Toxic Relationship

[Msoul]

I am a twenty year old girl who has been in a long term relationship with a boyfriend for about three years. He actually dumped me on Monday but I need to gain some perspective on the situation. The first year like most people can relate to , was nothing short of wonderful. i wasn't initially attracted to him but decided to give him a chance because he seemed nice to me. When I went off to college he came to see me often for the first year but at the start of my second year he became busier than usual and stopped putting in as much effort. I vocalized my concern to him and he responded by breaking up with me and not coming to see me further. He would break up with me weekly and monthly only to call a few days later and apoligize , I took him back each time. I had sense that the four-five months that he was doing this that something deeper was going on. He started having a complete disregard for my feelings and got very comfertable with seeing me cry and would have no reaction. A few months later, I found out that he was cheating on me with some girl that he had met on a dating site. They were speaking, sending nudes, saying I love you all of those months that he was with me and breaking up with me. When she moved out to where we live is when they took their relationship physical and had sex multiple times. when I found out about it , he begged me for a second chance and broke things off with her. I knew that I shouldn't have been in the relationship but I grew very confused. We stayed together except he kept breaking up with me on and off every time I mentioned him cheating on me. He blamed me for the cheating and said I was annoying and told me that I needed to get over it or else he was going to break up with me. For a long time I needed to hide my feelings from him because I still felt really hurt about it. I kept taking him back every time he would break things off and things just got worse. He began to tell me that he doesn't care about me and that if I was to walk then he wouldn't care and he would find someone else. I have tried everything to make him happy ! I pay for most of the things we do in the relationship and always put in the most effort. He broke up with me recently because I made him a pasta dish while he was sleeping and when I brought it to him I thought he should have said Thank you but he didn't. I pressed the issue because I thought it was rude in which he responded that he feels like hes being forced into being in a relationship and the only reason he is in it is to make me happy which is complete B.S. to me since he is always the one that comes back and contacts me first. He tried to change his decision last minute and said that he would continue to be in the relationship with me to make me happy. I told him to stick to his decision and I ended up just blocking his number. It was really exhausting begging him and being blamed for everything in the relationship. He said I complained about him too much but I think I was just vocalizing what I didn't like and what I wanted to change since he was so disrespectful to me. I feel like walking away was the best decision because it's not like me to beg a man to stay with me but at the same time I feel super confused and sometimes feel like I was in the wrong or like I am crazy. There have been a lot of people who have told me that I was being emotionally abused and that is why I feel like everything is my fault but I am not sure. Everyone keeps telling me also that he will be back pretty soon and I am not sure what to do about that either. I know it is selfish but there is apart of me that wants him to get some kind of karma for everything that he has done to me. I want him to realize that he lost something good. If you can just give me some insight on my situation and help me understand whether I am at fault , that would be great. Thank you so much !

[PaperCrane]

Sweetheart, you need to just walk away from this one. Nail the door shut and burn the bridge that leads to it.

 

He's abusive and manipulative and nothing you will do can change him or show him he is wrong.

 

The best thing you can do is things for yourself.

 

Get out of there and stay away, forever.

[GorillaTheater]

