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My girlfriend is jealous of me and my friend


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Hi, this is my first time posting, so bear with me.

 

I'm in a pretty serious relationship, going on over a year now. I'm 20, she's 19 and we are both in college. I love her very much and she says she loves me as well, and we have plans to move in together. I feel she is my soulmate as I've never felt this way about a girl before, and we get along great and hardly ever argue. About a week ago, however, I noticed the first serious friction between us.

 

She started asking me a lot of questions about this good female friend of mine, Kayla, that I've been good friends with for a long time, and acting really jealous. I assured her that she is only a friend, nothing more, but for some strange reason she doesn't seem to trust me. She has even been calling me a lot lately and asking me what I'm doing in a very inquisitive and prying way. The other day she even got really angry just because I told her I was with this girl and some of our friends having lunch. I told her we weren't alone and some of our other friends were there, but she was still really suspicious even though she knows I would never lie to her.

 

I'm not sure why she's acting like this. She has been prying me for more details about the two of us, but I don't feel comfortable yet sharing everything with her. We are very close but I don't think either of us is expecting to know all the sordid details of our pasts.

 

Another problem is I think she's been snooping, otherwise she couldn't have known so much about Kayla. I have two fb accounts, with separate friends on each, and they are on separate accounts. I think she got on my laptop when it was unlocked, and this kind of pisses me off. But I won't confront her since I don't have proof, however I have changed my laptop to immediately auto-lock now.

 

The background on me and Kayla is that we worked together throughout most of high school, and we became like best friends. We both were asst managers and we grew really close running the place together. After high school, we both picked the same college and major, so naturally we stayed in touch and sometimes went out for lunch or a few drinks. During our first year, she started seeing some guy, and this past year, I met my gf. We were both very happy for each other since it was the first real relationship for both of us.

 

I'm certain that there is nothing but friendship between me and Kayla. I know this because before I was with my gf we used to flirt a lot, but since then I've been acting more like a friend and have not flirted as much. What is the best way to handle this? I'm going out with her tomorrow night, so I really don't want this to turn into a big argument.

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mystikmind2005
I don't feel comfortable yet sharing everything with her.

 

I spotted your problem... This above part doesn't fit with someone in love and thinks their partner is a 'soulmate'.

 

The problem is you.

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Ask her why she doesn't trust you. It's never a good sign when one partner does not trust the other. Do you think you have done anything to give her a reason to doubt you? Perhaps she found the other fb account when searching your name and instead of asking you she decided to snoop. all of this is speculation until you ask her.

From my experience, asking can lead to an argument so try to be sensitive about the topic.. ask her if you might have done something or if something was done in her past. Then tell her it is not ok to snoop.. without probable cause (lol).

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I spotted your problem... This above part doesn't fit with someone in love and thinks their partner is a 'soulmate'.

 

The problem is you.

 

agree, if you're moving in and in love she should know about your facebooks and kayla and stuff. i mean you're about to share your life together if you move in (it'll be hard not to, even though you're not married).

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Coming from a guy who ' had ' plenty of female friends , its your issue , not your girlfriend's. You will begin to lose girlfriends if you dont maintain distance between you and your female friends.

 

You say that you used to flirt with your friend before girlfriend came into picture. Bet my life on it, your girlfriend can see it even if you dont flirt any more. If not you , your friend definately gives out vibes of being closer to you then gf. which you yourself have accepted.

 

This friction will continue if you dont take action.You are the problem, not her.If you throw it in her face, she will resent you and boom ! Your soulmate is gone.

 

You need to become trustworthy for her to trust you.

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There are recent threads on ' dating ' forum on similar topic. Read them.

 

Unfortunately, its not something you would like to hear but yes, the problem is you and your friend .Your girlfriend is not jealous.She is not being snoopy etc. If its right under nose, she is choosing not to ignore the glaring red flags ( smart of her ) and get in a messy situation. We all want love, not drama.

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Thanks for the replies. Any POV is greatly appreciated.

