alexsuede Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 I want to talk about how I cheated.. It's not cut and dry, and I wanted to get your opinion and help answering this; Can we get through this and mend? I met my girlfriend online about 2 years ago and we hit it off. After a few months of dating we decided to be exclusive but with a twist, she wanted to have an open relationship with a don't ask don't tell approach. I was curious and interested but I had a stipulation, I didn't want her ex boyfriend to be brought in the mix, I told her that I didn't want to be apart of any love triangles because my last relationship failed because of it. She agreed and we did our thing. It was a weird experience because she continued to adjust the rules and redefine what she wanted. At times she would say she doesn’t believe in “cheating” and then be jealous next day. I kept trying to define if we were open or not, because she was so grey and would change her views depending on the day. After about a year, we decided monogamy was probably the best thing and we moved in together. A few months later she confessed that she had slept with her ex a few times and when she asked me if I did anything while we were open, I said just kissed a few girls. I lied, during our open period I was all over the place. I would go out, and flirt and make out. There where a few one night stands, and I had slept with a few other people. I just didn’t want to bring those details into our relationship, so I said nothing. I should have been honest but I felt like it was an open situation, so I was fine. It’s probably why I wasn’t that upset when she told me about the ex. Where I ****ed up was I couldn’t stop after we went monogamous. I still continued to sext and I physically cheated two more times. In December me and her went on a vacation, and it was great for us! After that I decided to not cheat, but there were a few times I would drunkenly txt old flings, but that was it. I have never cheated before, but during the open period it was really fun and exciting and I had a hard time turning it off. Everything came to a head this past Sunday; an ex-boyfriend of a girl I slept with last year (during our open period), sent my girlfriend an email of what I did. She was extremely upset with me for not being honest when she confessed, and as we discussed further I fessed up to everything. What complicated things was I had lent her my Macbook, and she accessed my iMessages. She read all my txt messages and is now livid. She is completely destroyed and I’m just wrought with guilt because I know after she confessed about her ex, she was completely committed to me. I know this seems all really messy, but I love this woman so intensely, and we had been doing so well lately. I have been staying with my folks to give her space this week, I asked her if she wants to end it but she has no answer and is still in love with me. I will do anything to fix this, I wrote her a letter saying I would give up all my privacy, go to counseling, anything.. Is there any hope for us? TL;DR: Me and Girlfriend started with an open relationship but I asked her to not sleep with her ex (no love triangles), we did..I fooled around then we went monogamous (but she confessed she slept with her ex), i agreed to the monogamy but i still continued to fool around. I was found out this week. I realized i ****ed up, and I’m trying to get her back. Is there any chance? Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 I want to talk about how I cheated.. It's not cut and dry, and I wanted to get your opinion and help answering this; Can we get through this and mend? I met my girlfriend online about 2 years ago and we hit it off. After a few months of dating we decided to be exclusive but with a twist, she wanted to have an open relationship with a don't ask don't tell approach. I was curious and interested but I had a stipulation, I didn't want her ex boyfriend to be brought in the mix, I told her that I didn't want to be apart of any love triangles because my last relationship failed because of it. She agreed and we did our thing. It was a weird experience because she continued to adjust the rules and redefine what she wanted. At times she would say she doesn’t believe in “cheating” and then be jealous next day. I kept trying to define if we were open or not, because she was so grey and would change her views depending on the day. After about a year, we decided monogamy was probably the best thing and we moved in together. A few months later she confessed that she had slept with her ex a few times and when she asked me if I did anything while we were open, I said just kissed a few girls. I lied, during our open period I was all over the place. I would go out, and flirt and make out. There where a few one night stands, and I had slept with a few other people. I just didn’t want to bring those details into our relationship, so I said nothing. I should have been honest but I felt like it was an open situation, so I was fine. It’s probably why I wasn’t that upset when she told me about the ex. Where I ****ed up was I couldn’t stop after we went monogamous. I still continued to sext and I physically cheated two more times. In December me and her went on a vacation, and it was great for us! After that I decided to not cheat, but there were a few times I would drunkenly txt old flings, but that was it. I have never cheated before, but during the open period it was really fun and exciting and I had a hard time turning it off. Everything came to a head this past Sunday; an ex-boyfriend of a girl I slept with last year (during our open period), sent my girlfriend an email of what I did. She