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I have feelings for somebody else


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Oh boy, I NEVER would have thought of myself as a cheater. No I haven't cheated. But there is this guy that makes me think I could and it scares me.

 

I'm 21 years old, and I've been in a long distance relationship for nearly 2 years now. We met online and live on the opposite sides of the world from each other. We talk online every day and we met in real life about 6 months after we met online. Since then we've both visited each other once (I've gone to see him and he's gone to see me).

 

I love him, he is the best boyfriend he is always there for me and supportive of me, we skype almost every single day and we literally talk about everything and anything, there are no secrets between us.

 

Before I met him, I'd started University and had this crush on a guy in my course. I convinced myself that we were made for each other but was way too shy to ever talk to him or ask him out. But I was seriously convinced that he was made for me and that we were meant to be together.

 

I had a crush on him for 2 years, and then I met this other guy (my current boyfriend) online. We had so much fun chatting together and watching movies and laughing. I'm not really sure what I thought would come of it, but then we had "cyber" sex one day and he kind of decided that we should become "boyfriend/girlfriend". I was excited and naive and agreed, thinking how exciting and romantic it was to be in love with someone across the world, and I was just eager to love someone I think. I've always wanted to love someone and to be able to show them that and to try and be an amazing girlfriend.

 

So then we met in real life. Things have been going strong since. However, we both have varying levels of depression/anxiety/moodiness, so that can make things a struggle sometimes. We can have really terrible arguments and we seem to argue quite frequently (we go through phases... there are weeks when we argue nearly every day and then there are weeks when everything is happy and amazing every day... tending to correspond with my stress levels or his mood swings etc). I think that's normal for a relationship? We always work out our problems.

 

But during those bad weeks when we never seem to stop arguing, I start doubting whether or not we are meant to be together.

 

I don't know if my gut is telling me to break up with him. And the thing that makes me doubt even more is that this other guy is still in my course and I see him at uni every week and I think I STILL have feelings for him. Not the butterfly feelings but I just see him and want to be friends and wonder what it would be like to be with him. I worry that I'm missing out on my soul mate or something. I wonder if I would argue less with him, if we would have better sex, if there would be more of a spark between us. But he also intimidates me because he is very smart, I'm just quiet and shy. I feel comfortable with my current boyfriend and I feel like I can talk to him about ANYTHING and that is something rare and very special that I should not throw away.

 

But my current boyfriend I love. How do I know if it's "true" love though? Over time I've come to the conclusion that love takes dedication and commitment, it isn't just a feeling. Which is why I think I do love my boyfriend. He makes my heart swell sometimes.

 

If I left him, it would ruin him. Like completely ruin him, he would even possibly commit suicide, as he has been suicidal in the past. I am his life and I know that he is completely in love with me. It would break my heart to leave him because I know he wouldn't want any more contact with me ever again it would just be too painful for him. He has told me that in the past when I've voiced my doubts.

 

I have told him about my "feelings" for this other guy a couple of times. Once when we started our relationship, I told him I was getting over a crush. And once a month or two ago when I was having doubts again and wanted to be truthful to him. I have always been honest with him.

 

I guess what prompted me to write in this forum was that today the guy in my class spoke to me and congratulated me on something I'd done well in. We've never actually spoken for more than 5 minutes. But when he spoke he sounded a bit nervous. Sometimes I convince myself that maybe he likes me too. And I came home thinking about him and what it would be like to be with him again.

 

I feel like the worst human being in the world. My boyfriend is amazing. Once I told him he "stole my heart" because I think I had my heart set on this other guy at uni but I fell in love with him instead.

 

I just am angry at myself for falling in love too quickly, angry that I didn't just ask that guy out all those years ago in the first place and then at least I would know what might have happened.

 

To top it all off it doesn't make it any easier that my boyfriend is on the other side of the planet, this guy I like is right here. If I was with him I wouldn't have to worry about the cost of plane flights, how it's going to work in the future, having to move countries, and he would just be here with me.

 

Sorry this ended up so long. Thank you if you read all the way to the end. I really need some advice.

Edited by seastar93
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Clarence_Boddicker

If you have to ask, things are not good. Either he moves to you, or you move to him. If that can't happen very soon, end it. LDRs are BS, unless for a unavoidable set time like a military deployment. 6-12 months max.

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I would say you are way too young to be wasting your time waiting for your LDR to be physically with you full time . LDR's shouldn't be two years in, they should be at the most 6 months in when someone moves closer. Your body and mind are telling you, you need more than talking to someone over a computer screen.....that is why you need to drop this LDR and date someone locally. Your new crush would be a good start.