 

I understand what some of you are saying, but I feel it would be going to fast if I just threw out our entire history all at once. The subject of past flings has already come up and she didn't offer many details nor did she pry me for any. I just think it would be best to just not say anything more about Kayla unless my gf asks again.

 

As far as her snooping, yes I know that it isn't good and I really feel violated about it, but like you say, I know how easy this can lead to an argument so I've decided not to confront her on this. I'm just going to take care of the problem "technically" by preventing her from being able to do it again.

 

The trust issue and "throwing it in her face" is something I don't understand. Kayla and I are just good friends who go way back. There were a few times back in high school when it got as far as feeling out, but that's as far as it ever went and both of us have no desire to do that again. We both decided we were not compatible as boyfriend-girlfriend but we decided to continue our friendship. There is no reason for her not to trust me and I don't feel like I'm guilty of anything. Of course I would feel guilty if I did that now because I have a gf. If my gf had a sexual partner before we got together I wouldn't care because she wasn't with me then. I would understand it was consensual and she was single.

 

I also can't understand why she should see any red flags or drama here. I would completely understand if my gf had a friend that she maybe was kind of close with way back in high school. I would understand that that was two years ago and not hold it against her. I might be a little jealous, sure, but I certainly wouldn't go on her laptop perusing through her fb accounts.

 

I think the issue is that my gf thinks Kayla is some kind of threat. I know she isn't, but for some reason my gf has gotten the wrong impression that she is. Somehow I have to find a way to convince her and stop her irritating jealously, because it's really getting toxic to our relationship.

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mystikmind2005
Thanks for the replies. Any POV is greatly appreciated.

 

I understand what some of you are saying, but I feel it would be going to fast if I just threw out our entire history all at once. The subject of past flings has already come up and she didn't offer many details nor did she pry me for any. I just think it would be best to just not say anything more about Kayla unless my gf asks again.

 

As far as her snooping, yes I know that it isn't good and I really feel violated about it, but like you say, I know how easy this can lead to an argument so I've decided not to confront her on this. I'm just going to take care of the problem "technically" by preventing her from being able to do it again.

 

The trust issue and "throwing it in her face" is something I don't understand. Kayla and I are just good friends who go way back. There were a few times back in high school when it got as far as feeling out, but that's as far as it ever went and both of us have no desire to do that again. We both decided we were not compatible as boyfriend-girlfriend but we decided to continue our friendship. There is no reason for her not to trust me and I don't feel like I'm guilty of anything. Of course I would feel guilty if I did that now because I have a gf. If my gf had a sexual partner before we got together I wouldn't care because she wasn't with me then. I would understand it was consensual and she was single.

 

I also can't understand why she should see any red flags or drama here. I would completely understand if my gf had a friend that she maybe was kind of close with way back in high school. I would understand that that was two years ago and not hold it against her. I might be a little jealous, sure, but I certainly wouldn't go on her laptop perusing through her fb accounts.

 

I think the issue is that my gf thinks Kayla is some kind of threat. I know she isn't, but for some reason my gf has gotten the wrong impression that she is. Somehow I have to find a way to convince her and stop her irritating jealously, because it's really getting toxic to our relationship.

 

Your definitely trusting your 'guy mind' too much - continue at your own peril.

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Have the two met?

 

No, I always see my gf at her place so they've never met. Do you think that them meeting would help ease my gf's concerns?

 

I've thought that this might be a good idea. But then again, if she got too flirty with me in front of my gf it would a nightmare. :eek: I think if I go that route I'd probably want to give kayla a heads up first, don't ya think? Or better yet, maybe do like a double date with kayla and her bf?

 

What do you think?

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There were a few times back in high school when it got as far as feeling out, but that's as far as it ever went and both of us have no desire to do that again. We both decided we were not compatible as boyfriend-girlfriend but we decided to continue our friendship.

 

This is the problem.

 

You and your friend should have gone separate ways. Your girlfriend CAN feel it, believe me or not.

 

I might be a little jealous,
So how is it wrong if she is?

