Jump to content

Almost at my wits end on Girlfriend chatting with other guy


Recommended Posts

JoeSmith357-1

Warning in advance, this is long, sorry

 

Some background, we are in our mid 30's, both divorced. We have been dating for about 3 years, she has lived with me for the last year and a half. She has a teenage son who lives with us. Ex-husband (10+ years divorced) lives 2 time zones away and is completely out of the picture.

 

We both came out of LTR's fairly soon before we met, in fact, she was the second person I had even gone out on a date with since breaking up with my previous GF of 2 years. She had not seen anyone since her breakup. We met online.

 

A couple months after she moved in, we were sitting in bed late at night and she got a text notification from some guy whose name I didn't recognize. I inquired who it was and she blew me off. I didn't think much of it until I kept seeing texts from this guy. I logged in to her phone and looked and some guy was coming on to her pretty hard. I gathered it was some ex boyfriend. I asked her about it, it was an ex of hers from before she got married that moved back into the area and was looking her up. He was recently divorced.

 

I told her I was not comfortable with the kind of conversations he was having with her, I told her I felt these were advances. He was going on and on about how much he wanted to have sex with her, pretty graphically.

 

She initially denied all of this, saying he was just catching up. I explained in detail about how him describing how bad he wanted to do a specific sex act with her, repeatedly, is crossing a line. And by her not shutting down the contact, it's leaving the door open to him. And bottom line, I was not comfortable with it. She agreed, and broke off contact.

 

I respected her privacy and did not check her phone at all, but it was over a year that I did not see any notifications or anything from him (or any other guy)

 

Fast forward to about 2 months ago. I was home sick, sleeping in, and woke up to my girlfriend's phone beeping away with text notifications on the nightstand while she was in the shower. I checked the name, and it was this guy again.

"good morning sweetie"

"missing you"

"give me a peek"

 

I'm sitting in bed thinking WTF, so I open up the texts, read back through the history. It goes back about a month. She has an iPhone, so unless you manually delete something, it stays on there forever. But what I found was shocking. Dick picks from him, nudes from her, and they have been sexting a lot. REALLY graphical stuff. Stuff from her about how she loves it when he comes inside of her, him about how he likes to bang her from behind with her boobs flapping as he thrusts. She comes back with a "but I like it better when I can see your face". She also goes on and on about how she fears slipping up when her and I are having sex, she is worried about calling out HIS name...

 

I am even more sick at this point. I am literally shaking in bed as I read this. There was some texts about them making plans to meet up. She had some up with a story about how "a friend" needed to borrow something of hers. I never inquired as to who it was. This plan fell through when he had to work.

 

I am floored by this, and when she comes out of the shower, I break down. She initially denies it all. Then goes into how flirting is ok. She denied actually having sex with him, or meeting in person. When I asked her about those very specific graphical texts, she said she was remembering from when they dated before. Apparently they had met up and banged a time or 2 over the years. I have no idea who contacted who, or when this started back up because the text history did not go back very far.

 

I told her that I was devastated and have completely lost all trust in her. I wanted to break up with her right then and now. She said she loved me more than anything, and could not answer me when I asked her WHY she was doing this.

WHY she was doing this

WHY she continued to contact me

WHY she thought it was ok

WHY she was keeping secrets to me

WHY she was allowing his advances, even though we were planning on a life together

WHY she was hurting me like this

 

She said "I wasnt supposed to see any of that". I came back with, "so if I dont see it, that makes it ok to do behind my back?"

 

She is crying by this point, realizing she messed up and got caught...

 

I don't know why, but I gave it a couple days and decided that I would give her one last chance.

 

An immediate red flag to me after this should have been that she immediately changed her phone's password, and set her text messages to not "alert" on the screen at all. I found this out when I texted her, and she didn't read it (because no notification) for several hours.

 

Anyway, everything seems fine again, then last night, she had her laptop out in the living room, facebook was open while we were watching tv, she goes off to the bathroom, and a facebook notification pops up from this guy. So I watch them have a conversation about how much he misses her, etc. To her credit she just makes small talk, some emoji's, smiley faces and stuff like that. But I am pissed. He crosses more boundaries again. And she allows it.

 

I ask her why she continues to talk with him. What she's getting out of it, why she refuses to shut the door. She turns it back on me saying I am jealous. I said I never questioned ANY of her conversations with anyone or friendships with ANYONE (including guys) until I had this shoved in my face multiple times.