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If I was with him I wouldn't have to worry about the cost of plane flights, how it's going to work in the future, having to move countries, and he would just be here with me.

 

No if you left him and starting seeing new guy you wouldn't have to worry about those things.

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Being with someone in real life is reality.

 

Being a cyber girlfriend isn't real.

 

I'd break up with cyber guy and see if the school dude wants to spend time together.

 

If not, you are free to date in real life.

 

Two years you've waited. No need to keep waiting. Life is too short to keep waiting.

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The emotional investment I have in this relationship is huge. Every time I think about leaving I start crying. I've already booked flights to visit him over Christmas and when I graduate school next year the plan was to move to him and to travel together. That's the only reason neither of us have moved, because we're both trying to graduate.

 

Has anyone ever felt so deep into a relationship that it's too late to back out? I don't want to do that to him it would be the most painful thing I've ever had to do....

 

:'((

 

I feel as though I've made such a mess of my life and everything is ruined.. and this isn't how my life was supposed to turn out. I wish I could travel back in time and do things differently. How can you break someone's heart if you truly care about them so much.. how can you do that to a person.. I don't think I could. And it would break me as well. I care about him so much.

 

I feel obliged to stay. Like I've committed to him. Some things we've said.. we've talked about our future kids... we've promised each other we'd never leave... I was stupid when I said them, it's my first relationship and I was so caught up in everything I said I'd never leave him and I'd always love him and all these things. I know you will all say I was stupid but I was just young and happy to be with someone. How can I leave now? He'll think I was lying to him all this time about my feelings. But part of me still wants all that... a family with him, a life with him. I love him. But then I have doubt at the same time and sometimes think what if it doesn't work out. How do you even know if someone is "the one"??? How is everybody so sure all the time? How do you know??

 

And I worry about what my family will think of me and what his family will think of me, I worry that they'll hate me for doing this to my boyfriend. It will ruin him.

 

And then I remember all the fun times we had when we were together and think I'm crazy to even think about leaving him.

Edited by seastar93
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Clarence_Boddicker

Simple, you tell him he has to move to your city or else. After you graduate, you both can go to finish his school. He can decide if you are more important than graduating on time. Simply tell him the distance can't work anymore. Give him the choice of what to do. When he decides to stay in school, you know where you stand in his life, behind his schooling.

 

 

Take this lesson from experience: Actions speak louder than words. Millions of people have made billions of promises that go unfulfilled. That's life. Don't waste anymore of yours waiting. Tell him things need to start now, or end.

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I think you should just be single and both of you see other people for now and when you graduate go see him then to travel and start a relationship.

 

Oh well yo are just going to see where your feelings take you.

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Worrying about what others think will never make you happy.

 

And you don't want to always wonder... Should I have dated the other guy?

 

 

I vote for you to take a break and try dating the other guy.

 

If it's meant to work out with the long distance guy - then it will work out later.

 

And when that time comes you should have him move! Why are you making all the effort to change your life for him? Why isn't he offering to move to you?

 

Never sacrifice your happiness that way. Men will move mountains to be with you if they love you. Make him move if that time ever comes.

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Alright I'll chime in on this OP, because I'm in a slightly similar situation. I've been in a LDR for 5 months now with my current GF of 3 years, both with histories of anxiety and depression, but we've worked a lot of those issues out individually.

 

What makes a LDR so difficult is that it is very 'promise' based. You live in another country with the intention of reuniting at some point while making a commitment to the relationship that is devoid of physical interaction and support. Honestly, at 21 y/o and having done 2 years LDR, I agree you are too young to be spending your early 20's in this arrangement. I'm really surprised you've managed to last this long. It's very difficult to keep a relationship like this going. You're effectively putting your relationship on hold until you see each other again. Being a cyber gf/bf is a truly depressing experience, especially with no clear idea of when you will be reunited. Your heart is telling you to live life and explore, which I fully encourage at your age. I'm only 24 myself but have made a commitment to be with mt gf through the LD and will reunite with her at a specific time. You've made no such plan. If he's able to move to you or vice versa that's great, but you have to prioritise YOUR happiness. You cannot live a happy fullfilled life through a computer screen, I'm convinced of this. LDRs should a temporary arrangement in my opinion. And no, just because you are heavily invested does not mean it's too late to back out. You're 21 for God's sake.

 

Another thing, it is NOT your responsibility to maintain the relationship for the sake of your current bf's mental state. You seem very preoccupied with what all relevant parties think of you. But this is your life, not theirs. If you can't be together in real life then what's the point? Let him know that you feel the distance isn't working. If he loves you he will do what it takes to be with you. If not, cut the chord and don't look back. Just my 2c. I sympathize with you and wish you the best of luck. This is a difficult situation.