 

but I certainly wouldn't go on her laptop perusing through her fb accounts.
You are expecting her to react the way you ' might ' have. You havent 'yet' come in that situation, so you really cant decide what you would or would not do.

 

stop her irritating jealously
You need to cut that friend out for your relationship to survive, if at all. You are making this issue as your girlfriends problem when its not.

 

You are trying to minimize her feelings which is not going to end well if you want anything long term with her. Yes, flings / casual hook ups / short term relationships dont care if you are keeping exs or close female friends around .Heck, even low self -esteem, insecure women would also go with it but a sensible woman will not put up with it. Your inability to take care of her feelings will result in her dumping you for good.

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But then again, if she got too flirty with me in front of my gf it would a nightmare.

 

I stand correct ! Dump this ' friend ' if you ever want a serious girlfriend.

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No, I always see my gf at her place so they've never met. Do you think that them meeting would help ease my gf's concerns?

 

I've thought that this might be a good idea. But then again, if she got too flirty with me in front of my gf it would a nightmare. :eek: I think if I go that route I'd probably want to give kayla a heads up first, don't ya think? Or better yet, maybe do like a double date with kayla and her bf?

 

What do you think?

 

If it was 100% platonic I would, But if indeed you have worries I would not...

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Glitter,

 

Apparently I haven't made my situation that clear. I am deeply in love with my gf and I'd never do anything to intentionally hurt her feelings. My gf and I have an amazing bond. We spend at least 3-4 days out of the week together. My gf also has some guy friends that I know she occasionally texts with, and I've never felt jealous of them at all. I've even met a couple of them and in no way felt threatened at all. Not to mention that I've told my gf over and over that Kayla is in a relationship, so she's not available.

 

Yes, I admit that Kayla and I were getting a bit too close there for awhile, but we have put that behind us and since she got a bf we have hung out together a lot less often. She has even invited me out with her bf a few times, but I was too busy.

 

My relationship with Kayla is completely platonic. We go back a long way and she's been there for me many times, but she's not my type. She is special to me but not like my gf, and I honestly just feel that she is a very special person and friend who is not a threat to my relationship at all. Yes, I love her, but only as a friend, not like I love my gf. With my gf, I feel more manly like a husband, but with kayla I feel more like a brother. I would never do anything to hurt my gf, who I love more than anything in the world. :love::love::love::love::love:

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You say you love her and have feelings for her as a brother would with his sister. But you admit to flirting with her and getting to close and this only ended because she got a bf. The way you describe this friend, it doesn't seem that clear cut, you say completely platonic, but then you mention how you both got really close for a while.

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Glitter,

 

Apparently I haven't made my situation that clear. I am deeply in love with my gf and I'd never do anything to intentionally hurt her feelings. My gf and I have an amazing bond. We spend at least 3-4 days out of the week together. My gf also has some guy friends that I know she occasionally texts with, and I've never felt jealous of them at all. I've even met a couple of them and in no way felt threatened at all. Not to mention that I've told my gf over and over that Kayla is in a relationship, so she's not available.

 

Yes, I admit that Kayla and I were getting a bit too close there for awhile, but we have put that behind us and since she got a bf we have hung out together a lot less often. She has even invited me out with her bf a few times, but I was too busy.

 

My relationship with Kayla is completely platonic. We go back a long way and she's been there for me many times, but she's not my type. She is special to me but not like my gf, and I honestly just feel that she is a very special person and friend who is not a threat to my relationship at all. Yes, I love her, but only as a friend, not like I love my gf. With my gf, I feel more manly like a husband, but with kayla I feel more like a brother. I would never do anything to hurt my gf, who I love more than anything in the world. :love::love::love::love::love:

 

Sorry, but it seems you have to some choices to make and live with them.

 

If you are concerned that if your gf sees how you and your friend behave with each other ( flirting ) then there is definately something wrong otherwise you wouldnt have to have a pep talk with your friend !

 

You are not worried about your gf having male friends because neither of them is flirting in front of you and you can see/feel they are plutonic.But yours is completely out of tune.