I am a twenty year old girl who has been in a long term relationship with a boyfriend for about three years. He actually dumped me on Monday but I need to gain some perspective on the situation. The first year like most people can relate to , was nothing short of wonderful. i wasn't initially attracted to him but decided to give him a chance because he seemed nice to me. When I went off to college he came to see me often for the first year but at the start of my second year he became busier than usual and stopped putting in as much effort. I vocalized my concern to him and he responded by breaking up with me and not coming to see me further. He would break up with me weekly and monthly only to call a few days later and apoligize , I took him back each time. I had sense that the four-five months that he was doing this that something deeper was going on. He started having a complete disregard for my feelings and got very comfertable with seeing me cry and would have no reaction. A few months later, I found out that he was cheating on me with some girl that he had met on a dating site. They were speaking, sending nudes, saying I love you all of those months that he was with me and breaking up with me. When she moved out to where we live is when they took their relationship physical and had sex multiple times. when I found out about it , he begged me for a second chance and broke things off with her. I knew that I shouldn't have been in the relationship but I grew very confused. We stayed together except he kept breaking up with me on and off every time I mentioned him cheating on me. He blamed me for the cheating and said I was annoying and told me that I needed to get over it or else he was going to break up with me. For a long time I needed to hide my feelings from him because I still felt really hurt about it. I kept taking him back every time he would break things off and things just got worse. He began to tell me that he doesn't care about me and that if I was to walk then he wouldn't care and he would find someone else. I have tried everything to make him happy ! I pay for most of the things we do in the relationship and always put in the most effort. He broke up with me recently because I made him a pasta dish while he was sleeping and when I brought it to him I thought he should have said Thank you but he didn't. I pressed the issue because I thought it was rude in which he responded that he feels like hes being forced into being in a relationship and the only reason he is in it is to make me happy which is complete B.S. to me since he is always the one that comes back and contacts me first. He tried to change his decision last minute and said that he would continue to be in the relationship with me to make me happy. I told him to stick to his decision and I ended up just blocking his number. It was really exhausting begging him and being blamed for everything in the relationship. He said I complained about him too much but I think I was just vocalizing what I didn't like and what I wanted to change since he was so disrespectful to me. I feel like walking away was the best decision because it's not like me to beg a man to stay with me but at the same time I feel super confused and sometimes feel like I was in the wrong or like I am crazy. There have been a lot of people who have told me that I was being emotionally abused and that is why I feel like everything is my fault but I am not sure. Everyone keeps telling me also that he will be back pretty soon and I am not sure what to do about that either. I know it is selfish but there is apart of me that wants him to get some kind of karma for everything that he has done to me. I want him to realize that he lost something good. If you can just give me some insight on my situation and help me understand whether I am at fault , that would be great. Thank you so much !

 

I high- lighted some stuff that jumped out at me. Jesus.

 

Good for you for finally taking a stand and not playing his game any more. F*ck this douche rocket; you're well rid of him.

 

And yeah, it's a little troubling that you have any doubts about whether you did the right thing. This guy apparently did a number on your head. But it's well past time to kick this guy out of your head and your life for good.

[siankat]

It wouldn't be expected that you have much experience in how you are in relationships but both parties have a big part to play in the dynamic, even if you were on the worse end of things. As you have already set the tone of being the one who gives more and puts up with a lot for no good reason from what i can see, it would be good for you in the future to be mindful of this and not make it a lifelong pattern.

About what i can gather from this relationship, it started out with you having the power so to speak and then he took his investment away which i am not sure was genuine after the first year, and then you proceeded to accept less and less from him but still remain involved.

Focus on yourself. It's hard to magic up if you don't feel it but it is never to late to benefit from learning to love yourself first. It usually involved drawing respectful boundaries

[Msoul]

Thank you for your response ! Actually I usually have an over whelming sense of self worth. I will admit that this is my first relationship that I had my heart invested in. It was a really confusing time for me because I never expected him to do something along the lines of cheating. I saw someone that at the time I thought was worth it and decided to give another chance. I believe in people for the most part. After that , the situation was hard to control and manage. Maybe I should have left a long time ago. I know now that his cheating was the opportunity for me to do so. What made matters worse is that he would give me a good two weeks of really being nice , giving me the hope that I need to stay and then act very cruel once I complained or made him angry. The honeymoon phase would go flying out the window and I always was the one to blame. I should have stopped it a long time ago , you are right about that , but after a while of all of this I found it really hard to identify what the source of the problem was. Whether it was me being too nagging and needy , or whether it was him being cruel. I didn't know, sometimes I still dont know

[Qboro90]

Wow.... Honestly I feel terrible for you. You've been emotionally abused for the last 3 years and it's happened with the first guy you've ever dated so I'm sure it's instilled in you the belief that this behavior and treatment in a relationship is normal. It is NOT. Your BF manipulated you, used you, disrespected you, cheated on you, cheated on you again and again... I mean the list goes on and on and on.

 

I understand that you're young and want to give people second chances and believe the best in them but for goodness sake.... After you found out the first time he was cheating on you. That's all you need to know. It's over. You're away at college. Please go socialize and meet new people so that you can see that there are guys out there who are a million times better for you than your ex scumbag BF.