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Thank you all for your advice, I didn't expect so many responses. It seems like a lot of you think I'm too young to be in this kind of relationship and should call it off. I don't think I'm ready to end it yet. I still want to try and make this work.

 

A lot of you have assumed that we haven't planned out our future meetings and stuff... we kind of have.

 

So we met in October 2013, and became best friends online, talked forever every single day. It started getting more serious. We met for the first time in real life in June 2014, and then he came to visit me in Feb 2015. I went to visit him in July 2015. And I'm going to visit him again this December for 3 weeks. In July/August next year he is hopefully going to graduate and is planning on coming to stay with me and give me emotional support during the last stressful months of my course. I will hopefully graduate in December 2016. And then we are both free of school and we will either stay here where I live, or go travelling, or go back to where he lives. We haven't decided yet but we do know that our goal is to be together wherever we end up going. I know it won't be easy trying to get jobs in the same place etc but we are going to try. We will most likely end up settling in my country in the long term, because the lifestyle is generally better here, although I do love his country and would love to live there for an indefinite period of time.

 

Thanks lchf it's nice to know I'm not the only one in a LDR. Sometimes I feel socially outcast because of it for some reason. I know it's a hard situation to be in in my early 20s when I'm supposed to be out meeting people and having fun, but I don't mind. The distance, although hard, isn't my main problem or the reason I wrote this post. The reason is that I'm worried about these feelings I have for this other guy and whether or not I'm missing out. I would have them whether or not my boyfriend was here with me or living 10000 miles away.

 

I actually added the school guy as a friend on facebook, and he doesn't have a relationship status but there are photos of him with a girl and it looks pretty likely that he is dating her. I have no idea why but that came as quite a big relief. I don't expect any of you to understand... I can't fully understand it myself. But I think the fact that he's in a relationship helps me move on from thinking "what if he has feelings for me too" and thinking that we are meant to be together etc.

 

Life gets really complicated doesn't it... I never thought mine would. I've babbled on for too long now... I guess the point is that I'm not ready to lose my boyfriend yet and we have made future plans. I know I'm going against most of everybody's advice but for now I'm happy with my decision.

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Thanks lchf it's nice to know I'm not the only one in a LDR. Sometimes I feel socially outcast because of it for some reason. I know it's a hard situation to be in in my early 20s when I'm supposed to be out meeting people and having fun, but I don't mind. The distance, although hard, isn't my main problem or the reason I wrote this post. The reason is that I'm worried about these feelings I have for this other guy and whether or not I'm missing out. I would have them whether or not my boyfriend was here with me or living 10000 miles away.

 

I actually added the school guy as a friend on facebook, and he doesn't have a relationship status but there are photos of him with a girl and it looks pretty likely that he is dating her. I have no idea why but that came as quite a big relief. I don't expect any of you to understand... I can't fully understand it myself. But I think the fact that he's in a relationship helps me move on from thinking "what if he has feelings for me too" and thinking that we are meant to be together etc.

 

Life gets really complicated doesn't it... I never thought mine would. I've babbled on for too long now... I guess the point is that I'm not ready to lose my boyfriend yet and we have made future plans. I know I'm going against most of everybody's advice but for now I'm happy with my decision.

 

Well it's good that you guys have plans to see each other in the future. I know what you mean when you meet another person and you get a strange feeling of what it might be like to be with them. I get it from time to time but have never taken it further. Like if I meet a new girl at my gym I sometimes almost have to remind myself I'm in a relationship. Just a by-product of a lack of affection I guess. But you seem like a good person OP and I think it's a good thing you're aware of your emotions.

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A lot of you have assumed that we haven't planned out our future meetings and stuff... we kind of have.

 

 

So you work from words. Ok, I get that.

 

When you bought the plane ticket to visit did he pay for that?

 

 

But why don't you have him make the move for you if you plan to stay together?

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I actually added the school guy as a friend on facebook, and he doesn't have a relationship status

 

The beginnings of an "EA" within an "LDR".

 

Break it off with LDR, it's not fair to him.

You are way too young to be involving yourself in a relationship like this.

 

I get it, it's two years, but that's nothing in the grand scheme of things. You're going to move to him and although you think you know a lot about him, you two really don't know the "real" versions of you.

 

And to boot, you're already intrigued by a new prospect and the only thing stopping you ISN'T YOUR relationship, it's the fact that the new guy might be in one of his own.

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Oh boy, I NEVER would have thought of myself as a cheater. No I haven't cheated. But there is this guy that makes me think I could and it scares me.