 

You are trying to justify something that is not going to sit right with anyone.

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You say you love her and have feelings for her as a brother would with his sister. But you admit to flirting with her and getting to close and this only ended because she got a bf. The way you describe this friend, it doesn't seem that clear cut, you say completely platonic, but then you mention how you both got really close for a while.

 

Hi, starpower. Sorry for not being so clear about my relationship with Kayla. You see, when I young I didn't have a lot of friends and was sort of the "geeky" type. Good grades, but not good in sports and not the kind of guy that girls go for. All the "cool" guys at school wouldn't hang out with me and sometimes bullied me, and all the cute girls just dissed me. But then I met Kayla and this was all turned upside down. She moved to our school her sophomore year and she was by far the prettiest girl in our school, and all the guys wanted to go out with her and hit on her. Well, lo and behold she ends up getting a job where I work, and I end up working alongside her all the time, and we become really good friends and hit it off, and suddenly I'm a popular guy at school and all the cool guys want to be friends, and all the girls want to date me. Me and Kayla both worked together long hours and often alone, and we ended up learning everything about each other and becoming like best friends. She helped me become popular and make friends, but I also helped her as well. When she had trouble with aggressive boys or jealous girls, which she did a lot, I was able to intervene using my new found social power. Any guys that fcked with her were OUT, and any girls who hated her became outcasts. In retrospect, it's amazing how much we helped each other to fit in during those awkward teenage years.

 

Now, in my 2nd year of college, we are still BFF. There have been times over the years that I thought about Kayla as a gf, after all she IS really good looking and has an awesome body, but it became clear to me that my feelings for her were more like that of a sister or friend. I knew this for certain when she started dating this guy on the football team and I didn't even get jealous. She even invited me out with them on some of their dates. I can truly see that they have some special connection we never did, and I honestly wish them the best and hope their relationship works out, even tho I'm not exactly sure what their official status is (I never asked her and she never told me, I think it's a friends-with-benefits thing, I'm not sure :bunny::bunny::bunny: )

 

Several months after that I finally got my own SO. After a year I can clearly tell that my affection for my gf is a lot different than my affection for Kayla. Kayla and I definitely friend zoned each other, while my feelings for Melissa (my gf) are more passionate. But I haven't told my gf that much about Kayla yet, and Kayla probably still knows me a lot better than my gf does, so I think that's probably the reason why Melissa feels threatened.

 

If you are concerned that if your gf sees how you and your friend behave with each other ( flirting ) then there is definately something wrong otherwise you wouldnt have to have a pep talk with your friend !

 

You are not worried about your gf having male friends because neither of them is flirting in front of you and you can see/feel they are plutonic. But yours is completely out of tune.

 

You are trying to justify something that is not going to sit right with anyone.

 

My gf has only briefly met Kayla, so she has never seen us flirting, nor, of course, would we ever flirt in front of her. We would never do that and besides it will probably be a double date with her bf if we do all go out. Neither of us would ever justify doing that in front of our SOs. It's just that my friend gets carried away sometimes and I don't think she really knows she's flirting, it just comes natural to her cuz we're so close. I feel sorry for her because to other people it might look like she's coming on to me, but I know she' isn't, she is just touchy feely like that sometimes. And that is the only reason i want to "coach" her beforehand, nothing to hide or justify, I just want to make sure that Melissa wouldn't get the wrong impression. After all, the whole point of any meeting in the first place would be to ease her anxiety and help her to feel safe (duh).

 

Also, I have never met her guy friends, none of them live particularly close or go to her school, but there are definitely a couple guys she texts with occasionally, so me seeing her acting platonically with them is not the reason I trust her. For all I know she could be sexting with these guys, but I still have not felt jealous of them in the least, and I feel I should be able to expect the same from her.

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typo error
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This isn't in direct relation to the post but to flirting.

 

You can be talking innuendo with a person of the opposite sex and it is in no way a stepping stone to progress to something physical but just fun for the sake of witty banter.

