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Any successful Open Relationships?


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My boyfriend and I are a super happy power couple going strong for almost 3 years.

We are both kinky and have had a few experiences (together) with other people. We go to the store and we always check girls out and stuff. It is a nice fun connection we have.

 

Every now and then he has asked me how I would feel if he was to have sex with another woman and I always pretty much said as long as I'm there too because it turns me on to see him with another woman!

 

Well recently we met a girl from mutual friends we have. She is married with kids. About a month ago they started texting. I didn't know this until a week ago I was using his phone and he was getting some texts from her. Nothing sexual but I had the female instinct that something was up. I asked him and he said he didn't really want to talk about it yet. But he took me on the patio and told me that yes she reached out to him and she's very attracted to him. I explained to him that I'm ok if he has a hookup without me but I asked no mutual friends.

 

Well he said that is "unrealistic" and it would just never happen. We came to the agreement that it's ok if it's a mutual friend but please let me know. I don't want to go to a function with friends and have no idea they are talking and doing stuff. I told him I don't want to be out of the loop. He assured me he will be honest and open for me as long as I am comfortable with it. Which I am because it turns me on for him to be with another woman!

He asked me if he got any sexy pictures from her would I likee to see and I told him heck yea!!! So he's going to keep me in the loop with the good juicy stuff. I know technically it's an invasion of privacy on her part but at the same time she is invading my privacy by trying to get with my man :)

 

My biggest fear is him falling for another woman. He assured me that it would not happen because it would just be about sex. His primary goal is to get her in the room for US because I am bi and I love seeing another woman with him it turns me on!! I did tell him I would be ok if he did stuff with her but I made it clear to please keep me in the loop and he says he will. We have really good communication.

 

He assured me that I am the woman he wants to marry. He told me that being in a monogamous relationship is something he has always struggled with and if I can accept him for how he wants to live his life than he will always be 100% loyal to me. He assured me that no one will get in the way of us and that if it was going to, he would cut it off immediately no hesitations.

 

My worst fear is him falling in love with another woman. Right now they are texting every day and also talking on the phone every day. I told him I don't want him to grow a strong bond with someone else. I much rather it just be about sex. But she is a psychologist and he's been talking to her about life and his kids. I know this because he tells me.

 

I know it's all new and exciting for him and he talks to her everyday but a part of me is a little scared. Is this normal? I trust everything he has told me and I know he really loves me. I guess I just need a bit of advice from anyone who is in or hard a successful open relationship?

 

We have talked about always telling each other and having good communication. The other woman thinks I don't know anything but in reality I do

I know I will see her this weekend and I told him I will be completely myself and I don't know "anything"

 

I really am excited for him but I'm concerned because they talk every single day. Is this normal because it's all something new?? He was very protective over his phone when all this was first happening but I told him that when he acts like that it makes me feel weird. So now he isn't protective over his phone and he tells me convos here and there that they have.

 

We both said that we are going with the flow. I am trusting his judgment because he said he would never ever do anything to tear us apart. If you have been in an open relationship that was successful do you believe this is going well so far?

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GunslingerRoland

I've never been in an open relationship, but I'll tell you right now that he's already going behind your back, and he's already going against the rules you've set. Those are probably the two biggest no-nos if you want an open relationship to work.

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Yes I know he has gone behind my back but this was before we really talked about all of this and came to an agreement. When I found out about something he pretty much immediately told me. Most men would just deny it and not come clean. This has been an issue he has been dealing with. But now that we discussed it really well and were on the same page he said that from here on out its smooth sailing. He said he was feeling really guilty that he was chatting with her but as a man he enjoyed the attention he was getting. But now we are to the point that we will discuss anything and everything and there won't be any secrets or surprises.

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My biggest fear is him falling for another woman.

This is why open relationships fail. Those who don't have these fears are the only ones who are successful at maintaining them, but 99.99% of the time, they fail. Mine did.

 

He assured me that it would not happen because it would just be about sex.

All the assurances in the world cannot predict what the human heart will feel and won't feel. Sex creates oxytocin which causes people to bond. It just happens.

 

Read all the threads about FWB relationship that have gone wrong because someone started to have feelings....