 

Am I completely wrong for this? Should I reach out to this guy and tell her to back the F off? or is the onus on her.

 

I feel like just ending it right now.

 

I do love her, and this is particularly troubling because except for this, our relationship is great, we have good sex, etc. I dont know what i'm NOT doing for her that he is. She wont say... frustrating

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
JoeSmith357-1

I need to reiterate that when I say our relationship was truly great, I mean it. In every way.

 

How she can one minute tell me how much she loves me, and wants to spend the rest of her life with me, then 10 minutes later is sending naked pictures of herself and sexting / fantasizing about how much she loves to have him come inside of her and feel her wrap around his dick, to a guy she dated 15 years ago is absolutely beyond me.

 

When this happened, the issue with the pics and the sexting a few months ago, I asked her point blank, "honey is there something either I am doing or NOT doing that is making you go outside of our relationship for"? And she said no... she said I am the best thing that has happened to her.

 

I'm almost beginning to think she has something psychologically wrong with her (bipolar?) or something.

 

She does have a history of being in abusive and controlling relationships. I have always treaded lightly when it came to things like like this that might come across as meddling. But when it's thrown in your face like this, it cant be ignored.

 

I'm just at a loss for words. Something does not add up here. If she's just a cheating sociopath, I have to cut the cord. I feel I have thrown 3 years of my life away almost.

Edited by JoeSmith357-1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Run as fast as you can... She's broken unless you're OK with sharing you girlfriend, why would you want anybody that would treat you like that.

Edited by Sparta
  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
She knows you have little to no respect for yourself, so there is no incentive to change. What you've taught her is that you'll accept just about anything to be with her. You've established yourself as a doormat and she knows this -- what she has is easy because she has to put forth ZERO effort in order to maintain and keep you. When you teach a cheater that you'll tolerate bad behavior, trust there will be more.

 

What is the value of your relationship when you have to measure it based on the frequency one has been faithful? It's incredible how low you've set the bar for yourself. You're in deep denial.

 

I can't imagine what "solid things" mean other than the few good moments you have that's completely overshadowed by manipulation, lies and infidelity.

 

The above is my reply earlier today to a thread similar to yours. Read it.

 

You said -- "I need to reiterate that when I say our relationship was truly great, I mean it. In every way."

 

The fundamental VALUES of a healthy and great relationship entail respect, honesty, trust, loyalty, love, empathy -- two months into the relationship you already caught her chatting up another man -- there's nothing great about your relationship, only if you're gauging it by the shallow "good times" you both experience together when you both are on an upswing.

Edited by Zahara
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
italianjob

You nailed it, man, she's a cheating sociopath... Dump the bitch and just move on... There is really nothing to save there...

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
JoeSmith357-1
The above is my reply earlier today to a thread similar to yours. Read it.

 

You said -- "I need to reiterate that when I say our relationship was truly great, I mean it. In every way."

 

The fundamental VALUES of a healthy and great relationship entail respect, honesty, trust, loyalty, love, empathy -- two months into the relationship you already caught her chatting up another man -- there's nothing great about your relationship, only if you're gauging it by the shallow "good times" you both experience together when you both are on an upswing.

 

I hear what you say, and i'm on board. It wasnt 2 months into the relationship when it happened, it was 2 months after she moved in with me, which was over a year and a half after we started dating.

 

Trust is just not there. At all. I'm not sure how one rebuilds trust after such deceit.

 

I have to say, the way she deflects, and tries to turn it back on me like I am the bad guy for finding out about it has me actually asking myself if I am in the wrong here.

 

Like I said earlier, she seems to think this sort of thing is ok, if I don't know about it. Seriously, in any universe is this true?

 

Boundaries, ladies, boundaries have been crossed here, right?

 

If you are in a LTR, even LIVING with your partner, and some ghost from the past shows up on facebook, do you instantly melt, and run to him?

 

Not in a healthy relationship. Maybe i'm kidding myself, but all the signs were positive, as far as I was concerned, and outwardly from her, we were fine, great even...

Link to post
Share on other sites
Conviction

I'm truly shocked at how many times I've read this exact scenario from different posters, have so many people really lost the integrity to be committed to one person?! I degress....

