found the courage to break this unhealthy relationship. Either we both become more mature and get back together happily, or we go separate ways.