was extremely upset with me for not being honest when she confessed, and as we discussed further I fessed up to everything. What complicated things was I had lent her my Macbook, and she accessed my iMessages. She read all my txt messages and is now livid. She is completely destroyed and I’m just wrought with guilt because I know after she confessed about her ex, she was completely committed to me. I know this seems all really messy, but I love this woman so intensely, and we had been doing so well lately. I have been staying with my folks to give her space this week, I asked her if she wants to end it but she has no answer and is still in love with me. I will do anything to fix this, I wrote her a letter saying I would give up all my privacy, go to counseling, anything.. Is there any hope for us? TL;DR: Me and Girlfriend started with an open relationship but I asked her to not sleep with her ex (no love triangles), we did..I fooled around then we went monogamous (but she confessed she slept with her ex), i agreed to the monogamy but i still continued to fool around. I was found out this week. I realized i ****ed up, and I’m trying to get her back. Is there any chance? Nope. And it's not really complicated at all. It's pretty straight forward. The fact of the matter is that it takes an intense amount of maturity, and also of relationship security to be able to maintain an open relationship. That also means complete honesty and compromise. You and your girlfriend had neither. In fact you two were lying to each other and yourselves the entire time you have been together. There are plenty of people on this board who are in open relationships. I would venture to guess that those who are successful at it are also very secure in it in that they do not subscribe to shifting boundaries in order to suit their carnal desires, and take their partner into account at each and every turn. That takes a boatload of selflessness to be able to do that. That is difficult to maintain under the most optimum of conditions. I simply do not think either you or your GF have the required maturity to pick this up again. Too many boundaries have been crossed on both of yoru parts to ever be able to instill trust in one another. IMO your relationship has seen it's last sunrise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alexsuede Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 Nope. And it's not really complicated at all. It's pretty straight forward. The fact of the matter is that it takes an intense amount of maturity, and also of relationship security to be able to maintain an open relationship. That also means complete honesty and compromise. You and your girlfriend had neither. In fact you two were lying to each other and yourselves the entire time you have been together. There are plenty of people on this board who are in open relationships. I would venture to guess that those who are successful at it are also very secure in it in that they do not subscribe to shifting boundaries in order to suit their carnal desires, and take their partner into account at each and every turn. That takes a boatload of selflessness to be able to do that. That is difficult to maintain under the most optimum of conditions. I simply do not think either you or your GF have the required maturity to pick this up again. Too many boundaries have been crossed on both of yoru parts to ever be able to instill trust in one another. IMO your relationship has seen it's last sunrise. I appreciate the honest feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 She is not relationship material. She played games and lied about her ex. She was evasive and lied when asked. Because she decided to confess did not make what she did right. Dump her. Next have you cheated before? Link to post Share on other sites
Author alexsuede Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 nah, this is the first time I have ever done anything like this before.. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Cheating is bad on either side but the lying is a deal breaker. No trust kills long term. Apparently you aren't ready for a relationship. Most often the baggage you now have is just too much to get over long term. Why waste the time? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 You guys are no where near able to have an Open Relationship if one or both of you are lying or are not 100% invested in the other by being truthful. Open Relationships work for people who have been together for YEARS and have complete and total honesty and integrity with one another. You don't have that. There is no way to put the genie back in this bottle and there is too much hurt and deception to even try. Best to move on and take this as a learning experience. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 nah, this is the first time I have ever done anything like this before.. Cheating is bad on either side but the lying is a deal breaker. No trust kills long term. Apparently you aren't ready for a relationship. Most often the baggage you now have is just too much to get over long term. Why waste the time? Learn your lesson. Still dump her for too much baggage will follow you around forever. There is nothing to recover for. No kids, no financials, no marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 This relationship is done. I would end it completely and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 we decided to be exclusive but with a twist, she wanted to have an open relationship What you decided did not make sense because if it is open then it is not exclusive. Since it did not make sense, neither of you were committed to any clearly defined