 

I'm kind of a hard a** when it comes to this stuff, I have no tolersnce for games lIke this in a relationship. OP it's either you or the other guy, tell her that. If she's worth keeping around she'll respect that it bothers you and kick the guy to the curb.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I hear what you say, and i'm on board. It wasnt 2 months into the relationship when it happened, it was 2 months after she moved in with me, which was over a year and a half after we started dating.

 

Even worse because then you never knew what she was doing behind your back when you were both living in separate quarters. She was blatant about it when living with you, I can't imagine what she was doing when you didn't have an eye on her.

 

Trust is just not there. At all. I'm not sure how one rebuilds trust after such deceit.

 

In this case, you don't.

 

I have to say, the way she deflects, and tries to turn it back on me like I am the bad guy for finding out about it has me actually asking myself if I am in the wrong here.

 

It's called GASLIGHTING. Look it up. It's what manipulators do to manipulate you into doubting your own judgement and perception of the truth. In no time you'll be sitting there feeling like the bad guy.

 

Like I said earlier, she seems to think this sort of thing is ok, if I don't know about it. Seriously, in any universe is this true?

 

You've taught her that you'll accept bad behavior. So why shouldn't it be okay if you're still sitting there tolerating it. If anything, teach a cheater you'll do just about anything to be with them, and chances are you'll keep getting pissed on.

 

Boundaries, ladies, boundaries have been crossed here, right?

 

Do you even have to ask?

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly

You are being willfully blind to the fact that she at the very least has been having an emotional affair with this guy. You already know for sure she planned to meet him and have sex. Imagine what you don't know.

 

And it only supposedly stopped because you caught her. And even then, she didn't respect you enough to truly stop all contact. She continues to talk to him anyway. That should be all you need to know - her priority isn't your relationship or you.

 

Sorry, but your girlfriend is not the woman you thought she was. The awesome relationship you thought you had? Guess again. That's not what it is now. She was willing to throw away what you held in great value - what does that tell you about how much she values it? Then she has the nerve to try to turn it around on you? Oh, hell no.

 

I'm a woman too, and you don't even need to ask if she crossed boundaries. She wants to have sex with a man who is not you and was actively engaging in a grossly inappropriate affair.

 

Flirting? My arse.

 

It's called cheating. At least in my books. Your relationship is already dead.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites

She knows she has you over a barrel so will will continue doing this behind your back, possibly hooking up, etc. The only solution is to end it. She is most likely doing this because she want out. But stays for the financial support/ security.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Poppyolive

She doesn't give a hoot about you and your feelings. The promises, deceit, lies, hiding things, turning it on you...come on dude?! Surely you can see this is a completely one-sided relationship? Have you thought about the times she was with him and then came home to be with you? Gross.this is not someone that loves, cares or values you.

 

No more chances, ok? Move on. Find someone you don't have to keep checking up on.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
JoeSmith357-1
She doesn't give a hoot about you and your feelings. The promises, deceit, lies, hiding things, turning it on you...come on dude?! Surely you can see this is a completely one-sided relationship? Have you thought about the times she was with him and then came home to be with you? Gross.this is not someone that loves, cares or values you.

 

No more chances, ok? Move on. Find someone you don't have to keep checking up on.

 

But at the same time, she acts like I am the only one for her, tells me that she is the best thing that has ever happened to her, etc.

 

Are people this dishonest?

 

Like I said, the recent communications have not been sexual in nature, but amounts to playing "internet footsie", i'm just at a complete loss for words

Link to post
Share on other sites
amaysngrace

Don't pay attention to what she says....pay attention to what she DOES. And what she does is disrespects you all over the place.

 

You need to have the respect for yourself and your relationship because that woman has zero of that. She's playing you for a fool.

  • Like 9
Link to post
Share on other sites
Space Ritual

Dude,

 

It has NOTHING to do with you. It has everything to do with her. She is broken and addicted to the attention she gets form other men. It would not matter if it was an 18 year old or an 81 year old.

 

The only thing she cares about concerning your feelings is that you don't find out so she does not have to find somewhere else to live. Frankly you are nothing more than an afterthought to somebody who is in the throes of their fantasy like this.

 

You can't nice a person like this back into a relationship. You have to terminate the relationship with and hand her consequences as soon as possible.