 

You need to work on building up your own self confidence and value. You started your post by saying that you didn't even really like your ex when you started dating but decided to give it a shot because he was nice to you.... Dating a guy just because he's nice to you is sry to say... Absurd.

 

Find the ability to be happy on your own and develop goals for yourself that you can devote your time to. Surround yourself and make some girlfriends while at school to socialize. You're stil living as a 17 year old with how you think. I literally did not read one positive thought or feeling that you had to say about your ex during your post. What did he do that made you a better person? Made your life better? Made you happy? Because it seems like you spent a lot of time crying an being a doormat, and he spent a lot of time insulting you, cheating on you, and overall using you with no consequences for anything he did.

 

It will NEVER work out with your ex. I don't even know why you would even want to think about let alone see that kid ever again with all he put you through. Please do not fall for his future attempts to reconcile. No matter how much he apologizes or how convincing he makes it seem like he's changed. He's just mastered the ability to make you believe what he wants you to believe. Time to grab hold of your life and leave that disgusting part of your past behind.

 

For future reference, never let a guy back into your life after he's cheated on you. It just in stills the fact that you will eventually forgive them and take them back with 0 consequences if they apologize enough and sound legit. It's all fake.

 

If you're at college I would strongly advise looking into the schools health services center. They definitely have a counseling section (free of charge) where you can meet and talk with someone who can give you better advice about how you view yourself and what standards you need to have for the people you date and invite into your life going forward.

[Msoul]

It such a complex yet simple situation to understand. Like the toll it has done on my mind , i hope is able to be reversed. I see how much damage the relationship has caused. He would probably argue that I nagged too much, that I was crazy, and controlling and really insecure. Sometimes I agree with him and other times I feel as if these issues are a result of constantly being betrayed. I mean when you are constantly being lied too , and there is always another part of the story that you don't seem to know about you tend to go into defense mode. I did feel really crazy because I would try and prevent him cheating on me again with keeping tabs on him and I did feel really insecure. I am not trying to make excuses for myself , I know that behavior isn't healthy but I also didn't pull it out of my ass yet sometimes I feel like I was to blame for the end of the relationship. I wasn't intentionally picking out things I saw was wrong with him and complaining , I was trying to keep that part of me that vocalizes when things are wrong. I mean I always had this overwealming gut feeling that something was wrong and that he was doing something and I know it couldn't have just been for nothing. Whenever I would tell him I was feeling this way and to tell me what was going on he would get really upset and tell me to control my mind and fix myself and my insecurities. He thought that it was a waste of time and money for him to be in the relationship if I wasn't going to get over him cheating on me. And even though I know all of these things , sometimes I still feel concerned with the fact that he thinks everything is my fault. His friends even believe that I am crazy and insecure and at fault here. I just don't understand why bad people get away with hurting others and never have to realize what they did wrong or what good things that they lost in their lives. If I felt like I did something wrong I would apoligize, sometimes I would say sorry for things that were not even my fault. It is just really confusing to me considering that I feel like I am right and not at fault for this however , he will say that he was right and tried really hard to make it work. Also , the fact that he always says to me that he gave me sooo many chances drives me insane! I have never cheated on him or hurt him so I don't understand what chances he is referring too ! Maybe he believes that him coming back all this time was him giving me another chance ! but each time he broke up with me for not being completely trusting of him and I do not see how that is my fault.

 

I need to be prepared for when he does show up in my life again because from the advice of my family, friends, and strangers it seems like there is a certain confidence that he will try to come back into the relationship at some point. I hope and pray I can say no this time !

[Poutrew]

You made this jerk pasta and he broke up with you over it? If I had a GF who left me a nice pasta dish to eat when I woke up, I'd marry her on the spot. Seriously, the multiple break-ups, the cheating and having sex with other women, well, you if took him back more than once, you needn't have bothered. But, that's what dating is for - to find out if you can live with this other person because no one can hide his warts for long, ya' know? You dodged a bullet with this one. That's how we gain experience... Live, Love, and Learn.