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Hmmmm. Well first of all let me say you're a rare breed - usually it's guys who get turned on by their women having sex w/other guys, not vice versa. (That's a compliment btw. :))

 

I've been in open relationships for years, in fact you could say that's been my modus operandi most of my adult life ( and in more recent times I've been polyamorous, but that's a bit diff.), and I have to say I see some issues here, despite you two sounding like good potential candidates.

 

First of all there's some dishonesty at play, and for open relationships, that's a killer. The only open relationships that work are ones where there's total honesty and transparency. It doesn't mean you have to disclose every detail of every little thing if you're satisfied not knowing, but the premise of the thing has to be built on honesty and transparency. Your guy started out sneaking with this woman, who's apparently still sneaking, with your new knowledge unbeknownst to her. That's just bad precedent. It means that your guy, even if he came clean, is ok principally w/deceiving you. And the woman is ok straight up running around behind your back. That's just not a good foundation for a sharing scenario.

 

Also it sounds like your gut is telling you some negative things here. The concerns about your man falling in love make it seem like you're none-to-sure he won't. That's not good bc you'll always worry and you'll never really be at ease w/it all, even tho it turns you on.

 

Last thing is ppl who do this successfully can't be at all possessive in general. You have to be willing to allow your partner the freedom to play, genuinely, not just in principal, which means your reaction to the possibility of him being intimate w/another woman should be indifference. If it's not, you're maybe not such a good candidate after all.

 

It can be a tough spot for women like you who are bi and sexually like the idea of your man having sex w/other women but aren't as all-in in practical terms, bc there's not a lot of safe release out there for your kink. Probably the best path for you would be the occasional threesome that's limited to sex.

 

Oh p.s. - it's also bad that your guy's sharing this woman's naughty pics w/you unbeknownst to her. She never signed off on that so it's exploitative of her. It's not a matter of "deserving" anything or not by wanting to cheat w/your guy. Just isn't, no matter how 'fair' it might seem to you.

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Thank you for your reply Jen! this might sound weird but I want to pick your brain a little on some things is there any way I can contact you other than here?

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Thank you for your reply Jen! this might sound weird but I want to pick your brain a little on some things is there any way I can contact you other than here?

 

I'm happy to have my brain picked ;) but it'll have to be here - you don't get PMs yet as a newbie. (Takes like 3 months and 50 posts or sth.)

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Simply put , it won't work for you guys because of your fear of him falling for another woman. This means you don't fully trust him, and honestly you shouldn't.

 

Maybe In the future, but now I think it would be wise to avoid it..... although the cat is out of the bag so avoiding may be too late. Set boundaries, and don't allow him to push them. You already said ok if I'm there and then he moved the needle.

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We've had an open relationship for over 16 years.

 

 

It works because we are completely honest and transparent with each other. As soon as we think we may meet someone in person, we make sure the other knows - until then, it doesn't have any substance.

 

 

Any lack of honesty, or hiding that we are or have met someone, is a serious red flag. If that is happening here, then you need to deal with that immediately, even if it means ending the relationship. There is no room for dishonesty in an open relationship - trust is paramount.

 

 

New lovers usually create a little "new relationship energy" or infatuation - but it fades, typically. It's normally nothing to worry about. We also know that we have a solid, shared history of having a great relationship, and someone new is extremely unlikely to offer more. However, if someone else is really that great, then as difficult as it would be, we'd let our partner go. Each other's happiness is important - if that means they'd be happier elsewhere, then so be it. The longer you have a good relationship, the less likely this becomes. We're also poly-oriented, so if we found an unattached person and started falling in love with them, we'd try to make them part of a polyamorous relationship. If he falls in love with this woman, he could be destroying a marriage if she reciprocates - and that is not acceptable.

 

 

What mainly bothers me about your scenario, is that he is pursuing the wife of mutual friends. Unless this couple also has an open relationship, then this is highly unethical and reprehensible behavior. We don't help anyone cheat on their spouse, ever, and that is doubly true for someone we consider a friend.

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Ok no worries :) I know it seems like he was running around with her behind my back but this is all recent and it's through texts. Because we both met her together like a month ago. Sometimes when they talk she will include me in the convo. But they just both have this atttaction to each other.

 

He assured me that nothing has happened sexually behind my back but I am 100% ok if it happens.