 

But between two people, they can feel if that banter is something more, if there is intention behind it. Usually it's not he words but the look in the eye when saying them betraying an underlying intention that isn't just about innocent flirting/banter.

 

About the OP though; you have a lot to still experience at the tender age of 20 and seem already happy to settle down with this woman. But i can't help feeling there is something a tad controlling about the way you have handled this.

 

You can see your soulmate is distressed and have verbally tried to assuage her anxiety. Can you admit that while there may be nothing going on with you and Kayla, it might feel like the kind of intimacy you have with her and closeness could look to any girlfriend like it has potential? And changing your lock on your computer and stuff like that, why? Two facebook accounts for two sets of friends? You seem a bit secretive and controlling like 'im ok, my girlfriend is not, oh well, let her flake on about it, i'm not budging and if anything im going to shut her out further but taking away my transparency'.

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You can see your soulmate is distressed and have verbally tried to assuage her anxiety. Can you admit that while there may be nothing going on with you and Kayla, it might feel like the kind of intimacy you have with her and closeness could look to any girlfriend like it has potential? And changing your lock on your computer and stuff like that, why? Two facebook accounts for two sets of friends? You seem a bit secretive and controlling like 'im ok, my girlfriend is not, oh well, let her flake on about it, i'm not budging and if anything im going to shut her out further but taking away my transparency'.

 

Yes, siankat, I understand how it looks. If I was in my gf's place I would be jealous, but it's been like over two years since we fooled around, and my gf and I basically spend a lot of time together now and I've really cut back on the time I spend with Kayla.

 

As far as fb is concerned, I see no problem with two accounts. I've always had one in my name, but then I got one in an alias, and I just never merged my two friend lists. I don't think I'm being controlling in that she is the one that crossed the line first and went on my laptop. Had she not done that we would not be here.

 

I really liked the idea to have my gf and Kayla meet, so tomorrow I got all of us to make plans to watch football together at my favorite sports bar. I think that once my gf gets to know Kayla and her bf, she will be more at ease with the situation. I told Kayla about my problem with Melissa and had her tell her bf as well, just to make sure the whole thing doesn't backfire. If they do something stupid like not act cuddly or affectionate with each other, or if Kayla dresses too sexy or acts flirty to me in any way, our get together might just make Melissa even more jealous. But Kayla assured me she and her bf were going good right now and are "lovey dovey", and she promised not to wear anything too revealing nor will she get flirty with me at all.

 

Overall, I have a really good feeling about it, but I'm still a little afraid. This is their first serious meeting and I hope everyone all just gets along. If this doesn't go well it could make things worse, but if it does work out I think it's going to take care of my gf's jealousy issues. I'll come back tomorrow and let you know how it goes.

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The more you post, the worse it sounds.

 

From Kayla just being a friend. It's now that you guys get flirty, you last fooled around a couple of years ago..and why do you have to concern yourself with Ks clothing.

It's all very odd with you and K.

 

Don't live together if you want to hide your second FB account and keep secrets....that's a sign you aren't ready to live together. Don't take that step if you'll be having passwords on everything.

 

 

You are very young.......you don't hide FB accounts from a woman you love.

 

It's obvious you really like Kayla... she rescued you in high school.... your GF can see that. If she were to post here about her BF and his very close female friend.....the view of many would be that she ends it with you.

 

Stop telling K everything about M.

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Sorry but you just admitted that your friend Kayla is pretty with an "awesome body", you guys fooled around a couple years ago and you actually have to speak to Kayla to ask her not to flirt with you or dress to sexy?... Yeah I'm on your girlfriends side and girls usually have a good feeling about this stuff otherwise she wouldn't be so suspicious. You are in the wrong and if you want your relationship to last you need to distance yourself from Kayla.

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Hi Sandy, thx for your input.

 

From Kayla just being a friend. It's now that you guys get flirty, you last fooled around a couple of years ago..and why do you have to concern yourself with Ks clothing.

