GF had sex with someone before we were exclusive, how do I stop thinking about it?

[Auralaas]

Hello everyone,

 

I've known this girl for about seven years. We were both in long-term relationships at the time (hers a seven year one, mine a ten year). Mine ended last year, hers earlier this year. We started seeing each other and everything was going fantastic. I've since fallen in love with her, worked up the courage to tell her, and found out that she loves me too.

 

In a recent conversation we had, it came up that on a trip to Europe that took place about a month after we started seeing each other she had sex with another man. This was a friend she knew from a previous trip to Europe and had kissed before. I felt like I was in a car crash. Even though I had told her at the beginning I understood what she meant by needing time and even said, "If you feel like you need to go out and explore singledom, do it. But I probably won't be seeing anyone else."

 

She told me that numerous people in her life were telling her that she needed to get "out there" and on this trip, the opportunity presented itself over and over and she just couldn't do it... until the very last day, where she panicked and did it.

 

She's told me that it wasn't the same as when she is with me, it didn't compare, and that it helped her realize how special what we have is. This was about a month in and we're now at the four month(?) mark.

 

Our relationship has flourished since she's returned and just keeps getting better, but this has hit me very hard and I can't seem to shake it off.

 

I know she didn't do anything wrong. I even explicitly said that something like that would be okay. I don't think I understood how much it would hurt. After she told me, we had a very emotional discussion. She felt like maybe she shouldn't have told me because now things will change. She's afraid that it's made her less desirable, or made me love her less. She's also upset because this is really the only negative thing that has come up so far between us. She also said she doesn't need to explore anymore.

 

The truth is, I still love her and I WANT to get past this, but I can't for the life of me stop thinking about it. When I think about her being with this other guy it makes me nauseous. I find the thoughts creeping up when we are together and they put me in this weird mental zone, where I'm clearly not myself. I become quiet, more reserved...

 

It's so hard to explain, I'm not even sure what emotion I'm feeling. I'm not mad at her, I just hurt when I think about it. I'm fully aware that she may have also NEEDED this experience to then fully appreciate or commit to what we have but despite all of this knowledge, I can't shake the thoughts away. It seeps into my thoughts when we're talking, just hanging out, or even being physical and I feel like it's poisoning all of it.

 

Any advice?

 

Thanks in advance. <3

Edited October 26, 2015 by Auralaas

[d0nnivain]

Her timing is bad but she had sex with lots of people before you or at least the guy she was with for 7 years. You try to tell yourself that what matters is how she treats you. If you can't get past it, you can't. But that means you either build a time machine or break up. What other options are there?

[PrettyEmily77]

The mistake you made, IME, is to tell her you were okay with her potentially seeing / sleeping with other guys, even if you meant it - there was always a risk she was gonna take you at your word.

 

That being said, she slept with the other guy knowing full well you wouldn't be seeing anyone - that is a little concerning, to me.

 

When a guy says he's planning on being exclusive, it would be normal to assume the favor to be returned or to cool it there and then, regardless of whether he thinks it's okay to sleep around or not.

 

There isn't much you can do at this stage tho, OP - you can lie to her and yourself and pretend it's not affecting you, or you can tell her you're not dealing with it as well as you thought you would and bear the consequences of that (a break-up, or at the very least a break, in all likelihood).

 

And for future reference, you'll also know never to tell a girl she can sleep around if she thinks she needs it (that's a choice, not a need btw), at whatever stage of the relationship you're at bc you now know for a fact you can't handle it - so the positive in that situation is that you have learnt sthg about your own boundaries, and that's a good thing for later.

[Odinani]

the reasons she has given you for sleeping with this guy are not very impressive really

[Chi townD]

See, I REALLY hate labels. It a frickin headache. Okay, you two were dating (but, apparently not REALLY). So, you were dating, but not really. You were dating but not exclusively, but dating none the less.

 

 

I mean, if we go by this stupid logic, he could have asked her out on a first date and had a great time, but some other dude asked her out on the dance floor and she goes with this other dude. A few songs go by and she no where to be found and neither is the other guy. The next day she calls you up as if nothing happened. You ask her where she went and she informs you that she went home with the other guy. You're about to blow your stack but she informs you that since it was a date and that you weren't really DATING, dating.. that she decided that the date with you was over and the date with the other guy just started". But, you can't get mad because you weren't DATING, dating.