 

This is all new to me so I do worry a little but it is helping me evolve as a person and about sexuality. I am just concerned because they chat every day so I feel like it's inevitable that someone will gain feelings.

 

He told me that he would MUCH rather us be open and honest than to hide anything but before we weren't exactly on the same page and he was getting attention that he liked and I get it.

 

I understand the photo thing is against her and that is wrong to share. I can agree to that I know it isn't right.

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Thank you for your response. That is what I was thinking that he is just infatuated and getting this attention but I was thinking it could fade.

 

Her husband we don't know him at all. We have friends who are about to get married and we met her through them.

She has told my boyfriend that she is happily married but she feels she is mostly into women more and he doesn't sexually satisfy her but she is "happily married"

My boyfriend says she is probably just looking for something on the side but she said she is happy.

 

I know he wasn't honest right in the beginning but he said it was bothering him, he was feeling guilty and he was wanting to bring it up to me and discuss how he really feels and what he wants in our relationship. We have had really good communication and he said he will give me his word and will be honest.

 

Honestly I told him that I want to use his experience as foreplay for us because it really turns me on. The thought of him being bad without me Drives me crazy :) in a good way ;) Am I weird to feel that way? Lol

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JoeSmith357-1

I personally don't know of ANY that have worked long term. And I know probably a dozen people who have tried.

 

Most people, by nature, want to be monogamous. Unless something is wrong with the relationships.

 

Healthy relationships, in my opinion, do not allow for this sort of "openness".

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Friskyone4u

Well, OP, the true test if you are a candidate for this open relationship is when YOU decide you are going to act on it. Then, your boyfriend may suddenly decide that it is not such a great idea.

 

If you research open relationships, you will find that WOMEN have ALL of the power. You will be able to walk in to a bar and tell every man you meet you are engaged or married and it will do nothing but enhance your desire ability to the men you meet. When your boyfriend or husband tries the same thing, 95 % of the women will want nothing to do with him.

 

You two should do a bit more research because if you think long term non monogamous relationships have a greater degree of long term success than traditional ones, I think you will be hard pressed to find that to be a fact.

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JoeSmith357-1
You two should do a bit more research because if you think long term non monogamous relationships have a greater degree of long term success than traditional ones, I think you will be hard pressed to find that to be a fact.

 

That's exactly right. At SOME point, one partner or the other will get jealous.

 

"you came harder with him than me"

 

"you never let me do THAT to you"

 

"you enjoyed that more with him/her"

 

Always happens, someone gets insecure or jealous. Especially as you age, insecurity creeps in and if you are banging in younger circles, the facade falls apart pretty quick.

 

Admittedly I tried it, I couldnt handle it. Initially the idea of getting to bang other chicks without repercussion seemed like a win-win for me and for us.

 

Did not at all end up like I envisioned. I got insanely jealous, especially once other men were in the mix, but even when it was me, her and another woman, I didn't really dig it like I thought I would.

 

My partner at the time also has since "reverted" to a monogamous lifestyle. I don't know anyone who can do it long term. Unless it's a guy who has ED and is into the whole cuckold thing, which in and of itself is pretty dysfunctional and i'm not getting into that.

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Ok no worries :) I know it seems like he was running around with her behind my back but this is all recent and it's through texts. Because we both met her together like a month ago. Sometimes when they talk she will include me in the convo. But they just both have this atttaction to each other.

 

I'm not trying to grind you down here but it's important to see things for what they are - he was running around behind your back initially. You be the judge of how important that is or if it means he can't be trusted, but don't call it sth it wasn't.

 

He assured me that nothing has happened sexually behind my back but I am 100% ok if it happens.

 

You're ok if sth sexual happens, or if it happens behind your back?

 

This is all new to me so I do worry a little but it is helping me evolve as a person and about sexuality. I am just concerned because they chat every day so I feel like it's inevitable that someone will gain feelings.

 

He told me that he would MUCH rather us be open and honest than to hide anything but before we weren't exactly on the same page and he was getting attention that he liked and I get it.

Looking at it from the have-your-cake-and-eat-it-too perspective, I think it's a no brainer he'd prefer not having to sneak around.

 

I understand the photo thing is against her and that is wrong to share. I can agree to that I know it isn't right.