 

Kick her out or move out yourself. You are not married so you won't have a messy divorce to go through. If you have to, losing some money for leaving a lease early is a small price to pay for removing an albatross like that from around your neck.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
But at the same time, she acts like I am the only one for her, tells me that she is the best thing that has ever happened to her, etc.

If she is still in contact with the guy, than she is NOT acting like you are the only one.... Her words that you are the best thing that has ever happened to her are just that: Words. They don't mean anything at this point other than an attempt to keep you around when/if the other guy doesn't work out.

 

B

Are people this dishonest?

Yes they are. Read our infidelity boards - they are rife with this type of story of deception, from both women and men.

 

Like I said, the recent communications have not been sexual in nature, but amounts to playing "internet footsie", i'm just at a complete loss for words

She is keeping him on a back burner because - I believe - she knows that you will be breaking up with her over this and wants to have a back-up in place when that happens.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
But at the same time, she acts like I am the only one for her, tells me that she is the best thing that has ever happened to her, etc.

 

Are people this dishonest?

 

Like I said, the recent communications have not been sexual in nature, but amounts to playing "internet footsie", i'm just at a complete loss for words

 

No, she doesn't.

 

You thought she did, but then you discovered the truth.

 

 

Acting like you are the only one should never include exchanging nude photos, engaging in sexually explicit conversation and plans to meet a man who isn't you. That is exactly the opposite of acting like you're the only one. Maybe at one time she did, but that's not your present anymore.

 

And yes, people really are that dishonest. Have a visit to the Infidelity forum on this website and you will see you are sadly in good company.

 

Frankly, I don't see how you're not fuming that she is still in any contact with this guy at all. Being non-sexual now with their communication is absolutely insufficient, in my opinion - they should be in zero communication. Ask yourself why she's not. Be honest with yourself. She sure won't be.

Edited by ExpatInItaly
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
JoeSmith357-1

So having the conversation yesterday, she thinks I am suffocating her because she thinks I won't let her have any guy friends.

 

I pointed out to her at least 4 male friends I have no issue with her being good friends with. I then point out that she's not sending nude pictures to them, they arent sending nude pictures to her, and they are not engaged in sexting or sexual texts back and forth.

 

THAT didn't go over very well. I know women hate to be corrected, but for ****s sake... take some responsibility.

 

Since she and her son LIVE with me, this is a little more difficult than just kicking her to the curb.

 

And i'm honestly trying to still decide if this is recoverable or not. But she is going to have to take some responsibility here.

 

Question to the women.

 

One of the things she brought up is, she likes to flirt with guys. She says its ok for women to flirt with guys. I disagreed and said people in committed relationships don't flirt. I said I don't flirt with other women, etc.

 

She's in her mid-late 30's and acting like a single teenager or early 20's

Link to post
Share on other sites

Question to the women.

 

One of the things she brought up is, she likes to flirt with guys. She says its ok for women to flirt with guys. I disagreed and said people in committed relationships don't flirt. I said I don't flirt with other women, etc.

 

She's in her mid-late 30's and acting like a single teenager or early 20's

 

What she's doing isn't flirting -- I think you're trying to brainwash yourself into boxing her behavior up in a nice little box called "flirting" so that in your mind you can justify that it is acceptable behavior.

 

In the realm of healthy boundaries within a relationship -- she falls very short.

 

I'm a woman in my 40s and your behavior is unattractive. If anything you are a target for women like her. You're an opportunity -- she and her son gets to live with you, while she gets to have you on the side providing her with benefits as she goes out there and gets her jollies off. She knows you're emasculated -- you exhibit no ability to have any self-respect or boundaries.

 

Your excuse is that women hate to be corrected? Where did you pull that out from? Any mature and emotionally intelligent woman wouldn't have to be corrected when it comes to this sort of behavior.

 

It isn't difficult to kick her off to the curb. She doesn't get rewarded for bad behavior. Unless you want to remain in a relationship that tears at your self-esteem, and trust there will be more of this behavior to come, then find your self-respect and be done with this. You know why there will be more bad behavior to come, it's because you've taught her that you'll accept just about anything to be with her. So don't count on her changing her behavior. Once you establish yourself as a doormat, it's never changing.

 

You can create thread after thread, you will not find one person that is going to say to you that this behavior is acceptable.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
lolablue17

You don't understand her, right? I can understand her very well, but I certainly don't understand you!

