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What about the "homewrecker"?


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We all know that the cheater is bad, but what about the one that person cheats with? I don't have any personal experience with this so I don't have anything specific to discuss, just curious. I've heard stories here and there in which people leave the "homewrecker" out of the story.

Is a knowing "homewrecker" just as bad in your opinion? Is that person likely to be a cheater as well? Or are they just as much a victim as the original SO?

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I've been singularly unsuccessful in wrecking anyone's home. Anyone have such success?

 

I do know of a guy who successfully demolished his home instead of letting his exW get it in the divorce.

 

Most of the time, home and hearth belongs to and is preserved by those on the premises and outsiders are repelled with extreme prejudice and deadly force.

 

Perhaps I need to get out more.

 

Oh, you mean married folks who ruin their marriages by having affairs with other people. Yeah, I dealt with that some as a young man. Those feisty young women who neglected to, well, share that a home was involved. They had the crane all set up and then expected me to operate it. Hmm... a couple were pretty convincing but, then again, women can be convincing when they want to, especially with a young dope who's blinded by the cleavage :D

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I, too, have never had any experience with or as "a homewrecker"; I've had little experience with "The Other Woman" in my dating relationships, either.

 

But, no...I do not hold the OW to the same standard as my SO...he's the one that's made a vow of fidelity to me, not her.

 

 

Always cracks me up when I hear of/see stories of women going after other women, 'cuz she's been screwin' *her man*. IF there's gonna be any a**-kicking involved, make it his...NOT hers.

 

 

:p

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Lol

Well you guys know what I mean. The OW or OM.

But I do agree that they aren't necessarily equally to blame. It's a ****ty thing to do, but you're right, they weren't the ones who vowed loyalty.

Do you think they are just as devious though? As in they would do just as bad things, as they are seemingly ok with it? Or are they one of two (or more in some situations I guess) victims in the mess?

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I feel if they are an adult they know right from wrong. If they knowingly get involved with a married person they most certainly are to blame too. Of course a spouse is going to be more concerned with their partner who broke vows they made to them.

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Marriage can be kinda fuzzy in my neck of the woods so it often occurred that women were 'separated' or 'divorcing' or similar words for non-marital circumstances so, sometimes, unfortunately, I became an erstwhile homewrecker where some creativity with the truth was being employed and, unlike now where technology enables verification to build trust, things were more, for lack of a better word, primitive.

 

However, one tactic I used to use was to ensure all of our interactions were quite public and conspicuous, this after getting blindsided a few times. That seemed to work. Also, becoming more sexual earlier helped. However, some women were pretty bold so husbands may have felt wrecked even if there was no intent.

 

Repetition built skills and made sussing out the fakers easier but not perfect. In fact, thinking back, I can't think of one interaction where the lady was like 'hey, I'm looking for an affair, wanna?', rather more like me asking them out to a social occasion or date and it going from there until the wrecking ball fell. Essentially, they let me. Heh, if it wasn't me, it was some other guy.

 

For folks who are having long term and surreptitious relations, yeah, IMO each side is responsible for their actions doing that. IOW, if I was choosing to meet a MW secretly, meaning not openly and conspicuously, socializing as is normal, rather purposely hiding our interactions, then I would be responsible for those actions that were not customary in dating/relationships. If conspicuous and in defiance of their M, responsible for those actions.

 

However, if apportioning responsibility, IMO the married person is the person primarily responsible for wrecking their marriage.

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The "homewrecker" gets a bad press and 50% of the blame, but is that fair?

 

 

IMO no.

 

 

It's important not to make that OW/OM more important than they are. They aren't special, just available. It's not about who they are, it's all about how they make the cheater feel.

 

When my ex was looking to cheat, I was told he was sniffing around quite a few girls at work and asking them for a date. The OW was the only one that said "yes".

 

 

The WS took the vows, not the OW.

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It seems, for the most part, people agree that the OW or OM isn't to blame. But does the OW or OM's actions speak on their morals or beliefs? If they are ok with the cheater cheating with them, do you think they would cheat in exclusive relationships too?

Also, let's branch this out to general exclusive relationships and not just marriages.