boundaries. Under such circumstances, cheating by each of you was not surprising. In a relationship, clearly defined and logical boundaries are your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Maxtor Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 I met my girlfriend online about 2 years ago and we hit it off. After a few months of dating we decided to be exclusive but with a twist, she wanted to have an open relationship with a don't ask don't tell approach. I was curious and interested but I had a stipulation, I didn't want her ex boyfriend to be brought in the mix, I told her that I didn't want to be apart of any love triangles because my last relationship failed because of it. She agreed and we did our thing. It was a weird experience because she continued to adjust the rules and redefine what she wanted. At times she would say she doesn’t believe in “cheating” and then be jealous next day. I kept trying to define if we were open or not, because she was so grey and would change her views depending on the day. This was the pillar of your relationship. Now it crumbled. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alexsuede Posted September 12, 2015 Author Share Posted September 12, 2015 UPDATE: So just to give you an update on this situation, she decided to end the relationship. It’s completely heartbreaking, but it's fair.. I made a fatal error that lost someone special, and I now I have to rebuild my life again (we lived together). This is a true lesson, in terms of cheating and jealousy. I was selfish and self-entitled before, and I wont be caught dead cheating on anyone I choose to be with again. I could never inflict this kind of hurt on another human being again, Also for my self..doing it again would completely jeopardize my values and integrity. However the way she's acting, her self-righteous approach is starting to piss me off. If you're familiar with my story, you'll know she was cheating with her ex-boyfriend the same year as my last cheat.. trying disguise it as an open relationship, even though she agreed to not sleep with her ex. The crap she's saying to me; "I want my 2 years back", "you're absolute filth", "you're a socialpath" it's so aggravating, not necessarily cause they're mean, but because she was doing the same things a couple of months earlier.. it's like she's trying to erase her doings. It could be that I'm being defensive and hurt, because I'm not any of those things, just an immature adult who made a series of horrible choices. But her being hypocrite and completely manipulating from the start is not something I should be forgetting, even if she "changed" mid way. I haven't really been arguing, or getting pissed with her.. I'm just taking it until we are completely done (we need to talk a little bit more to manage our move out, and final details, etc.). I feel pretty lame, but I would love to get anyone's feedback or thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 Look at how she is reacting even though she decided to end the relationship. You are being subjected to her insults but that is only temporary. Now the only communication you need to have with her is about the remainder of your belongings and when you can move them. If you remember when I said in my first reply that you both lack the maturity to continue in the relationship as it was defined? Well she is a perfect example right now. I know people say things when they are hurt but she pulled just as much **** and now she is complaining about getting 2 years back? lol Just do not listen to any of it and move forward with your life. I hope you have learned a very valuable lesson about what people consider sacred as far as relationships. Rarely do the 2 people involved in the same one have the same goals or expectations of said relationship. If you remain silent then you not giving her what she wants, which is a reaction. Just keep Monk Like until you are away and clear of her and then laugh about it. Just don't give her any reason to engage you in convo other than when your stuff will be moved. That is it. Nothing else. don't even ask her what she wants on her Pizza, because that will be a declaration of war...lol Link to post Share on other sites
GypsyGirl966 Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 Life is incredibly gray. Keep something that is worth keeping. If humans were meant to be monogamous for x+ years, it would be way more easier than what statistics show..... what is important is that, if, you two want each other today and tomorrow, then stay together. That can be, and often is, a rare find. Pitch the nuances and embrace what you, uniquely, find with each other. Throw out the rule books, throw out the tradition, throw out others' opinions, and point-blank, ask each other what it is going to take to make it right and real. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 Pitch the nuances and embrace what you, uniquely, find with each other. Throw out the rule books, throw out the tradition, throw out others' opinions, and point-blank, ask each other what it is going to take to make it right and real. That's all well and good in the movies, and makes for an instant sequel, but I think that ship kind of sailed, don't you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author alexsuede Posted September 12, 2015 Author Share Posted September 12, 2015 That's all well and good in the movies, and makes for an instant sequel, but I think that ship kind of sailed, don't you? Yea, that ship has sailed, I don't want to get back with her.. I'm taking this as a lesson and chance to improve.. Link to post Share on other sites
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