 

 

I mean, stupid technicalities. Dude, you were in a dating relationship with this woman regardless if she or you felt that it was exclusive or not. Obviously, dating this woman was actually going somewhere because here you are months later. Therefore, you had to have felt the relationship going in that direction. So, I feel you have a right to feel upset. And if she's telling you that she felt awful about it, then she knew, deep down, that it wasn't right either. That is what we call a guilty conscious.

[lolablue17]

I had the same kind of story very long ago with my curent wife. . I broke up with her. I regreted after 3 days, we got back together, and then she told me that meanwhile she slept with someone on those 3 days.

 

In my situation i had no argument at all. But it was still bothering me like hell.

 

1. It took many many years until i could be Ok with my self about it.

2. I guess this is one of the things that kept us connected so tight. It always reminded me never to take her for granted.

[MIKEB1950]

Unfortunately without the power to turn the clock back and erase the trip to Europe its gonna be in place forever. I should have stopped the relationship, cancelled the wedding, go off and never taken the marriage route it still grates with me now after 40 odd years.

 

You may never forget, forgive maybe a sort of forgive but only in bits when something more important and power butt in to your lives. However when you see pictures from the europe trip, when you see films or tv programmes about Europe, when your kids ask mom "what was Europe like" you think they will not trip you over again. You might well have a great existence together but you will not have what you thought you had or wanted to have. That one dalliance, that singular move for self gratification was done when there was little thought for you, at that time you never existed for her. What was done was so different from her 7 year relationship so very different.

 

you will be a better man than many if you can hurdle this one and a more courageous one if you walk away and never settle for just existence.

 

good luck - never look back again.

[twosadthings]

You're only four months into your relationship with her so you'll have to judge the depth of emotion you have for her if the following suggestion is one you might want to choose.

 

She re-connected with someone she had had been friendly with before. If you think you can possibly be with her for the long haul then have the talk with her that you would not feel you would be respected if she has any contact with the people she has been intimate with before you and you will accord her the same courtesy and respect in return. Furthermore you should say that you would not want to be placed in the position, of and won't cause her, to have to meet any of these people even casually.

 

Short of going back in time this is the best suggestion I can offer to possibly ease your mind and signal any feelings you determine you have for her.

 

Twosadthings

[road]

Unfortunately without the power to turn the clock back and erase the trip to Europe its gonna be in place forever. I should have stopped the relationship, cancelled the wedding, go off and never taken the marriage route it still grates with me now after 40 odd years.

 

You may never forget, forgive maybe a sort of forgive but only in bits when something more important and power butt in to your lives. However when you see pictures from the europe trip, when you see films or tv programmes about Europe, when your kids ask mom "what was Europe like" you think they will not trip you over again. You might well have a great existence together but you will not have what you thought you had or wanted to have. That one dalliance, that singular move for self gratification was done when there was little thought for you, at that time you never existed for her. What was done was so different from her 7 year relationship so very different.

 

you will be a better man than many if you can hurdle this one and a more courageous one if you walk away and never settle for just existence.

 

good luck - never look back again.

 

 

OP, this is so true. Things will always cause you to trigger. Triggers will happen less and be pass much quicker with time. Though they will happen.

 

 

So is she worth the triggers?

 

 

Will these triggers be more then you can handle?

 

 

It appears that they will haunt you too much. If that is so then it is time to move on.

[mystikmind2005]

I had the same kind of story very long ago with my curent wife. . I broke up with her. I regreted after 3 days, we got back together, and then she told me that meanwhile she slept with someone on those 3 days.

 

In my situation i had no argument at all. But it was still bothering me like hell.

 

1. It took many many years until i could be Ok with my self about it.

2. I guess this is one of the things that kept us connected so tight. It always reminded me never to take her for granted.

 

This is where i think both men and women converge to the greatest degree of similarity with regard to sex outside of a relationship as a way of coping with an extreme degree of emotional distress. Not saying its rite or wrong, it just is what it is.

[jh21]

I met a girl. She was fresh off a 5 year relationship. Me, I was 2 weeks off a 2 year relationahip. We became intimate after about 3 weeks or so. Then after a month or so I went AWOL and didn't call her or talk to her for some reason. Mainly because that is what I used to do. After two weeks, I called her up again and we began casually seeing each other. I think I was into it more than her. About a month and a half in she hooked up with a guy who she has been casually seeing for the past 6 years or so.