 

Ok. I know it seems like I'm breaking your balls here but you have to satisfy a pretty high standard to qualify for open relationships, so I'm really just trying to get you to ask the hard questions. You'll have to do that sooner or later and it's much better done sooner.

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It's pretty shady that he was talking to her behind your back, shady that she's open to cheating on her "happy" marriage, and shady that he hasn't told her that you're ok with all of this. Overall just not an ideal situation.

 

I'm in a (so far) successful open marriage. The success of it hinges on the fact that we discussed this beforehand as something that we both wanted, and that we are totally open and honest both with each other, AND with the women that he dates. I would NOT be cool with him dating and/or sleeping with someone who didn't know that I had given permission (unless it was an out of town ONS type of thing). It would seriously bother me if some woman in our social circle thought that she was recieving the attentions of my partner without my being aware of it. It would also not be ok with me for him to be helping someone in our social circle to cheat.

 

I think another important rule is that your partner shouldn't confide any negative details about you guys' relationship with the women he dates. as far as other women are concerned, your relationship with him should be a fortress, and he should always make that clear. If they perceive a crack in the foundation, the less than honorable of them can potentially try to bring to whole thing down (and it definitely sounds like this woman your boyfriend is pursuing is of the less than honorable variety).

 

Just some things to think about.

Edited by Gemma1
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goldsoundz

I'm a believer in open / poly relationships but this isn't off to a good start, I'm afraid.

 

A few major concerns:

 

1. The idea of an open relationship has only been prompted by his attraction to somebody else. Basically, he is willing to change and / or risk your established relationship rules or norms due to his attraction to this woman. It's a red flag. A lasting open relationship should evolve naturally, through discussion, through the laying of ground rules, through it being mentally, emotionally and physically beneficial to all parties. It's not something that should be decided in one or two hour chats because one party has found somebody else that they want to sleep with.

 

2. He wasn't honest. I know others have covered this and you've responded. Even if it was only a small amount of time and he owned up when questioned, it's a concern.

 

3. How open is your relationship? You keep referring to it as an open relationship but in reality, he will be sleeping with another woman and possibly involving you two in threesomes. Do you have the freedom to sleep with other men or women, away from him? Or to emotionally bond with them, as he is doing? If you don't, then the relationship is probably not on a good course, it's too imbalanced.

 

4. Jealousy and fear. This will eat away at you and opening up a relationship should be done on the strongest possible foundations. Only you two can judge your relationship but if you misjudge it then the sleepless nights are going to take their toll.

 

5. Her intentions. She is already disrespecting you and your relationship. As you're making the rules up as you go along, it's not as though he was introduced to her with the caveat "we're in an open relationship..." She has met him (and you!) with the knowledge that you're in a relationship and proceeded to try to get his attention. Looking beyond this, will she be satisfied just being his piece on the side?

 

I think you need to slow this whole situation right down and take the time together to seriously discuss and think about it, without rushing into decisions.

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ExpatInItaly

This won't end well. Not necessarily because it's an open relationship, but because he's now being dishonest with you. You had to make that discovery on your own which indicates he wasn't planning on being transparent. Plain and simple.

 

You can justify or rationalize it however you want, but it doesn't change the fact he was hiding things from you. Not good.

 

Be careful moving forward. I have a feeling you're going to get hurt.

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Lots of things wrong here.

 

He was dishonest at the start, you found out, he didn't volunteer the information.

You don't even know if this woman will ever be interested in threesomes or the like with you being involved.

He is building a huge emotional connection with her and whilst you are somewhat in the loop, he is basically having an affair with a married woman.

She doesn't know she is part of a game, and that to me is pretty despicable really. Lots of people could get very hurt here. Her husband and kids being prime candidates. It is a cruel "game".

YOU have no idea of her goals, she may say she is "happily married", but that is not to say she is not looking for an upgrade, a replacement, an exit affair if the right man came along.

 

I think you are being naive and whilst it may be fun sharing her sexy pics and imagining him having sex with her, it will not be so much fun when you realise he has fallen in love with her.

For someone he just wants sex with, he is investing a lot of time and effort in her, and he is even discussing highly personal details of his life with her. That is the stuff of romance and love, and that is what you are rightly most afraid of.

