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Girl slept in room (or bed?) with another guy


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Firstly, hopefully I have the right subforum. Secondly I've read quite a few articles with a similar title and more of the advice is cut loose. I accept that but I just wanted to post my situation and garnish the thoughts of genuine, sane and thoughtful people because I'll be honest I think it's hazy on this occasion (that is assuming she's telling the truth which, let's face it, is another matter altogther and something I/we can only speculate on).

 

From the start:

 

GF texts me at work to say she put herself in an uncompromising situation last night both workwise and relationship wise and she's really not happy. She says 'obviously nothing happened' but it got closer than is reasonable and it was both highly unprofessional and disrespectful to me. Obviously I get her to call me at a convenient time for me and she does. She's away in another country at a conference with colleagues and clients.

 

So, converstation (if we give her credit for one thing she doesn't have to tell me any of this, or at least didn't before her texts).

 

She was out to dinner last night with a large group of colleagues and clients of all ages. Afterwards to a bar, few of them leave few of them go onto a club. Her first mistake is she starts taking cocaine with a couple of clients. They get pretty ****ed on a combo of that and booze. Club closes but some of them go to try find a bar. There's no bars open and all go home bar her and one of her clients who got to his hotel bar. They're not serving but explain they're more than welcome to have drinks served to the room. They go up to his room, c.4am. Take more coke, drink wine and chat. At this point he professes his love for her, comes on very strong. She admits she has been mildly flirting with him for some time (which I can understand can be part of business) but that in hindsight she obviously got the balance wrong. Despite this, she says she felt 100% in control of the situation at that point despite being ****ed and clearly stated that she had a bf, not to mention he had a LT gf, and that nothing was going to happen and he needs to get over it. He accepts and backs off, they drink chat and snort some more before passing out after sunrise in his bed. Well bed or beds I don't know....It's two single beds pushed up together with separate matressess and duvets. I asked if they spooned and she said no, but he did reach over and rest his arm on her from a distance. Apparently they woke up only a couple of hours later because he had a flight home and she had meetings.

 

Don't need to mention I went pretty nuts, said it was unacceptable, disrespectful, if the boot was on the other foot etc. There was a lot of swearing and anger and unreserved apologies from her. That said I am inclined to believe nothing more happened than she said (perhaps naive wishful thinking but she was straight up with me that **** went down, said the situation got out of hand - she was having fun, was wired and didn't want the night to end and suddenly next thing some guy is opening his up heart to her in a hotel room). She also didn't have to tell me anything. For me this is right up close to the line of 'I have to dump you' but I'm interest to gauge other opinions. As I say please try to weigh up the argument from both sides. It would really help as there's a lot going on in my head.

Edited by rob1234
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It's bad enough that she would do Coke, drink too much and stay up all night on a business trip. Shows lack of character and control that could even affect her income.

 

But she crossed the line going to another man's room. That's just terrible.

 

And I don't believe she didn't screw him. She probably told you to relieve her guilt...but she didn't tell her whole truth.

 

Don't believe her lies. Alcohol and drugs make people lose their inhibitions - she went to his room willingly knowing he was into her.

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Do you have, or might potentially have any communication with her work colleagues or clients or at least one of them?

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It's not so much the sleeping in the same room part, I've seen that a lot with work colleagues after a big celebration. Someone would get a big commission cheque, we would all go out and get completely hammered. Not everyone made it home because of public transport.

 

However, I would have problems with my other half being out drinking a lot and taking hard drugs. So that plus the room share would be too much for me.

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Do you have, or might potentially have any communication with her work colleagues or clients or at least one of them?

 

Only through asking her for said details. Ultimately though why? There's only two people who know what happened, one is her and I'm hardly going to contact the guy. I'm inclined to believe what she says, no doubt I can gauge more when we talk it through face to face. I'm just wondering whether people think this went too far as it is and I bin or if I need to set some defined, strong boundaries, explain no more **** and give moving past it a try.