It's all very odd with you and K.

 

Well, like I said, my feelings for Kayla and Melissa are totally different. I don't think Kayla and I could ever get romantically involved because we think and feel like a brother and sister. Melissa and I however are sexually active and our feelings are more like a husband and wife. Like I said, I toned down the flirting with her, and on her part I don't think she realizes she's doing it. We only fooled around a few times in high school after parties when we were drunk. Remember, we were both virgins then, so being such close friends naturally we experimented as we felt "safe" with each other. Later we realized that certain boundaries were crossed so we agreed to no more "benefits" and to never tell anybody about what we did. We were young and didn't know any better and since then we have only been good friends.

 

The clothing concern is because Kayla has a SMOKING body and she flaunts it a bit too much, and this causes lots of problems with her friends. They get jealous and think she is a threat, and it's gotten to the point where she hardly has any more girl friends now. Being aware of this, I wanted to make sure she acted more conservatively when we're with my gf. With my gf already being jealous of her, the last thing I need is for Kayla to come off as being competitive with her.

 

Don't live together if you want to hide your second FB account and keep secrets....that's a sign you aren't ready to live together. Don't take that step if you'll be having passwords on everything.

 

Huh? My gf and I do not live together. She lives about 20 mins away.

 

You are very young.......you don't hide FB accounts from a woman you love.

 

I understand but I don't feel I'm hiding anything, I just would like to have some privacy. Just because we are in a relationship, I don't think that means we need to share everything little thing with each other.

 

It's obvious you really like Kayla... she rescued you in high school.... your GF can see that. If she were to post here about her BF and his very close female friend.....the view of many would be that she ends it with you.

 

Yes, I understand. But like I said, my feelings for Kayla are not the same as my love for Melissa. We worked that out back in high school. I've also been scaling back the time I spend with Kayla since she has a bf too, and my gf knows that.

 

Stop telling K everything about M.

 

I don't, but I told her about her jealousy because I thought that was appropriate since we are all going out together tomorrow. I want her to be very aware and respectful of my gf tomorrow, and not do anything that might offend or worry her. Like I said, she and I are so close that sometimes she will act flirty without even realizing that she's doing it. I wanted to make sure she will be aware tomorrow and act properly, so I told her about my gf's insecurities. Don't you think that was a good idea?

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The fact that you had to actually ask Kayla not to flirt with you is EXACTLY why your girlfriend is upset. I agree with the others who've suggested that your girlfriend senses that your relationship with Kayla is not as straightforward as you want her to believe.

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Your welcome.

 

I think the fact that K doesn't have any female friends left says a lot about her character. Lots of girls are good looking and dress sexy...but they still have friends. So something else is going on with K, but that's not your problem per se.

 

You and her have been more than just friends in the past and it's not the case that all friends experiment with each other BTW.

 

I think it would have been better if you told K that as your in a relationship now, you want to be respectful to your GF and not act inappropriately with her (K) as you wouldn't like it if M had a male friend that she was this close to and flirted with.

 

That makes it clear you aren't happy to flirt with her and not that you'd be fine except that M is jealous or could see her as a threat. That just makes M look like the insecure GF.

 

I had a situation where my husband was remaining in contact with an EX. In the end her texted her saying that he wouldn't be in touch anymore as his wife doesn't feel comfortable with the contact and he understood my POV.

 

I would have preferred he didn't make it about me, but after being her friend for years.. I guess he needed to explain why they could no longer be in touch.

 

You see I threatened to reach out to my XBFs if he thought this platonic friendship was ok for him to do. That's when he saw sense...... he wouldn't have wanted that.

 

I know you aren't living with her now ....but you mentioned that you planned to live together. You're professing a lot of love for her, but your actions and thoughts don't match up. I understand you want privacy ...... but I think that's why there is no need to live with her at 20 years old. Don't plan on it was my point.

 

A friend like K is one you could easily have sex with, if you had an argument with your GF and were in a vulnerable state ....no GF wants a girl like that around, that her BF confides in.

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