 

She likes you, she loves you, and she like the stability you provide. Along with that, she has needs\hobbies, and one of them is to feel desired by other men, sexting with other man, and i guess sleeping with other man. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It only means she doesn't love you enough to give up these needs, and these needs are more important than your feelings. My theory is very logical and even common.

 

But I don't understan why do you live in total denial. You let her leading you on, lying to you, cheating on you, so you in fact encourage her to continue cheating. Why should she stop if she can have both worlds? You are too weak to leave and she uses you.

 

If you make an ultimatum, it won't help you, because she will say everything you want to hear, but she will only improve her hiding skills. She has proven that she has no problem to constantly lying and cheating. She won't change. Her child is her problem, and she cared about his stability, she could have thought about it before by being faithful.

 

Every day she lives at your house is an insult to your existence and manhood.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
JoeSmith357-1
You can create thread after thread, you will not find one person that is going to say to you that this behavior is acceptable.

 

I'm not asking for validation here, and I have created exactly 2 threads on the subject.

 

The rest of your post was on point, this little snip at the end was unnecessary

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm not asking for validation here, and I have created exactly 2 threads on the subject.

 

The rest of your post was on point, this little snip at the end was unnecessary

 

"But as a sanity check, and maybe things have changed as the years go by, or culturally / regionally things are different."

 

My last bit was based on that statement. That's a possible justification you cooked up in your head that just maybe what's she doing is acceptable? You're still grasping.

 

No matter how you frame it or how you ask it, no one is going to find her behavior acceptable. That's all it was meant to be. If you're able to list the dos and don'ts, then deep down in your heart you know what's wrong and what's right. You KNOW what your boundaries are and you know what you will and will not accept. And you've received unanimous responses in this thread.

 

But you've lost complete trust in your own judgement.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I sort of scanned this and went Oh yes, 19, early twenties woman, too many options, too young or foolish to say no - but then I read more closely and she is living with you, has a teenage son and is aged 35...!!!!

 

This is a grown woman, who knows very well what she is doing and she has no love or empathy for you, it appears.

She is treating you like a doormat, good old Joe, he will put up with anything.

I believe she is having sex with him, who on earth talks so graphically about sex they had years ago...

 

All women like to flirt to an extent, but there is a big difference between a bit of harmless innuendo plus some hair flicking, AND screeds of lewd texts and nude pics...

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
aliveagain

Joe since when is sending nude photo's of yourself to another man called flirting? They are not writing about their sexual acts in the past tense or they would use phrases like "I used to love the way"....... She knows how much her actions are bothering you but refuses to stop. It is now up to you to defend your boundaries, only you can change what is going on, only you can take yourself out of infidelity. This will stop when you decide it will stop, you just have to start the process. She's risking your relationship for someone from her past(a relationship that failed), personally I think your relationship has run it's coarse. Besides, who wants a girlfriend who's cha cha is all over the internet? Your words have had very little effect, time to for you to take action, why waste anymore time on the wrong woman.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Space Ritual

Look,

 

I get that you want somebody to tell you something, anything, in fact that will fit into your narrative that this isn't that bad.

 

You are not the first person that has come here with this type of conundrum and you won't be the last.

 

But the reality that you seem to fail t understand is that you can't "nice" somebody back into a relationship when they already don't really have much respect for you.

I get that you say it's more complicated being you live together. Sure, we get that. However we also get that you would rather just sweep this under the rug and hope she just comes to her senses. Just understands in some Eureka moment that you are everything he wants and needs

 

She won't.

 

Your hesitance to act in your own best interest will be your downfall. There is a vast difference between flirting and sending naked pictures that can be compared and contrasted in about 2 seconds. I suggest you get your head out of the sand so you re not back here in 2 months saying you can't understand how this all happened?

Link to post
Share on other sites
PinkSunset

It doesn't matter what we think in terms of if "flirting is okay". If YOU are uncomfortable with her flirting with other men, and you have told her that YOU are, then that is that!

What she has done is NOT flirting with other men. It is cheating! She is cheating on you with this guy and you're allowing it to go on by staying with her. She won't change, she doesn't see anything wrong with her actions.

 

Who cares if she and her son are living with you? Time to show her where the door is. Find someone who respects you.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...