This is not a quickie with some throw away woman, this is him forging a relationship with her and yes he may convince you he is doing this to get her "on side" for the two of you, but I am pretty sceptical.

 

This is not an open relationship, this is just your bf having an affair with a married woman, with your permission (only because you found out).

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Lois_Griffin
Yes I know he has gone behind my back but this was before we really talked about all of this and came to an agreement. When I found out about something he pretty much immediately told me. Most men would just deny it and not come clean. This has been an issue he has been dealing with. But now that we discussed it really well and were on the same page he said that from here on out its smooth sailing. He said he was feeling really guilty that he was chatting with her but as a man he enjoyed the attention he was getting.

If you continue to make excuses for his sh*t behavior, don't be surprised when he does something else behind your back.

But now we are to the point that we will discuss anything and everything and there won't be any secrets or surprises.
Ignorance is bliss. Don't be surprised when this comes back to bite you in the ass, because it will. As the extent of their texts become more flirtatious and all that nonsense, he'll start deleting them so you can't see them.

 

You're not the first one here on LoveShack whose 'enlightened' open relationship blew up in their face, and you won't be the last.

 

All I'm saying is your over-confidence that he's going to be 100% honest is going to get you screwed over. Badly.

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juniorrocha

I think you should analyse what's best for you, although according to what you've said so far, you don't seem to be that okay with an open relationship; you're more into threesomes and that's it, I'd guess. But honestly your boyfriend doesn't seem trustworthy at all. Plus, that married woman. I'm impressed she's a psychologist and is possibly cheating on her husband. And your bf is ok with that, what makes it another red flag. Be careful and think about it.

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My bf and I have done a lot of communicating about a lot of what has been going on and we pretty much were on the same page about things.

 

Well yesterday we went to a Wedding where the girl was going to be. This was my first time seeing her (I've met her twice before) after finding out they both are sexually interested with each other. I assured him I would be completely cool and would not say or start anything. That isn't my character at all.

 

Let me say, that it was very awkward. I have done a lot of reading and usually mutual friends are out of the question to have sexual experiences with. But this situation stumbled across him and he loves the attention from this attractive girl. I am a strong empath. I can feel what other people are feeling. At the wedding they weren't really acknowledging each other at first. It was kinda funny to me. She looked over and I said hello first with a wave and she said hi back to both of us. She eventually came up and said hi and told me I looked really pretty. I told her she did too. I can tell there was tension between her and him. He was acting really strange and he asked me several times if I wanted to leave. The wedding was nice but we didn't know anyone expect for the bride and groom and the girl he is sexually attracted to! We had a lot of work to do at home so we ended up leaving. We said our goodbyes and I even gave her a hug goodbye.

 

I don't dislike her or hate her. I can't help she is attracted to my boyfriend. But I just felt all sorts of weird uncomfortable feelings coming from her and him. So it made me uncomfortable. But I didn't show it or act like it. We had a long talk and he said that he was going to come clean with her and tell her that I know what's going on and nothing can be more than friends. I told him he doesn't have to do that. I'm ok if they have sex and that's all it is. He said it feels like "work" and it shouldn't have to be like that. I explained that it is work between me and him because this is all new to us and we are making sure we are on the same page with each other and keeping a good strong communication.

 

I told him what bothers me is they text almost every day, talk on the phone and stuff. I am more comfortable with him just doing the sex then building some sort of friendship/relationship. I feel like it's inevitable that someone will gain feelings and someone will end up hurt. But I think it's the daily attention of something new that he really likes. I don't know. I'm just taking this day by day and trying my very best and communicating as good as I can.

 

He did tell me before, that he would want to have an experience with her and then try to get her for US. And I'm ok with that. But then he said last night in a perfect world, he would want to have a friends with benefits with her a few times. I told him that I am ok if he has a slip up and does something with a girl. But I am not ok with a friends with benefits things unless it was a friends with benefits that is for both of us. I am almost thinking that he wants to be poly and I am wanting to be open. Is this what is going on here? I just need some advice and clarification. Thank you to whoever reads this and replys.

