Is my jealousy justified? What do I do?

[TunaInTheBrine]

I've been seeing someone exclusively for a month now. I am 32 years old and she is 23 years old. I like her a lot, but I worry that she may be a high risk at some point for infidelity due to the following reasons:

 

- In her last (only) LTR, she cheated and never told him. She was unhappy and chose not to talk about it with him, and instead hooked up with a male friend.

 

- She has LOTS of male 'friends'. Not long ago, she went to a movie alone with one of her male friends and saw no conflict about it within our relationship. I had to tell her that it was generally an inappropriate thing to do once you're exclusive with someone. She seemed confused by that.

 

- When we encounter her male friends in public, they exchange what seems to me like very warm hugs. She doesn't introduce me to them at all.

 

- She tells me about the guy at work who teases her and they tickle each other, and sees nothing unusual about that. I don't care if he himself is seeing someone. I think tickling/teasing smacks of flirting.

 

- She says she wants to keep our relationship "separate" from the rest of her life.

 

- She sees no problem walking around my apartment naked when the blinds are open, and if neighbors or passerbys see, "meh *shoulder shrugs*" is what she says. Really? I don't want other people seeing my girlfriend naked!

 

I am paranoid. I am not paranoid with every woman I get with, but certain ones I am, and this is one of them (last time I was paranoid about a girl her age I was with, she DID cheat). I don't believe she intends to cheat at this moment, but I worry she is simply too young and naive, and that at some point it's just going to "happen" - maybe when we're in a rough patch or something just like in her last LTR.

 

She does like me A LOT! She is also a very sweet, kind person. I am confident that right now I have her heart. I am also confident in myself in general, and feel secure about attracting other women in the future if we stop seeing each other. This is not a scarcity mindset for me. I simply fear that I may be at the start of a high-risk investment. I simply don't believe that men and women can be just friends - there is always one person who wants more. When you're committed, I don't feel it's right.

 

What do I do? I have refrained from controlling behavior so far (thank God!), but I can't help but feel some of her behavior is immature and problematic for a relationship.

Edited January 29, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[Timshel]

TunaInTheBrine;6756448 I've been seeing someone exclusively for a month now. I am 32 years old and she is 23 years old. I like her a lot, but I worry that she may be a high risk at some point for infidelity due to the following reasons:

 

- In her last (only) LTR, she cheated and never told him. She was unhappy and chose not to talk about it with him, and instead hooked up with a male friend.

 

Not good.

 

- She has LOTS of male 'friends'. Not long ago, she went to a movie alone with one of her male friends and saw no conflict about it within our relationship. I had to tell her that it was generally an inappropriate thing to do once you're exclusive with someone. She seemed confused by that.

 

Not good and

 

- When we encounter her male friends in public, they exchange what seems to me like very warm hugs. She doesn't introduce me to them at all.

Not good, disrespectful.

 

- She tells me about the guy at work who teases her and they tickle each other, and sees nothing unusual about that. I don't care if he himself is seeing someone. I think tickling/teasing smacks of flirting.

 

Not good or professional and I agree...flirting. wth?

 

- She says she wants to keep our relationship "separate" from the rest of her life.

 

O.k Tuna...what does this tell you? Not good and on which planet will you be kept?

 

- She sees no problem walking around my apartment naked when the blinds are open, and if neighbors or passerbys see, "meh *shoulder shrugs*" is what she says. Really? I don't want other people seeing my girlfriend naked!

 

You will find varied responses to this one I am of the same thoughts as you. I will do flip flops naked for my bf, all else is under wraps. Is she an exhibitionist? Blinds close sooo easily these days. A flick of the wrist.

 

I am paranoid. I am not paranoid with every woman I get with, but certain ones I am, and this is one of them (last time I was paranoid about a girl her age I was with, she DID cheat). I don't believe she intends to cheat at this moment, but I worry she is simply too young and naive, and that at some point it's just going to "happen" - maybe when we're in a rough patch or something just like in her last LTR.