 

I'm 21 years old, and I've been in a long distance relationship for nearly 2 years now. We met online and live on the opposite sides of the world from each other. We talk online every day and we met in real life about 6 months after we met online. Since then we've both visited each other once (I've gone to see him and he's gone to see me).

 

 

This as all I had to read to understand the rest of the story. stories that start out like this all end the same around here....

 

 

You need to be honest and tell your internet boyfriend that your relationship is over. LDR's rarely work and nothing is going to stop you from messing about with this dude. so let Internet BF down easily and just tell him and be done with it.

 

Stringing this along is cruel and unnecessary to your BF.

 

Rather than showing your true colors and caving into temptation which you will ultimately do, why don't you give this poor sap the greatest gift you could, which would be his freedom. He will thank you for your honesty. Maybe not to your face but he will be thankful nonetheless

 

Sure, he may be crushed for awhile, but he will be fine in time. If you love him like you say, then this is really the only avenue you have that will allow you to keep your dignity intact. Because you know you are not going to remain faithful. That's obvious by your post. So spare your boyfriend the added heartache of discovering you are a cheater and let him go before you cheat on him.

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I don't want to go into the details of who's paid for what, but it has been fair in my opinion, and I find it strange how everyone tells me to make him come to me and to make him pay for all the tickets. Is that because I'm the girl and he's the guy? I WANT to pay my fair share, and I think I should have the same level of responsibility as he does when it comes to who moves where and who pays for what.

 

People are quick to bash LDRs and quick to doubt my loyalty to my boyfriend based on what I've said here. I would be interested to see answers had I not told you my relationship was long distance. But... maybe you're all right. And I do appreciate all your honest answers.

 

I don't know what the right choice is. I don't think any one ever really knows and maybe there is no right choice. If I was with somebody else I'm sure at some point in that relationship I would have feelings of doubt as well. I think it's normal. I hope. I mean is every one else pretending that they know 100% that they're with the right person? Like, can you guys answer this for me - are you only in love if you are 100% sure you want to be with a person for the rest of your life? What if you're 95% sure... does that mean it's not love? I'm naturally uncertain of a lot of things in my life not just my relationship. I don't think that means I should quit.

 

Thanks lchf it's nice to hear some supportive words.

 

"Because you know you are not going to remain faithful. That's obvious by your post. So spare your boyfriend the added heartache of discovering you are a cheater and let him go before you cheat on him." -- Space Ritual what makes you think it's so obvious? Why do you think it's inevitable? Does everyone who ever has doubt in their relationship become a cheater?

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Also, can I ask do you guys think I should talk about this with him?

 

I don't want to hurt him and I know it will. So I'm guessing the answer is a resounding NO. I don't know it's just I tell him everything... I really want to talk about this with him.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me... I feel like a horrible person. I haven't seen him in 2 months now and already I'm forgetting what it's like to be with him, how it feels. I try and remind myself of all the things I love about him and then smile and then I miss him like crazy but I can't remember everything and I find it hard to imagine him here and what he'd be like, it's like trying to remember a dream. He's so far away.

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Clarence_Boddicker

If you have any doubts, that's a big problem. He comes to you because you are unhappy. He's perfectly happy with his life doing what he wants to do & keeping you on the side. Fair doesn't mean anything when it comes to feelings. Yes you owe it to him to be totally honest with him & tell him he needs to move very close to you now, or the pseudo relationship you're in will end. Then he can decide what he wants. Expect manipulation from him, or him dumping you. Hope for him to put you first & to move close to you ASAP. LDRs almost never work.

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"Because you know you are not going to remain faithful. That's obvious by your post. So spare your boyfriend the added heartache of discovering you are a cheater and let him go before you cheat on him." -- Space Ritual what makes you think it's so obvious? Why do you think it's inevitable? Does everyone who ever has doubt in their relationship become a cheater?

 

Stick round here a bit and read some other threads in the forum. It will show you that not only is your situation not unique, that it's pretty much stock in trade with a predictable ending.

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What... about...telling...the...truth.

 

LOL I know that seems to be a novel idea around these parts.

 

Why do you speak to me like I'm a retard and a cheater?

 

I told him everything last night and gave him the link to this thread so he could read it. I thought this site would be helpful but how many of you have even had successful relationships and know what you're talking about?