 

She told me a day after. She said she felt awful but I decided to take a break from whatever it was we had. I decided after a week to call her up. What we had before wasn't a relationship. It was purely sexual. There was no dates. No real intimacy aside from sex. We talked and said that we wanted to be exclusive and that there should be no contact with him.

 

6 months later we were engaged. A year later married. That was 10 years and 2 kids ago.

 

She has been the best mom I could ever ask for and even with me looking for evidence over the years if she has been unfaithful all she has done is look for him and a few others on facebook but she never contacted them. That happened when we were in a dark part of our marriage.

 

It bothers me every now and again but mainly because of how I was at the beginning. I was the one that went AWOL. I realize how much that hurt her. She had a long history with the guy and even at one point said that she was going to move to his city to be with him after her schooling was done. Thats not an excuse but I guess it was me she had the fling with. It took me taking 2 weeks off to realize I wanted to be with her and it took that fling with him to realize she wanted to be with me. It's crazy but thats how it worked out.

 

I wish it could have been a better start to our relationship but it wasn't. There is nothing I can do about it but make every day from now on better. Even after 10 years there are triggers and I get upset about it but it was a choice I made to get back together and we have had a good life since.

Edited October 27, 2015 by jh21

[boltam]

You need to try to put the whole thing in perspective.

 

She has a history of being with other guys, he's just one more, albeit a bit recent. She didn't cheat, she didn't betray you, and she's now dedicated to being with you exclusively.

 

You really need to get over it or you'll ruin what could be a good thing.

 

Time should help.

[central]

You weren't exclusive, and explicitly gave her permission to do what she wanted or needed to do to be ready for a relationship. Now you want to blame her for doing just that. She did nothing wrong, though she may regret it because it is causing you to have issues now that could affect being together, which is what she wants.

 

If you can't let this go, you'll have to let her go. It's not fair or right to judge her for this. Judge yourself if you have to blame anyone. Still, it's difficult to not feel what you do feel, and retroactive jealousy is an unpleasant feeling and a nasty issue to overcome. This relationship can never be good for you both if you can't overcome it.

[PinkInTheLimo]

For me it says something about her morals, and unfortunately nothing positive. OK, you were just dating and had not really agreed to be exclusive. So technically she did not cheat. But if you've just been together with someone for a month and you really think that it could be going the distance, why then sleep with someone just because the opportunity presents itself. It comes across as if she was feeling "Hey, let's quickly do this before me and my man are exclusive."

 

I could maybe maybe understand it if she had really fallen head of heels over the guy, like if she would have met an extremely hot guy, let's say Harry Styles (for those who think he is hot). But it does not even sound like that.

 

For me it comes across as someone who steals a wallet because someone forgot their wallet and no, noone forbid to steal that wallet.

 

My take is that this is the kind of woman who will cheat on you, probably not because she does not love you but because the opportunity presented itself and she thinks you will never find out. Not good in my opinion.

 

Think about this. How much more beautiful things would have been if after her trip she could have told you: "You know there was this guy who really wanted to have sex with me, but I thought that what we had was so great that I did not want to taint it."

[PinkInTheLimo]

She has been the best mom I could ever ask for and even with me looking for evidence over the years if she has been unfaithful all she has done is look for him and a few others on facebook but she never contacted them. That happened when we were in a dark part of our marriage.

 

Well you see that it still comes back.

[jh21]

Well you see that it still comes back.

 

I don't understand this.....

[Darren Steez]

Even though I had told her at the beginning I understood what she meant by needing time and even said, "If you feel like you need to go out and explore singledom, do it. But I probably won't be seeing anyone else."

 

 

Why would you say something like that?

 

You see that's the problem. You told her to go and do whatever she wanted to, even though you clearly didn't. You were trying to be the nice, caring understanding guy, so you added the even though I won't be seeing anyone at the end, hoping you, being the amazing caring guy that you are would be enough to stop her from sleeping with someone, even though she probably knew it would happen hence her talking about it.

 

Moral of the story. If you don't like something then pipe up and say what you really feel, not what you think she wants to hear. You said you were cool with it so she went and did it.

 

If you can't get past it then dump her and move on. Just remember next time not to be so nice and caring and say what you really want to say!!

[Auralaas]

Why would you say something like that?

 

You see that's the problem. You told her to go and do whatever she wanted to, even though you clearly didn't. You were trying to be the nice, caring understanding guy, so you added the even though I won't be seeing anyone at the end, hoping you, being the amazing caring guy that you are would be enough to stop her from sleeping with someone, even though she probably knew it would happen hence her talking about it.