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Kitty, this discussion board stuff is a 2-way street - you ask questions or seek input, we answer and/or give it, you evaluate and reply, etc. But you bscly ignored the last 10 or so posts here, and now you're asking the same questions (albeit around somewhat expanded circumstances) that were addressed in the posts you ignored, among others. So I think you can see why some of us might think further effort is kinda moot ....?

 

Not trying to be bitchy here but you need to throw us a bone if you still want more input.

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I understand completely. I will respond to the messages honestly I didn't notice most of the recent ones because I didn't realize there was 2 pages of responses. I am new to this site and still trying to figure it out :)

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I appreciate where Jen147 is coming from as she lives the lifestyle and will always be an advocate.

 

I do believe Open relationships only work for such an extreme vocal minority. The silent majority simply do not bother getting online to raise there troubles.

 

There are just so many "Open marriage failures" stories around to study but as i said, the vocal minority will dominate these type of sites, blogs, forums etc that resonates it's a successful practice.

 

This is not about personal experience and being scorned. it's about me having life experience.

 

A friend of mine approached her husband last year to discuss an open marriage. She read about then in a Cosmopolitan magazine and over a short period of time she became excited and overwhelmed by the concept. She told me when she first raised it with her hubby she really had to sell it as a package that was "more for him to twist his mind"

 

She said he was clearly stunned but remained composed. He was relatively silent about it all but over the next few days she "Kept at him" She spoke of all the rules they could have in place to ensure his piece of mind that she would not fall for another man. She told me she looks back at it now and fully appreciates he only agreed because he believed she would f*ck guy's behind his back.

 

She also told me how she spoke to him about honesty, open communication, trust and loyalty as the saviour of their marriage. Again! upon reflection she stated they're words that are great when using a sales pitch to hubby but what's your definition of each of these words.

 

She told me her intention was maybe meet a guy a few times a year and maybe the same for hubby to hook up with women. In her sales pitch to hubby she never gave numbers or time periods, she conceded she pushed they can " Hook Up" as it happens.

 

She is 30 and hubby is 31. He is a good looking guy and in good shape.

To get things rolling she new she would have to push hubby first and let him experience another woman to help garner support for her plan.

 

She encouraged him to sign up with a "Hook Up" site. He immediately began to receive messages from women and she noticed he was often at home texting away and stating he was talking to friends. In the first week, he went out and spent the night with a woman. He also began to go out with his friends to clubs and would message her that he had found a lady and was going home with her. That was part of their rules. Letting each other know what was happening.

 

Within a month he was going out 3 times a week and coming home very late or going out on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon for hours on end. He would openly tell her he was with women. She was stunned and struggling as she had not hooked up with any guy's and she felt it was all spiraling out of control. When she sat him down to discuss the matter he used all her comments from her sales pitch back at her. She felt lost and realised this is not what she expected but he was only living out what i pushed him into that he did not want.

 

She eventually said she was going out one night for a date with a guy and that she would not be home. She said he did not even flinch and that shocked her. The next day when she mentioned the guy to him he was dismissive and simply said "Ah yeah! as long as you had fun"

 

Fast forward nearly 3 months and this is what shocked her to her core. She came home to hubby one night after work to a bouquet of flowers and chocolates. Hubby was in a spirited mood and she thought things maybe changing. As they sat on the couch, she asked why the pleasant surprise.

She told me he was excitedly happy and stated how 3 months ago he only ever wanted her and no other woman, he only ever wanted to be her husband and live a great life together and how shocked he was by her proposal of an open marriage and never wanted to but believed she would screw around behind his back if he said no. He then told her how grateful he was to her for presenting such a rare opportunity to screw so many different women and to find new love.

 

She said LOVE! WTF do you mean love? he stated he was no longer screwing other women and exclusively dating this one lady. He began a sales pitch to his wife on the benefits of knowing there is only one lady and he's not out with different unknown women. When she said this had blown out of control and wanted to end the open marriage and for him not to see this lady again he again used all her reasoning for the open marriage as his argument to continue it with this one lady.

 

Needles to say, he left not long after and his lady is pregnant with their first child. As my friend said, the child that was meant to be mine.

 

So here she is now, in her 30's and divorced by her own hand as she puts it. The point she kept continually making was for all the rules she put in place and there was regular communication between them there is no way to rule the heart.

Edited by Lanah102
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