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Scarlett.O'hara

So he confesses his "love" for her she stays and she gets into bed(s) with him.. really??

 

For someone who had so much drugs and alcohol that night she has an excellent memory of events.. sorry I don't buy it, partial truth to ease her guilt maybe.. either way, she stayed with him.

 

Her behavior the entire night was questionable. If it is normal for her to have such poor boundaries, both personally and professionally then you can expect this type of situation to happen again.

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Only through asking her for said details. Ultimately though why? There's only two people who know what happened, one is her and I'm hardly going to contact the guy. I'm inclined to believe what she says, no doubt I can gauge more when we talk it through face to face. I'm just wondering whether people think this went too far as it is and I bin or if I need to set some defined, strong boundaries, explain no more **** and give moving past it a try.

 

If you had no way of finding out that something had even happened, you can take her word, and be happy that you have an honest gf, who doesn't choose the lying road (which is very easy and tempts). You should of course establish tough boundaries, as you said, and hope for good.

 

There is of course a chance that she didn't tell you everything, but i think that it's a small chance. You won't find a perfect gf in the entire world. She deserves a great credit for telling you immediately.

Edited by lolablue17
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PegNosePete

So let me get this straight. There's a guy that your girlfriend has been flirting with, they take coke and get drunk and end up in bed.

 

And you're still together? Seriously?

 

Dude, you need your head read.

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Friskyone4u

I'd start with telling her she can take a polygraph test when she returns before you talk about anything.

 

Like someone else said, she sure seems to remember pretty well what to tell you she did NOT do considering she was so ****ed up on drugs and booze.

 

And of course now she still works with this co worker who she has been flirting with which probably started this whole thing. What is your plan on that one???

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She absolutely slept with is guy as in had sex. This is version number one. As you press you will find minor changes to the story.

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He's a business client not a colleague. Flirting happens in business that's life but he doesn't work with him. She probably has to flirt with everyone up to a point, it's sales. I have a job too, girls flirt with me. That she was flirting is not an issue it's how far she let it get. Also, knowing her, I would bet good mobet that she didn't put out. It would be grossly out of character. It's possible stuff happened but as I say I very much doubt she's had sec. I can't prove that though just like no one here can prove she has. The crux of the issue is what to do givenue the facts presented. It goes without saying that further down the line, if it gets that far, should the story change she would be gone.

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So let me get this straight. There's a guy that your girlfriend has been flirting with, they take coke and get drunk and end up in bed.

 

And you're still together? Seriously?

 

Dude, you need your head read.

 

Whilst her story IS possible, common things are common and I guess she is in damage control mode here.

If nothing happened here it was only because he couldn't manage because he was comatose, not because she didn't want it to happen.

By separating herself from the group and going off with him and following him into his room, she was sending a clear signal that she was up for more here.

She let herself down, both professionally and morally.

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He's a business client not a colleague. Flirting happens in business that's life but he doesn't work with him. She probably has to flirt with everyone up to a point, it's sales. I have a job too, girls flirt with me. That she was flirting is not an issue it's how far she let it get. Also, knowing her, I would bet good mobet that she didn't put out. It would be grossly out of character. It's possible stuff happened but as I say I very much doubt she's had sec. I can't prove that though just like no one here can prove she has. The crux of the issue is what to do givenue the facts presented. It goes without saying that further down the line, if it gets that far, should the story change she would be gone.

 

I've known my wife since we were 16 years old and before I found out about her affair I would say the same thing. Open your eyes my friend,

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He's a business client not a colleague. Flirting happens in business that's life but he doesn't work with him. She probably has to flirt with everyone up to a point, it's sales. I have a job too, girls flirt with me. That she was flirting is not an issue it's how far she let it get. Also, knowing her, I would bet good mobet that she didn't put out. It would be grossly out of character. It's possible stuff happened but as I say I very much doubt she's had sec. I can't prove that though just like no one here can prove she has. The crux of the issue is what to do givenue the facts presented. It goes without saying that further down the line, if it gets that far, should the story change she would be gone.