 

Moral of the story. If you don't like something then pipe up and say what you really feel, not what you think she wants to hear. You said you were cool with it so she went and did it.

 

If you can't get past it then dump her and move on. Just remember next time not to be so nice and caring and say what you really want to say!!

 

At the time I really did think I'd be okay with it. I mean, I was way off on the reality there, but it was how I felt.

 

A mini-update, things have been going really well. It hadn't been on my mind for a while. But it creeped back yesterday, ugh.

[Chi townD]

Well, if you're trying to make things work, then you need to talk to her about it Everytime it pops up in your head. Because if you don't, you bottle it up. And every time you bottle it up, it builds and builds. Then, one day, it's going to pop and it's going to be bad.

 

 

So, she has to understand why you have a need to talk about it. I mean, I agree with Pink, if she thought that you two had something special, then she would have never have done that. She would have thought to herself, "Okay, the opportunity is there; but, you know what? I like where things are going with Auralass and I don't want to screw that up." But, that didn't happen. And that has left you with some questions and insecurities. And that is COMPLETELY NORMAL!

 

 

So, talk to her.

[siankat]

I honestly think from all you've said you just need to sit with this feeling until it passes. which it will. if it works out for the best part, you will create so many new great memories that this will seem very insignificant. itll just take time

[Spectre]

Dude, just dump her. She had to bang another dude in order to realize how special things were? Then she avoids banging other men until the final day and then panics and screws him anyways JUST TO DO IT, not for any real reason, but because she panicked. That is all kinds of pathetic on her part.

 

Holy hell man, she didn't cheat, but that's just wrong. So now she got to go out and bang other people even though you specifically told her you wouldn't be doing the same. I honestly don't care if you said she could do it, fact is she went through with it and for shady as hell reasons. You've only been together 4 months, get off this sinking ship while you can.

 

So why? Why put yourself through the hurt and triggers over a girl with so little respect for you and for herself?

 

So in conclusion: she knew you were into her, knew you wouldn't be seeing other people and STILL porked this dude anyways. Gee what a catch you've found yourself. Seems like you want to stay, so enjoy yourself I guess? Lord knows her little friend in Europe enjoyed himself with her. Or maybe find a girl who won't hang herself just because you give her a bit of rope. Food for thought, but trust me when I tell you less disrespectful women do exist out there. Women who don't have to sleep with their little European buddies to realize how good of a guy you are.

Edited November 20, 2015 by Spectre

[MoreAmore]

It makes sense that it will hurt, but it will pass as the relationship goes on.

 

She didn't cheat. Now you know never to say that again.

[Spectre]

Ugh, let's just stop with this cheating or not stuff. It's not important. The important details are how she conducted herself period. Yes he told her to do what she wanted, but he also made explicitly sure to tell her he would not be getting with anyone else. On the final day of the trip after apparently many many chances for her to of slept around she panics that she has not slept around and sleeps with her friend. Since I guess apparently the entire concept of sex was new to her until Europe.

 

She then gets back and I'm guessing begins having sex with the OP or continuing to have sex with him, all whilst having not technically cheated, but having absolutely made a damn fool of him. Also while not saying a word about it until months later. Then she says oh..but it made her see how special he was! Not special enough to be honest up front knowing he hadn't done anything with anyone, of course. Not special enough to clue him into what happened before continuing a sexual relationship with him. Which make no mistake; she didn't have to disclose it, but she should of. That is the thing. You can hide within your boundaries of whether or not she cheated and say she did nothing wrong if that is how some want to play this.

 

So no, it wasn't cheating. And no, it's not behavior any guy looking for an actual girlfriend would tolerate, period. OP I say just get out while you can. There are greater girls out there with more class and who will have more respect for you. I just don't see the point. She's not your wife, you have no kids with her or anything. Make a clean break now. Is this person your soul mate? More importantly do you WANT a girl who could treat you like this(cheating or not) to be your soul mate? You see you aren't going to stop triggering for a long time if she is still your girlfriend. Again I ask why put yourself through this, and especially given the various red flags her non cheating but shady behavior sends out.

 

Or let me put it to you real simple and real short: you weren't important enough for her to go one more day, just one more day. You just weren't important..until after of course. Then suddenly you became special. If nothing else keep that in mind next time you see her.

Edited November 20, 2015 by Spectre