Cheating - Not sure whether to end R/ship

[Helen5566]

I really need some advise from people who don't know me.

 

My bf and I of 5 years were due to be married, but I called the wedding off about 3 months ago because I were having second thoughts, I just wasn't sure this was what I wanted. I thought calling off the wedding would stop any minor 2nd thoughts I had about our r/ship and that my 2nd thoughts were about the wedding. I then got close to a friend and I ended up cheating with him. It was initially just drunken kisses on 2/3 nights out. I told my bf this and he forgave me, and I said I wanted to try make this work, and I would try to not do it again. Although at the time, I said I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to stay with him.

 

2 months on and me that friend are now FWBs and it has gotten really complicated. We've both developed feelings, started spending time alone together, doing quite coupley stuff. All our friends see us as a couple. He has told me though not to break up with my bf for him because he can't guarantee that we could be together(he has commitment issues which I knew about before). I agree, because I wouldn't want to just straight into a proper r/ship, but we both know how 'right' it feels between us. We've tried to stop so so many times but we just can't.

 

At home with my Bf, there is a weird atmosphere. We barely talk, we haven't had sex in 2 months, it's like living with a friend. I don't feel loved, or special, and I feel like we're just getting on because it's just 'what you do'. Our r/ship used to be amazing, up until a year ago when we got engaged, it fizzled a bit.

 

Everyone I know is pressuring me to break up with my bf because I'm dragging it out. They keep saying i'm obviously unhappy, but my bf hasn't exactly done anything wrong. He's sacrificed a lot for me.

 

Do I leave my to risk having a go with my fwb? Do I stay and risk being unhappy? I just don't know what to do, i'm actually scared

[Clarence_Boddicker]

How about being a genuine person for once? Tell your fake boyfriend, that you've moved on romantically from him, but still want him around so you wont be lonely or whatever. Give him the right to decide with all the facts. I don't think the issue is him. I think that you freaked out about being engaged or getting married. Your doubt sabotaged the relationship. I'm not saying you're a bad person, but you're being cruel to someone who by your own words did a lot for you.

[Diezel]

and I said I wanted to try make this work, and I would try to not do it again.

 

This was all I needed to read.

 

You'd "TRY" to not do it again?

Yeah, end your relationship. He deserves to be married to someone who doesn't want to cheat on him versus someone who will TRY to not do it again.

 

Your boyfriend has sacrificed a lot for you, looks like all of the sacrifice was one-sided. Do him a favor and end this relationship.

[patentlyunique]

I really need some advise from people who don't know me.

 

My bf and I of 5 years were due to be married, but I called the wedding off about 3 months ago because I were having second thoughts, I just wasn't sure this was what I wanted. I thought calling off the wedding would stop any minor 2nd thoughts I had about our r/ship and that my 2nd thoughts were about the wedding. I then got close to a friend and I ended up cheating with him. It was initially just drunken kisses on 2/3 nights out. I told my bf this and he forgave me, and I said I wanted to try make this work, and I would try to not do it again. Although at the time, I said I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to stay with him.

 

2 months on and me that friend are now FWBs and it has gotten really complicated. We've both developed feelings, started spending time alone together, doing quite coupley stuff. All our friends see us as a couple. He has told me though not to break up with my bf for him because he can't guarantee that we could be together(he has commitment issues which I knew about before). I agree, because I wouldn't want to just straight into a proper r/ship, but we both know how 'right' it feels between us. We've tried to stop so so many times but we just can't.

 

At home with my Bf, there is a weird atmosphere. We barely talk, we haven't had sex in 2 months, it's like living with a friend. I don't feel loved, or special, and I feel like we're just getting on because it's just 'what you do'. Our r/ship used to be amazing, up until a year ago when we got engaged, it fizzled a bit.

 

Everyone I know is pressuring me to break up with my bf because I'm dragging it out. They keep saying i'm obviously unhappy, but my bf hasn't exactly done anything wrong. He's sacrificed a lot for me.