 

You are not being paranoid! All the warning signs are present and you should be on high alert.

 

She does like me A LOT! She is also a very sweet, kind person. I am confident that right now I have her heart. I am also confident in myself in general, and feel secure about attracting other women in the future if we stop seeing each other. This is not a scarcity mindset for me. I simply fear that I may be at the start of a high-risk investment. I simply don't believe that men and women can be just friends - there is always one person who wants more. When you're committed, I don't feel it's right.

 

I agree.

 

What do I do? I have refrained from controlling behavior so far (thank God!), but I can't help but feel some of her behavior is immature and problematic for a relationship.

 

She does seem immature. I am sure that this is a difficult call to make because when you are with her she is just so alluring...am I right?

With the information you have given, I would not in good conscience suggest that this is a safe investment for your heart. She may be sweet but she is in no way ready to have a relationship that is mutually respectful, honest and considerate. Good luck with this one.

[CarrieT]

Sounds like she is too young to be in a relationship with a guy almost a decade older...

 

OP, remember what YOU felt like in your early 20s and how much you changed in the last ten years. She is going to go through the same thing and, during that time, will become a different person.

 

In that regard, she has a lot of growing to do and that will probably involve dating a lot more guys in the process. I wouldn't set your hopes on this one lasting.

[road]

Women play the controlling behavior card whenever their BF/H wants them to put a stop to their inappropriate behavior.

 

 

Dump her.

[TunaInTheBrine]

She has said that she told me about the infidelity in her last LTR because she wanted to be honest with me and because she sees a future with me. I believe her heart is in the right place when she said that. Again though, I think the girl is genuinely naive and not the most self-aware. She has some growing up to do for sure, but she is also special to me. The question I've consistently struggled with is just how far am I willing to go with her 'growing pains' while I already know who I am, what I want, and where I'm going? The answer is that I just don't know. I like her a lot, but I am absolutely terrified of investing my time, energy, and money, into a commitment that just sounds so high risk given her behavior. She, on the other hand, seems absolutely sold on us and is quite smitten with me. I wish I felt as secure as she does!

 

Is there some way to have a discussion with her about all of this? Or do you guys think my only option here is to simply let it go? I feel like she wouldn't be dismissive of my concerns, but that she would feel confused and not sure how to respond. I really believe if I showed her this list I made, she wouldn't think there was a problem with half of the things on there. I think she would apologize and 'try' to do better, but simply doesn't know better right now and will just keep ****ing up...unless she somehow gets a strong reality check and grows up over night.

Edited January 30, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[CarrieT]

She, on the other hand, seems absolutely sold on us and is quite smitten with me. I wish I felt as secure as she does!

Of course she feels secure - she doesn't have the wisdom of maturity (like you do!) to understand what a solid relationship really means.

 

Is there some way to have a discussion with her about all of this?

Honestly, no. Because you are coming from a standpoint of experience and she is coming from youth and ignorance.

 

I think she would apologize and 'try' to do better, but simply doesn't know better right now and will just keep ****ing up...unless she somehow gets a strong reality check and grows up over night.

Bingo. She is not going to grow up over night. What you want from her will take about another six to eight years. The question is do you want to go through that with her and have to pick up the pieces at the end?

[Popsicle]

I think that some people are like this (have many friends of the opposite gender) and some people aren't. You can't put it down to age because some of my friends who are in their 40's still act like this. No one ever changes, but as you become wiser you learn it's just a compatibility issue and learn who you work well with and who you don't.

[lolablue17]

I agree with Popsicle.

 

She isn't immature. She is just different. There is nothing in her behavior that can imply a future cheating, not more than any other girl you will meet. I'm only using other people quotes from this thread: "Maybe you're not mature enough and doesn't have the wisdom to realise which kind of a girl is on the same page with you".

 

I think you're doing wisely when you don't try to control her. Your biggest mistake would be trying to change her.

