pushmug Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 i was wondering , if a married man has a crush/ flirting or interested in some other woman for example at work... would he still want to sleep with his wife constantly , i mean like be able to not change his sexual pattern ??? as a woman i can honestly say that if i was interested in another guy i new out side my marriage .. i wouldnt want to even kiss my husband on the lips! is it the same with men? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 It's not possible to make such a sweeping generalization. Not all men are the same, you know. The answer to your question is the same as any other question which tries to make such a sweeping generalization. Some guys could do it but some couldn't. Maybe if you gave us more details about your specific situation then we could be of more assistance? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 i was wondering , if a married man has a crush/ flirting or interested in some other woman for example at work... would he still want to sleep with his wife constantly , i mean like be able to not change his sexual pattern ??? as a woman i can honestly say that if i was interested in another guy i new out side my marriage .. i wouldnt want to even kiss my husband on the lips! is it the same with men? Many men who cheat have great sex lives with their wives. Cheating is often about getting "extra" and "variety" and it is not about gaining a replacement. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 pushmug, When my (ex)H was cheating he wanted more sex, not less, and this is what made me suspicious. Apparently he told his AP that his marriage was practically sexless, as he didn't fancy me anymore as I'd got fat. ( I am 5'3" tall and at the time weighed about 126lbs) She must've got a shock when she finally saw me and realised that I wasn't a lard-@r$e 3 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 as a woman i can honestly say that if i was interested in another guy i new out side my marriage .. i wouldnt want to even kiss my husband on the lips! is it the same with men? That's not even true for all women. A crush can provide a big rush of sexual energy even with the primary partner. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pushmug Posted April 25, 2016 Author Share Posted April 25, 2016 then how should a person know??? my husband is very nice ... he loves hanging out with me ... pampers me and cuddles allll night , wants to have sex alll the time . but i have some suspicions with his co worker . he hides msgs from her .. he kept from me that she gave him a ride to work . well.. there is the fact that they spend 8 hours a day EVERYDAY together Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 well.. there is the fact that they spend 8 hours a day EVERYDAY together That could be said for any person who works with members of the opposite sex. My partner spends 8 hours a day with male colleagues, as do probably 80% of the adult working population. To suggest that means she's cheating, is craziness. he hides msgs from her .. he kept from me that she gave him a ride to work . This however, is much more suspicious and genuine reason to be distrustful. What do the messages say? Can you share details about the ride she gave him and how he "hid" it? Have you discussed this with him before? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pushmug Posted April 25, 2016 Author Share Posted April 25, 2016 well to be honest... i react very badly to these situations..im a very jealous person, so maybe thats why he hides things from me ..atleast thats what he said. the msgs are nothing ...a group msg from work with her in it and another 5 male co workers .. and the ride he says he hid it from me because he thaught id get super mad and think something was going on ...which i would have done exactly that. but now i feel what more is he hiding from me ? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 So if he told you about the ride, you'd get mad. And if he didn't tell you, you'd get mad. If he told you about the messages, you'd get mad. And if he didn't tell you about them, you'd get mad. He doesn't really stand much of a chance here, does he?? Damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. You seem to have major trust issues here. You should discuss your complete distrust of him with a marriage or individual councillor. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 So if he told you about the ride, you'd get mad. And if he didn't tell you, you'd get mad. If he told you about the messages, you'd get mad. And if he didn't tell you about them, you'd get mad. He doesn't really stand much of a chance here, does he?? Damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. You seem to have major trust issues here. You should discuss your complete distrust of him with a marriage or individual councillor. Took the words right out of my mouth. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 For the men of my generation whom I know personally, sexual activity with their spouse is a large part of how they give and receive love and affection. It's a significant form of expression, and was for me while married. Unless other interactions preclude sexual activity, like illness or lack of participation by the spouse, I would expect any man to continue to have sexual contact with his spouse while participating in an affair. Why? Men compartmentalize. Sex and love with his spouse is in the spouse 'box' and sex and love with his mistress or affair partner resides in that 'box'. It's a function of how his brain is organized, in general, and extends to his interpersonal sexual relationships but can be found in nearly all facets of his life. Men, of course, are individuals so the degree varies. How a man handles friendships, business, social interactions, children, etc, lends clues to how he'll handle sexual activity in his marriage and an affair situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pushmug Posted April 25, 2016 Author Share Posted April 25, 2016 i do have trust issues and im not saying im right at all... i just want to know if there is any sign or clue that can tell me if he has fallen out of love with me or fallen for someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 i do have trust issues and im not saying im right at all... i just want to know if there is any sign or clue that can tell me if he has fallen out of love with me or fallen for someone else. Does he act in love with you? I don't mean sex, but how he talks to you and treats you in general. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Signs? Depends on the man. Some men are sloppy and leave clues around. Others are fastidious to the N-th degree. Behavioral changes can lend clues. Knowing if the guy compartmentalizes and, if so, how much, can provide comparative scenarios. If his style of compartmentalizing interactions changes, that can be a clue. These days, electronic surveillance can often assist. Could be a keylogger on a phone, a VAR in the car, GPS tracking, hidden cameras, etc, etc. If a spouse or partner is normally not a suspicious type and is trusting, that can be useful. Play dumb and sleuth. If a guy thinks he has her and can talk his way out of anything, he'll make mistakes, of course presuming he's interested in/involved with someone else. He may not be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pushmug Posted April 25, 2016 Author Share Posted April 25, 2016 well, he acts ... in love. thing is , he loves me and is very nice and swet and cuddly and all that but when i start to ask questions he gets super defensive . yes maybe i ask too much questions but still hes very defensive and is very upset that i dont trust him. he loves spending time with me and gives me attention and i could be a bit annoying, but im so afraid he could be having an emotional affair, or flirting around at work and manage to be emotionally present with me at the same time. i really got trust issues ..i know . and im trying so hard to fix myself. im so torn and just would like to tak about it or read about experiences . Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 well, he acts ... in love. thing is , he loves me and is very nice and swet and cuddly and all that but when i start to ask questions he gets super defensive . yes maybe i ask too much questions but still hes very defensive and is very upset that i dont trust him. he loves spending time with me and gives me attention and i could be a bit annoying, but im so afraid he could be having an emotional affair, or flirting around at work and manage to be emotionally present with me at the same time. i really got trust issues ..i know . and im trying so hard to fix myself. im so torn and just would like to tak about it or read about experiences . I suspect that it is much more difficult for people to have an emotional affair (heart with someone else) and keep acting "in love" with their partner....than it is to have enthusiastic sex or even sexual thoughts about two people. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 OP, you need to stop or he will leave. Have you sought counselling for your insecurity? I was with a man who behaved a lot like you. It was draining. Nothing was godo enough for him, he was constantly accusing me of cheating. I never did, nor did I ever given him a reason to believe I had. The problem was him. I eventually left. Knock it off now, or watch your self-fulling prophecy come true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 he loves me and is very nice and swet and cuddly and all that but when i start to ask questions he gets super defensive . yes maybe i ask too much questions but still hes very defensive and is very upset that i dont trust him. So just like the other 2 examples above. If he acts like he loves you, he must be covering up for cheating. And if he doesn't act like he loves you, he must be cheating. He's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. I'm not surprised he gets super defensive when you bring this up, because whatever he says or does, it's never good enough for you! You're driving him up the wall with your insecurity and trust issues. One day he WILL get sick of it and leave. I can't see any evidence whatsoever that he is cheating, here. It's all in your head. And you are going to sabotage your relationship by behaving like this. If you want to save your relationship you need to change this behaviour pattern NOW. Call a therapist TODAY, not tomorrow, or it might be too late. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pushmug Posted April 26, 2016 Author Share Posted April 26, 2016 every single post is very true and very good advice .. omg im destroying my marriage . how can i stop this ? i keep asking question after qustion after question ...and its just ridiculous ...how can repair the damage ive already done :'( Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 You can start by accepting your role and behavior, validating it as real, and moving forward. Marriages are teamwork. You and your partner work either partner's issues, or marital issues in general, together. Isolating yourself only serves to disconnect you from the team. If you've been inappropriately suspicious, untrusting, or jealous, that's OK! You're human, just like your spouse or any of us. Get it out there, work it and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pushmug Posted April 26, 2016 Author Share Posted April 26, 2016 thing is , i did that ALOT..i apologized dozens of times and we talked about it and he reassured me several times , its terrible i had 2 online therapy sessions that worked at the begining but these feelings come rushing back everytime i see his female friends liking his posts on facebook (female coworker) or if hes too busy to answer my texts or is a bit late ... i badger him with questions i keep telling myself i need to trust him ...i do trust him but i start telling myself not to ... there is an internal battle inside of me Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 i apologized dozens of times An apology is meaningless if you don't learn from your mistakes and change. But you can't change, because there is something wrong with your brain chemistry. You need to get this fixed through cognitive behavioral therapy, perhaps with the short-term help of medication. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 (edited) I agree that it seems you have trust issues in general. I would also say that messaging another woman and hiding it from you is not healthy either. I mean, just because you are paranoid doesn't mean he's not screwing around. It means you have no proof and are prone to jumping to conclusions based on little or no evidence. There is no sure-fire hints regarding cheating. You find messages that leave no doubt or you catch him in bed. Sometimes the other woman's husband busts her and then calls you. Going into all-out snoop mode is the way most betrayed partners catch the cheater. Marriage counseling would be good for you guys. You can learn how to establish firm boundaries with the opposite sex - ones you are comfortable with - and this alone will help you with your trust issues. Good luck. Edited April 26, 2016 by drifter777 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pushmug Posted April 27, 2016 Author Share Posted April 27, 2016 yesterday , we were sitting down together and watching tv and when he held his phone i took a glimpse at his watsapp and i found new msgs from the office group chat .... and for the first time i took the decision to trust him and not check his new msgs ... for the first time in i dont know how long i trusted him ...i really said to myself what could i possibly find in a watsapp group chat ??!!! probably nothing . he loves spending time with me cuddles with me all night has sex with me almost everyday ... tells me he misses me when hes at work ....WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ? how can i not trust him ????? i need to get rid of my evil twin that keeps telling me not to be like all those women that were cheated on. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 (edited) yesterday , we were sitting down together and watching tv and when he held his phone i took a glimpse at his watsapp and i found new msgs from the office group chat .... and for the first time i took the decision to trust him and not check his new msgs ... for the first time in i dont know how long i trusted him ...i really said to myself what could i possibly find in a watsapp group chat ??!!! probably nothing . he loves spending time with me cuddles with me all night has sex with me almost everyday ... tells me he misses me when hes at work ....WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ? how can i not trust him ????? i need to get rid of my evil twin that keeps telling me not to be like all those women that were cheated on. I see that everyone has managed to turn this all back on you and while there's a degree of truth to the fact that you have trust issues, some of his behavior has been less than stellar. Hiding things from you where she's concerned is a red flag regardless of why he did it. That's NOT how you garner trust in your wife - by hiding things. And you asked earlier if a man can act totally present while being involved with someone else and the answer is yes. Many, many women have been completely blindsided to find out that their loving, adoring, devoted husbands - who they were having sex almost every day with - were also having affairs on the side. So yes, it's very possible and happens often. While you need to work on your trust issues, he also needs to stop with the secrets and lies. Edited April 27, 2016 by Lois_Griffin 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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