ZionPeace Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Hello everyone. I hope I can get some advice about a dilemma I'm in. I know for a fact that my friend's husband is cheating on her. I saw him cheating on her with another woman a few times. I feel guilty that I know this and haven't told her about it. Based off of how she talks about him, it doesn't seem like she knows. But then again maybe she does but is putting on an appearance that her marriage is great. Should I tell her about her husband? I've heard how when people do tell a friend that their spouse is cheating on him/her that the friend will get mad at the friend and not their spouse. I also hear the friendship could end as well. She is a friend.....but she's not a really good friend of mine. I also have been told that since she isn't a close friend that I should just not say anything at all. I want to live an honest life as much as possible. I think that's why I feel guilty because there's a huge part of me that thinks withholding this information is similar to lying. I appreciate whatever advice or experience people have about this situation. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 She is not a super close friend? I would not tell Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Well, try this one out. If the situation was reversed, WOULD YOU WANT HER TO TELL YOU???? My guess is yes you would and that you would not want to be kept clueless while you tell people about your wonderful husband. If this is a person you interact with on a regular basis (she does not have to be your "bestie"), and if you are sure of what you know, you should sure as hell tell her. when and if she catches her husband, and if she knows you knew and said nothing, chances are she is not going to be your friend after that. By not sitting silent, you just might prevent the destruction of a family or two. And might have a clearer conscience than sitting there watching it unfold. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I don't understand the reasoning of the reply that claims that just because she's not a close friend, you should keep it to yourself. That doesn't even make logical sense. Because the OP and this woman don't go to the gym together every week, the betrayed wife doesn't deserve to know the reality of her marriage? What a crock. ZionPeace, unlike some, you actually have morals and ethics that don't allow you to just sit idly by when you know something terribly wrong is happening to hurt someone. I'm glad there are people like you in this world. Why don't you find a way to tip her off anonymously? With everyone being on so many social media venues nowadays, this can't be that hard to accomplish? You can create an anonymous email account and send her an email, or create a bogus Facebook/Instagram/whatever account and contact her that way. Or you can do it the old fashioned way - type a letter and send it good old snail mail. Just be sure to be precise with your dates of when he's been out and about with his OW, the places he was seen with her, and the details of his affair (and her name or where she works if possible). Otherwise, her cheating, lying husband will just find ways to refute every single thing you say in your message. Good luck! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZionPeace Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 (edited) Thank you for the advice. Yes I definitely would want to know if my significant other was cheating on me. I would not want years going by assuming things are well in the relationship but secretly my partner was seeing someone else. My friend doesn't have any children with her husband yet so I think it's better for me to tell her now instead of seeing her build a family with him knowing he's done her wrong. Also I'm not sure if I should have mentioned this about their relationship. My friend was her husband's mistress in his first marriage. She knew he was married when she started seeing him. Then her husband got divorced from his first wife and married my friend immediately after that. I thought about communicating with my friend anonymously through the internet as well. Sorry I know I sound so indecisive. I never been in this kind of situation before and I'm just trying to make sure I think it through and do the right thing. Edited October 29, 2015 by ZionPeace 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I feel if you do it anonymously she won't believe it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MovingOnIsHard Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 This is what you need to do: go up to that person face-to-face and tell her all that you know. You are merely relaying a message to her. If she doesnt like what she hears and she blames you for it, that is her problem. If despite your message she continues to see this man and eventually gets hurt, thats also her problem. But i will say that if i was the woman cheated on I would dump the guy and buy you dinner. Cheating is immoral and no one should turn a blind eye to it. Being honest and telling the truth rather than witholding it is a noble and respectable thing to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Tell her what you know / suspect. If she gets defensive, back off & say something like I hope I'm wrong. I only said anything because in your place, I'd want to know. And leave it at that It's her info to act on or not. Don't treat her any differently no matter what she does next including stay with the cheater. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I know for a fact that my friend's husband is cheating on her. I saw him cheating on her with another woman a few times. How do you know? Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 (edited) I don't understand the reasoning of the reply that claims that just because she's not a close friend, you should keep it to yourself. That doesn't even make logical sense. Because the OP and this woman don't go to the gym together every week, the betrayed wife doesn't deserve to know the reality of her marriage? What a crock. ! What is logical ? That the betrayed one has to find out the truth from an outsider? well that is what you prefer, not all other women in the world. For one she might not believe OP. For two she might think OP is up for something to sabotage her marriage. For three her husband can say "OP is only saying this because she likes me but I turned her off and she is now getting her revenge" . For four she might already know it and is dealing with it and don't appreciate other people minding her business. For five she might just be the kind that prefers not knowing (ignorance is a bliss) and does not want to go through the pain. For six she was the mistress turned wife so she probably knows what kind of man he is and is prepared for him cheating but for her own reason she does not want to leave. I would not tell her straight away but instead I would tell the husband to stop. Edited October 29, 2015 by h0000 Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 If she's my friend, and he isn't, I'd tell, and I don't give a **** what other's say. If it were me and my friend didn't say anything, I'd throw those friendships away. In fact, I have already. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
JustGettingBy Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 You say you've seen him cheating multiple times? If they're in the same location, or a predictable location invite her out there. If you see him and the woman he's cheating with, say something like "Isn't that your husband?". That way, if it works, it look like an accident, and if not, it was just a fun get-together. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZionPeace Posted October 30, 2015 Author Share Posted October 30, 2015 How do you know? I saw her husband at a park making out with another woman. They were also touching each other affectionately. Then a few weeks later I saw him with the same woman walking down the street together holding hands and kissing each other again. Both times he was out in public during the day in busy areas so he didn't seem to be trying to hide it. Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 You can easily justify the logic of telling the friend, but that will not take away that feeling you are crossing some kind of line in doing so. But i think the right thing to do is to make the best decision that you think your friend would want you to make and if you don't know the answer to that then you should not be getting involved. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 I wouldn't want someone informing me of this and I'd probably shoot the messenger. If my hubby was to have an affair, I'd rather it be done without my knowledge. Link to post Share on other sites
itsallamystery Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 I wouldn't want someone informing me of this and I'd probably shoot the messenger. If my hubby was to have an affair, I'd rather it be done without my knowledge. The truth always comes out sooner or later. And to op: Why not grab your phone next time you see this and record it? But my question is (WARNING: possible can of worms being opened): How do you know they are cheating, and what is considered cheating? My definition of cheating has changed drastically over the years. It has evolved from only concerned with physical stuff occurring to much more than just that. There are some men with very archaic thinking that may say I sound like a woman. But, for others it would upset them if their SO was spending more time, talking about more intimate private things to another person than them. However, somebody who wants to rationalize this will say: So what they were together...did you see penetration?" But definitely try to get some video footage of the two of them together. If nothing else, it will help to begin to unravel the bs. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 An anonymous denunciation is the worst possible choice in this matter. It tends to be unbelievable - because honest, well-motivated people with facts in hand rarely choose to hide behind the cloak of anonymity. And we all know that plenty of troublemakers fabricate stories and spread their smears anonymously....it's 99% likely that the WS would use that fact to deny. So you disturb the peace of the (purportedly) BS for no good reason. If you choose to inform one spouse of another spouse's behavior for the good of the former, it must be done with your name attached and on a strict facts-only basis. Just be a witness....it is not appropriate and not ethical for you to be an investigator, prosecutor, judge, or jury. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Like you have been told. Sit her down in a PRIVATE setting and tell her exactly what you know. An annonmous text or e mail will just have her going crazy trying to figure out who sent it and IF it could be true. It may also cause her to confront her husband without being in the proper state of mind for that confrontation. You said YOU would want to know. Then do what YOU would hope someone would do for you and be a FRIEND, especially if you have no real ties to her husband. Her being his mistress is not relavant. Right now she is his wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 If you choose to inform one spouse of another spouse's behavior for the good of the former, it must be done with your name attached and on a strict facts-only basis. Just be a witness....it is not appropriate and not ethical for you to be an investigator, prosecutor, judge, or jury. This is absolutely true. (Aside from ethics, most ppl aren't actually competent to do those things properly and are unaware of it.) That means, if you saw this guy and a random woman at a restaurant forex, your witness report would be that you saw this guy and a random woman at a restaurant. Those are the limits of your eyewitness observations, not any superfluous conclusions like they're having an affair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 You should tell her. If she's not such a close friend and doesn't believe you - it won't be a great loss. If she already knew then it won't be a problem. DO NOT GO and speak to him about it. He'll change the story to say you were after him. As she was the mistress.......She'll know what sneaky tricks they used and should be able to catch him out. I don't usually have much sympathy for former mistresses when the same happens to them....but she deserves to know. I can't understand people who would rather live in ignorance, while their husbands expose them to Std's and come and kiss them, after their mouth has been on another woman's privates. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 I did that once. Told a very close friend of mine her H was cheating on her. I didn't use these words exactly but I just told her what I saw, and what everyone else in our social circle already knew. Not so much a moral issue in my case as the fact I knew she'd never do that to him and she'd want to know. No regrets whatsoever. She's with a great guy and is the happiest she's ever been and our friendship is stronger for it. He's still a major sleazeball, but whatever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 My friend was her husband's mistress in his first marriage. She knew he was married when she started seeing him. Then her husband got divorced from his first wife and married my friend immediately after that. UGH. That changes everything. I have no respect for people like this. She had NO problem being complicit in the breakup of his first marriage and is now simply reaping what she sowed. Sorry, but she deserves every rotten thing coming to her. She knew this guy was a snake from day #1 so why should she be surprised that he's doing what he's always done - cheating? It's that classic arrogance where she thought they were 'soul mates' and SHE was so special and he'd never do to her what he did to his first wife. LOL. Such arrogance. That saying, "If they'll do it WITH you, they'll do it TO you" couldn't be more on the money. I retract my last answer. I wouldn't tell her at all. Instead, I'd pull up a chair, get myself a bucket of popcorn and a big soft drink, and watch these two losers get exactly what's coming to them. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 UGH. That changes everything. I have no respect for people like this. She had NO problem being complicit in the breakup of his first marriage and is now simply reaping what she sowed. Sorry, but she deserves every rotten thing coming to her. She knew this guy was a snake from day #1 so why should she be surprised that he's doing what he's always done - cheating? It's that classic arrogance where she thought they were 'soul mates' and SHE was so special and he'd never do to her what he did to his first wife. LOL. Such arrogance. That saying, "If they'll do it WITH you, they'll do it TO you" couldn't be more on the money. I retract my last answer. I wouldn't tell her at all. Instead, I'd pull up a chair, get myself a bucket of popcorn and a big soft drink, and watch these two losers get exactly what's coming to them. Tempts me to say not to tell this exmistress/OW/BW just because of her past history. Because she should know that if they cheat with you they cheat on you. Though I think even more so because of her past history she needs to be told. She needs a drink from the karma bottle. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 I have witness many of infidelity, family, friends and coworkers. Most I have kept my mouth shut because whatever is happening in people's private life is none of my business and don't participate in the gossip. The only time I would ever "step in" and say something is if the person being cheated on or who is cheating is someone I cared about a lot. I'm not the moral police, I understand cheating is wrong but exposing someone is not my responsibility in all cases. Unfortunately in this case your friend can't see past her nose not to realize the strong possibility that he would cheat again. She made a poor choice, but I don't think she should be punished or deserves it. If it were me I would do it indirectly, and tell someone close to her and let them deal with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MoreAmore Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 I'd absolutely want to know and be livid and humiliated that people knew and didn't tell me. Don't say it in a judgmental way or just what you know. You aren't close enough to know if they have an open relationship or something. DO not say it to anyone except to her, but absolutely tell her. That's not gossip. Link to post Share on other sites
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