 

Do I leave my to risk having a go with my fwb? Do I stay and risk being unhappy? I just don't know what to do, i'm actually scared

 

 

 

 

I will say it....you are intentionally betraying, hurting and putting the health of someone that trusts you and loves at risk for your own selfish motives....and you are only worrying about you being unhappy?? You are a bad person.

[Helen5566]

Thank-you all for the honest replies. I agree I have been selfish and horrible, my bf is a lovely guy, I just don't think he is for me anymore.

 

I never even came close to considering cheating on him before. I don't know why i've done it. I really did love him with all my heart. But something has come over me lately, and I really can't shake the feelings I have.

 

When I said 'Id Try' to not do it again. it was a case of I REALLY wanted to not do it again, but something in me was saying it won't stop. I just don't know why.

 

I think it's just hit me lately that I'm still young. We got together during uni when I was 19. Im now 24 and I just can't see my life being like this forever. I think it was wedding jitters, and I really wanted to move on, once i'd cancelled all the wedding stuff I did hope it would take off the stress, but now my mind has been fogged by this 'thing' I have with this fwb.

[Diezel]

FWB aside, break up with your boyfriend.

 

You are neither:

(1) Ready to be married.

(2) Ready to be in a long term relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

Get it together, girl.

 

Break up with your boyfriend. You're obviously not happy and you've outgrown the relationship, and you've been lying to him.

 

Don't even think your FWB is going to make you his gf. He's more or less told you that's not going to happen.

 

But you need to break up with your boyfriend anyway. Those should not be your only two options (stay unhappy, or try to get with a commitment-phobe) Are you really that afraid to be single, at 24?

 

You're having your cake and eating it too right now. How will you feel when your boyfriend eventually finds out what you've been doing? You're going to break his heart which you have zero business doing.

[jen1447]

I think the question is moot - the R's already over bc you've been misleading and deceiving your BF, apparently pretty steadily. So what you have now is some sort of strange association, not a genuine R. You've got the R with your FWB.

 

Just finish it formally and go on with your life as it is. What you have now with your FWB is uncertain, but that's the path you've already chosen. Don't drag your BF along with you any further like some sort of grotesque fifth-wheel R hostage for your convenience while you sort things out in your head.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

An apology is owed I would hazard, you not only cheated on him, you continued to do so after you acknowledged your error. Good thing this happened before the wedding!

[Chi townD]

I really need some advise from people who don't know me.

 

My bf and I of 5 years were due to be married, but I called the wedding off about 3 months ago because I were having second thoughts, I just wasn't sure this was what I wanted. I thought calling off the wedding would stop any minor 2nd thoughts I had about our r/ship and that my 2nd thoughts were about the wedding. I then got close to a friend and I ended up cheating with him. It was initially just drunken kisses on 2/3 nights out. I told my bf this and he forgave me, and I said I wanted to try make this work, and I would try to not do it again. Although at the time, I said I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to stay with him.

 

2 months on and me that friend are now FWBs and it has gotten really complicated. We've both developed feelings, started spending time alone together, doing quite coupley stuff. All our friends see us as a couple. He has told me though not to break up with my bf for him because he can't guarantee that we could be together(he has commitment issues which I knew about before). I agree, because I wouldn't want to just straight into a proper r/ship, but we both know how 'right' it feels between us. We've tried to stop so so many times but we just can't.

 

At home with my Bf, there is a weird atmosphere. We barely talk, we haven't had sex in 2 months, it's like living with a friend. I don't feel loved, or special, and I feel like we're just getting on because it's just 'what you do'. Our r/ship used to be amazing, up until a year ago when we got engaged, it fizzled a bit.

 

Everyone I know is pressuring me to break up with my bf because I'm dragging it out. They keep saying i'm obviously unhappy, but my bf hasn't exactly done anything wrong. He's sacrificed a lot for me.

 

Do I leave my to risk having a go with my fwb? Do I stay and risk being unhappy? I just don't know what to do, i'm actually scared

 

 

Gee, I wonder why things are so cold at home?!?! Let's put thing in perspective.

 

 

You told him you would TRY not to cheat on him again. Translation, I'm going to cheat on you again, but I'll SEE if I can stop myself.

