Roperczy Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Yesterday my gf confessed that she cheated on me with her former flame. She also thinks that she could now be pregnant by him. According to her, the reason for her transgression, is my "lack of interest in sex with her" which ultimately made her go back to her ex, who is a man in his 60's. The reason why I didn't initiate sex with her is that she suffers from a stress disorder which makes her hyper vigilant and averse to physical contact. Early in our relationship I actually did try to initiate sex only to be pushed back by her and I wasn't even allowed to sit next to her on occasions. So I find this "reason" of hers rather hypocritical totally unacceptable. She says that she is ready to sort out the pregnancy issue and continue our relationship if I am willing to overlook her "mistake". She is a very attractive woman with a lot of other good qualities. So sometimes I feel I should take her up on her offer. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Run like the effing wind and not look back! Seriously. RUN. She is highly toxic. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
VintageWine Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Yesterday my gf confessed that she cheated on me with her former flame. She also thinks that she could now be pregnant by him. According to her, the reason for her transgression, is my "lack of interest in sex with her" which ultimately made her go back to her ex, who is a man in his 60's. The reason why I didn't initiate sex with her is that she suffers from a stress disorder which makes her hyper vigilant and averse to physical contact. Early in our relationship I actually did try to initiate sex only to be pushed back by her and I wasn't even allowed to sit next to her on occasions. So I find this "reason" of hers rather hypocritical totally unacceptable. She says that she is ready to sort out the pregnancy issue and continue our relationship if I am willing to overlook her "mistake". She is a very attractive woman with a lot of other good qualities. So sometimes I feel I should take her up on her offer. What should I do? No, no, no. She made the choice to go back to her ex, she didn't have to, no one said to go back to her ex, she made the choice and I agree with the other comment. Run. Why take someone up on the offer after cheating on you, you're not a welcome home mat. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 According to her, the reason for her transgression, is my "lack of interest in sex with her" which ultimately made her go back to her ex That is known as "blame-shifting." She is trying to put all of the responsibility for HER indiscretion on your shoulders. She says that she is ready to sort out the pregnancy issue and continue our relationship if I am willing to overlook her "mistake". What? Does that mean she is willing to have an abortion to try and pretend nothing happened if you will take her back? She is a very attractive woman with a lot of other good qualities. You want her back because she is attractive? So sometimes I feel I should take her up on her offer. What should I do? I think you should let this one go and find someone who doesn't lie and cheat. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Roperczy Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 That is known as "blame-shifting." She is trying to put all of the responsibility for HER indiscretion on your shoulders. What? Does that mean she is willing to have an abortion to try and pretend nothing happened if you will take her back? You want her back because she is attractive? I think you should let this one go and find someone who doesn't lie and cheat. Yeah getting an abortion and forgetting the whole thing is what she means by "overlooking her mistake". I have to be honest her attractiveness is a part of it. I also invested a lot in this relationship emotionally and was willing to wait until she sorted out her stress disorder. However, I think you guys are right. I shouldn't be a doormat eh? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 No, you should not be a doormat. Sounds like she has been using her good looks to get her way and play people. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 The fact that you even need to ask what to do says a lot about your self-respect, OP. Get away from her, and stay that way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Roperczy Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 The fact that you even need to ask what to do says a lot about your self-respect, OP. Get away from her, and stay that way. I couldn't see it that way before but I think you're right. This is a matter of my dignity and self-respect. Thank you for pointing that out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 What does attractiveness have to do with it? She's so attractive instead of going out and getting a hunky stud she went and banged a 60 year old (not that there's anything wrong with his age) but she literally went for the easiest lay (ex boyfriend so past sexual history etc). The fact that she didn't use protection, let him finish inside her, didn't take a pill after and now is willing to get an abortion and pretend nothing happened? Bruh even if she looked like Gisele I'd run like my tail was on fire. And yes, it's a self respect thing, and her not respecting you..again no protection, could've come back and had sex with you exposing you to those STD's, literally signing a death warrant. So no tell her to enjoy her pregnancy and go find another chick. Quite frankly she sounds ugly inside. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Roperczy Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 What does attractiveness have to do with it? She's so attractive instead of going out and getting a hunky stud she went and banged a 60 year old (not that there's anything wrong with his age) but she literally went for the easiest lay (ex boyfriend so past sexual history etc). The fact that she didn't use protection, let him finish inside her, didn't take a pill after and now is willing to get an abortion and pretend nothing happened? Bruh even if she looked like Gisele I'd run like my tail was on fire. And yes, it's a self respect thing, and her not respecting you..again no protection, could've come back and had sex with you exposing you to those STD's, literally signing a death warrant. So no tell her to enjoy her pregnancy and go find another chick. Quite frankly she sounds ugly inside. Yeah thinking along those lines, it becomes apparent that she had very little respect for me and I can't simply brush aside her indiscretion as a mistake. I was blinded by love but now I need to start respecting myself more. Thanks for the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 I'm guessing she made lots of other ' mistakes', but never got pregnant ...hence you knew nothing. Dump her and let her and grandpa do what they like with the baby. She's a selfish immature woman and you can do better. Attraction on the outside - doesn't spell beauty on the inside. Move on and let her be. All she wants is for you to shut your mouth and put up with her trashy behaviour. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Roperczy Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 I'm guessing she made lots of other ' mistakes', but never got pregnant ...hence you knew nothing. Dump her and let her and grandpa do what they like with the baby. She's a selfish immature woman and you can do better. Attraction on the outside - doesn't spell beauty on the inside. Move on and let her be. All she wants is for you to shut your mouth and put up with her trashy behaviour. Come to think of it, you could be right, she could have made other "mistakes" as well. "Attraction on the outside - doesn't spell beauty on the inside." How very true? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 "Attraction on the outside - doesn't spell beauty on the inside." How very true? Glad you are starting to see this. I have a friend who is conventionally gorgeous. Men fall all over to be with her and in the ten years I've known her, I actually haven't seen her stay with a guy more than about a year. They get her, ask her to move in, and within a year, she is having to move elsewhere. I have figured out that it is because she really isn't a nice person and just uses her looks to land guys that will house and feed her. As long as her beauty holds out, I suppose she will always have a place to live and not have to work, but it won't last and these guys will keep coming and going. Don't be one of these guys.... Find a woman with substance on the INSIDE who will treat you the way you deserve. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Roperczy Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 Glad you are starting to see this. I have a friend who is conventionally gorgeous. Men fall all over to be with her and in the ten years I've known her, I actually haven't seen her stay with a guy more than about a year. They get her, ask her to move in, and within a year, she is having to move elsewhere. I have figured out that it is because she really isn't a nice person and just uses her looks to land guys that will house and feed her. As long as her beauty holds out, I suppose she will always have a place to live and not have to work, but it won't last and these guys will keep coming and going. Don't be one of these guys.... Find a woman with substance on the INSIDE who will treat you the way you deserve. From what she told me, my (ex) gf, has had a string of abusive relationships resulting in her stress disorder. Who knows? They could all have been fables eh? I simply couldn't see beyond her looks and her good qualities (she had a few). Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Yesterday my gf confessed that she cheated on me with her former flame. She also thinks that she could now be pregnant by him. According to her, the reason for her transgression, is my "lack of interest in sex with her" which ultimately made her go back to her ex, who is a man in his 60's. The reason why I didn't initiate sex with her is that she suffers from a stress disorder which makes her hyper vigilant and averse to physical contact. Early in our relationship I actually did try to initiate sex only to be pushed back by her and I wasn't even allowed to sit next to her on occasions. So I find this "reason" of hers rather hypocritical totally unacceptable. She says that she is ready to sort out the pregnancy issue and continue our relationship if I am willing to overlook her "mistake". She is a very attractive woman with a lot of other good qualities. So sometimes I feel I should take her up on her offer. What should I do? averse to physical contact? It's pretty hard to get pregnant without physical contact . . . She's not averse to physical contact, for whatever reason, she's averse to it from you . . . Overlook her "mistake"???? This is not a mistake, it's a conscious effort and a mistake that will always be in your face . . . A lot of good qualities -- rather than talk to you about her concerns which are, at best questionable, she goes to her ex, has a stress disorder that makes her selectively averse to physical contact and then tells you that your lack of interest in sex with her caused her to do something stupid. Where's the 60 year old EX who got her pregnant, it's his baby. Why is she coming back to you and dumping the issue on you? -- Send her back to the ex and let her sort out the pregnancy issue with HIM. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 (edited) She says that she is ready to sort out the pregnancy issue and continue our relationship if I am willing to overlook her "mistake". She is a very attractive woman with a lot of other good qualities. So sometimes I feel I should take her up on her offer. What should I do? You pack up all her belongings, drive her over to her Old Flame's house, knock on the door, and when he opens it you should say "Here she is, she's your problem now". Then turn around, walk away and go live your life. To do anything else would be foolhardy in the extreme. Edited February 7, 2016 by Space Ritual Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 I was blinded by love but now I need to start respecting myself more. Thanks for the advice. I think you're MORE 'blinded' by what you feel is her good looks. If you felt she were only marginally attractive, you'd probably have no patience for her shi*t behavior. The fact that you KEEP mentioning how 'attractive' she is gives it all away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de cactus Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 So what are the good qualities she may have that could cancel out her cheating on you with her ex and getting pregnant and coming to mess up with your mind?. I guess she had the conversation about the pregnancy with the ex and the old man told her go back to you. Then, she is trying to confess love she does not have for you. If it does not work she will go back to the ex. This is how I see things.She really does not care or love you. She is just selfish and does not see the mess she creates and how she is hurting others. She only think she is important and can move back and forth from an ex to ex. It is ok if you love her but I dont think she loves you back. Just one question? Are you afraid that you will not find another woman? Do you think if you take her back she will never go to the old man ever? Do you likes that kind of drama? I sincerely wish you good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Roperczy Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 So what are the good qualities she may have that could cancel out her cheating on you with her ex and getting pregnant and coming to mess up with your mind?. I guess she had the conversation about the pregnancy with the ex and the old man told her go back to you. Then, she is trying to confess love she does not have for you. If it does not work she will go back to the ex. This is how I see things.She really does not care or love you. She is just selfish and does not see the mess she creates and how she is hurting others. She only think she is important and can move back and forth from an ex to ex. It is ok if you love her but I dont think she loves you back. Just one question? Are you afraid that you will not find another woman? Do you think if you take her back she will never go to the old man ever? Do you likes that kind of drama? I sincerely wish you good luck. It's not that I can't find another woman but for some inexplicable reason there was too much emotional investment from me in this relationship. No I certainly don't want that sort of drama. I am beginning to see her true colors. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Roperczy Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 I think you're MORE 'blinded' by what you feel is her good looks. If you felt she were only marginally attractive, you'd probably have no patience for her shi*t behavior. The fact that you KEEP mentioning how 'attractive' she is gives it all away. Guilty as charged but thanks to all of the comments and advice I am starting to realize that I have been an idiot all this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Roperczy Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 averse to physical contact? It's pretty hard to get pregnant without physical contact . . . She's not averse to physical contact, for whatever reason, she's averse to it from you . . . Overlook her "mistake"???? This is not a mistake, it's a conscious effort and a mistake that will always be in your face . . . A lot of good qualities -- rather than talk to you about her concerns which are, at best questionable, she goes to her ex, has a stress disorder that makes her selectively averse to physical contact and then tells you that your lack of interest in sex with her caused her to do something stupid. Where's the 60 year old EX who got her pregnant, it's his baby. Why is she coming back to you and dumping the issue on you? -- Send her back to the ex and let her sort out the pregnancy issue with HIM. I thought she was averse to physical contact from anybody. Now I know otherwise. I should have inquired about that a lot earlier but like I mentioned before, I invested too much (emotionally) in this relationship for some reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 yep better to invest emotionally than down the line when you've invested in a house, cars, assets and kids. Run Invest in someone else. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 I thought she was averse to physical contact from anybody. Now I know otherwise. I should have inquired about that a lot earlier but like I mentioned before, I invested too much (emotionally) in this relationship for some reason. I invested too much (emotionally) in this relationship for some reason -- It would be wise to invest in yourself a little more. Do a little introspection into why you did . . . because if you don't, you may find yourself in a similar position -- with another woman who doesn't/can't meet your needs. I'm wondering about the fact that you knew she had a stress disorder and felt a need to try to help her, fix her, wait for her to get over her stress disorder. People do this often, however, if you take on a "project", it's a lot easier if you have the skills/knowledge to know how to do it. Assuming she does have a stress disorder, it is not something that would be "fixed". She would learn the skills for how to manage it and do better at the things that are affected by it. But even that would take years. If you meet someone who confesses a "disorder", you don't wait for things to be fixed. You can seek counseling for yourself to gain understanding about the issue and know how to be supportive of it and make a conscious decision about living with it, but you don't just hang around waiting. From the little bit you told us, being hypervigilant and averse to touch is often a result of sexual abuse or some kind of physical abuse. And, sometimes people who are victims of abuse actually become somewhat promiscuous regardless of the fact that they are hypervigilant, etc. They want validation and comfort so they push it all aside for that. However, they aren't "selective" about it either as a rule. Move on from her. Take some time to focus on you. Think more deeply about what it is you really want in a relationship (beyond looks) and seek women you find attractive who also have those other qualities and don't let yourself be swayed by a "pretty face". If you focus on that face only, you are still living with a stranger. Well, we all fall in love, But we disregard the danger 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 I thought she was averse to physical contact from anybody. Now I know otherwise. I should have inquired about that a lot earlier but like I mentioned before, I invested too much (emotionally) in this relationship for some reason. Pity she can't say the same for you or else she wouldn't be in the situation she's in now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Roperczy Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 I invested too much (emotionally) in this relationship for some reason -- It would be wise to invest in yourself a little more. Do a little introspection into why you did . . . because if you don't, you may find yourself in a similar position -- with another woman who doesn't/can't meet your needs. I'm wondering about the fact that you knew she had a stress disorder and felt a need to try to help her, fix her, wait for her to get over her stress disorder. People do this often, however, if you take on a "project", it's a lot easier if you have the skills/knowledge to know how to do it. Assuming she does have a stress disorder, it is not something that would be "fixed". She would learn the skills for how to manage it and do better at the things that are affected by it. But even that would take years. If you meet someone who confesses a "disorder", you don't wait for things to be fixed. You can seek counseling for yourself to gain understanding about the issue and know how to be supportive of it and make a conscious decision about living with it, but you don't just hang around waiting. From the little bit you told us, being hypervigilant and averse to touch is often a result of sexual abuse or some kind of physical abuse. And, sometimes people who are victims of abuse actually become somewhat promiscuous regardless of the fact that they are hypervigilant, etc. They want validation and comfort so they push it all aside for that. However, they aren't "selective" about it either as a rule. Move on from her. Take some time to focus on you. Think more deeply about what it is you really want in a relationship (beyond looks) and seek women you find attractive who also have those other qualities and don't let yourself be swayed by a "pretty face". If you focus on that face only, you are still living with a stranger. Well, we all fall in love, But we disregard the danger I have been doing a bit of thinking lately and I reckon the main reason (aside from her looks) I invested too much in this relationship was the comfort factor. I met her at a very stressful period in my life (change of jobs and moving interstate) and she became a source of comfort for me. She told me that she was in therapy for her disorder and assured me that she was well on her way to recovery. I took her word for it and never bothered to check her claim was legit or not. She wasn't very keen on talking about her past relationships. Without giving much details, she said that her last long term partner had narcissistic personality disorder and she was traumatized by that relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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