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Exclusive relationships are so nebulous. Anyone I dated could've been in an exclusive relationship even if I spent the night with them. If they weren't living with someone, well how the heck could one know for sure? Can't read minds. One thing I learned was, if one sets out to deceive someone who likely knows them better than anyone on the planet, or at least far better than a veritable stranger, that stranger, unless very savvy, is a log into the chipper. They've got no chance. Why? The elements of deception.

 

We see a lot of that stuff discussed here where very experienced people pull details out of experiences and put together a picture of potential infidelity. Is it always accurate? Probably not! Even if so, that's a disinterested third party, who doesn't care one whit about either party, analyzing information. When in the milieu and feeling strong sexual and emotional attraction, we tend to write our own narrative stewed in the emotions of the moment. We like to believe. Sure, as we get older and more cynical, it becomes more clear and less emotional, or can. Hence, the same stuff that sucked me in as a young dopey buck causes me to now sit back and kinda chuckle.

 

Figuring that folks who do this stuff are playing fast and loose with one of the most powerful psychological drives humans have, the drive to reproduce, it's no wonder things can get wrecked along the way. We're imperfect and, yup, sometimes that wrecks things.

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Puller,

 

 

Also, let's branch this out to general exclusive relationships and not just "marriages"

 

 

OK. So we'll talk about committed monogamous relationships?

 

 

I never said the OW/OM wasn't to blame, but they have far less blame than the (supposed) committed partner. They are "low hanging fruit", IMO and should be treated as such.

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What I am more concerned about is how infidelity and cheating is starting to become the "norm" already. Many people do it a lot and I am not sure why..... No one is more to blame here. Both are cheaters, both know that what they are doing is absolutely wrong yet the plunge to it.

 

I don't accept the proposed idea that "humans are not meant to be monogamous" as that is a statement straight from a cheater's mouth. Families left and right are being wrecked by this atrocious behavior. Divorce is rampant, "counselling" is becoming a good career path due to the many clients for this. I don't know. I am starting to believe that the government should do something about this already to condemn this barbaric behavior.

 

I still believe that infidelity and cheaters are somewhat in the minority in the social spectrum, but with all the stories here, and also other stories coming from much more trafficked forum, I am not sure if I am still right....

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RySant,

"What I am more concerned about is how infidelity and cheating is starting to become the "norm" already"

I wouldn't actually agree with that. I just think that it gets talked about more nowadays.

If you watch Soap Operas on TV and read you press then you'd think that just about everyone is running around on the SO. Illicit love affairs, triangulation and broken hearts and vengeful lovers make good press. I don't believe it reflects society at all.

 

 

'I don't accept the proposed idea that "humans are not meant to be monogamous" as that is a statement straight from a cheater's mouth.'

 

 

I'm with you 100% on that one !

There are enough different lifestyles available to suit everyone, but people should be honest about what they want.

 

 

"I am starting to believe that the government should do something about this already to condemn this barbaric behaviour." Well, some wronged BS's would like to see their cheating WS hung up by their thumbs or boiled in oil, but in a civilised society you can't legislate on moral issues.

 

 

Under Sharia Law people are stoned to death for adultery and you can be hanged for being gay. Surely you can't think that that is right?

 

 

Who knows how many people cheat? As cheats are liars as well you can't believe any survey on the subject!

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"I am starting to believe that the government should do something about this already to condemn this barbaric behaviour." Well, some wronged BS's would like to see their cheating WS hung up by their thumbs or boiled in oil, but in a civilised society you can't legislate on moral issues.

 

 

Under Sharia Law people are stoned to death for adultery and you can be hanged for being gay. Surely you can't think that that is right?

 

 

Who knows how many people cheat? As cheats are liars as well you can't believe any survey on the subject!

 

Actually, I am more on the "Awareness" not really imposing Capital Punishment immediately. I mean, bullying have an awareness campaign already. Maybe something that promotes "Family Values," "Family as a strong foundation" etc. etc. I think because the media is already glamorizing the "Infidelity" stories, coupled with interest in Hollywood life, people are forgetting the morals and values that we have. I still believe Family is the strong basic unit of our society, and the government should impose more on that one, give more awareness, education... anything that will impose our values once again.

 

Being liberal is good, but I guess, if abused, this is what we get.

