MoreAmore Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 CURRENT POST I haven't for a long time but because of an abnormality of behavior (He told me I must not be friends with a certain person, when he has never told me what to do outside the bedroom ever. He's never even said no to me.) and because a friend's husband cheated and put her at risk for HIV and that scared me, I logged in to my boyfriend's accounts. (I have his permission to do so any time I please.) There was a message from a person (a beautiful 23 year old young woman) asking if she can come by and see him for a little bit at lunch to pick his brain about a paper she is writing about a topic for which he has recognized expertise. ...And older messages, a year and a half old, where they talk about sleeping together and he says he's interested in dating her, and she says she really just wants to have fun together, and nothing really between the two. When we talk, I ask, "How has your day been?" and he says No. I say "anything interesting?" No. "Nothing unusual happen today?" he says, alas- no. I tell him, "I dislike when you don't tell me things. It makes me assume the worse." He doesn't know what I'm talking about, and demands I tell him. I talk to my best friend (male) about my concerns that he's keeping multiple things secret and doesn't want to say because he doesn't want to confess to the wrong thing, but point out he has been very honest lately after an early pattern of lying**. My friend says that's a real concern, but I told him anyways. He says that he didn't even think of it at all because it was so long ago and there was no flirtation, and they only messed around a handful of times, and she just needed help with this paper on his topic of expertise and was gone within fifteen minutes. He suggested my friend have ulterior motives if he said that it was at all unusual someone would not mention it. I messaged two straight female friends, and they said the exact same thing as my straight guy friend, though. My guy said one of them is stupid and the other is crazy and has never dated anyone more than two months. He then said that in retrospect he could see how it would seem weird, but there was nothing behind it and that's why he didn't think about it. He said if there had even been flirtation he would have told me. SO. Is that normal to not even think to mention that? I've never gotten angry at anything he has told me. I've only ever got angry when he's lied to me or concealed things from me. ***History of lying: about how much weed he was buying, how often he was drinking, his ex wife begging to get him back, people making moves on him, etc. Until I broke up with him when he lied about something I didn't even care about at all and wouldn't confess even when I offered a get out of jail free card to tell him to tell me the truth. When I agreed not to break up with him, he promised radical honesty. That is, tell me everything even if he thinks it might get him in trouble or thinks it's no big deal. He has since then told me many times about men and women flirting or soliciting him for sex, (He is good looking, and he gets approached as a man as much as I do as a woman and often more blatantly.) -- including an ex affair partner who made it clear she wanted him and that I would never know-- and he made it clear to her (I saw) that he loves me and wants to marry me and that she should NEVER proposition him again. She was actually a bit nasty about it. He's told me every time he's gone drinking or bought weed and has cut back A LOT. He is very obvious everywhere and to everyone that he is with me. He acts proud to be with me at all times. He puts up with any of my insanity and assures me he wouldn't ever do anything to risk me because I'm "nicer" than anyone else he has ever dated. He has cheated in two previous relationships but never on me. Feel free to say I'm crazy, or that he should have said something. I'm not looking for reassuring or reinforcement. I'm just curious at perspectives. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 (edited) So call me crazy but you point out all this lying and then make the claim he has never cheated on you. You know this..how? Especially since he has a history of cheating. It just seems bizarre, unless you literally lowjacked him and know where he is at all times, that you would think he'd be lying to you about all this and cheating on past girls, but with you he wouldn't because he tells you that you are nicer then anyone else. Can I ask how old you are? Also you have a male best friend so I can already see this won't end well. You confide in this man and you apparently ask this other man for relationship advice. Again: this won't end well. Is this the same person your boyfriend wants you not being friends with? Or is this another male friend? Edited November 20, 2015 by Spectre Link to post Share on other sites
Author MoreAmore Posted November 21, 2015 Author Share Posted November 21, 2015 So call me crazy but you point out all this lying and then make the claim he has never cheated on you. You know this..how? Especially since he has a history of cheating. It just seems bizarre, unless you literally lowjacked him and know where he is at all times, that you would think he'd be lying to you about all this and cheating on past girls, but with you he wouldn't because he tells you that you are nicer then anyone else. Can I ask how old you are? Also you have a male best friend so I can already see this won't end well. You confide in this man and you apparently ask this other man for relationship advice. Again: this won't end well. Is this the same person your boyfriend wants you not being friends with? Or is this another male friend? I'm 31. He is 41. We've both been married before. My male best friend from childhood (my cousin's stepbrother) has never been an issue. No, it's a female he doesn't want me being friends with. He has been transparently honest with me after that stuff very early in our relationship. This is the first thing I've had questions about. We have been living together the last couple months and he never hides anything. He has told me everything for months, as I mentioned even the stuff he used to hide for embarrassment. That's why I don't know he's lying even with history. This is the first thing I was unsure about in a long time. I forgave him for previous things so that's only context. But I am asking about the situation at hand. Is it something most would mention, or most wouldn't think about? He does regularly have people stop by his office to ask for similar. He said he didn't even think of there being a past. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MoreAmore Posted November 21, 2015 Author Share Posted November 21, 2015 I will say I've learned the women he cheated on we're actually abusive to him. Not that it is okay, but I've been told by random people (his family, a coworker that turned out knew him before, his friends) how those girls would berate him near constantly. in public. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 He has cheated in two previous relationships but never on me. Said EVERY single betrayed wife/girlfriend when they found out how very wrong they were. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Staying on point, if a x asked me to do something related to the workplace, I am not sure I would "report" that. If there was additional contact, probaly so. In regards to his old emails, assuming you 2 were not together, so what. You probaly have the same info in some of your old emails. Over time, a SO will show you who they really are. It appears, he has come towards you, became more trusting and trustworhty, cleaned up his addictions and probaly didnt give the request from the X any level of importance. Instead of tearing this down, look at what you really have and expand on it. If you need to know when any X contacts him, let him no without malice. Go for a walk with him and have a soft conversation. Dont forget to say that you appreciate the positvie changes he has made. Not all LS stories are dirty. Happy Holidays 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 You have access to his emails. He's not hiding that and the request for assistance seems genuine. Just part of his day and probably no big deal worth mentioning. His previous escapades with this woman were before you and him.... just leave it at that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 OP I suggest you and him have further discussion on as to what led him to cheat on those exes and what makes it different with you. Ask him would he cheat if you both hit a rough patch...that is his answer to how he copes with rough times in a relationship. You have every right to be concerned, and this "because you are nicer" is a pretty weak explanation. I understand you are trying to find answers through friends and posting on here, BUT the only way to get this straightened out is through having open discussion with your BF. If you he makes it difficult, then your answer is right in front of you, that he can't be trusted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 I will say I've learned the women he cheated on we're actually abusive to him. Not that it is okay, but I've been told by random people (his family, a coworker that turned out knew him before, his friends) how those girls would berate him near constantly. in public. I would seek confirmation on this though witnesses. BTW cheating because of this is no excuse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MoreAmore Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 I would seek confirmation on this though witnesses. BTW cheating because of this is no excuse. I need witnesses to the witnesses? This is not just from him. His mother and sister expounded at length, among others. He didn't ever say it like that; he thought that was "normal" I guess until I never insult him. (Honestly I've put him through more than anyone else I've dated; I guess that's why he think nothing weird of my jealousy/behavior because it's still better; though I still want to improve because it's not who I am. Obviously I accepted his past that he was honest about when I had no way of knowing. He says that things were really rough, and the first time it was kind of like... He felt trapped and was young and no one seemed hurt for it. The second time he got found out and he saw the devastation and that's why he wouldn't again. He admits he has had troubleleaving unhappy relationships. He says with as clear as I am about how I feel about it or him staying if he isn't happy that he would never lie to me. He has had relationships where he never cheated, as well. Thank you to the on topic responses. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Staying on point, if a x asked me to do something related to the workplace, I am not sure I would "report" that. If there was additional contact, probaly so. In regards to his old emails, assuming you 2 were not together, so what. You probaly have the same info in some of your old emails. Over time, a SO will show you who they really are. It appears, he has come towards you, became more trusting and trustworhty, cleaned up his addictions and probaly didnt give the request from the X any level of importance. Instead of tearing this down, look at what you really have and expand on it. If you need to know when any X contacts him, let him no without malice. Go for a walk with him and have a soft conversation. Dont forget to say that you appreciate the positvie changes he has made. Not all LS stories are dirty. Happy Holidays Any contact should be reported. An ex is an ex for a reason, maybe you don't feel it is worth reporting but then that isn't up to you, it's about what your partner feels they need to know. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 OP I don't think you've cause for concern. Now he knows the devastation of cheating, although when I see those once betrayed becoming cheaters.. I do wonder. With him always getting hit on....he needs to be strong and that's what would worry me. When some fluzzy flings herself at him..... how will he react? If he can avoid being in those situations and not getting too friendly with women The comments for then it's all good Link to post Share on other sites
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