 

Do you want to hear about greater risks? Here's one. I only guess that you are a mature man with confidence, and at her age, she'd never been with someone like you. Your age difference is part of her attraction to you. It means that part of the lovey dovey she feels could be because she doesn't believe that someone like you is even noticing her. This admiration may pass.

[Darren Steez]

She has said that she told me about the infidelity in her last LTR because she wanted to be honest with me and because she sees a future with me. I believe her heart is in the right place when she said that. Again though, I think the girl is genuinely naive and not the most self-aware. She has some growing up to do for sure, but she is also special to me. The question I've consistently struggled with is just how far am I willing to go with her 'growing pains' while I already know who I am, what I want, and where I'm going? The answer is that I just don't know. I like her a lot, but I am absolutely terrified of investing my time, energy, and money, into a commitment that just sounds so high risk given her behavior. She, on the other hand, seems absolutely sold on us and is quite smitten with me. I wish I felt as secure as she does!

 

Is there some way to have a discussion with her about all of this? Or do you guys think my only option here is to simply let it go? I feel like she wouldn't be dismissive of my concerns, but that she would feel confused and not sure how to respond. I really believe if I showed her this list I made, she wouldn't think there was a problem with half of the things on there. I think she would apologize and 'try' to do better, but simply doesn't know better right now and will just keep ****ing up...unless she somehow gets a strong reality check and grows up over night.

 

Sheesh bro, you've already been disrespected multiple times and just taken it, to deal with it you rationalize her behaviours and chalk it down to her growing pains or whatever else.

 

I don't understand if you're seeing someone and telling them you can see them in their future then go out and not introduce the same person to their friends because you want to keep your lives separate... and you bought that!

[Alamo657]

I've been seeing someone exclusively for a month now. I am 32 years old and she is 23 years old. I like her a lot, but I worry that she may be a high risk at some point for infidelity due to the following reasons:

 

If a woman admitted to cheating with one of her male "friends", then she is a high risk person as far as relationships are concerned.

 

She admitted to you she has very unclear boundaries with the guys she frequent, she is much younger than you, she gets bored in relationships if nothing happened.

 

Unless you can overcome all of this by being such an awesome person that she will never stray or look back, your RS will be doomed .

[Alamo657]

I think that some people are like this (have many friends of the opposite gender) and some people aren't. You can't put it down to age because some of my friends who are in their 40's still act like this. No one ever changes, but as you become wiser you learn it's just a compatibility issue and learn who you work well with and who you don't.

The point is not having friends of the opposite gender, but sleeping with them.

[Chi townD]

Biggest red flags for me is when she told you that she wanted to keep your relationship ad the rest of her life separate. And when she meets up with people she never introduces you to them.

 

 

Most women would be proud to be escorted around on the arm of their man. There proud to exclaim that this guy is my boyfriend. To me, she seems to want to hide this fact from the world.

 

 

Not good dude.

[kgcolonel]

When raising my son, I coined the phrase:

 

50 year old logic doesn't fit in a 20 year old head....in this case, 40 years of experience can't be transferred to a 20 year old's understanding.

 

She is not fully developed emotionally yet, so that will take time. Also I think Lola had a great point in that part of her attraction to you is the maturity and that she is intrigued that you'd show interest in her.

 

Do you know what her relationship with her father is like?

[ExpatInItaly]

Biggest red flags for me is when she told you that she wanted to keep your relationship ad the rest of her life separate. And when she meets up with people she never introduces you to them.

 

 

Most women would be proud to be escorted around on the arm of their man. There proud to exclaim that this guy is my boyfriend. To me, she seems to want to hide this fact from the world.

 

 

Not good dude.

 

This is also what I see as the biggest indication of trouble. She shouldn't be wanting to keep you separate from the rest of her life. Even when I was her age, I was happy and proud to introduce boyfriends to my friends and family. Something is very off with her desire to do the opposite.