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To me a homewrecker is a person who deliberately sets out to interfere with another's relationship. The unwitting / unknowing partner of a cheater is not a homewrecker, until they find out the person they were seeing was not truly free to see them.

 

 

Neither are great so what difference does it make which one is worse? It's like asking whether the murderer who uses a knife is worse then one who uses poison or a gun.

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Depends on the person,

If the "Homewrecker" is a "friend" or relative of the betrayed and knew them than they have some degree of culpability.

 

In my case it was my best friend since childhood and my fiance so the consequence was commensurate with the time I'd known him. Catching him in my bed with her I didn't have to search the world over for him. It was a lot shorter distance than it was to the Trauma center which was his next destination. My case was an extreme example, so I simply have that experience to draw from.

 

If the person is a complete stranger to the betrayed, the only real culpability is in how much they knew, or if they even knew at all that there was a significant other, or spouse. Sometimes they are under the impression that the cheater is split up or in the process of being split up from the betrayed. It is not beyond the realm of possibility for the cheater to lie to their affair partner as well.

 

If they did, then their is some degree of culpability, but overall in a veritable stranger situation like that it could have been anyone. Ultimately it is the Cheater themselves who made the decision, thus the Lion's share of the responsibility falls on them.

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I know someone who, in her past, only dating married men. Not because future commitment was unlikely, but she had self esteem issues. Dating married men empowered her, gave her an ego boost, it made her feel special that a man was willing to cheat on his wife for her. It was like an addiction ....getting jacked up on dopamine.

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In my case it was my best friend since childhood and my fiance so the consequence was commensurate with the time I'd known him. Catching him in my bed with her I didn't have to search the world over for him. It was a lot shorter distance than it was to the Trauma center which was his next destination. My case was an extreme example, so I simply have that experience to draw from.

 

Fudge! :'O Talk about Double whammy. OMGosh. I am sorry to hear this, Space Ritual. That's a horrible,sick situation to be in!

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I was the OM/"Homewrecker". The married woman with whom I had a relationship had been my friend for about 2 years prior. One night we hung out with friends and when we were alone she kissed me and asked me to take her to my place. I said no and that she had 3 wonderful kids and a husband.

 

Just that kiss tore me up with guilt. After not sleeping at all that night, I texted her the next morning about how guilty I felt. She said "Don't be. I'm not." And in the coming months she pushed and pushed me to start a relationship. I kept saying no, and eventually she gave me the silent treatment for two whole weeks, like a spoiled child. Like, she would literally walk in the room, greet each person by name EXCEPT me and then walk out. I should have left it at that and quit. Since we had been friends already, I tried to get her to talk to me and not be so sore about it. She told me her marriage was over a long time ago and she was planning on getting a divorce. Her friends told me to go for it, and that her husband was a jerk. Well, that combined with temptation combined with me not sticking to my boundaries wound up becoming an affair. Her husband caught us making out one night and the police got involved and actually arrested HIM.

 

I felt horrible, and almost ended it right there. But she knew just what to say to get me to stay. I guess he had been cheating on her, too - there was actually numerous times they cheated on each other. I was so confused and the guilt carried with me throughout the 2.5 years we were together. She'd get mad at me for feeling guilty. Her own teenage kids were telling me not to feel guilty. But I did. I wound up on meds from depression because of what I'd been a part of.

 

She actually did divorce him. However, with her drinking and her shady behavior during our relationship for the next 2+ years, I was not only feeling overwhelmingly guilty still, but increasingly paranoid. A lot of people say a woman's past is her past. I call BS on that. Someone's past can be VERY indicative of her present and future behavior. And her past behavior was VERY sketchy.

 

I wish I could go back and not have been out with her that night she first kissed me. Maybe it would have been different. I made such a big mistake and even after leaving her 4 months ago I still feel so guilty. I've almost wanted to kill myself to escape this feeling. While the home was already "wrecked", so to speak, I had a part in something that caused a lot of pain, and that wasn't me at all. And I'm so sorry for it. Now I'm left with a huge hole in my life. Her kids looked up to and respected me. I loved them AND her. And I had to walk away from it all. Sometimes I think "If she just hadn't been so selfish and WAITED until after her divorce like I asked, maybe it would have been different". I don't know. But now I'm in therapy and will possibly go on meds again this week. How could I love someone like that? How could I let someone manipulate me like that?