 

My Dad has been in a loving relationship with my Mum for over 35 years, and he once told me he still sometimes dreams and thinks about this girl that broke up with him in his early twenties. But that it didn't stop him from loving my Mum and having a wonderful life with her. It made me feel like yes it's okay and normal to have these kind of stupid feelings and thoughts but that doesn't have to stop you from being with the person you truly care about. Many of you think that it's a good idea to throw away such a special relationship but how many of you have committed to a person for 35 years? If I did throw away what I have with my boyfriend wouldn't I ultimately end up in the same situation with a new boyfriend with doubts and uncertainty? Isn't that human nature? None of you answered my question about whether you have to be 100% sure for it to be true love.

 

You tell me to read other threads because they all end up the same? I find that pretty insulting. Yes I tried to do that already to see if anyone was in the same situation. But my situation IS unique. Those people are NOT me. I started university and developed this huge crush on the school guy and convinced myself I was meant to be with him and that he was my soul mate. It was not healthy. I wouldn't concentrate in class because I'd be so preoccupied with sitting near him. But I never did anything about it for 2 years. I convinced myself that he liked me as well and that we were made for each other, but he never talked to me and I never talked to him. It was all just a fantasy but I made myself believe it and it felt so real, I felt so certain we were meant to be. It was ridiculous. So 2 years later I meet a guy online who makes me laugh and happy and we have a huge amount of fun together and stay up all night talking, everything clicks and I can talk to him about anything, and I think, screw the other guy, I need to move on from this silly idea that he is the only person for me and I need to get over it.

 

So everything starts with my new online boyfriend. And I told him right at the beginning that there was this guy I had a crush on that I was getting over. And then that was that and I never thought about the school guy for months. Holidays came and I didn't see the school guy so that made it easier to forget about him. And then I went back to school and he was there and I was already so in love with my boyfriend I didn't even care about the school guy anymore. And then I guess we moved out of the honeymoon phase and that was when I realised that my current boyfriend can become depressed and it was a huge shock to me. We had a lot of arguments at that point but we got through them and I think we were stronger after that. And nowdays we still argue occasionally like I said, and it can be bad, but we always work it out and afterwards are just as in love as ever. I see him when we skype and he seems to get handsomer every day.

 

It is very complicated because it's a long distance relationship so there are a lot of factors that confuse my feelings and I don't know if I have doubts because of them or because of the actual relationship. I guess I started to think about the old school guy again mostly a couple of months ago because this semester I have a lot of classes with him so I see him a lot. And then he spoke to me the other day and it really affected me. I'd spent those other 2 years before I met my boyfriend dreaming of talking to him and hoping he'd speak to me (I know it's sad). So when it happened the other day I didn't know what to think or feel. It just brought me back to thinking about him in that old way again. It's ridiculous, because I don't even know the guy very well. That's part of the reason why I added him on facebook, because I wanted to be able to see what he is really like, so I could stop thinking he's the one for me and see that really he's not, he's just another regular guy, nothing special. But the feelings from those early times at university I made are just so powerful it's really hard for me to forget them.

 

It doesn't help that I think I've been pretty severely depressed for a while now and I don't think I'm in a good situation to make big decisions about my relationship. Most of the problems I have in it are because of my own mental health issues, and also my boyfriends issues.

 

His school is important and I don't see why he should dump his life over there and come here. It's one more year for him to graduate and that will help him in terms of job prospects. I think the idea that he should quit school for me is utterly ridiculous. And the same for me. We've both worked hard to get so close to graduating, it would be pointless to throw all that away. It's less than a year now until my boyfriend graduates and comes to stay with me. I think it's worth waiting.

 

My boyfriend I think he's okay at the moment. I don't think it's been a big surprise since I've told him about this in the past. He wasn't happy that I wrote all this behind his back. But he says it's okay if it's going to help me and if I tell him. He's been so patient and loving in spite of everything I've said.

 

I don't know why I'm still writing in this forum because all I've got is negative answers. I was looking for honesty and I guess I got it. But part of me thinks I should ignore your advice because I'll bet that half of you are not in good, loving, long term relationships, and have no idea what you're talking about. I guess I'm still writing because I'm hoping someone will be able to see things from my perspective and may have been in a similar situation and can give me some good advice.

 

I was hoping to hear people reassure my belief that a relationship takes hard work and dedication to the person you're with, not just "love", and that it is completely normal to sometimes think about other people because we are all human. Instead everyone seems to think the second you have doubts you should jump ship which seems ridiculous because then you're never going to stay with any one person for your entire life are you?

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Look lady, a relationship does take hard work and dedication. What it also takes is one person not developing feelings for another person. That is a big key thing. Crazy, right? People in love don't develop feelings for others, and yep that includes mere crushes as well.

 

People talk to you like a cheater because sweety that is what you are. You at the very least emotionally cheated.

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