 

Sorry, but she is not an ideal candidate for a committed, exclusive relationship.

[smackie9]

She is obviously embarrassed by your age. She is worried her friends will ridicule her for dating an old guy...you just don't fit in to her social circle. IMO she is right....what could you possibly have in common with a 23 year old. You both dig One Direction?

[TunaInTheBrine]

Sheesh bro, you've already been disrespected multiple times and just taken it, to deal with it you rationalize her behaviours and chalk it down to her growing pains or whatever else.

 

I don't understand if you're seeing someone and telling them you can see them in their future then go out and not introduce the same person to their friends because you want to keep your lives separate... and you bought that!

 

It's not rationalization. She is a very naive person and genuinely doesn't see the implications of some of her behaviors. I say this based primarily on how she talks about these situations with me. She doesn't hide them, which I'm glad she doesn't, but I don't think she sees how her behavior is not exactly respectful to our relationship either.

 

I tried to talk about some of these things with her last night. She was quick to apologize and simply say "it won't happen again, I'm sorry; I want to be with you". That's very sweet, but she just seemed like she was trying to please me by saying/doing whatever she thinks I want to hear without really understanding why these things were issues to begin with.

 

Tonight I tried to talk about this again with her more, but same thing happened. The more I tried to get an actual discussion going about it all rather than us just glossing over it, the more emotional and confused she became. She started crying profusely and said she had no idea what I wanted to hear (which is part of the problem in our communication here - that she is speaking based on what she thinks I want to hear and doesn't really know how she feels or why these things may be an issue). She generally has a very difficult time using her words to describe how she feels. She just cried for what seemed like forever, and then got tired and fell asleep! I think she might have a developmental delay disorder.

 

I feel frustrated. She is a super sweet, kind, and affectionate person, but she really is lacking in the area of self-reflection and interpersonal communication. I absolutely need someone who can participate in important relationship discussions with me and has awareness of themselves and others. I do feel awful that she cried so much. At the same time, I am glad I am not just self-silencing and letting these issues grow. I'm glad I'm still keeping my cool when I talk with her about these things. I know what I want; I'm just not sure she can give it to me. It's very sad, because she is very kind and is obviously into me. I am having a very hard time seeing this work long-term the way I would ideally like it to.

Edited January 31, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[Poutrew]

I tried to talk about some of these things with her last night. She was quick to apologize and simply say "it won't happen again, I'm sorry; I want to be with you". That's very sweet, but she just seemed like she was trying to please me by saying/doing whatever she thinks I want to hear without really understanding why these things were issues to begin with.

 

Tonight I tried to talk about this again with her more, but same thing happened. The more I tried to get an actual discussion going about it all rather than us just glossing over it, the more emotional and confused she became. She started crying profusely and said she had no idea what I wanted to hear (which is part of the problem in our communication here - that she is speaking based on what she thinks I want to hear and doesn't really know how she feels or why these things may be an issue). She generally has a very difficult time using her words to describe how she feels. She just cried for what seemed like forever, and then got tired and fell asleep! I think she might have a developmental delay disorder.

 

I feel frustrated. She is a super sweet, kind, and affectionate person, but she really is lacking in the area of self-reflection and interpersonal communication. I absolutely need someone who can participate in important relationship discussions with me and has awareness of themselves and others. I do feel awful that she cried so much. At the same time, I am glad I am not just self-silencing and letting these issues grow. I'm glad I'm still keeping my cool when I talk with her about these things. I know what I want; I'm just not sure she can give it to me. It's very sad, because she is very kind and is obviously into me. I am having a very hard time seeing this work long-term the way I would ideally like it to.

 

Dude, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your girl is retarded. From the way you describe things, she may have both mental and emotional issues. This will never go away. She will always be a simple soul. A child in an adult body. Think of the character Weena in H.G. Well's The Time Machine.

 

Do you really want to be dating an Eloi? Remember, the Morlocks bred them to be food...