Jump to content

Coping with my Ended Relationship


Recommended Posts

davedude22312

My ex girlfriend and I met in high school and had been together for a total of 10 years before the relationship came to a close 2 weeks ago this Tuesday. When I first met her, I found out early on that she had suffered from a rape incident and that it really had taken quite the toll on her image of herself/self worth. She really didn't believe that a person could be interested in her as a person and that she was only capable of finding a guy through her body/etc. Seeing what a beautiful person there was on the inside, I strived to help her increase her confidence and realize what value she really had. We made it through high school and continued on to the same college, originally both wanting to pursue a degree in bio to move towards medical school.

 

Once we had reached college, I was still at home with my parents and she decided she was going to give the dorm life a try. Her roommate at the time was into drinking/partying and both my ex and I were very much not interested in those sorts of crowds. I could see that the roommate could be problematic and was concerned she might pressure my ex into putting herself into an uncomfortable situation. As I had feared, she convinced her to have a party for her birthday. I was not able to attend but I did my best to keep tabs on what was going on and was comforted in knowing a few of our old mutual high school friends had also gone and that they'd keep an eye on her. I found out the next morning she had been raped a second time, the police had been called, and of course she was absolutely devastated. I did everything in my power to comfort her but I could see the effect that this had on her being that one rape is bad enough. We continued to college very happy, spending weekends going to Disneyland, etc and there were no problems until she came to me one day to admit that she had slept with a guy one night while having some drinks and that in the same week she had kissed another man.

 

I was blown back by this news and had to take a few days to process what had happened as I was very deeply hurt. I could tell that she very distraught about what had happened and after taking some time to reflect on what I wanted to do next, I spoke with her again and forgave her. I know many people would tell me I should have cut the relationship at that point but after being with this person for over 4 years, and knowing all of the great things that both sides received from the relationship and the fact that she had come forward with this information, I was willing to move on. We continued on for another 5-6 years with no issues whatsoever. We finished college but towards the end she realized instead of pursuing medical school, she wanted more to become a nurse and so she altered her direction a bit to accommodate the change in profession. I was continuing on with the idea of medical school as it was something that had been encouraged in me from a very young age by my family. It was my ex who finally pushed me to explore what I was actually passionate about and I found my true calling in the tech industry. I'm now going to be starting my second bachelors in 1 month and am working as a software engineer.

 

Just 2 weeks ago was her birthday, and I decided it would be a fun activity for us to take a trip to Vegas since she had never been. We had a wonderful time, saw 2 shows, everything went marvelously except for her concern for starting a new job at her dream hospital. The Tuesday after returning I decided to give her a call during my lunch break and I could immediately tell something was bothering her. Upon pressing a bit more, she said "She needed to take a break, she needed space, she needed to be alone." This was completely unexpected as we really had no flaws in terms of the relationship. We didnt argue, we didnt have any unhealthy habits that were eating away at our feelings for one another. As I continued to try to get to the bottom of where this was coming from, she disclosed that a few weeks earlier she had been out for drinks with some of her ER coworkers and ended up flirting and going to bed with one of the other staff members. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and she said "I knew that you had told me if anything like this should ever happen again, that it would be over, and yet I still flirted and slept with this person. Because of that, I have a problem and I dont want you to be hurt anymore. I need to be alone." She continued on to say she wasn't even going to originally tell me about the cheating (I'm assuming because she didn't want to hurt me any more than she had already, but who knows) and that at the end she felt a bit like she was in the relationship more for me.

 

The relationship has now been over for 2 weeks and the first week was absolutely horrible for me. Since that time, I have improved a bit more but the pain is still very much real and to think that she can go and post things on Facebook, Instagram, go out with friends and just seem like she doesn't care is completely devastating to think about. I even found out randomly from a friend she had created a tinder. I confronted her about this even though I had no business doing so and she felt terrible someone would do that to me, promptly explaining that she wasn't looking to meet/hookup with someone. If i were to guess, perhaps hearing someone else tell you you're pretty is a coping mechanism. I have done everything from removing her on social media to deleting her number from my phone. I even went so far as to get rid of things in my room that were given to me from her. I just dont understand how what was such a good relationship could just deteriorate like this. The fact that she could cheat like this again continues to eat me up on the inside but I'm doing what I can to move forward. I have distracted myself with work, I will be back in school soon enough, and I have made attempts to try and reach out to old friends to get myself busier and distract myself more. Currently, the only problem I really have is I cannot sleep through the night ( I wake up 1-2 times likely because my mind is still thinking).

 

I know this is her problem and I dont need to be hurting myself any more with her mistakes but its just such a difficult thing to grasp. This was the person I ultimately grew up with and spent most of my time with. Everything I've come to love was something WE loved and something we enjoyed doing together (Disneyland, Going to Jazz Concerts, etc.). I'd like to hear from the community as I'm making all the right steps and I know time is ultimately whats needed but I cant help but still yearn for what I had, even though I know she is not a good choice. She will have to live with these decisions the rest of her life and I'm sure she will realize the error of her ways and eventually try reaching back out to me. I also know that if/when that happens that I have to tell her no as letting her back into my life and my heart would only be setting myself up for further heartbreak in the future. I know I should be grateful this happened now and not when we were married/had a house or kids together but it doesn't make this process any less difficult. I'm tired from all the additional effort I'm making to get myself out of my comfort zone, to meet new people and find new groups to distract myself and help me cope. I've rejoined the gym and am working out every day and have been running as her and I had tickets for a half marathon in January. I do not want to not do it just because of all this, and the likelihood of actually running into her are slim but it doesn't make this process any less difficult.

 

Thank you in advance to anyone who actually takes the time to read this and I value any/all input. I would just like any additional tips or things that you all may think would help me forget and go forward because I still cant let go. I know I have to, but it doesnt make this any less painful.

Edited by davedude22312
Link to post
Share on other sites

I didn't read it all but I have experienced heartache and I understand how you feel. There is the 5 stages of grief....you are going through the grieving process of your loss. The first week is always the worst, but as you noticed, even tho you are still numb it's a little better. I too experienced the waves of pain that wash over you throughout the night. All that really works is time. As each week goes by you start to feel better. By the one month mark you will feel a great weight lifted off your shoulders. That's when you begin to feel at peace....but it's the time it takes getting there is a challenge. It happens quicker for others, and it depends on you. The busier you are the less likely you will have time to think about her, and this is key for the healing process. Don't worry you will get through this and come out OK....we all did :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Space Ritual

Yeah I have to say she showed you who she really was.

 

All the other issues aside she simply wanted to have sex with other people and keep you around as plan B. Sucks to be the last ne to figure it out but it is what it is.

 

It will hurt for awhile but your best course of action is to have ZERO Contact with her. Block her on any social media, block her email address ad phone number. No contact means no new hurts.

 

Obviously she didn't really care very much about you with her flimsy justification, not to mention knowing flly what she was doing when she banged the second guy.

 

Make her insignificant. The goal here is to reach a point of total indifference toward her, and that ca best be achieved by having NO CONTACT AT ALL EVER AGAIN.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Darren Steez

These kind of people are abusers. They abuse people's good nature time and time again.

 

No doubt you've done the right thing and yes it hurts but she now knows her actions have consequences and you value yourself high enough not to be treated like sh*t.

 

She gets ego boosts from the flirting and sleeping around. She ain't no keeper, so when the fun starts to fizzle out she might come sniffing around you to help boost that ego up.

 

Keep doing what you need to do to get her out of your system. Lots of women out there who are faithful, no need to waste anymore time on someone who patently doesn't give a toss about you.

 

Well done for getting rid!

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...