 

 

That wouldn't fill me up with a lot of confidence. That statement doesn't instill trust. And to be honest, he KNOWS you're cheating on him. Therefore, Why should he even get close to you if he knows you've just been with someone else? I know I wouldn't. And you also stated to him that

you weren't 100% sure if you wanted to stay with him. So, why should he put forth any effort into a relationship that you're about to leave? You already hurt him once, so know he has a defensive wall around him to protect himself. And you've made no effort to try and break down those walls. Instead, you go running to the OM. And that douche rocket in no prince. He knew you were engaged, and he slept with you anyway. He knows that you are still currently with your ex-fiancé or boyfriend or whatever the hell he is to you and he's still sleeping with you anyway. He has no respect for you, for your engagement, for your relationship or for your man. The only thing he cares about is what he can get off of you and is not concerned because he losses absolutely nothing.

 

 

What will you lose? A marriage, an engagement and a guy that had been nothing but loving and caring towards you. You lose everything. And for what!?!

 

 

So, why hasn't your ex-fiancé dumped you? Because he's scared. I mean, he was SO CLOSE to having you be his wife. He wanted nothing more in life than to see that happen and now he see's you on the fence. He's hoping that you'll come back. But, here's the rub. One day, he's going to wake up. He's going to realize that he deserves better. He's going to want a girl that won't cheat on him and is proud to be on his arm and call him her man. And then he's going to drop you to go find this girl.

 

 

There are more women on this planet then there are men. Surely, there's a girl out there that's willing to take on the job, the one you don't want to do. And that's to be his partner, his best friend, his lover and his wife. And maybe, one day, the mother of his children.

 

 

I mean, if this isn't working for you, then fine. BUT YOU NEED TO LET HIM GO!! What you are doing is nothing short of cruel.

Edited August 31, 2015 by Chi townD

[autumnnight]

You are betraying the man you claim to love. That is not love.

 

It is time to come clean and end the relationship. Then do some work on yourself.

[Space Ritual]

T I don't know why i've done it. I really did love him with all my heart.

 

You did it because you could and you had the opportunity.

Simple

As

That.

[d0nnivain]

Just end it. If you can't bring yourself to end it, tell him you cheated. he'll end it.

[stillafool]

Thank-you all for the honest replies. I agree I have been selfish and horrible, my bf is a lovely guy, I just don't think he is for me anymore.

 

 

Then let him go. People fall in and out of love all the time and you are not married to him. What is awful is to keep cheating on him with this other man. It seems that if the OM wanted to be with you you would have no problem breaking up with your bf to be with the OM and you are just holding on to your bf so you aren't alone. That's rotten. Let him go so he can have a woman who feels the same way about him as you do your OM.

[inigele14u]

You are one stupid person. You cheated on your boyfriend with a guy who isn't worth ****? So stupid, just break up with the guy. You don't deserve him.

[LostOnes05]

Wrote some stuff and hit the wrong button. Basically though...(not bashing you)

 

1. You're scared. You've run from a good person who wanted to be committed to you, to someone who isn't committed at all

2. This FWB is not a friend. What kind of man does coupley stuff with you, sleep with you, and then says hey don't break up with your boyfriend...go home. Sounds to me like someone who gets off on having you when they want, but not dealing with things that come with being with you.

3. You say the FWB is a commitment phobe. How committed would he be if you got pregnant or pressured him for a relationship?

4. What happens to you when he finds a woman he actually wants an exclusive relationship with and tells you to kick rocks? The new woman for sure won't have you in the picture.

5. You've been incredibly disrespectful to your relationship and to your boyfriend, in general. Flaunting a sexual relationship when you are still with someone is a pretty mean spirited thing to do.

6. Remember that age has nothing to do with being faithful and committed. That comes from within.

7. Although he's wasted 5 years, let him go so that he can be with someone that appreciates him.

[road]

Dump your BF he deserves better. A cheating GF is not good wife material.

 

 

 

 

And, your FWB? Well he is just a man, slick enough to get into your pants, make you think you have a relationship, while he uses you, and you disrespect your BF.