 

Plenty people flirt at work, it doesn't though usually involve them going to guy's rooms in the middle of the night.

He is a client so that is even worse, if it was a colleague then co-workers getting close is par for the course, it happens, (not good but it happens), but does she really want to prostitute herself out to clients? As that is what it looks like.

Is that the kind of reputation she wants to get for herself?

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The thing is she spent the night with the client. He is going to tell the story how he wanted it to play out for his own ego. It will get back around that she was the best or worst lay he ever had.

 

I would not stay with a gf that had done this to me. If you are alright with the drug use and partying through the night is one thing. going to another man room alone is a deal breaker. Really if she is telling the truth or not you would never know.

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She flirts with the guy, does hard drugs with him, separates herself from the others to be with him alone, and goes back to his hotel room.

 

He tells her that he 'loves her', and rather than leave, she spends the night in bed with him.

 

And this is just the prettified version that she is giving you...

 

I have no idea how you can still respect her as a girlfriend.

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When my daughter was a child, she was constantly testing boundaries. Her mother and I would tell her not to do something and she would test us to see how much she could get away with.

 

I wondered why your girlfriend would tell you this story. What's the purpose?

 

I think this is a similar test. Pushing boundaries. Testing limits. Seeing how far she can go. How much she can disrespect you and get away with it.

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ExpatInItaly

She just took a massive dump all over you, your relationship and her career.

 

I don't know what line of work she is in or what business model she thinks she's following, but this ain't about business. She obviously likes him too. Even if nothing happened (which I wouldn't believe for one moment) she is interested in this guy.

 

You said you flirt with girls too, OP. Have you ever taken drugs, stayed up all night with them and then kept the party going privately, in your room? In the same bed? No? Didn't think so. You know this wasn't about "sales."

 

Sorry, your relationship is good as dead. Not necessarily because you seem to have leaky boundaries yourself given that you're trying to rationalize this now, but becasue another man got his hooks in her and she happily took the bait.

 

Stay if you want but she's just showed you she is open to the advances of someone who isn't you. One foot out the door, as they say.

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When my daughter was a child, she was constantly testing boundaries. Her mother and I would tell her not to do something and she would test us to see how much she could get away with.

 

I think this is a similar test. Pushing boundaries. Testing limits. Seeing how far she can go. How much she can disrespect you and get away with it.

 

I doubt this is an intentional test, but you have a point.

 

I wondered why your girlfriend would tell you this story. What's the purpose?

 

I'd imagine that it's to help herself feel better.

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GunslingerRoland

She sounds like a class act, I can clearly see why you want alternative viewpoints convincing you to keep her.

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PegNosePete
I wondered why your girlfriend would tell you this story. What's the purpose?

I would imagine it's because she figures you'll find out eventually, so she wants to get you believing the PG-13 version hook, line, sinker, rod and copy of Angling Times. You're more likely to accept it because she's so trustworthy and honest for telling you up-front. Whereas if you heard about it from another source she can't play the "I'm so open and honest" card.

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I don't think it was a noble thing about what she did by telling you. I think it was damage control. I think her work partners knew she went to this guys room and had to tell you before word got around to you.

 

But let face it. She admits she flirts with the guy, he flirts with her. A night of drug filled booze and coke and she spends the night with him but NOTHING happened? If you believe that, then I have a bridge to sell you.

 

The only reason she told you is because other people know what she did.

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I don't think this needs anymore discussion. She makes poor choices, probably down playing what really happened....partying like that should be a total deal breaker. Dump her and move on.

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OP I think we need to fix your title.

 

Girl slept in room (or bed?) with another guy

 

to

 

Girl slept with another guy.

 

Hope that helps clear things up for you.

 

Good luck on your future with her and other men.

 

C

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