Edited by Seymore
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Her husband caught us making out one night and the police got involved and actually arrested HIM.

 

Yeah I know how that feels. Cost me 4 years of my freedom.

 

Just realize none of that was a mistake. You made a conscious choice. Same way I did.

Edited by Space Ritual
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Oh, it was a mistake. A mistake is defined as an action or judgment that is wrong. And I accept my end of responsibility, in case my post wasn't clear enough in that. It was a terrible decision.

4 years? What was your story?

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dreamingoftigers
It seems, for the most part, people agree that the OW or OM isn't to blame. But does the OW or OM's actions speak on their morals or beliefs? If they are ok with the cheater cheating with them, do you think they would cheat in exclusive relationships too?

Also, let's branch this out to general exclusive relationships and not just marriages.

 

I find the whole idea quite repugnant.

 

There are however, a fair spectrum of OW/OM.

 

Those who aren't aware that they are the OW/OM. (I hold them blameless, MM/MW are often VERY manipulative)

 

To those that believe MM/MW are "separated"

 

Then things go a darker shade of grey:

 

Those who are told "oh I'm just leaving him/her and then we'll be together."

 

To the "you knew what this was" type who go out of their way to actually try to home wreck.

 

My father's mistress, for instance, knew exactly who my mother was, exactly that she had two disabled children. Under her care, was present in my father's home office for less than a week and outright let him know it would be a good time with her. In less than four months, she outright skewered my mother's character and was pushing for my father to take his fortune and go to the Philippines with her to get married. After he bought her a car. :rolleyes:

 

This was something she even felt bold enough to tell me.

 

Because both she and my father were idiots. Frankly. She also let me know that my mother was a "Lazy Princess."

 

I let her know that my father contracted herpes ten years prior and that he had already infected one other woman with it and my Mom, so she might want to get that checked out. (I was, well, really not impressed with this woman in any way, and I didn't want her thinking she was something super-special, so yeah I made that completely up and told her that. I hope it freaked her out for a couple of weeks. She looked pretty concerned about it.)

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Oh, it was a mistake. A mistake is defined as an action or judgment that is wrong. And I accept my end of responsibility, in case my post wasn't clear enough in that. It was a terrible decision.

4 years? What was your story?

 

Walked in on them in my house 3 weeks before my wedding, put both of them in the hospital, I paid for it in spades. That's the story.

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Don't be. I could have easily turned around , walked out and not made it physical. That was my choice to do so. My choice led to 2 people I loved dearly being seriously injured and I deserved everything I got. Nobody's fault but mine.

 

That is also a scary part of things like infidelity. People never know how they are going to react until it happens to them. That Fight or Flight syndrome kicks in and we tend to do one or the other. In almost any other situation I would have chosen flight. The one time I didn't had disastrous consequences.

 

I had no prior knowledge nor had any idea anything was going on previously to my discovery. In a lot of cases, especially now, with how people communicate with apps, or via internet, there is a window of opportunity for people to be more suspicious of their S.O. or spouse because electronic media has changed how we interact. My situation was almost 30 years ago so I really had no suspicion whatsoever.

 

I do think because of electronic media and the instant gratification and stimulation that it provides people, that the dynamic of infidelity has changed somewhat. The end results tend to be the same but the whole exercise in and of itself has evolved. I think in many cases that electronic media is an easy vehicle to use for infidelity purposes. It's easy to keep something going via text or cell phone when you can put a password on it and cling to it like Grim Death. I also think that the Rush factor associated with it in the modern day is totally different as well. Just my opinion of course, but I think it's far easier to carry on affairs now than it ever was in the past.

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I meant I'm sorry that you got cheated on like that. THAT was not your decision. The decision to attack them, I'm sure many would back you up on that, but that's the thing - people don't know how they'd react until it happens to them. In a sense it goes both ways.

 

Not excusing my own actions, but I tend to wonder how many people could stay strong and not cave when their own boundaries aren't working, and they've got not only the cheater in their ear saying it's fine, but the cheater's friends and one or two of the OM/OW's own "friends" saying "Hey, it's over between them anyway. Go for it." Temptation can be a real b***h.

 

Both of us made bad choices, in very different ways. And we certainly got what was coming to us.

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